"Hit that pipe. Click that Amazon purchase. Post that comment. Bring that soft top into waist-high mush. Endorphin rush all day long – living the dream, baby."
I live on a one-bridge on, one-bridge off barrier island that is open to the tidal ebbs and flows, and for a few months each fall the hurricanes, of the Atlantic.
There are hundreds of these islands that run from North Carolina down into Florida. Many were, and some still are, the sea islands known for being homes of Gullah Geechee peoples, descendants of enslaved Africans brought to port near where I live.
This suggests that at some point these islands used to have soul.
Today, though, it’s a chaos of white people whiting at the beach.
You see, for two months the island was accessible only to locals or workers, enforced by a checkpoint at the bridge.
No ID or papers? You’re not getting on.
It’s a local municipality, so the council and mayor can make these decisions on behalf of the safety of the taxpayers that live here.
Funny thing, though — it seems keeping people locked up for two months and then letting the beach back open because our state governor thinks it’s a good idea to spread the virus some more brings out the masses.
Two months of bliss out here — no footprints on the beach. No trash. No light pollution. No bass booming from tinted windows as wannabe white gangsters drive by.
No Pan-Asian chicken salads.
And the only surfers? Those who live on the island.
And we still need to add the secret ingredient, a result of the island selling its own soul beginning about twenty years ago. All the old hippie and biker shacks that were affordable for food and beverage and college folks and single moms and artists to rent — flipped for million-dollar mansions that house either retirees or are letted out weekly for Airbnb.
Take away this Airbnb traffic and it’s a ghost land.
Like going back 30 years. Abundant wildlife. Quiet.
No footprints on the beach. Paradise on an island.
But open it all back up, and it’s chaos.
Made worse yesterday and today because of a for these parts fun little hit of south swell. Water now up over 70 F, and the outside temp at about 85 F and sunny.
And every aspiring surfer cooped up for the past two months in the region now out in front of my house.
Cigarette butts and beer cans on the beach. Parked tourist cars jammed all up in yards. Plastic beach toys littered everywhere. Dolphins and rays and pelicans scared away.
And in the water? SUPs, boogies, soft tops, longboards, shortboards, even a fucking foil board.
The problem with gentle waist-to-stomach-high lappers in warm water is there’s no scare factor, nor requisite level of surfing skill.
Nathan Fletcher once said anyone on an 8’6” can paddle out at ten-foot Pipe and try to get a wave, because there are so few takers.
Not here. It’s the opposite.
Because it’s possible to walk into the lineup, people do.
And they’re clueless.
It’s a microcosm of the macrocosm of our world right now — no one knows the etiquette, no one wants to follow rules, it’s all about the escape and don’t fucking tread on me in the process.
Hit that pipe. Click that Amazon purchase. Post that comment. Bring that soft top into waist-high mush. Endorphin rush all day long – living the dream, baby.
For about two months, some of that old soul I remember snuck back into what’s left of my community.
Felt like the 1990s all over again, before cell phones and when there were only about 3.5 billion people on this planet, give or take.
It was even possible, if my wife and I had sex anymore, to have snuck onto the empty beach at sunset and had a thirty-second root as the pelicans flew by.
All for naught.
That great wordsmith of letters Mark Twain opined: “It liberates the vandal to travel — you never saw a bigoted, opinionated, stubborn, narrow-minded, self-conceited, almighty mean man in your life but he had stuck in one place since he was born and thought God made the world and dyspepsia and bile for his especial comfort and satisfaction.”
Well, Mr. Twain, you’ve never been out in the lineup with five hundred kooks packed shoulder to shoulder, all who traveled to my home during a pandemic.
After two months of a touch of soul creeping back onto this sea island, I’m all for a bit more bigotry, meanness and narrow-mindedness towards others in the water, especially if they have no idea how to surf.
For my opinionated, self-conceited sanity, please stay home, and keep your nine-foot weekend warrior board, your trash, your shit music, and your COVID germs with you.
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Only piece I clicked on in a while. Good read, keep em coming.
PS Fascinating some got upset by the rather innocent piece of historic trivia sprinkled in.
About 95 percent of your imagery/and facts/history is what we live on the Jersey Shore for approx. 3 months each summer season.
To summarize: I live on a paradisaical semi-private island, but don’t judge me because I’m woke about it. My governor is an idiot (because he’s Republican, and I’m woke, remember) and I’m still scared because the NYT Editorial page specializes in Covid Fear Porn. And now the hoi-polloi are mouth breathing in my general direction on my paradisaical semi-private island. Poor me- I was here first dammit(in the 90s!)- butt wiggling on my KS CI in waist high slop like a real surfer should. I’m going to put on my vagina hat and flap my lips at some laid-off, dirty jobs Cretan on non-core equipment just-trying-to-find-a-moment-of-escape-from-the-anxiety-about-his-family’s-financial-future and feel self-assured and satisfied doing it. I’m not a self-entitled a-hole, I’m your moral better, just so you understand.
How fucken good are pussy hats though!
Please enjoy this very woke group of gents from trade unions in Sweden. dude bottom right is so, so pissed about this pic.
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Pissed that no one is taking it as seriously as him… he’s wearing it style-consciously… a Modern Surfer ™ being squeezed out by a bunch of Dons.
LA had soul, people acclimated to the city until 1981.
The television industry moved en mass from NY to LA that year as production was less expensive and more efficient in Hollywood.
The city flipped on a dime to little NY, never to be the same. I was gone anyway, but I remember that massive cultural shift.
You read Flea’s autobiography? Good description of late 70s LA.
Lived through that era, did not know Darryl was around… thought he was up in SC.
It was a gritty town before the money invaded.
Worth the read actually. He’s a vivid storyteller and seems a super nice guy.
excellent typing Mr Missing Fins
And who hasn’t considered that Derek Hynd has caught too many good waves and is now just a glutton at a buffet?
Too many things to compliment about this piece. Universal truths revealed about marriage and touro’s, both the same on two distant coast lines.
And if we got one fucking god damned groundswell this entire time of lock down, just fucking one mother fucking groundswell, the locals here would defend home isolation by closing the freeway from LA. It wasn’t to be and the hordes descend in about 48 hours, rules and signs be damned.
Another thing we are learning? The coppers can not enforce their own rules. And is there anything worse that white “gangsta’s” and menopause?
Excellent typing Mr Missing Fins.
Appreciated, Hippy.
surfers and people from new york are the worst. tell to go back up north, flash a confederate flag and these pansies will be crying all day long
Folly Beach. The Washout.
Even worse there. Take this article and x it by a factor of 100. Some shredders, though. Amazed at the skill level of what some folks can pull off on shit East Coast waves.
You in these parts too Smurf?
Long while ago I was
Some of the same guys out that have been out their whole lives. You’d probably recognize the names. Same tiny waves lapping in, too. Need some hurricane juice this fall.
My guess is The Atlantic may be easier to publish in. Derek has rejected me more than Johnny Boy blocking haoles back in the early 90s.
Johnny arrived at my garage in a panic. A shore break end section in front of “adoring” fans popped his side fin, he needed my help. A price was negotiated, he took a nap on our couch.
He helped himself to some weed on the coffee table. Board fixed, he promised to return with the money from his sponsors. Word filters that he lost his next heat.
“Hey Johnny, you forgot to pay your debts in the rush for the airport”…. he looked at me. Blank and angry if that’s possible. How dare a white guy shake him down for money at Backdoor of all places. He couldn’t remember me in that moment. It was if I was confronting alternative world John Gomes.
Another angry man, but not so blank approached with clenched fists. I recognized him from Maile point where I was told I was catching too many waves. I paid that day for replying to him. This time he pointed to OTW and I took his advice.
I must remember to be more grateful for cold water’s role in crowd control.
Had a Biology teacher who humble bragged that he had known two. “What are the chances?” *wink wink*
Sounds like an East Coast Problem. Exacerbated by living at the end of a bridge where the waves are kook friendly.
But I hear ya. The quarantine sure has been a fun spin back!
Nothing worse than being inside of a kook as a fun line comes in and you have to let them get it and they paddle paddle paddle get up, and go the wrong way into the breaking lip and by then it’s too late to catch it yourself. Like a kind of death, every time.
If it’s a right, you scream “go left” as you both paddle into it.
Shit fuck howdy, you know we’re in trouble when some nobody complains that things aren’t how they used to be, you know, how they used to be back in the 90’s. The fucking 90’s?! Christ, you sound like Ben Marcus.
The white guilt shit is so fucking tired. If you feel so bad about your white presence on land that used to be occupied by other peoole, you’re more than free to leave. For the rest of us that love the United States of America, you best understand we don’t care about your opinion. We’ve already heard it 1000’s upon 1000’s of times, and the more we hear, the more your Liberal sort will lose at the ballot box.
You’re a broken record Otto, as boring as you are predictable. Possibly consider all this is poetic license written for about 25 people to have a laugh on some nondescript website where the only factual things were the Mark Twain quote and no more sex with the wife, since we know the virus is also a hoax and I don’t even surf.
Don’t forget about the Gullah Geechee. Or are they not factual anymore but just some Liberal poetic license?
And if you want a laugh from us, be funny. It’s not difficult. Just be funny.
We’ve heard your ignorant tripe millions of times. Too lazy to come up with new ideas, you rest like parrots of what you’ve been fed. Your “we” is ‘our” weakest link. “Our” lowest common denominator.
We’re just here to knock you fuckwits off your soapboxes.
The concepts of irony and hypocrisy are apparently lost on you, Otto. But keep being you–you’re part of the BG ritual by now anyway. in humor, DHMF
Home of the King!!
Reino do Mundo!!!
Not dereks missing brain
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Sups, boogas, soft tops longboards shortboards, and a foil???
You ought be grateful
At least you don’t have dicks with turquoise midl-engths to contend with
sounds like mark twain got hassled on his sup
Is there anything worse than having to listen to some dickhead playing shit music in a public place?
Maybe one of your kids play shit music in your own house?
Insomnia is pretty shit.
few things worse, but you have a great point.
I did exaggerate for effect, I admit, but there have some days.
golf clap amigo…
once had a guy snap on me that I was listening to rap while I changed in front of his house. dude was very angry, i woke his small child. what he was really mad about is I got a set wave from him that he was too impatient to read.
he begins his lecture at my car and I turned on the ignition, radio came to life on sports talk radio. very low volume too.
“I don’t like rap” is all I said.
Well fuck him for living so close to the beach anyway. The worst is camping at some secluded spot and having a team of bogans rock up playing ‘classic’ rock.
Although, to be fair, we did once see a group camping in a National Park with a sign that said “Andy’s 21st Party. Sorry…” I thought that was fair warning.
I live on the beach and only my neighbors think I am a cunt. They hate sports talk radio is my assumption.
I go on boat trips with a great crew, much younger. They turn on music from the moment that they wake till the moment that they pass out. Never a quiet moment.
Last sail, I found myself alone on the bow listening to the indian ocean wind, well out of earshot of the social mayhem on the upper deck. I also don’t like warm Tigers. They do.
Don’t ask what happens in Singapore on the way back because I’m asleep in the hotel.
Sounds like your beach needs some penis fish.
Excellent. I extra like when yanks use Aussie slang. Root was a v nice touch.
Perhaps the best solution might be to throw some tire spikes on the in bridge ahead of the morning sesh. Obviously, let the other islanders know.
Last arvo the bonnet on my ute got smashed by a Sheila, mate. I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying, sorry.
Close.. cept it sounds like she smashed you, which is fine if pegging is your bag.
“yestd’y arv, smashed Sheila/Kylie/Sharleene/Tanya on the bonnet of me commie. She was a farggen sick root maaaaaight”
Dammit! I really have to get over there someday. I was out a couple years ago and some Aussies came in the bar. I asked the dude next to me if he surfed. He lifted up his pant leg to show his prosthetic leg. He was in CA with a group of wounded vets. REALLY good guys! We got so drunk and had a really great time. Quality folks.
Also I’ve seen every episode of Housos twice, and if its not like that over there I’m gonna be really bummed.
I can’t lie it’s pretty great here!
There is definitely plenty of spots and characters just like housos too so you’ll definitely be entertained.
Sirens wail!!
It’s the fun police!!
I thought that was you on the foil board.
Good onya.
Youre now a BG hack!!
I’m throwing my mid in the car right now! Be right there!
im re-quoting myself on this mr. bono, but, i think u mean “fiberglass wavestorm”
I “heart” your article and your Twain quote, hit the nail! Thanks
And I’m so dumb, I always thought it was Derek hynds missing finger until now and was super confused if he had some kind of accident!! Haha!
now it makes sense!!!!