Closed eyes, pursed lips.

The sun popped out, after a touch of morning grey, a light wind carrying with it the scent of sea, of good times waiting. I tossed my board in the back of the truck, coasted down the hill, parked, crossed the train tracks, crossed the street and beheld smaller than expected surf but still fun.

Shoulder-ish high on the sets.

It wasn’t particularly crowded, a sort of easy-going vibe that complemented the lack of critical sections nicely.

A kid was trying a few airs on a new-ish Christenson. A goat boater, fully bearded, vested with a CamelBak and helmet floated next to him.

A wave came and I watched as a chubby 30-something riding a round-nosed mini-mal dropped in on a ginger pre-teen riding a Wavestorm who was then dropped in on by a nondescript 40-something riding a yellowing gun.

When they all came up the pre-teen Stormtrooper flipped his board over and paddled back out. The chubby 30-something floated next to his mini-mal and started jawing at the nondescript 40-something, who floated next to his yellowing gun.

Their faces two feet apart.

They jawed for a handful of moments and then it happened.

The chubby 30-something splashed the nondescript 40-something in the face. The nondescript 40-something returned fire and splashed the chubby 30-something in the face. The chubby 30-something went back for seconds. The nondescript 40-something, not willing to concede, went back for seconds too.

And then it went full on. Both splashing each other in the face, from two feet apart for a solid 30 to 40 seconds.

No punches, no pushes, just rage-filled splashing for a weirdly long time.

I had never seen anything so positively wonderful. Both had their eyes closed, lips pursed, in order to keep that saltwater out. Heads tilted up, slightly.

The splashing reached critical mass where the hands couldn’t quite move fast enough to inflict much water damage plus with the eyes closed, heads tilted up, it was difficult for each to regularly hit the target but I did see the chubby 30-something gasp for air at some point.

And like that it was over.

I applauded and noted to those around me that we had just witnessed the greatest lineup fight in surfing’s long and sordid history.

They all agreed.

"Costa Rica is, today, the nation with the lowest mortality among the 10 favorite world destinations for to surf."

Have you already started to think about your next surf trip, when all this madness ends? Maybe a quick jaunt to Bali? Mexico? Oahu’s south shore? Lemoore, California? Travel will be brutal, I imagine, with once-friendly stewards and stewardesses dressing as extras from the film Contagion…

…zero food or drink, inflight magazines burned in giant barrels etc. but surfers gonna surf so where will you head?

The Central American nation of Costa Rica is predicting itself as the real winner, post-Covid, and let’s learn more about the surprisingly bullish claim. Let’s get our information directly from the Q Network.

Surfers who will travel again in search of waves and also consider the sanitary measures carried out by country during the coronavirus, will find that Costa Rica is, today, the nation with the lowest mortality among the 10 favorite world destinations for to surf.

With a mortality rate of just 1.08% during the contagion days so far, Costa Rica is today, the ninth country in the world that has best treated the health emergency, but the first among the 10 most visited destinations for surfing reasons.

Both National Geographic and other international media have repeatedly placed Costa Rica among the Top 10 of privileged countries to surf in their publications.

The other nine destinations are: Indonesia, Hawaii, the United States, Australia, South Africa, Spain, New Zealand, Brazil and Ireland.

However, Costa Rica, within that Top 10, is with the lowest mortality rate and with the least amount of infections in relation to the entire population.

Very wonderful, I suppose, though again… bullish. Less than two months ago, Costa Rican police officers appeared to shoot at surfers in the water, very much not wanting them at all.

Could it all be a trick?

A trap set where many surfers fly to Costa Rica with promises of disease-free waves and then get locked into work camps to slave and atone for the 1992 Gérard Depardieu vehicle 1492: Conquest of Paradise?

Possibly.

"What kind of undesirable human being are you?"

BeachGrit was torn asunder over the weekend as the world’s greatest surfer’s Kelly Slater’s fans rounded on the surf-lite tabloid mostly famous for a snarky wit that went out of fashion in 2015.

Or not famous at all, as pointed out by @perifreal. “Ummm. This is confusing. Who the fuck is beach grit? I know Slater, cause hes… Iconic.”

The rage grew out of an article titled WATCH: WORLD’S GREATEST SURFER KELLY SLATER DEALT HARSH PUNISHMENT FOR BLOCKING BEACHGRIT ON INSTAGRAM, HAS BOARD SNAPPED AND IS PUBLICLY SHAMED IN AUSTRALIA! and detailed how Slater had his board snapped on a big day just north Carroll-ville there near Sydney’s northern beaches likely because he blocked BeachGrit on Instagram.

The 11 x World Champion’s legion of supporters did not like the premise and let their fury burn hot on Instagram. A sampling:

@_mattbuchanan_: “Beach grit talking down on a man that has 500x’s the amount of talent, accomplishments, and respect than the social media influencer of this account…… just stop.”

@therealsurfbum: “Beach grit is fucking kook shit.”

@kevomick: “I wonder what tomorrow will bring?! More satirical bull shit shark articles perhaps? Or more bull shit pro surfer gossip click bait? Fuckin hacks sucking the teet of pro surfing but bashing the GOAT of surfing. Go home your drunk.”

@milnesurf: “Best surfer that ever lived got a standard board breakage in big waves. nothing unusual. What legend for going out in that swell. You seriously sound like a spoilt little girl. Unfollowed- probably lost a lot of followers didn’t ya.”

@t_plass: “You guys trying to be a bigger dumpster fire than the Biden campaign?”

@ericsnemesis: “Unfollowing ………………… Now… fucking worms.”

@savage: “Wowwwwww if you think this is a good move calling out our goat you’re fucked.”

@jemalexwill: “You’re hanging shit on the greatest sportsman of all time when your page is absolute rubbish, you sound like a bunch of petulant children.”

@augustovillaran: “Mommy ! ; Slater unfollow me ! I am going to make fun of him while he is struggling so people will like me!!! Seriously @beach_grit ??? What kind of undesirable human being are you? This is a fucking IG account . Grow up !”

@Yeah you muppets just lost another follower .. not funny, not witty not anything at all really. 100% would Bet, whoever is behind the keyboard on this one would line up in a heartbeat to ask his autograph.

@drists: “Horrible article. Lost my time reading bullshit. He’s a legend of surf. While surfing we are dealing with uncontrolled condition… This can happen with anyone else. Please, read more books, study a bit more, then write interesting articles.”

If only surf journalism was as easy as reading more books, studying a bit more then writing interesting articles.

Well, duly shamed, and also pleased that “our goat” has such a robust personal brand.

Aren’t you?

“If I carry a surfboard, can I go in the water even if I don’t know how to surf?”

And we have just concluded Memorial Day weekend, in these United States of America, the unofficial kickoff to summer. But did you have a good one? Enjoyable? Able to go outside and enjoy the weather, maybe even go for a surf, or were you locked indoors, shackled by fear or the authorities prohibiting activity in order to stop the spread of disease?

I had a very good one, sailing out to Catalina Island, SCUBA diving, peering into the unmasked faces of giant grouper refusing to practice social distancing.

Catalina is normally packed during this time but Coronavirus rendered it a virtual ghost island, only a small handful of boats moored in the harbor. Still, everything was allowed from 1980s style jet-skiing to SCUBA diving to fishing to jumping off high rocks into the cool brine.

A happy-though-small water-based community.

Things are not such in New York City where the authorities are attempting to drive a wedge between surfers and swimmers, possibly with the intention of starting a civil war, but shall we learn more?

City beaches will be a surfers’ paradise, but swimmers will be sidelined under a wishy-washy set of rules dropped by the city and the NYPD on the eve of Memorial Day Weekend.

“The beaches are open, but the water is not for swimming,” said Brian Conroy, assistant chief of the NYPD’s Patrol Borough Brooklyn South, in a press briefing at the Abe Stark Sports Center in Coney Island.

“You can go in ankle deep, wade in the water,” Conroy continued. “Surfers will be allowed into the water.”

The half-measure move was swiftly blasted as all wet.

“This is just more mixed messaging,” said City Councilman Justin Brannan (D-Brooklyn). “We need to have very clear guidelines here, because if you don’t you’re just setting yourself up for tragedy and-or confrontation.

“If I carry a surfboard, can I go in the water even if I don’t know how to surf?”

City Councilman Donovan Richards, a Queens Democrat representing sandy Far Rockaway, said that he was left “scratching my head” over the gnarly policy.

The policy does seem arbitrary, or “gnarly”, and will likely inflame long dormant rage between surfers and swimmers. Pitched battles in the parking lots etc. Slap fights in the lineup between swimmers dragging surfboards behind them, clogging up the works.

Do you like ocean swimming? I tried to get into it, once, but couldn’t figure out how to breathe properly with so much chop splashing my face.

Also, do you like when the mainstream media writes about surfing and uses terms like gnarly?

I do.