"Don't go to the beach."
Hammers continue to fall across these United States of America as Covid-19’s dreaded second wave breaks from shore to shore. Los Angeles County? Shuttered though maybe not enforced. Arizona’s Big Surf? Temporarily re-closed.
Kelly Slater’s hometown of Cocoa Beach?
Mayor Ben Malik took the bold step of limiting parties on the beach to ten people or less and encouraged people to not come to the beach at all.
“If you are at risk, you have a choice. You know what? The beaches are going to be crowded. It’s a holiday weekend. Don’t go to the beach. If you don’t like crowds, don’t go to the beach.”
The order will stand for 60 days, through the rest of the summer, and be very sad for people with more than ten best friends.
Will Kelly Slater be there with ten of his best friends?
Possibly.
Who would they be? I think, in order of least best to most best:
10. David Hasselhoff
9. Jack Johnson
8. Charlie Goldsmith
7. Eddie Vedder
6. A golf club
5. Raimana Van Bastolaer
4. A spoonful of organic coconut oil
3. Pat O’Connell
2. A Kenny Loggins CD
1. Kelly Slater
Sal Masekela would miss the call up by six slots, losing out to a can of dolphin safe tuna and Hulk Hogan amongst others, and spend his 4th of July weekend narrating his iPhone photo album titled “Me and my best friend in the whole wide world” featuring pictures of Kelly Slater plucked from the Internet.
Sad.
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You got a thing for the king jealousy
oh hahaha you got me hook, line and sinker!!!!
I wish this was just a meme.
Kooks paddling for the horizon, scared of dimes.
I’m surprised this ain’t cancelled
I better call be el em.
Hello
Is this The Be El Em?
Yes it is, before you go on may I ask what color you are and which is your current sexual identity?
Also state your hatred of all police on a scale from 1 to 10
Click…
Oh yes. One has to identify oneself to accurately point out inequality. And if you yourself are the wrong identity then jog on you fucken racist! Just like white blm’s calling black cops race traitors..legit just seen a clip and I’m actually shocked. I’d like to know when it became cool to be racist by being on the correct team?
BLM fuked up letting the pale face infiltrate their movement
I fucking love surfing at Coco Beach Pier! $10 to park and you have everything you could want. Super crowded beach but there is always a decent wave. Fuck covid, I’m partying!
I cant believe the wave pool didn’t creep somewhere into the lower half of the top ten, have they had a falling out that I am unaware of? Maybe now all the hype is on palm Springs Kelly has moved on…that’s how these famous types roll i guess
Yep – he’s a smart cunt alright.
Hi I’m ke11y.
Get lost germface
Substitute Sal for Crazy Joe Davola.
Pictures of Kelly all over the wall and floor,bench pressing, crying.
Cocoa beach makes me dream of jeannie, not kelly
https://youtu.be/VbYbv_sNxPo
Um..how bout you get me 2 more of you Jeannie,one red head the other a brunette.
Guy spends every day fighting off a hot jeannie that will do anything for him. Yeah..that’ll work.
I know right
What a prick
You would at least order another one for poor old major Healy.
You’d think.
I’d have to watch this as an adult to determine if he was gay too or not.
Larry Shagman
Had 52 relatives live on my street.
Vivid childhood memories of walking into my cousins house and seeing his court officer father with a Schlitz in his hand watching I Dream of Genie more than once.
I feel old referring to this show but I’m not much older than Kelly and he’s on the CT
Thanks Kells!!
He’s the Goatest!
I was too young to drink when I watched I Dream of Genie. But not to young to have perverted thoughts about Genie. I guess you could say I had a thing for her.
Pretty sure a guy would have to be gay not to have a thing about Genie. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
@Chas – when will you show us your poetry about Kelly’s continuing and obstinate refusal to lock swords with you?
Why no fins? They don’t have to have a sharp trailing edge.
What happened to the mask? That sign is A grade trolling if if’s a pshop fixup.
Why you gotta Hassle the Hoff???
Jack Johnson is fine if you’re at a bonfire, it’s late, you’re hammered and about to pass out. Other than that he fucking suuuuuuucks.
No, he has always been shit and 6 cans and beyond makes no difference.
That’s obviously numbers 6, 4, 2, and 1.
Any actual people involved with him are either employees, employers, business associates or competitors…
It’s ok though. As the centre piece of its content strategy the WSL will be broadcasting round 3 of the 2012 World Tandem Surf Championships which were held at Cocoa Beach. It’s the next best thing to the real thing!
There’s no beach party at Cocoa beach without Sean Volland.
So basically this is the party for the guys who weren’t invited to Joe Rogans party with Dorian and Bill Burr and all the cool guys!
Yes. But also better than that party.
The list and ensuing Sal paragraph are why I keep coming to this site. Made my day. Inspired genius. Cheers, Charles. Now back to my regular commenting about something unrelated to the article or only thinly and loosely tied to one or two specific words in the article…
BeachGrit! You come for the Kelly. You come back for the sharks.
Kelly ‘is’ the shark…
any pics of you charging, champ*?
I suspect you are the reason many keep coming to this site my friend
You are why I write and unfortunately I’m not joking.
Thank you. Laughed my ass off reading the list. Been irritated by SM’s idolization of KS for years. Great to see someone call it out.