"Don't go to the beach."
Hammers continue to fall across these United States of America as Covid-19’s dreaded second wave breaks from shore to shore. Los Angeles County? Shuttered though maybe not enforced. Arizona’s Big Surf? Temporarily re-closed.
Kelly Slater’s hometown of Cocoa Beach?
Mayor Ben Malik took the bold step of limiting parties on the beach to ten people or less and encouraged people to not come to the beach at all.
“If you are at risk, you have a choice. You know what? The beaches are going to be crowded. It’s a holiday weekend. Don’t go to the beach. If you don’t like crowds, don’t go to the beach.”
The order will stand for 60 days, through the rest of the summer, and be very sad for people with more than ten best friends.
Will Kelly Slater be there with ten of his best friends?
Who would they be? I think, in order of least best to most best:
10. David Hasselhoff
9. Jack Johnson
8. Charlie Goldsmith
7. Eddie Vedder
6. A golf club
5. Raimana Van Bastolaer
4. A spoonful of organic coconut oil
3. Pat O’Connell
2. A Kenny Loggins CD
1. Kelly Slater
Sal Masekela would miss the call up by six slots, losing out to a can of dolphin safe tuna and Hulk Hogan amongst others, and spend his 4th of July weekend narrating his iPhone photo album titled “Me and my best friend in the whole wide world” featuring pictures of Kelly Slater plucked from the Internet.