"I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Kelly hasn’t actually read many books, including the two he recommended. Call it intuition honed by listening to high school kids lie about reading."
I love deconstructing Slater’s attention whoring. I’m like a dog, rooting around its scummy blankets before curling up, happy.
It’s my genre.
And he listens. I know he does.
Zach Weisberg fielded his ire on my behalf. Ashton Goggans recently mailed me a lovely little ditty. It goes like this:
“So probably my best day of surf last year was the evening after they called off Jeffrey’s, the day before the final. Like six-foot, bigger sets, a little stormy and lurchy but just fucked up fun. Jed Smith and I were surfing Supers and Kelly was surfing past us over and over again, on a heater, while Jed and I just sort of hunted inside scraps, super stoned and just kind of tripping on the whole scene. Everytime he’d paddled by he’d make some little remark, and I kicked out kind of close to him on one of the better waves I think I’ve ever caught in my life, and he yelled at me: which one of you is fucking JP Currie, you or Jed?”
I loved Slater once. I wouldn’t say he was my hero. I didn’t love him like Steve Shearer does, or Negatron, and almost certainly not like Nick Carroll. And absolutely, definitely, 100% not like Eric Logan. But I did have a deep admiration for him. Not
Oh, Kelly Slater, what are you thinking?
But more to the point, why are you thinking about it?
You ought to be better than this.
I loved Slater once. I wouldn’t say he was my hero. I didn’t love him like Steve Shearer does, or Negatron, and almost certainly not like Nick Carroll. And absolutely, definitely, 100% not like Eric Logan. But I did have a deep admiration for him. Not so much anymore.
The coup de grace is long overdue. But his acolytes quiver around him, knowing they’ll never deliver the blow.
It’s a sad truth that the older we get, the less visible we become. Our glory days are all relative, but for those who have tasted adulation, like Slater has in spades, it’s tough to fade away.
So they shout louder, views become more extreme, opinion becomes spittle-flecked conviction. Social media accounts burn with white hot nonsense.
Notice me. Talk about me. Love me.
When a mate Whatsapped me – Kelly Slater on the Tim Ferriss podcast, check it out – little frissons of excitement ran from my fingers to my toes.
Yes, I thought. More Slater puking conspiracy theories and half-baked thoughts into the airwaves.
I readied the popcorn, and Slater went full chameleon.
Tim Ferriss is not Joe Rogan. He’s earnest. His bag is life-hacking, health, performance, experimentation. So, in inimitable fashion, Slater delivered a Tim Ferriss podcast rote perfect.
It was a little too earnest for my tastes. Some of it was even, dare I say, interesting?
But there was some stone cold bullshit, too.
To the layman Tim Ferriss listener I’m sure it flew under the radar, but my ear is tuned to Slater.
So what did we learn?
We learned that he likes to take two-hour baths and drink hot water with lemon in the morning. (From this we can infer that his social media outbursts are likely menopausal.)
He didn’t rate Parko as an adversary. “I felt very confident I could beat Joel and would beat Joel.”
He refers to his battles with Andy as “light and dark, good and evil.” (But which does he think he is?)
He was awfully shy as a boy. (What a transformation!) He remembers his first autograph as a mildly traumatic event that he spent a long time over and didn’t know what to do. (No shit, Kelly. You were ten years old.)
We learn that he has scoliosis. Sounds serious. Is this news?
He loves Jackson Dorian (henceforth to be known as “My Godson”) and is almost certainly to be credited for some of My Godson’s talent because My Godson has learned all his skills in My Wavepool.
Everyone he knows is one of his best friends.
He’s not ready to quit competition because he doesn’t feel the need to go out on top. He’s not concerned about being the best anymore. (LIE).
Ticking off a Ferriss trope, he says his message and goals are no longer centered around his ego. (MASSIVE LIE).
He desires personal growth, he’s magnanimous and willing to imbue strangers on the internet with his wisdom. He embraces humility. He believes teaching is the best way to learn.
And none of these things are in any way connected to the key phrases and themes of nearly five hundred other Tim Ferriss podcasts.
He’s done “courses” and “learning”.
You know, metaphysical stuff.
No?
Me neither. And I suspect Kelly least of all.
Just as Kelly came front loaded to Joe Rogan ready to blast off the latest viral memes, UFC stats and big scary animals to shoot/get eaten by; so Tim Ferriss gets both barrels of self-help, learning and growth.
But he did drop some fucking clangers.
Like when he was asked about books. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Kelly hasn’t actually read many books, including the two he recommended. Call it intuition honed by listening to high school kids lie about reading.
Try it for yourself.
All you need to hear is four words from Kelly just after the twenty-nine minute mark, when Ferriss asks him about The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. A book Kelly references in his contribution to Ferriss’ book Tribe of Mentors.
“It’s a great book.” Kelly claims.
But the tone of it, the inflection, screams: I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY READ THIS BOOK AND NOW I’M PANICKING.
This gut feeling is compounded by Kelly’s response: “God, that’s so weird you brought that up…”
Is it, Kelly? Because I thought he introduced it by saying it was a book you told him about?
In a desperate attempt to tread water and steer the conversation away from books that have influenced him that he hasn’t actually read, he offers “one of my best friends is called Kahlil…”
Fascinating, Kelly. Fucking riveting in fact!
Please tell us more about this random friend who happens to share a name with the author of a book you haven’t read…
One of his best friends (what other type is there?) Big part of his life. Ex drug addict. Nearly died etc. Now owns a “bunch of smoothie stores in LA”.
Apropos of absolutely nothing.
But then…it comes flooding back: his mum gave him the book. It became his bible. A Cliff Notes for life. You only need to read one or two pages every couple of years, apparently.
Appropriately symbolic of Kelly’s depth of knowledge on every subject except surfing, I would suggest.
I’d be surprised if Kelly has read any whole books. He doesn’t have the concentration. He flits merrily from idea to fad to viral sensation. There’s no depth, not really. He’ll say he reads, but only because it’s cool to seem intellectual and informed. He’s probably in triple figures of unused Audible credits.
He‘s dipped his toe in a million pools.
He’s tried everything, spoken to everyone, been everywhere.
In closing, Ferriss asks him what’s next?
What does he still want to do?
Kelly says he’s addicted to watching van conversion videos on YouTube. He fantasises about living on a van or a boat, stripping things back, making life more simple. Yet with the very next breath he says that he has too many surfboards and golf clubs, and there are too many different countries he likes being in.
I’m not Kelly’s brain nanny, nor am I expert in anything in particular.
But for me, one thing remains clear: somehow, Kelly Slater still doesn’t quite know who he is or what he wants.
Obviously mastery of surfing isn’t enough, and maybe that’s his real lesson to us.
Re this Big Finish: “Kelly Slater still doesn’t quite know who he is or what he wants.”
Sez you, Haggis Breath.
Anthony Bourdain summed up this dilemma nicely: “What do you do after all your dreams have come true?”
Kelly is pretty much in a daze over the reality that he’s the best surfer in the history of the world, is a millionaire many times over, shtupped a lot of glamorous girls and is still incredibly skilled and hasn’t lost a step at 48.
And he’s bald.
How would you deal with that?
It’s weird so he’s a little weird.
Remember the line in Apocalypse Now: “In Vietnam, the bullshit was so high, you had to have wings to get above it.“
That applies here, but even more so.
JP Currie is some dipshit wannabe-writer hipster haggis-eating dope who probably has never been out of Scotland and is writing long-winded, incorrect, judgy articles about a guy he’s never met.
And the comments – what a bunch of whiny little wankers.
Go watch Kelly surfing Padang at 48.
Or Honolua Bay a couple years ago.
Or go huck yourself over the ledge at Pipe on the inner reef.
At 48 years old.
That’s what matters.
The rest is all a sideshow of a sideshow.
Kelly is a kid from a dysfunctional family in Florida who had the guts and discipline to take his talents beyond his wildest dreams.
Try having your dreams come true sometime. Try living up to that voice in your head.
He’s not an egomaniac and he’s not an attention whore and if people stopped caring about what he does or says, he would just go surfing and drink Hinano with his pals..
What a bunch of dopes. The sideline-sitting pinnipeds are back, squawking from shit-stained rocks.
What happened to surfers being cool?
Please die of Coronavirus or choke on that store-bought haggis – the lot of you.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
He’s never going to be your friend, Ben.
Who, JP Currie?
Who cares? Wanker!
Don’t need no Haggis breath.
Oh Kelly.
Whatever.
Champ – I call him Champ – once rocked up and handed me two tickets to the U2/PearlJam concert at Aloha Stadium.
From out of the blue. At Cholo Bowl. Long after I had left Surfer.
The Canadian girl I was with was verklempt. She said, “Were you born with a horseshoe up your ass?”
Oh and Champ – I call him Champ – complimented me after I spoke an eulogy at Brock’s deal.
Champ – I call him Champ – didn’t have to do that. I knew it was great.
What else?
He gave me that Tongan club he used to beat a mahi mahi to death when we were coming back from K________
Covered in fish blood and Kelly’s tropical sweat and DNA.
Brought it all the way back to Surfer.
And then I gave it to a chick. Wish I still had it.
And Kelly – sometimes I call him Kelly – didn’t bat an eye when I bumped into a wall and almost crushed his $100,000 Audi at the 10th World Title party.
So really very glad that didn’t happen. Really glad.
And he invited me to the 11th World Title party at Surf Bowl in Pacifica after the Ocean Beach contest. That was cool. I used to go to Surf Bowl with my pops, a long time ago.
And every time I ask him to hold up a goofy hand-lettered “Hello” sign to one of his fans, he does it.
He doesn’t have to do that.
Champ – I call him Champ – was nice enough to stand for a photo with my friends at the Surfer Poll a few years ago.
The girl on the left is French Moroccan and the girl in white is Russian. When we were driving back to Town from this party, we saw the best fireball I’d ever seen. Went east to west toward Mount Whatever, flashing green and red and breaking into pieces.
Lasted for many seconds.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
And he also posed with my date at a private party up in the hills.
What was her name?Julie or something. Said she was an “actress.”
Whatever. Who isn’t?
That’s enough. He’s a right on soul brother.
With professional acquaintances like that, who needs friends?
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Cool how none of these pics actually feature you though.
None of this is convincing as pertaining to your imagined friendship.
You’re both psychos. I suppose you have that in common.
Silly rabbit.
1. I’m not in the photos because I took the photos, because I was there, man – awash in VIP bracelets – partying with the stars, dude. Hanging with beautiful French Moroccan and Russian chicks. Dwelling with the swells, bro. Digging the scene with the gangster lean.
And after you turn 40, you don’t really like photos of yourself anyway.
Anonymity is bliss. I want to observe, not be observed.
Ask famous people if they really like being famous – a lot of them don’t.
I probably could have sold that paparazziesque photo of the Champ – I call him The Champ – and Jody or whoever that chick was, but that would have made me unpopular, and I value my popularity the way you value your Aunt Olivia’s recipe for Haggis.
2. Never said friends, dingaling.
“Professional acquaintances” works fine.
We were fair and nice to him when he was coming up, and if you’re square with the Champ – I call him the Champ – he’s square with you.
The surfing world is loaded with phony, dunderheaded flakes from one end to the other, so don’t be one. Well it’s too late for you, anyway.
It’s called “integrity.”
Look it up.
2.1 And during the first Video Awards we added at the end a late-arriving segment of Kelly getting this impossibly long barrel out the back at Burleigh Head.
I think we used that for the Best Barrel intro. Not sure who the presenter was.
The SHACC has all those video awards on VHS.
If you’re kind were allowed into America, you could check it out yourself.
That wave was nuts. I mean he just went forever.
Then did a big cutback and rode right up onto the rocks and smiled quietly to himself as some Aussie dude actually complimented a Seppo cunt.
Weird sandbar that year or something.
The crowd went berserko. I think he liked that.
Good Lord that was 1994. I think Kelly’s a vampire. Truly: Never grow old, never lose your cutback.
3. Kelly’s a psycho? He’s one of the most level-headed people I’ve ever met. He has to be, to do what he’s done and last as long as he has.
He comes from a shaky background – a poor kid from a dysfunctional family in Cocoa Beach and could have ended up like that methed-out dude who stalks him.
But he’s level-headed.
I wonder if he’s ever taken a hit of weed or a snort of anything in his life, ever.
I know he likes Hinanos, but this is a chap who values his wits as I value my popularity and glibness and you value Aunt Olivia’s Haggis recipe.
So he keeps those wits about him.
3.3 Dude, go huck yourself over the ledge at inner reef Pipeline at 48 and see how level-headed you are.
You should be so psycho, Haggis-breath.
4. I thought you British were intelligent and all sophisto-like? Guess not.
Not anymore anyway. The UK is falling apart and being taken over by proles, like America?
That’s a shame.
5. All of the above.
See I’ve asked him to do this numerous times and he’s always game.
This was for a chick from Iowa who wanted a John John tribute, but he sailed away in his catamaran before I could ask him.
Champ – I call him Champ – had to suffice..
He’s a good sort, Kelly is.
Noblesse oblige and all that.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
So Kelly thinks JP Currie is a pen name? You must really have gotten under his skin. In the podcast, I did think it was strange that he mentioned he had one book that he brought around the world with him for years, in case he needed to read a page or two.
kelly has spent his adult life with monetary and social riches, surrounded by energy vampires and whores aching for a waft of that fairy dust. he was the male equivalent of a super hot woman everyone wants to fuck. now he’s lost the sheen of youth and is getting desperate, the cougar prowling for dick while the bar is closing.
Really?
Did you see the Champ – I call him the Champ – shralping Padang like a red hot teenager?
At 48?
He ain’t lost zip.
You’re the one who’s lost.
If we were still doing SURFER, I would start a “Kelly’s a vampire” campaign.
“He breaks his foot at JBay and two months later, it’s healed!!
He still surfs like a teenager!!!!
Look at his chick! She’s so thin!!! He’s draining her!!!!
Never grow old! Never die!”
Etc.
Damn you are dumb.
Let’s face it, pro surfers are not gurus, or masters at anything beyond surfing. Did you listen to MFannos episode on the Finding Mastery Podcast? Not much deeper wisdom there either. If Slater’s not getting in depth about his approaches to different waves or nerdy about board and fin design his thoughts are no different than the average guy, a little disjointed and thrown off by the image he has of himself. Tim Ferris’s podcast is the wrong platform. He should be coming on Dirty Water, Surf Splendor, The Grit, etc… Slater’s “karate stick” appearance on Ain’t that Swell was all time.
1.) Kelly has hit the million mark more than once
2.) Kelly has been the G.O.A.T. of Surfing for decades, (Agreed by all that matter, not come lately kooks!)
3.) Kelly is, has been, and will be a better surfer than you
4.) If Kelly got bored, and decided to start penning articles, Millions would read it. You, well, I mean……the numbers are available
5.) Who cares if Kelly read some ga book!? I’ve got an education too douchebag, that’s ALL you offer the World! Quit trying to inadvertently tell US you are smarter than Kelly because you have some degree in womens social studies. ACCOMPLISHMENTS pen lad, ACCOMPLISHMENTS!
6.) Kelly is nice to people, tries to make them feel comfortable. Let me reiterate, you offer the World NOTHING!!
7.) Parkinson was noone for Kelly to worry about. The kid won a few times.
Please don’t try to belittle the GOAT, when you are but a speck of sand on the floor. You threw in your hate for Kelly, and Ashton in one “article”. You’ve got some issues you need to work out in private with a professional. Even if there was structural damage to the out door, maybe they can help you mentally!?
I agree Ashton was definitely short changed. He deserves his own article solely focused on belittling him.
I like the article and JP, I support your vision.
KS is a living legend, the GOAT and the first “PRO” surfing in history but I never liked him so much … he seems always vague and artificial, and always defending HIS points/ interested. For me he does not the stand of other GOATs.
And as a Brazilian what really stand for me is that he is always critiquing the working ethics of our athletes in a time when EVERYONE is a SUPER PRO.
At his time he was the ONLY “PRO” one and kept his mouth shut for sooo many years, not telling the scret.
Bottom line : HE IS A PRO GUY, NOT AOUL AT ALL, always taking from the SURFING and never GIVING BACK
It’s all very well citing AI as a worthy adversary, but I’d have more respect for him if he came out and admitted he was terrified of Gabriel.
Too true. As a fellow Floridian I had the blinders on for a while.
Good article … but outside of his surfing I really have little interest in what Kelly eats, drinks, reads or thinks.
It’s funny how few surfers inspire us out of the ocean (Bex excepted of course).
Eh?
I like your no prisoners attitude
Have you listened to Slater on the mic during a heat? Is there a better analyst of pro surfing?
48 years old. Forty fuckin eight. And if Cloudbreak was still on tour last year he would have been top 3 instead on an incredible 8th.
True surf rat. The guy froths like no one ever anywhere. Doubles ( longtom’s term ) on the north shore pretty much daily from mid December to late January every year since 91’.
Pam, Cameron, Ghisele etc.
Won the Eddie after pointing out accounting error by judges.
Environmental hypocrite ( aren’t most surfers? ) we are lucky to have him
“Environmental hypocrite or not” we are lucky to have him
I agree with absolutely everything you’ve said.
The older we get, the less visible we become…
I think thats why I’m here isn’t it?
The older I get, the crankier I get
Remember mrs mangel from neighbours. Creepy old cranky thing that sat next to her windows all day, looking out trying to find things she could whinge and whine about…every neighbourhood has got one
When i looked around in my little street a few years ago I struggled to identify who our Mrs mangel was…that when I realised…it was quite likely me!
So this year I figured…why fight it
“We learned that he likes to take two-hour baths and drink hot water with lemon in the morning. (From this we can infer that his social media outbursts are likely menopausal.)”
hahahhahhaha. 9.98
Ripping into ke11y may be all you can do but fuck you do it well
Is “Deconstructing Kelly Slater’s deconstructionism” the hottest sub-genre in surf lit right now?
Hottest would be Tyler – WSL backed and commentator approved Virtue Signalling SJW.
Surf-Lit Max ™️
Add to that the layered analysis of commenting on comments about the comments, and their role in comments sections under articles commenting on comments
It’s a fucken hard road being a Lit cunt..
A calling – Karl could Saint the lot of us – but I reckon we’d fuck it up and still bitch.
Meta mo betta.
An imagination run amok. Projection serving as editorial. Weak as fuck.
You are not an expert at anything. Your words.
Go on, tell us some more old war stories…
I’ll maintain that 99% of surfing exists beyond the industry, tour and pros. My efforts to float that concept may not excite you, but I have to explore that impression.
Let’s face it JP, the 1% narrative is over reported with fewer stories of interest, hence Sharks and real estate.
Sweet that you had a dig and I laughed. Wish you had delved deeper into the odd fascination with social media.
Funny, I revered Ke11y’s lifestyle until he became trapped in his phone.
Best travel mates wife died of Covid in July… we held a memorial, distanced on the beach yesterday. The after party got the best of me. Cold, so no touro’s and the memories flooded like a Hippy type. Everyone has those stories and you see a little of your own experience in everyone elses. Pro shit resonates with no one except the video parts in my case. I love breaking down technique.
RIP TC, 7/7/2020
Gotta fend off this hangover now. Haven’t seen the crew for 6 months, just the stories of all the trips we missed accounted for a dozen beers alone.
I find the claustrophobia of modern media connections fascinating.
Imagine some dour Scottish schoolteacher, covered in damp and cold, repeatedly putting the shits up a multi-millionaire 11 time world champion surfer who lives a luxurious life in the tropics on the other side of the world.
It’s okay to not know what you want for a while in life. Maybe he just has too many options and good friends that enable the whims?
Travel and surf Kelly. It’s pretty simple!
It’s not enough! He has most of what all of us desire, but it’s not enough!
And maybe desire really is the root of all suffering?
Reminds me of Noel Gallagher:
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
High art, JP. Beautiful.
Sounds like Ashton was having a pretty good surf
I never really imagined Ashton reaching the vaunted “too embarrassing” but he’s done it!
But of course!
Aged 16 I got a B+ for a book report on a nonexistant book…