To invert Orwell, "Always use a long word where a short word will do."

So you’re sitting there yawning through another minute and a half surf doc trailer of John John Florence blasting off the lip of some wave in some place and then getting super pitted in some MIR machine in some hospital somewhere.

All-in-all it’s pretty much just another trailer for another surf doc you’ll gawp your way through during some future lunchbreak just like the one your frittering away right now reading this.

In this case it’s for some doc called Tokyo Rising.

Then Kelly Slater pops up.

Well, I mean, it is a surf doc after all. You dutifully zone out.

But then something isn’t quite right –

Wait; what did he just say?

“Uncomfa-what-ity?”

You drag the video back a few seconds.

“Uncomfo-didity?”

You drag it back again.

“Inevitably for both he and I there’s some level of….” he says, and then: “‘uncompactivity”? “Uncommuncativity?”

You fiddle with the Youtube speed settings and listen again, straining to hear every syllable.

It sounds like ‘uncomfortability’.

Is that a word?

That’s not a word.

But hang on, it might actually be a word.

Why doesn’t he just say discomfort?

Does he not know the word discomfort?

It’s four syllables shorter than the one he just said, so why not say it?

Surely a man of Kelly’s stature is familiar with George Orwell’s essay Politics and the English Language, in which the  author explicitly advises in his six rules of writing to “never use a long word where a short one will do.”

Couldn’t he have just gone with awkward?

Or stuck with the more conventional adjective uncomfortable?

Or is that the whole point?

Is he looking for a book deal or a column in the New York Times or fishing for a Netflix documentary series and wanted to exhibit another level of eloquence by plucking a seven-word behemoth when a three-syllable synonym could have sufficed?

Fuck the Olympics. Fuck Florence.

That’s the doc I want to watch.

What the Hell is Up With Kelly Slater Saying This Word and is it Just Because He Doesn’t Know This Other Word? (Working title.)

Maybe not content with inventing large aspects of the world of modern surfing both within the performance of the sport itself as well as being a one-man motor for the commercialisation of surfing, Kelly is now taking it on himself to reconfigure the conventionalisms of the English language itself.

And, why did the producers not only to include it in the doc but also put it in the trailer?

Maybe they thought it sounded clever and articulate.

Maybe it’s because it’s Kelly Slater.

Maybe that’s what elven world titles can do to an interviewer, the difference between “I don’t think that’s actually a word mate, shall we do another take with some cue cards?” and “Thank you Mr Slater, you truly are a god amongst men. I hope the glare from our cameras didn’t make you too discomfortable”.

Once you get to a certain level of respect and admiration there is no wrong or right because there’s no one left to tell you one way or the other.

What in the mouth of a mere kook mortal is grounds for ridicule for an earnest looking top sportsman of a certain age and bank balance is just whatever he or she wants it to mean.

A fabulous and biting what-if… 

On day fourteen of Kai Lenny’s inadvertent live-streaming of his own decomposition the debate continues to rage across the world concerning the ethics of Instagram’s continued broadcast of, and thus capitalisation on, the unsightly but also in many ways very natural gradual consumption of Lenny’s body by various North Atlantic marine life.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CHIfLxMB2sa/

Although a search for his body immediately after that fateful incident at Nazaré proved fruitless various oceanographers and tech experts alike claim Lenny’s body should be discoverable through the study of North Atlantic currents and Lenny’s GoPro GPS capability.

But is that what the formally highly accomplished Hawaiian waterman and formally Disney prince-featured but now dead Kai would have wanted?

Kai lived in the water throughout his life, and it seems somehow fitting that his body should be commended, however unintended and untimely the circumstances might be, to the same waters and waves he rode and 360’d the faces of with less apparent difficultly than you or I might take a piss on a moving train.

Likewise, the live broadcast of his body’s gradual surrendering of its wholeness to the ocean and its inhabitants.

Sure, Kai never could have guessed that the onset of rigor-mortis would freeze his hand and wrist into the perfect angle whereby we as a species,  as a people; surfers and norms alike, could log-in and share the experience of watching an octopus suck out his left eye (day five) and a hake nibble off the tip of his nose (day seven).

While he might not have aired any support of the idea when he was alive would Kai have been completely adverse to it?

He hung onto that selfie stick during all those hold-downs for a reason: he loved to document his life and broadcast it to the world. He loved to share so many aspects of his surfing life, so why not this final chapter?

What could be more of an intimate moment than watching Kai’s skin change from the mocha-coloured glow of the chiselled twenty-something athlete to the pallid grey of a bloated and rotting cadaver?

Why not air his literal giving back to the ocean?

Forget for a moment the segments of wetsuit no doubt destined to choke some unwitting marine mammal to death, but instead focus on the little bits of skin and flesh detaching and floating off to become individual particles in the constant exchange of nutrients and minerals that is the earth’s natural equilibrium?

Sheer poetry.

Meanwhile the feed continues to act as something of a digital vigil for surfers, celebrities, and brands to leave their own emoji-laden tributes to the deceased surf hero as well as links to their homepages and relevant socials.

Lenny’s sponsor Red Bull continue to host the stream on their website, alongside limited-edition caps, shirts and sweaters available only as long as Lenny’s head remains connected to his spinal cord.

BeachGrit will continue to monitor the situation as it develops.