Surfline Man is so stoked right now. He is getting a new custom fish and Mike is going to make it right there with the tools Surfline Man saw hanging on the wall. It’s going to be the most perfect board ever!
The sun is not even up yet, and Surfline Man springs out of bed. Today’s the big day!
He is going to visit the surfboard shaper he found on Instagram to buy his new surfboard that’s going to be a fish.
Surfline Man has never talked to an actual shaper before now. This is so exciting! Surfline Man is going to learn all about where surfboards come from. He can’t even wait!
Surfline Man heads to the kitchen and fires up his espresso machine. He bought himself one of those killer all-in-one deals for Christmas and he’s pretty sure it’s the best thing ever. He pours a bowl of cereal before realizing that he’s almost totally out of milk. He used it all up practicing his latte art.
Surfline Man splashes the last few drops of milk in the carton over his cereal and eats it anyway. At least the espresso turns out alright.
His phone buzzes.
dude are you surfing today
nah brah ordering a new board! going to see the shaper
what are you getting
new fish!
fuck sounds sick can’t wait to see it
In the best mood, Surfline Man hops into his Sprinter. Singing along to Vampire Weekend, his new favorite band, he merges smoothly onto the freeway. Love that video they made, just cruising around Palm Springs. I should totally go there, Surfline Man thinks. I should go to Palm Springs and cruise around like Vampire Weekend.
But first, a new surfboard. Focus, dude.
Pulling into the driveway, Surfline Man gazes around the industrial park, dazed. A series of roll-up doors run down one wall. Otherwise, it’s beige cinderblock walls as far as he can see. Surfline Man wonders if he’s come to the right place, but his Garmin claims that he has. And in fact, once he looks more closely, he can see the address numbers on the side of the building.
The tang of resin hangs in the air. And as Surfline Man approaches, he sees a cluster of bearded dudes gathered around a surfboard, positioning a fin in the box. The sun bounces off the mirror shine of the board’s gloss coat.
Surfline Man is momentarily spellbound. The board is beautiful. He has definitely come to the right place.
“Is Mike here?” Surfline Man asks. He feels suddenly shy.
The nearest bearded man looks up from the surfboard and gestures toward the open roll-up.
“He’s in there.”
The interior of the shop is dark against the bright sun of the outdoors. Once his eyes adjust, Surfline Man takes it all in. Surfboards of every imaginable size and color lean against every available wall. A series of floor to ceiling shelves hold still more surfboards. He longs to riffle through the stacks.
Something confusing and vintage hangs high on the wall. Surfline Man has no idea what it is, but it looks important.
In the the back corner, Surfline Man catches a glimpse of a small room. Through the doorway, he can see a handsaw hanging on the wall and some other interesting tools that he can’t identify. The fluorescent tubes glare bright white against the dark blue walls. This is where the magic happens!
Surfline Man wishes he could look inside, but he’s not sure that’s allowed and he needs to find Mike the shaper and order his new board. He can’t really think straight. All his hopes rest on Mike.
Surfline Man finds his new surfboard’s shaper in a small, hallwaylike room. Shaped blanks march down one wall, carefully stacked, and a battered couch sits against the opposite wall. A cardboard box of odd fins lounges in the corner, and a thin layer of foam dust coats every exposed surface. Surfline Man feels super stupid for wearing a black t-shirt today.
“Hi, I’m Trent, I emailed about getting a board?”
“Oh yah, here, let’s sit outside and you can tell me what you have in mind.”
Surfline Man still feels nervous as fuck, but the shaper’s low-key, mellow vibe is amazingly reassuring. Surfline Man trusts this man with his surfboard already, and he hasn’t even started talking about dims are anything.
“So I want a fish? And I kinda want it to be super short? And like, fast.” Surfline Man stumbles through his explanation, flapping his hands around vaguely.
“What are you riding now?”
“Well, like, I have a midlength, but I don’t really like it. And I also dropped it, so I can’t ride it now.”
Surfline Man feels kinda stupid now, but there’s something about Mike that makes it impossible to lie to him.
“What don’t you like it about it?”
“It feels really big and I can’t really turn it. And also, I got caught inside and it sucked. It gives me nightmares, actually.”
Talking to a shaper is almost exactly like talking to his therapist. It’s so awesome and Surfline Man feels better already.
“Ever had a fish before?”
“Yah, bought like a 6’0” on sale. I don’t know, it was fine, I guess? But not like, fast or anything. Maybe kinda wide. Or too long. Maybe if it were like, 5’2” or something.”
“How tall are you?”
“Like, around six feet.”
“What if we went 5’6”? You’d get something a bit faster than the 6’0” you have, without things getting too crazy.”
“That’d be alright, I think? I just want it to be like, fast and turn really good. Like, I was watching that Ryan Burch segment in Psychic Migrations, and that fish, it’s so fast.”
Mike the shaper mentally rolls his eyes. You are not Ryan Burch. An experienced professional, Mike does not say this out loud.
“Oh yah, Burch is great in that film. I think you’d feel a big difference, stepping down to a 5’6”. Or we could go 5’5” if you like.”
“Okay, 5’5” sounds so good. Can you make it blue?”
“Yah, sure.”
Mike tosses some paint swatches on the table.
“Pick a color you like. What kind of fins are we doing?”
“Glass-on keels look so cool but I don’t know, maybe I should get boxes? Like, if I traveled or something. Or like, wanted to change my fins, I don’t know.”
“I recommend Futures.”
“Okay, that’s sounds super good! I’m sure I’ll like it.”
Surfline Man really wanted some sweet-looking wood keels. They look so handmade and craftsmenlike and stuff. But Mike inspires so much trust. He knows so much!
If Mike the shaper says Futures, Surfline Man is going to ride Futures.
Surfline Man hands over a pile of cash as a deposit.
“If I pay extra will it be done sooner?”
Mike laughs.
“Nah, bro, sorry. But I’ll get to you as soon as I can, promise!”
“Okay man, thanks so much! So stoked! Can’t wait!”
Surfline Man bounds over to his Sprinter. He cues up his favorite Imagine Dragons song and pulls out of the parking lot.
As he looks back, he sees the bearded dudes are clustered around a different board now. They’re clearly checking out the bottom contours or something important like that.
Surfline Man is so stoked right now. He is getting a new custom fish and Mike is going to make it right there with the tools Surfline Man saw hanging on the wall. It’s going to be the most perfect board ever!
Driving down the freeway, Surfline Man has second thoughts.
He pulls over and as the semi-trucks rush by, rocking his Sprinter, he pulls out his phone and sends a text to his new bestie, Mike, his surfboard shaper.
hey man good to meet you
i changed my mind
can you make it red instead?
thanks so stoked!!!
This article was a well-written and grammatically correct throughout… something I’m not akin to with BG thus far. 😉 Great read and very insightful. I’m still trying to grasp all of the terminology as I’ve not been taking surfing as seriously till my older years.. everything I’ve done in life was AFTER the years that most people try things. Learning more after every article!
Now I finally have a picture of what CS looks like. Good to put a face with the name. Not a fan a faceless people, of whom write up articles of which I read.
Red will make it faster
Futures are a great fins but not the right choice on a fish, glass-on keels are the only way to go
While it did set the scenery of your narrative perfectly, I didn’t make it past 2 minutes of the VW song.
To be fair, my ears are still ringing from yesterday’s band practice where the last song was a heavy riffing number sprinkled with some Channelbottom lyrics about a homemade eco-resin.
100% the length will be determined by any number of factors, (from blank availability, vibe, drug consumption, hangover from drug consumption, time, shaping machine backlog, etc), far removed from any numbers discussed at the ‘client consultation’. And even if the right numbers are written on the blank, they will not correlate to any measurement, whether ‘real’/point-to-point length, tape running nose to tail on either the deck or bottom, anyway.
mike should have put him on a 5’9 which is still borderline,, Sman would have followed his advice,,, then his has room to order another,, mike should never advise on colour, everything else Sman will be obedient ,
yeah but they are closer to devon howard than andino aren’t they? It’s not that I want them on more waves, but we berate them on shortboards as well, or am I being too newage considerate,,,,,
I’m just about at the point where between my knees and the sheer numbers of clowns on ‘paddling’ boards, the only way to compete will be to step up to a mid-length. It’s tragic…
lol Surfline Man orders a board, dumb as he is
Beachgrit Man criticises him for doing it
better he does that, isn’t it? or should he order off the internet using board builder with his weight, height and self proclaimed level,,,,,
I don’t mind Surfline Man! He may not know shit, but he’s not sure what he likes.
He’s an innocent abroad, and willing to learn.
better than fucken quit lit.
How would you know, Nick?
You’ve never quit, so don’t knock it.
Surfing’s never been better.
Uuunnngghh – you do know you can use screws on fcs 2, right ?
I have boards with both and I don’t give a fuck about fin leeches and their systems so long as they work but … cmon, Jen
Oh wait, under orders advertorial, right ?
i’m a SurfLine man, right now, doin’ a down~load!
37 seconds left!
What am i ah down~loadin? No, not me rippin’,
just a vid clip, from L.A. of some surfer girl who has walked up to her car,
yesterday, @ ’bout 11:15am, Thursday 1-07-21, saw her passenger door side window smashed, her belongin’s ripped off, placed her board up n her roof rax, then took off runnin’ towards the Pt.
F**kin’ thieves, smashed+grabbed around 10:00am,
per what i this ol’ geezer, on Surfline cam rewind, watched.
Hide your gear whilest it is inside your vehicle!!!
rw
Talking with a shaper is always nerve racking.. they absolutely assume everyone is a kook and don’t mind letting you know, they know.
There’s a simple formula for getting the right board shaped:
1. Think back to that one miracle turn you did last year and lie about that being your actual ability.
2. “I weigh #kg now but I should be back down to (#-5)kg by end of next month”.
3. List the spots you surf the most, in a way that suggests you’re getting the best waves when it’s cooking.
4. Lie about how often you surf. Use your “aspirational” surf frequency.
5. Shaper remembers that turn he saw you bog and how you’re always too far in front of the section, and makes you a nice forgiving shape that resembles something high performance to protect your ego.
Well I’m honest so I guess that’s why at least 3 of the 5 mean more foam each new board!
Surfline Man heads to the back of his Sprinter van, puts on his VR headset, cues up Ryan Burch’s “Psychic Migrations” part, mutes the banging Oh Sees tune and syncs to Imagine Dragons’ “Radioactive”.
Well that was a painful read
Not my story but my dad’s….He goes to dinner with one of his buddies from the Momentum generation (don’t want to name any names) and it turns out Kelly Slater was also invited to said dinner. In comes Wanna-b-shaper man, he sees the group enjoying their meal and decides to approach Kelly and asks him if he could show him his new garage shaped board. Not sure if Kelly agreed to see it or not but the guy goes out to his car, pulls out his self-shape and brings it into the restaurant for Kelly to inspect. After inspection the guy leaves to go put his board back into the car and turns to the group stating something along the lines of “that is the worst shaped board ive ever seen.
Fuck…. Thanks Jen! I love my coffee machine and I was going to order a red panda rocket fish next week (yes futures too). Fuck. So confused 🤷🏻♂️ Feel like I should throw the DeLonghi out??? Stick to my 6’4????? Fuck…
I like the part where he feels its impossible to lie to Mike
Futures – always Futures. That Mike guy knows his shit.
“His phone buzzes.
dude are you surfing today
nah brah ordering a new board! going to see the shaper
what are you getting
new fish!
fuck sounds sick can’t wait to see it”
Is this some paid subscription service Surfline Man joined? Like rent-a-friend or something
omg rent-a-friend
Here in me area we have something like this, for gringos, but we call it rent-a-buddy. Seems more marketable.
This guy has always existed in various guises over every era of surfing.
I saw many over the 30 or so years I worked in board factories, and in some respects it’s these nice but clueless types who can keep production and income ticking over when the ‘better’ surfers are after deals etc.
I can imagine by the time of his second (or definitely third) custom he’ll arrive at Mike’s with a page of detailed (but still inappropriate) measurements, but at least have the knowledge to bring a box of beers for the boys if he wants it finished quicker…
Fucken shapers, don’t get me going …
Standover pack of cunts. You know and I know that they’ll hoof that slab and expect another one … or two before any priority is given.
It is well known that polyester resin
and solvents make you crave alcohol. My last board that was paid in full, took 18 months. had to buy a board or two off the rack that snapped like the twigs that they were with industry standard,planned obsolescence glass jobs. Leave a few Tins in the truck for later is my strategy and don’t lend them 20 bucks when leaving.
Hahahahar, classic ! Bastards.