Surfline Man orders a custom surfboard: “He is going to get a new fish that’s way better than his old fish, which he bought off the rack on sale, and definitely better than the dumb mid-length that’s giving him so many nightmares!”

Surfline Man has never owned a custom surfboard before, but he is pretty sure it’s going to be the best thing ever.

He’s lying in bed, sweating, sheets hopelessly tangled around his legs. He’s had that dream again. Surfline Man wishes he could dream about sex like a normal man.

But no, not him.

The only dreams Surfline Man ever has involve surfing.

And lately, it’s the same one, over and over.

There he is, standing on his surfboard on the most beautiful set wave he’s ever seen. It’s Rincon, his newfound nemesis. In his mind, he sees a dreamified version of the real thing, more perfect than life. He’s stands there so tall, up there on top of the world, the king of all he surveys.

Surfline Man has waited his whole life for this moment.

He pauses right there at the top, and savors it all, the infinite blue sky, the glowing green ocean, the white foam crashing behind him. It’s weirdly loud, actually. Then he swoops down the face, and leans into a perfect arcing bottom turn.

It doesn’t work out perfectly at all. Instead, Surfline Man faceplants with a giant splash, arms windmilling, board flying. And it all happens in front of everyone! Everyone on the beach is watching him, laughing at the kook who can’t even bottom turn on the best set wave in the world.

He wakes up flustered and unhappy, cringing at an embarrassment that isn’t even real but feels so real omg. This is the worst dream he’s ever had.

Surfline Man wishes he could dream about bad sex. It couldn’t possibly feel this terrible.

Surfline Man is cursed. And he’s pretty sure the only thing that will cure him is a new surfboard. He just has to decide which surfboard out of all the surfboards in the world he should get. This is not easy at all. Surfline Man would never underestimate such a task.

The other night he was watching Psychic Migrations before bed. Surfline Man never saw the film when it came out. His ex hated surf movies and would never let him watch them, no matter how awesome.

Now he’s single and it’s pretty great, really. Surfline Man cracks a beer, lounges back on his couch, and watches surfing. There’s no one to tell him to stop.

Idyllic, that’s what it is.

Surfline Man remembers hearing all about the Ryan Burch segment when the film came out, but now he’s watching and he really can’t believe it’s for real. That tiny fish under that very tall human, it all seems so improbable. Maybe it’s like CGI or something, Surfline Man thinks, laughing at his own dumb joke.

That’s another thing about being single, he can laugh at all his own jokes and there’s no one to tell him to shutup. Surfline Man is totally living his best life right now.

A fish.

Surfline Man wants a fish.

He can feel this deep down in the place where he feels things. Important things. Like which surfboard to buy.

He is going to get a new fish, that’s way better than his old fish, which he bought off the rack on sale, and definitely better than the dumb mid-length that’s giving him so many nightmares.

Anyway, he dropped his precious turquoise mid-length on its tail. This did not go well. Lucky for him, Surfline Man found a ding repair guy on Craigslist, who promised to match the resin tint perfectly. No one will even know! This is such a huge relief, because Surfline Man dreaded the inevitable explanations.

dude what happened to your board
um i dropped it i am so stupid

In truth, all Surfline Man’s hopes rest on the Craigslist ding repair guy. Sure, it felt a little sketchy dropping off his board in the back end of an industrial park in Oceanside. It felt like a drug deal, but it was surfboards, so it was all totally legit. Surfline Man is convinced it will be completely fine. His board is going to be so perfect again!

But in the meantime, he is totally going to order a new surfboard. Custom! Surfline Man has never owned a custom surfboard before, but he is pretty sure it’s going to be the best thing ever.

A new custom surfboard is a surefire way to end his terrible nightmares. He is just as certain of this as he is of all the other things. Like, how the tides swing and how his favorite surf forecasts and charts and stuff are always totally accurate.

Surfline Man goes to the internet, his very favorite place, and begins looking for the right shaper to make his new surfboard. There are so many. He can’t believe how many people make surfboards.

How in the world will he ever decide?

dude do you have any custom boards?
nah, just buy off the rack, it’s easier

Surfline Man refuses to give up. He is getting a custom surfboard, for sure.

He read on Surfline that he should find someone near the places he likes to surf. This seems helpful, but Surfline Man pretty much surfs everywhere, so it doesn’t really narrow things down at all.

In frustration, Surfline Man throws himself on the couch and begins scrolling through Instagram. Surely, Instagram can help. Surely, Instagram understands how desperately he needs to find a shaper to make his new custom surfboard that’s going to be a fish.

Then his finger stops.

That’s it! He’s found it! He’s found the perfect fish right here on Instagram. Look at that glorious fishy tail! And the color! So super awesome!

Surfline Man is feeling lightheaded. It’s a good thing he’s sitting safely on his couch, not like, standing up somewhere like on a ladder or something. That would be so dumb and dangerous.

Surfline Man can’t die a stupid death falling off a ladder right now! He has a surfboard to buy!

And he’s found the perfect shaper, right here on Instagram.

It’s all going to be so easy now.