From the VAL and proud Dept: Author seeking the “joy and transformative power of lifelong learning” takes up juggling, singing, drawing, chess and surfing!

Sometimes it’s best to stop paddling

All surf instructors need to cease and desist, I would say something more inflammatory but the internet is in ink.

Lack of career marketability my arse. This guy is cashing in by writing a fucking book about it. Making juggling hay while the sun shines.

Dave Prodan opens the door to the fridge in the kitchenette at WSL headquarters in Santa Monica, looking for something, anything to eat. He knows he won’t find anything, since the office has been left empty for the past few months, but he worked up such an appetite on the way down that he just can’t help it. He grabs the only remaining items, the last two remaining GoGurt packs from the box Erik bought two years ago for him, and shuts the door.
“Hey, Dave, what’s up?” says a bleary eyed Pat O’Connell, slightly startling Dave, who did not even hear him come in.
“Hey, Pat. Not much. How was your holiday?”
“It was pretty good, you know, not the best, not the worst. We ended up going out looking for Christmas lights. What about you? How was your weekend?”
Not wanting to admit he spent the weekend watching the Mighty Ducks trilogy, Dave tries to come up with something else to say, “Oh, you know, spent time with the family, just doing Christmas stuff.”
“Oh, O…” says Pat.
“Then I spent Saturday watching The Mighty Ducks trilogy in reverse, starting with D3…”
“Cool.”
Just then, the two hear WSL CEO, Erik Logan, walk into the office.
“Patchy? Prodie?” he bellows.
“In here,” answers Pat.
Erik walks into the kitchenette wearing flip flops, Rip Curl boardshorts, and a turquoise polo shirt, his face massively sunburnt, the skin on his nose flaking off, which grosses out Pat and Dave.
“Oh, whoopsies, don’t worry, I’m not contagious.”
“We weren’t worried about that. Its your nose shedding all over the place,” says Pat.
“Oh, Patches, you funny little munchkin. Anyway, get to your computers, we have our call with Dirk in 5 minutes,” speaks Erik, who heads towards his office.
Pat and Dave look at each other dejectedly, Pat giving a long Pottzesque sigh.
“What is this meeting for again?” asks Pat.
“I don’t know. I’m just going to set up in here, rather than the office.”
Pat walks out of the room to make his way to his office, leaving Dave to finish up his meal and set up. Dave fires up his computer and opens up his Gmail account, scrolling through his inbox, passing all the offers from lonely singles and Sandwich of the Month messages, trying to find the email with the Zoom link for the meeting. He clicks on the link.
“Oh, hey, there’s Dave. Hi, Dave,” says the tomato faced figure from the box marked WSLELo.
“Hi,” says Dave, as he looks at the other participants, which include the ever disheveled looking So-Cal cherub, PatchO, and the shaded figure of TheDZiff, billionaire and WSL Owner, Dirk Ziff, who appears to have opted for the silhouette interview look, even though the three others know who he is.
“So, what are we here about?” asks Pat.
“Well, this will be a strateg…” starts Erik.
“I don’t know if we can keep this going. It costs too much and I have no idea what you’re doing.” says the blackened figure.
“That’s not exactly fair. We haven’t exactly had any direction from leadership,” offers Pat.
“That is what I hired Erik to do. He was the one who supposedly had a vision.”
“If I may, I do have a vision,” says Erik.
“Stop it, Erik. You’ve just treated this like a giant vacation. You just want to surf all over and hang out with pros,” mutters Pat.
“Haha, well, Patchy, hahaha, let me remind you…”
“Yeah, you’ve worked for Oprah, we know! That hasn’t translated to anything.”
“What about you, doughface man. What do you think?” asks Dirk.
Everyone sits quietly, the others waiting for Dave to respond.
“Oh, is that me?” asks Dave. Everyone nods.
“That’s kind of rude, I mean my Zoom name is right there, ‘DaveProdan’.”
Everyone continues to stare at him, waiting for him to offer something up.
“Is that a refrigerator behind you?” asks Dirk.
“Yes, it is.”
“And you love French’s? I mean there is a sticker right there.”
Feeling slightly embarrassed, “Oh, yes, I do. Anyway, we have big plans that we are going to implement. Like Erik wanted, and you signed off on, we are going to become a content factory…”
“And how is that working? I haven’t seen anything.”
“Well, we just wrapped production while in Hawaii on the HBO thing, which we feel confident will be a game changer.”
“That’s one thing,” says Dirk.
“True, but we also have affiliate deals with the Inertia and Stab to produce content for us, which we won’t have to pay for. The two companies allow us to target multiple demographics. At the Inertia, we are looking to get at beginners. At Stab, the core surfer, or people who actually consume WSL contests,” remarks Dave.
“OK, but even I know Stab is mainly for industry sycophants, and I know nothing about surfing,” says Dirk.
“He’s got a point,” says Pat.
“We’ve got it covered. Surfing is super marketable right now. It’s all about compellingly brand resource-leveling collaboration and idea-sharing. You won’t be disappointed,” declares Dave.
“Well, I can’t be bothered to fight or care about looking into that right now. You guys have the year to get shit on track. No more screwups. I’m tired of losing money,” says Dirk, who then quickly leaves the meeting.
“Thank you so much, Prodie! You saved us,” exclaims Erik.
“No problem.”
“You know this isn’t going to work. We’ve got nothing. (Pointing at screen) You’ve got nothing, Erik,” cries Pat.
“It’s ELo, and I know, but we will have something soon,” says Erik as Pat rolls his eyes.
“Why are we on Zoom still? We’re all here in the office,” blurts out Pat.
“We have to seem responsible. You know covid relatedly,” says Erik.
“But you’re the one who tested positive!” wails Pat.
“Touche. You win some, you lose some.”
“You didn’t do that right.”
“Oh, well.”
Right then, the host leaves the meeting. Erik heads out the door without speaking to them, apparently he’s in a hurry. Pat walks to the kitchenette.
“So, I’m headed out,” he says.
“Sounds good. Want to get a sandwich?”
“Nah, I need to get home. My wife and I were going to watch Coco when I get home.”
“OK, cool. That’s a sad one. Have a good one.”
Pat leaves out the door, leaving Dave sitting at the little table thinking about what he’s going to order from the nearby sandwich place and when Chas at BeachGrit is going to get to his promised Power Ranker Power Rankings. He takes out his phone to order a corned beef on rye sandwich, extra yellow stuff.