Almost unbelievable half human-half shark found hiding in Indonesian waters: “I have gone around fishing, even almost crossing to Australia, but I have never found a shark looking like this!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Macabre!

It was only a matter of time before Robert Rodriguez’s childhood classic Shark Boy and Lava Girl was realized IRL and here we are. Living a cinematic reality only dreamed but a decade-plus ago. And let us waste no time in traveling to Indonesia where our li’l 6ix9ine resides.

Fisherman Abdullah Fero, 48, is responsible for the almost unbelievable discovery. He was out all night, trawling, doing his thang then went home to cut an adult shark he had caught. Abdullah later told local media outlets that he found three pups in its stomach and while two of them looked like normal sharks, the other pup had two big eyes under its snout and a big mouth, making it appear much like a human.

“I was surprised because I have gone around fishing, even almost crossing Australian waters, but I have never found a shark looking like this,” he said.

He decided to preserve the li’l peep and now it is quite the sensation with flimflam men offering to purchase so they can take it on a tour alongside other bizarrities like Chasten Buttigieg and the Q Shaman.

Do you think the li’l biscuit is friend or pho?

I mean foe.

More as the story develops.

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International Surfing Assoc. releases thrilling format ahead of Tokyo Olympiad: “Non-elimination heats are the true mark of any evolved sport!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Reeeepechage.

But there, can you taste it? Feel it? The unique thrill only running and gunning for Olympic glory can bring? I’ll tell you what, country-on-country action has been known to drive even the least-athletic person into paroxysms of pasión and it will be no different when surfers paddle out in Japanese waters, competing for the first time in history.

Wow.

Right on schedule, the International Surfing Association has released its thrilling format.

The initial phase comprises two rounds: Round 1 (20 surfers), Round 2 (10 surfers).

In Round 1, there will five heats of four athletes – the top 2 in each heat will advance through to Round 3, i.e., ten surfers.

Round 2 is a repechage round and will have two heats of five surfers.

The top 3 will move to Round 3; the two bottom finishers in each heat will be out of the competition.

Repechage.

Say it loud and there’s music playing.

Say it soft and it’s almost like praying.

There will 15 male and female WSL or WSL-adjacent competitors who will be seeded, partially, based on their 2019 season ending position. The other factors that will play in remain mysterious.

Repechage.

Ahhhhhh.

Who you got?

Kanoa or JohnxJohn?

Italo or Gabe?

Weston-Webb?

We should all go in together, make some monster bet and get on the news.

It’d be very cool.

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Four-and-a-half thou' turtles stunned into comas by cold water. Sanjuana C. Zavala/Sea Turtle, Inc.

Unprecedented freeze in US puts thousands of Texan turtles into “cold-stunned” comas!

John Miskelly

By John Miskelly

Trucks pulling up every fifteen minutes with crates of comatose turtles.

Turtles, zero aggro. Maximum chill. Masters of the glide.

A touch of the wise old stoner about them.

Have you ever seen a surfer and a turtle settling matters in the parking lot? Turtles just don’t have time for that kind of toxic belligerence.

Turn around, glide away.  

Not even a single registered complaint from them about the deafening cacophony of noise pollution we surfers bring directly into their living rooms. 

Too bad for turtles that nature doesn’t give a jellyfish’s pickled dick about chill. Nature’s a bit like politics in that way; whether you like it or not you’re part of it, even if you don’t know you are.

Take events happening right now over in Texas for example, where temperatures have fallen to as low as 4C (40F). Nothing a decent five mm and a twat cap can’t handle you might say, but a) turtles are cold-blooded and thus more susceptible to changes in sea temperature, and b) Nobody’s designed any wetsuits for turtles yet. 

As a result an unusual amount of ‘cold-stunned’ turtles – a process which more or less amounts to turtles going into a chill-induced stand-by mode – are being discovered along the Gulf coast.

According to this NPR story, Sea Turtle Inc., a charity in South Padre Island, near the Mexican border, has so far received more than 4,500 cold-stunned turtles, delivered to them by well-meaning Texans. 

The stricken turtles are currently being housed through a combined effort between the charity, the South Padre Island Convention and Visitors Bureau, local government, and SpaceX, which happens to have a launch site nearby. 

(You know if he just gave a fraction of his wealth…)

From The Guardian, “Every 15 minutes or less there’s another truck or SUV that pulls up,” said Ed Caum, executive director of the South Padre Island Convention and Visitors Bureau. “We had trailers full yesterday coming in that had 80, 100, 50,” he said.

To get an impression of what a warehouse full of hyperthermic turtles looks like, check out the video. 

The centre’s waiting for temperatures to rise to 15C (60F) before evicting the turtles back into the wider world to earn their own living.

This is Texas after all, if you love hand-outs so much why don’t you swim to Cuba?

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Capitalism: Renny Yater’s generationally iconic Santa Barbara surf shop pivots to metal water jars, kayak accessories to profit from VAL boom!

Michael Chase

By Michael Chase

SalVALtion!

Above is a look at Reny Yater’s old Santa Barbara Surf Shop (now under a new moniker but still featuring a nod to bygone opportunities to capitalize, a la the Billabong Pipeline Masters in Memory of Andy Irons and featuring Gerry Lopez presented by Monster Energy) in that old quonset hut where State Street meets the beach in view of Sandspit.

A generationally iconic shop, in an iconic location, featuring an iconic roster of Rincon-centric shapers and riders over the years. Even as the blades of local rippers underfoot went from Yaters, et alius, to Merricks, the place carried weight and cache. I recall them expanding to a more” pan-outdoors” approach in recent years, with more surf gear racks replaced by kayak accessories and the hottest latest metal water carrying devices upon which to affix microbrewery and “save the ___” stickers.

Now though, according to a wonderfully penned new story, they are seemingly and thoroughly saved from the long-standing economic doom ushered in by the ’08 global massacre, ALL THANKS TO VALS! Even a rad quote, more or less saying how the beginner who comes in for his first boogie board today will be swinging thru in subsequent years for his booties and step-up sled.

What maketh the surf community of this? SalVALtion?

I’m torn.

Mostly on whether to get the kayak accessory, the metal water jar, or my 1st boogie board.

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Star German beach volleyball duo boycott tournament in Qatar over country’s bikini ban: “We are there to do our job, but are being prevented from wearing our work clothes!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Standing up for what's right.

There is no surf news today, many apologies, but a star German beach volleyball duo, comprised of Karla Borger and Julia Sude, is reportedly boycotting a tournament in Qatar because the country bans playing in bikinis.

“We are there to do our job, but are being prevented from wearing our work clothes,” Borger told radio station Deutschlandfunk. “This is really the only country and the only tournament where a government tells us how to do our job — we are criticising that.”

Qatar is hosting the March-slated FIVB World Tour for the first time after seven years of hosting a men’s competition. The female players have been asked to wear shirts and long trousers rather than bikinis.

The world beach volleyball federation FIVB supports the rule “out of respect for the culture and traditions of the host country”.

Borger disagreed, saying that they would normally be happy to “adapt to any country,” but that the extreme heat in Doha meant that bikinis were necessary.

What would the World Surf League do? Roll over like the Federation International Volleyball or stand up for bikini rights?

Qatar is attempting to host the 2032 Olympics and if surfing is still included we may get to find out.

Exciting days ahead.

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Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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