"There’s such a thing as etiquette. Honour. Good faith."

Hi can of Spam. Can you just run us through what happened the other day between you and John John Florence?
We’ve all seen the video. It’s simple; John John said he would eat me and then he didn’t.

Can you articulate exactly how you feel about being rejected by world champion John John Florence? I mean, it’s bullshit isn’t it? Promises were made – if not verbally then at least in spirit  – and JJ has basically thrown that back in my face. And not just my face; Luke’s face, Mr Pyzel’s face, Hawaii’s face, the face of the spirit of surfing, the face of the spirit of competition, he’s sullied all those faces.

You mention Hawaii’s face. How significant is this controversy in light of the fact that Hawaii consumes the most amount of Spam of anywhere in the United States, and Spam is sometimes called “the Hawaiian steak”?
You mean how significant is it to reject the national dish while competing under said nation’s flag in said nation’s national sport? I assume that is a rhetorical question. Hawaii basically runs on Spam. It ran on it during the war and it still runs on Spam. You can’t take the Spam out of Hawaii any more than you can take the salt out of Spam itself. That’s history right there. Anyone who says otherwise is a card-carrying statue-graffitiing antifa paedophile.

Some people might not see being eaten as something to really aspire to.
You’re missing the point; It’s not the being eaten that’s the thing, it’s the by whom one is being eaten. John John’s not just anybody. He’s a 2x WSL world champion. And when I say he’s not anybody I mean body. To be masticated in the mouth of a 2x world champion; to pass along the oesophagus of a 2x world champion; to be dissolved in the stomach acids of a 2x world champion; to pass through the intestine of a 2x world champion; for one’s minerals and vitamins to absorbed through the intestinal lining and into the bloodstream of a 2x world champion – that journey would have been something I’d have really savoured. And I was denied that honour.

So to be turned into faeces…
…of a 2x world champion.

And shat into a toilet is…
An immense privilege. Exactly.

I see. And even though he relegated your whole existence to a forfeit among friends you would still regard it as…
I mean we all enjoy a bit of banter and we all have to take it on the chin and not be snowflakes about it. Look; I get it: I’m a can of Spam. We’re a humble foodstuff. Bear in mind not everywhere in the world has such an informed and reverential opinion of Spam as is found in Hawaii. In most parts of the world the most a can of Spam can aspire to is to be eaten by a divorced forty-something man in a portacabin on a building site on the outskirts of a provincial town. I mean don’t get me wrong; these people are the salt of the earth. I, though, had a chance to rise above the expectations of my kind. And that chance was stolen from me.

What do you say to the speculation that John John refused you based on his pursuit of a vegan diet?
I understand that John John is in the public eye and thus has to humour whatever baseless woke fads are currently trending. He could have eaten me in private. I’d have done him no harm, quite the opposite in fact. Being mostly ham based I’m a rich source of protein. Aside from that my potato-based binding agent also makes me a decent source of carbohydrates. Both are essential for maintaining a high level of professional athleticism.

In the video he refutes ever having agreed to the forfeit.
He does?

Yeah. He says, “we didn’t settle on this rule.”
Unbelievable lack of basic chivalry. A surfer talking about rules? Is there an umpire in the line-up in a fucking stripey rash vest enforcing these “rules”?

I mean technically in competition…
There’s such a thing as etiquette. Honour. Good faith.

Pyzel says “John [John] says he’s gonna eat the spam on the beach if he gets second.”
There you have it.

And then John John says “No.”
What are you a fucking lawyer?

He did at least pose with you though didn’t he?
I’m not a little kid after an autograph. And then he started going on about a boomerang or something, didn’t he? Classic deflection. He knows exactly what he’s done.

Nathan seemed very insistent that John John ate the Spam.
I’ve got a lot of time for Nathan. He’s a good lad. You can see the desperation in his eyes when he’s imploring John to eat the Spam. He’s smiling but smiling is kind of his “thing” and he knows he’s on camera and at the end of the day he’s a Youtube pro. But the sadness is there, the panic. He can see his own flesh and blood throwing his career away, throwing away the goodwill of a nation. It’s tragic.

Was it Nathan who wrote ‘second place; JJ Florence’ on your tin and put you on a that wooden cabinet?
Yeah, like I said he’s one of the good guys.

Thanks, can of Spam.
Nice one.

"He was actually deep in his neurosis. He is getting much better and doing much better.”

The marine artist Christian Riese Lassen, a one-time darling of the naive art set and who set up his eponymous galleries in Waikiki, Key West, Laguna Beach, San Francisco, Las Vegas, La Jolla and Seattle, has been hit with four years probation for breaking into his ex-girlfriend’s joint, waving knives at a security guard and smashing a neighbour’s car window with a wooden elephant statue.

Lassen, now sixty-four, but still remembered as the swinging, long-haired blond in tight pants and leather jacket who guest starred on Baywatch and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous in the nineties, pleaded no-contest to first-degree burglary, second-degree criminal property damage and second-degree terroristic threatening.

Two years ago, yeah, justice moves fast, Lassen, whose record was clean until 2019, went down the hole of arrest, re-offend, arrest etc.

On December 2, 2019, Lassen threatened a security guard with a set of knives. (His attorney said the knives were designed for spreading butter and, therefore, weren’t sharp.)

One week later, he used a wooden elephant statue to smash a neighbour’s car window.

Nine days after that, he busted into his ex-girl’s house, damaging property.

The prosecution didn’t buy into Lassen’s defence that it was mental illness that drove the acts.

“The state does believe this is a case of the defendant’s mental illness getting the best of him and him not being able to control himself in these quite impulsive acts… We are appreciative and glad he has gotten treatment for that, and he does seem to be on the right path.”

Defence attorney Marcus Landsberg said, “Back then, he wasn’t really committed to recovery… He was actually deep in his neurosis. He is getting much better and doing much better.”

Lassen himself said he couldn’t afford his medication and “that’s why I got into trouble.”

As part of his probation, Lassen can’t sink booze or take drugs.

It’s a long fall for Lassen.

Two years back he was still living in a 7800 square-foot beachfront estate on Maui, “with 25-foot-high motorised glass pocket doors that open to the lush grounds, a tropical haven with an infinity pool and rock waterfall, two hot tubs, wet bar, grilling station, and private access to the beach” and valued at fourteen mill.

And the juicer bits from Warshaw’s Encylopedia of Surfing, 

Chris began painting with oils while still in California; he sold his first hand-painted T-shirt design to a local gift shop while in the eighth grade. He was soon recognized as both an athlete and artist. Lassen appeared sailboarding in commercials for Swatch and Quasar in 1985, and three years later was featured on the cover of Surfer magazine

In 1992, Lassen created a United Nations commemorative stamp honoring the world’s oceans, and said that his work “expresses the interconnectedness between Earth’s life forms and the creative forces of the universe.” Not everyone, however, was swept away. Surfer, in 1999, called Lassen’s work “narcoleptically banal,” and said that his environmentalism “has the depth and power of Spice Girls feminism.” Lassen was among the artists included in Wall Street Journal’s 2006  “Shopping Mall Masters” feature, whose poster-copied work was likely to “adorn the walls of dentists’ offices, nursing homes and chain-hotel rooms.” Lassen originals, however, were fetching  up to $300,000.”

Watch Lassen on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous here.