Extremely important race car driver Lewis
Hamilton proffers most high praise to world’s greatest surfer: “He
probably doesn’t know this but Kelly Slater changed my life for the
better.”
By Chas Smith
"I want you all to know how great of a human being
this man is."
I woke up this morning, dear reader, and
thought, likely against my best judgement, to be completely
transparent with you. I beg forgiveness at the outset. You know
that I write and speak often about the world’s greatest surfer
Kelly Slater. What you don’t know is that sometimes, very rarely, I
am not altogether straight in my most high praise and descriptions
of his excellence.
Sometimes, almost never, a low, smirking sarcasm drips in. A
rude and and sniveling cynicism most underserving.
Why?
Jealousy maybe? An all-too-human desire to deface beauty? My
motivations lost and swirling in this polluted heart.
But who am I to write and speak anything but appreciation for
the 11x World Champion? An award-nominated author, yes. One half
and one third, respectively, of two different surf podcasts (one
currently on hiatus but re-emerging soon).
Nothing-adjacent.
Almost opposite from extremely important race car driver Lewis
Hamilton who took to Instagram while I was sleeping my toxic,
feverish sleep, to write:
He probably doesn’t know this but Kelly changed my life for
the better. I want you all to know how great of a human being this
man is. I am forever grateful for the time you have given me, for
the insight and your passion for the waves. Thank you @kellyslater!
Can’t wait until we can hit the waves again (praying hands
emoji)
A fool.
I am a fool or foolish.
Possibly both.
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Legendary Hawaiian surfer-artist who
designed UN stamp honouring the world’s oceans “used a wooden
elephant statue to smash a neighbor’s car window” and menaced a
security guard with knives; pleads guilty to “second-degree
terroristic threatening!”
By Derek Rielly
"He was actually deep in his neurosis. He is
getting much better and doing much better.”
The marine artist Christian Riese Lassen, a one-time
darling of the naive art set and who set up his eponymous galleries
in Waikiki, Key West, Laguna Beach, San Francisco, Las Vegas, La
Jolla and Seattle, has been hit with four years probation
for breaking into his ex-girlfriend’s joint, waving knives at a
security guard and smashing a neighbour’s car window with a wooden
elephant statue.
Lassen, now sixty-four, but still remembered as the swinging,
long-haired blond in tight pants and leather jacket who guest
starred on Baywatch and Lifestyles of the Rich and
Famous in the nineties, pleaded no-contest to first-degree
burglary, second-degree criminal property damage and second-degree
terroristic threatening.
Two years ago, yeah, justice moves fast, Lassen, whose record
was clean until 2019, went down the hole of arrest, re-offend,
arrest etc.
On December 2, 2019, Lassen threatened a security guard with a
set of knives. (His attorney said the knives were designed for
spreading butter and, therefore, weren’t sharp.)
One week later, he used a wooden elephant statue to smash a
neighbour’s car window.
Nine days after that, he busted into his ex-girl’s house,
damaging property.
The prosecution didn’t buy into Lassen’s defence that it was
mental illness that drove the acts.
“The state does believe this is a case
of the defendant’s mental illness getting the best of him and him
not being able to control himself in these quite impulsive
acts… We are appreciative and
glad he has gotten treatment for that, and he does seem to be on
the right path.”
Defence attorney Marcus Landsberg said, “Back then, he wasn’t really committed to
recovery… He was actually deep
in his neurosis. He is getting much better and doing much
better.”
Lassen himself said he couldn’t afford his medication and
“that’s why I got into trouble.”
As part of his probation, Lassen can’t sink booze or take
drugs.
Chris began painting with oils while still in California;
he sold his first hand-painted T-shirt design to a local gift
shop while in the eighth grade. He was soon recognized as both an
athlete and artist. Lassen appeared sailboarding in commercials for
Swatch and Quasar in 1985, and three years later was featured on
the cover of Surfer magazine
In 1992, Lassen created a United Nations commemorative stamp
honoring the world’s oceans, and said that his work “expresses the
interconnectedness between Earth’s life forms and the creative
forces of the universe.” Not everyone, however, was swept
away. Surfer, in 1999, called Lassen’s work “narcoleptically
banal,” and said that his environmentalism “has the depth and power
of Spice Girls feminism.” Lassen was among the artists included in
Wall Street Journal’s 2006 “Shopping Mall Masters” feature,
whose poster-copied work was likely to “adorn the walls of
dentists’ offices, nursing homes and chain-hotel rooms.” Lassen
originals, however, were fetching up to
$300,000.”
Watch Lassen on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
here.
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In shocking rumor likely to send VALs and
their loved ones into fits of uncontrollable rage, despair, Costco
to discontinue the much-adored 8ft Wavestorm!
By Chas Smith
Dark days ahead.
Oh but how the VAL utopia was ticking along
without a bump in the road. An abundance of rinse-kits. Lineups
packed with joy. A smile on every face and a Wavestorm in every
garage but a hot new rumor out of Oahu for portents much possible
trouble directly over the horizon and I quote:
Potential for civil strife here in Oahu. My buddy and I
we’re just at the local Costco turning in our battered Wavestorms
for freshies in prep for an upcoming south swell. After being
refunded, we were informed that Costco has discontinued carrying
the classic 8.0 Stormie!
Boom.
And can you imagine what the VAL will do? This may be the first
time he has had a problem in his surfing life, a bump along her
surfing road. It’s been all shakas and inclusivity up until now.
Rainbows with various meanings.
One ocean etc.
Will they turn on each other in vicious ways, snarling and
snapping like injured dogs?
Will they quit en masse?
I’d imagine a run on Costco not seen since the great toilet
paper recession of 2020.
Scary.
More as the story develops.
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Listen: If Kolohe Andino wins a World Title
this year he will throw it in the trash, catch it on fire, stomp
away while flipping an all-American bird at professional
surfing!
By Chas Smith
America? F*ck yeah.
I don’t know this for a fact, or because I have
spoken to Kolohe lately, but his recent interview absolutely
torching the World Surf League’s new and ill-considered format on
Brazilian media made me fall in love with him once again.
The two of us have history which you may, or may not, be aware
of.
I first interviewed him for a feature on proto-Stab Premium
decades ago, taking him to the Ritz-Carlton overlooking Salt Creek,
ordered some vodka thing and asking if he wanted the same.
He said, “No. I’m 14.”
On the way home he added, “Don’t worry. I won’t tell my dad you
tried to buy me booze.”
Later, after the success of Red Bull’s greatest surf film of
all-time, Who is JOB, I
secured a Red Bull Kolohe Andino film wherein he would be depicted
at the end of his career. Many substance abuse issues, broke,
living in his mother’s basement.
Genius.
We shot the first scene and did not receive any more funding. I
have it somewhere and it’s brilliant.
But Kolohe is us.
He always has been.
And him ripping in to the new WSL format re-re-re-confirms. He
wants a title, an actual title, not some random win at Lowers on
some random day.
He, like us, knows “it takes a tour to make a title.”
He, like a phoenix from the ashes is our new North Star.
Did you ever think the lame “takes a tour…” tagline would
actually sum up what we’re all about?
Me neither.
David Lee and I also discuss revolutionizing the whole game by
sponsoring Caio Ibelli.
The best surfer in the world?
A tight race between he and Kolohe.
Listen here.
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House of “gentle but fierce-looking”
Hawaiian surf legend destroyed in terrifying blaze: “It was a
towering inferno!”
By Derek Rielly
"Today we remember a house full of love."
A fire of a yet-to-be-determined cause has destroyed the
home of Hawaiian surf legend Tony Moniz, daddy to rookie of the
year Seth, Pipe trials winner Josh and longboard world
champ Kelia,
Tony and his wife Tammy split the fire with nothing but their
lil dog, a Bible and a couple of Tony’s beloved surf trophies from
the Duke contest.
“Twenty-four surfers get invited each year,” Tony told
Hawaii News
Now. “As a young child growing up I always wanted
to get into the Duke Classic. Which wasn’t easy to do. It was the
world tour to me. That was my goal.”
Ten fire trucks with forty firefighters hit the blaze, which
started in the garage, but were unable to save the home.
“Within minutes, it was a towering inferno,” said Tony, a
champion boxer, motocross rider and one of Hawaii’s best surfers in
the seventies, eighties and nineties.
According to Warshaw’s
Encylopedia of Surfing, “In the early ’80s,
Moniz was one of the first to master the lay-forward stance, which
allowed a backside-riding surfer to get nearly as deep inside the
tube as a frontsider. In 1982, 1983, and 1984 he was a finalist in
the Duke Kahanamoku Classic, held at Sunset Beach. By the mid-’80s,
Moniz was concentrating on big surf, and he placed sixth in both
the 1999 and 2001 Quiksilver-Aikau events at Waimea Bay.”
Another surfer of note, Derek Hynd, who lost his own home in
2019, wrote, “From unfortunate experience the entire
sequence from spark to knowing the worst is coming down can take
place in seconds, not even a minute. Tony sits as the toppest Top
Bloke that I’ve met in my surfing decades and I hope he and the
family emerge without long lasting effects from the trauma.
Tragic.”
The house, which is in a real nice part of Honolulu, just east
of Diamond Head, was worth around $600k.
There’s a GoFundMe
kicking around, hoping to raise 200k to help rebuild the joint.