Warning: Australian man lands in emergency room with ruptured bowel after surfing near “brown sludge” in Port Fairy!

EPA on the case.

Of all the many things that can go rotten whilst surfing, (busted eardrums, dislocated shoulders, destroyed knees, shark attack, etc.) a ruptured bowel wall is not front of mind but this is exactly what happened to an Australian man over the Easter holiday, landing him in an emergency room, clinging to life.

Tim Dryden of Warrnambool had decided to surf The Passage in Port Fairy, as fine an idea as any, and paddled out into Victoria’s typical chill. Between sets, though, he noticed what he described as a “brown sludge” on the surface of the water. Assuming it to be churned up kelp, he ignored and kept at it.

Two days later, he was in the hospital, doctors feverishly sewing up a ruptured bowel wall they said caused by an infection picked up somewhere.

“I’ve actually had a life-changing and also life-threatening experience,” Mr Dryden said.

“Initially I was just shocked and then, I mean, I’m not an emotional person but I started thinking my life’s really changed. I nearly died.” He told ABC news.

As fate would have it, the patient occupying the hospital room next to his had also been out surfing the same spot just hours later and had been shuttled to the emergency room as well.

“I just thought it was bad luck initially, but if it turns out something that’s in the water, then that’s a whole other ballgame,” Mr Dryden said.

Now, the Environmental Protection Agency is looking into the matter though the local water authority is denying any problem, its director releasing the terse statement, “Wannon Water has not experienced any issues with our Port Fairy Sewage Treatment Plant or the outfall.”

What could the brown sludge have been?

Will you think twice next time an unknown substance floats past you?

I can’t think of much worse than a ruptured bowel wall.

Listen: Where do Gabriel Medina and Neymar Jr. rank on all-time list of sporting power couples? Both reaching peak potency, thanks to each other, in the same year?

History in the works.

The exquisitely wonderful coupling of Brazil’s Gabriel Medina and Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior has become a fun, if not interesting, talking point just months ago. Could it actually become the stuff of legends?

Sporting power couples are not common, not at all, which is why they are so incredible when they work. Usually after one, or both, have reached prime before they couple.

When they are on the downside.

See: Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick’s run.

But the ones that work?

Stuff of legends.

See: Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe, Zach Ertz and Julie Ertz.

I pondered this, today, whilst chatting with David Lee Scales, getting the letter wrong though not the spirit. I thought Sue Bird was married to Abby Wambach and Travis Kelce married to some model but Zach Ertz, easily confused, married to Julie, a phenomenal soccer player.

Spirit correct.

Sporting power couples rare and legendary.

See: Gabriel Medina and Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior.

Gab has electrified the surfing world with his re-re-emergence after the second, or maybe third, World Surf League work stoppage. Neymar is on the cusp of proving every critic wrong, possibly winning soccer’s Champion League, shushing many, many critics.

If Medina wins title and Neymar wins soccer world MVP where will they sit on the list?

Top five, for certain, but top three?

What if they double down next year?


Listen here.

Watch: Popular Oahu beach closed as fifteen-foot Tiger Sharks indulge in lewd bacchanal, feast on dead Humpback Whale carcass just off shore!

Life's a beach.

Imagine being a tourist in Hawaii, seeing the light at the end of a forever long pandemic tunnel, feeling the warm Spring sunshine on your face. Flying from the America’s midwest, say, or northeast. Getting tested before leaving, tested again upon arrival.

Covid free.

Strolling on the white sands of Waikiki with the wife and children at sunset. Daytripping to the North Shore to show them the famous Banzai Pipeline. Traveling to the most beautiful east side to show them where Jurassic Park was filmed.

Stopping by for a swim at Waimanalo Bay Beach Park and seeing the last of your children’s innocence draining away as they gaze out in abject horror, taking in a lewd bacchanal as multiple fifteen-foot Tiger Sharks feast on the carcass of a dead Humpback Whale.

No safety anywhere.

Covid still in the air, China and the U.S. saber rattling. Britain’s royal family in tatters.

The world an apocalyptic mess.

Life’s a beach, ain’t it just though.

Watch here.

Mick, happy yogi.

Shark attack survivor and three-time world champ Mick Fanning makes surprise pivot away from surfing; buys studio in Byron Bay teaching “whitest sport on earth!”

"I just feel straighter after it," says Mick.

The three-time world surfing champion and shark attack survivor, Mick Fanning, might be making a wildcard cameo at the Narrabeen Pro tomoz, but his thoughts will be, likely, on his bold new biz venture, a yoga and pilates studio in Byron Bay, one of twenty in that sub-tropical, wellness utopia.

Fanning is the face of “new fitness concept FS8”, a combo of yoga, pilates and “tone” and launched by the company behind F45, an Australian fitness chain that offers standardised forty-five minute circuit training and which is valued at around half-a-bill US and counts Marky Mark as one of its shareholders. 

(Its co-founder Adam Gilchrist owns a chain of pretty houses worth forty-mill up the east coast, most of ‘em bought for hitherto unheard of prices.)

Mick’s studio, which is a franchise, will be one of eight FS8 studios launched simultaneously across Australia.

“I’m always looking at businesses … and Byron is one of those places where I think it’ll do really well,” Fanning, who has scoliosis, told News Corp.

“Yoga, pilates and tone is something I’ve used throughout my career. It was something that really helped with obviously strengthening the core but also lengthening muscles while strengthening them.” People forget you’ve got to stretch, everyone just goes to the gym and lifts weights most of the time, but I find pilates, yoga and tone are ways to not only work out but for me having scoliosis I just feel straighter after it, which is perfect.”

Yoga has been labelled the “whitest sport on earth”,and was the subject of a brave essay in The Atlantic in 2014 where its “white privilege”, “upper class privilege”  and “implicit racism” was laid bare, shattering the woke bona fides of tens of thousands of white skinny gals in plastic pants everywhere.

Voice of the World Surf League Joe Turpel now on celebrity shout-out app Cameo: “Birthday wishes, pep talks, mean-spirited roasts are a specialty, handcrafted for only $30 a pop!”

Dreams come true.

Can you believe our World Surf League heroes and heroines (she/him/it/them/my/me/they) are back to action in less than 24 hours? Oh the dreamy the Rip Curl Narabeen Classic presented by Corona. Mick “White Lightning” Fanning paddling for the first time since un-retiring. Tyler “Black Lives Matter” Wright attempting to avenge an ugly loss just up the coast in Newcastle.

The Voice of Professional Surfing Joe Turpel in the booth, hand jamming.

What could be better but I know a watched pot never boils and this less than 24 hours will seem like an absolute eternity.

Thankfully we have technology.

As just revealed, the very same Joe Turpel is on the celebrity shout-out app Cameo. It appears his specialities are birthday celebrations, pep talks and roasts. Shall I transcribe the roast (delivered lounging vaguely sexy on a bed)?

I think yes.

Terry, what’s happening? It’s Joe Turpel just uhhhh thinking about New Zealand…gosh how good the waves are there. The place is unreal. I did a trip there… gosh… it’s been since 2015. Did the Raglan thing, went a little bit south but gosh it’s good there. I think the waves are still really fun… over there in Doncaster, UK. That’s a good spot to stay in the water all the time so… Terry? What are you doin? The kids are back at school, Becky needs you out of the house. I know you’re old but get out there and try to keep up with Pete. Happy belated birthday (insane laugh). Carl, you’re a legend.

Terry severely burned and all for $30.

What would you have Joe Turpel say for $30?

The world is your oyster.*

Buy here.

*I truly wish that celebrities who sign up to be on Cameo must, per contract, say whatever it is sent their way. A business opportunity for us?