Watch: Popular Oahu beach closed as fifteen-foot Tiger Sharks indulge in lewd bacchanal, feast on dead Humpback Whale carcass just off shore!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Life's a beach.

Imagine being a tourist in Hawaii, seeing the light at the end of a forever long pandemic tunnel, feeling the warm Spring sunshine on your face. Flying from the America’s midwest, say, or northeast. Getting tested before leaving, tested again upon arrival.

Covid free.

Strolling on the white sands of Waikiki with the wife and children at sunset. Daytripping to the North Shore to show them the famous Banzai Pipeline. Traveling to the most beautiful east side to show them where Jurassic Park was filmed.

Stopping by for a swim at Waimanalo Bay Beach Park and seeing the last of your children’s innocence draining away as they gaze out in abject horror, taking in a lewd bacchanal as multiple fifteen-foot Tiger Sharks feast on the carcass of a dead Humpback Whale.

No safety anywhere.

Covid still in the air, China and the U.S. saber rattling. Britain’s royal family in tatters.

The world an apocalyptic mess.

Life’s a beach, ain’t it just though.

Watch here.

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Mick, happy yogi.

Shark attack survivor and three-time world champ Mick Fanning makes surprise pivot away from surfing; buys studio in Byron Bay teaching “whitest sport on earth!”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

"I just feel straighter after it," says Mick.

The three-time world surfing champion and shark attack survivor, Mick Fanning, might be making a wildcard cameo at the Narrabeen Pro tomoz, but his thoughts will be, likely, on his bold new biz venture, a yoga and pilates studio in Byron Bay, one of twenty in that sub-tropical, wellness utopia.

Fanning is the face of “new fitness concept FS8”, a combo of yoga, pilates and “tone” and launched by the company behind F45, an Australian fitness chain that offers standardised forty-five minute circuit training and which is valued at around half-a-bill US and counts Marky Mark as one of its shareholders. 

(Its co-founder Adam Gilchrist owns a chain of pretty houses worth forty-mill up the east coast, most of ‘em bought for hitherto unheard of prices.)

Mick’s studio, which is a franchise, will be one of eight FS8 studios launched simultaneously across Australia.

“I’m always looking at businesses … and Byron is one of those places where I think it’ll do really well,” Fanning, who has scoliosis, told News Corp.

“Yoga, pilates and tone is something I’ve used throughout my career. It was something that really helped with obviously strengthening the core but also lengthening muscles while strengthening them.” People forget you’ve got to stretch, everyone just goes to the gym and lifts weights most of the time, but I find pilates, yoga and tone are ways to not only work out but for me having scoliosis I just feel straighter after it, which is perfect.”

Yoga has been labelled the “whitest sport on earth”,and was the subject of a brave essay in The Atlantic in 2014 where its “white privilege”, “upper class privilege”  and “implicit racism” was laid bare, shattering the woke bona fides of tens of thousands of white skinny gals in plastic pants everywhere.

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Voice of the World Surf League Joe Turpel now on celebrity shout-out app Cameo: “Birthday wishes, pep talks, mean-spirited roasts are a specialty, handcrafted for only $30 a pop!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Dreams come true.

Can you believe our World Surf League heroes and heroines (she/him/it/them/my/me/they) are back to action in less than 24 hours? Oh the dreamy the Rip Curl Narabeen Classic presented by Corona. Mick “White Lightning” Fanning paddling for the first time since un-retiring. Tyler “Black Lives Matter” Wright attempting to avenge an ugly loss just up the coast in Newcastle.

The Voice of Professional Surfing Joe Turpel in the booth, hand jamming.

What could be better but I know a watched pot never boils and this less than 24 hours will seem like an absolute eternity.

Thankfully we have technology.

As just revealed, the very same Joe Turpel is on the celebrity shout-out app Cameo. It appears his specialities are birthday celebrations, pep talks and roasts. Shall I transcribe the roast (delivered lounging vaguely sexy on a bed)?

I think yes.

Terry, what’s happening? It’s Joe Turpel just uhhhh thinking about New Zealand…gosh how good the waves are there. The place is unreal. I did a trip there… gosh… it’s been since 2015. Did the Raglan thing, went a little bit south but gosh it’s good there. I think the waves are still really fun… over there in Doncaster, UK. That’s a good spot to stay in the water all the time so… Terry? What are you doin? The kids are back at school, Becky needs you out of the house. I know you’re old but get out there and try to keep up with Pete. Happy belated birthday (insane laugh). Carl, you’re a legend.

Terry severely burned and all for $30.

What would you have Joe Turpel say for $30?

The world is your oyster.*

Buy here.

*I truly wish that celebrities who sign up to be on Cameo must, per contract, say whatever it is sent their way. A business opportunity for us?

Cancelmeo?

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Possibly the best marriage of music and surfing ever.

South African surfer Mikey February delivers stunning riposte to The New Yorker’s claim that his style is “as self-conscious as the duck-face selfie!”

John Miskelly

By John Miskelly

A dish best served cold etc.

(Editor’s note: Two years ago, The New Yorker ran a very good story by Jamie Brisick called, “Surfing in the Age of the Omnipresent Camera”, which described Mikey February’s surfing thus, “His hand jive, soul arches, and toreador-like flourishes play to the camera in a way that breaks the spell of the itinerant surfer in far-flung solitude. His style is as self-conscious as the duck-face selfie.”)

Damn if Mikey February doesn’t have one of the most carefree, effortless styles of any surfer anywhere. More serenity and nonchalance on a short board than most longboarders could ever dream of.

Minimum adjustments to maximum effect. Speed generated from nowhere. That weird little flick forward of the back foot he does like he’s tapping a reverb pedal. 

Lovely stuff.

Mikey fronts Sonic Souvenirs, a series by Vans described in the blurb as “portraits that take us on an exploration of art, music and surfing.”

Fair play if that’s a put off. Sounds a bit Venice Beach gallery exhibition. 

But no. 

In this first episode Mikey is accompanied on his travels by Durban veteran and musical sage Madala Kunene. The combination of the two talents is sublime, possibly the best marriage of music and surfing ever. Magnificent shots of East and West coast South Africa combined with delicate acoustic licks and raw drum recordings. 

Watch it while your stuck in traffic or crammed into a subway train. Hood up. Headphones in. Transcendent viewing. Roll on future episodes. 

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Australia’s Olympic Surf Team doubles down on wickedly clever self-given nickname “The Irukandjis,” adds additional tagline: “Our name and identity are powerful forces!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

"Deadly in the Water."

Australia’s Olympic surf team electrified the world, weeks ago, when it was revealed they had selected the nickname “The Irukandjis” ahead of this summer’s Tokyo Games.

At the time, Layne Beachley, chair of Surfing Australia and seven-time world champion, said, “Our name and identity are powerful forces. As surfing enters the Olympics for the first time and enjoys incredible popularity worldwide, it was time to give our Australian team an identity that we can all rally behind. The Irukandji’s sting in the water is ferocious and that is how our Australian surfers approach competition.”

The Irukandji, a very ouchy, very small, jellyfish that makes its home in the country’s tropical waters, was self-chosen as nickname but then gifted by indigenous Australians. Senior Ranger of the Yirrganydji Land and Sea Programme Brian Singleton said, “The Irukandji jellyfish was named after the Yirrganydji people who were believed to be extinct but we aren’t! The Yirrganydji supports ‘The Irukandjis’ Australian surf team as they take on the world.”

Very cool but things took an even niftier turn, days ago, when it was revealed an official tagline had been added.

“Deadly in the Water™.”

Stephanie Gilmore, seven-time world champ, explained, “Irukandji perfectly suits our team as we try our best to be ‘deadly in the water’ against our rivals in the Tokyo Olympics.”

At time of publishing, it is unclear if the United States, South Africa, France or Brazil have selected nicknames and taglines but it will be very difficult to beat “Deadly in the Water™.”

Maybe impossible.

Do you have any helpful suggestions?

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Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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