"I love how the men are learning that their friends are not actually their friends when there’s $100k on the line. Shakas, bros!"

In this episode: There are barrels! So many barrels.

And plotting!

Some of it succeeds, but mostly, it fails!

There is much falling, and two more surfers go home, which is very sad.

Welcome back to the drama! More Ultimate Surfer, can you even believe it?

It is not cancelled, at least not yet.

This gives me joy, because I so want to see how it all turns out.

Will Anastasia, in fact, be back?

Can Bachelor contestants learn to surf?

I have so many questions. I can only hope the next episodes answer them all.

Last week, we said good-bye to Anastasia and Luke, who was very sad. My dude, you fell in the barrel.

Remember what Kelly said? Don’t fall. Do we have to explain everything?

There was chick drama! I am looking forward to Malia’s revenge. Surely, she will get even after Breanna and Tia ganged up on her bestie Anastasia. Really, I’m just here for the blood feuds, both real and imagined. More blood feuds! Please can I have this one nice thing.

Episode 3! “Nama-Stay off my barrel!”

I don’t even know what this means, but I have eaten my arugula salad and I’m cuddled up in my favorite jammies. Really, I should have a loungewear sponsor for this thing. I’m so ready for more barrel and more blood feud!

Let’s go!

Oh, I’m early. The Bachelor in Paradise is still on. There is a truly beautiful beach right here. Also, some very spangly frocks with perilously low necklines. And an actual ocean. Looks so sexy!

Surfing. We must stay so focused. Eyes on the prize!

There are ten surfers left. Maybe I’ll be back, bitches! They can’t replay that line too many times. Also, thanks to the opening credits, I finally know how to spell Brianna’s name. Things are looking up already.

Sweet. An air horn!

It sounds so good. Please do that more times. Love it.

The famous guy named Jesse is making everyone wake up super early. He is very square and American. I don’t know where they found him. Maybe they created him in a lab somewhere.

Malia is not stoked and her eyes are still stuck closed. They are doing something with barrels, but not like the wave, like the thing they use to carry beer. It looks very hard and not that fun. This joke is way too obvious.

Oh look! Marvel has a super-hero movie! Coming so soon! It actually looks rad. I know even less about super hero films than I do about famous people. But this commercial makes me want to learn. My brain is a sponge for marketing, yes!

More barrels. Everyone is falling. Somehow I missed who won the men. Someone won!

Tia wins the women! She is fierce!

Still more barrels! But it is the final round, at last!

Koa and Juli are in the final. So is Tia and Alejandro! Juli does a stylish dismount. Best air, I’ve seen this whole time so far! Koa wins the whole thing! This was way less exciting than they made it sound, I feel! Juli is wearing a cute bikini from Jolyn. Would wear!

Oh, there are prizes! Juli and Koa win an e-foil! It is full Zuckerberg right now. Koa, it feels like I’m walking on water! Like a bird flying through the sky! Also a sound effect that I cannot spell, so you must imagine. Koa likes his sound effects.

Kai Barger is trying to get an extra wave off Koa. Apparently, as part of the barrel-walking challenge, Koa and Juli scored some extra waves. So now Kai wants them. He reminds Koa that they’ve known each other forever and ever! So much kissing ass right now. I do not think Koa is convinced!

Somehow, there is a woman and I’ve not noticed her until now. I am not even sure what her name is! I am a terrible Surf Journalist! I should fire myself.

With the challenge over, they are having a party now. Malia and Mason are flirting cutely and dancing. Everyone has wine. It’s very precious and the soundtrack is so wholesome.

Celebrate! I’m pretty sure this is what Surfline Man listens to when he’s trying to get laid. I see why it never really works out for him.

Everyone is friends now and it feels like a happy family! All these good vibes are totally not going to last long, I can feel it. I miss Anastasia, bitches!

Koa is making some terrible mixture in the blender. I am scared to imagine what’s in there. Kai says he is old and he danced too much last night. Everyone is training super hard. There are weights and bicycles and stuff.

Mason! I did not even know this guy existed before now. He is from Hawaii! His hair is very good! It has the perfect, beach brah, tousle! I do not know how much product this effect required. Worth it!

Barrel challenge! Mason says the barrel at Surf Ranch is very hard! So fast! He is excited to try his skills.

I am scared of Koa’s cheekbones.

Oh wait, there’s Steph! They are using Steph as an example of how to barrel. I would like to watch Steph barrel all day.

I have learned the new woman’s name. It is Bruna. I mean, she is not new! But new to me, because I am bad at paying attention to details. Bruna is super excited about the barrel. Kai is her partner and hoping he can complete his wave.

Kai barrels so good! He stays in the barrel so long! He is good at the surfing now. Bruna falls down and disappears. Everyone is very worried. I hope there is no blood. I’m not good at blood.

Very exciting commercial now! I think for a car of some kind. They are getting tacos in a new car. I like tacos. No, I do not want upcoming news stories! I want more barrel!

Where is Bruna? The suspense is so hard!

Oh, she’s fine! It was all a hoax to keep me here during the commercials. Like, I was going anywhere. Zeke is hockey-talking about how great he is. Malia is very excited to barrel, too!

Malia is not wrong to be excited! She is very good at it, in fact! Zeke did a long one, too. So much barrel for Zeke! Everyone is like, pretend happy for Zeke. Really, they hate him! He wins all the surfing, which makes them angry and frustrated.

Oh shit, Tia falls without a barrel! She was trying to slow down, but it wasn’t working. And then, she dug a rail and bye bye Tia! Alejandro falls, too.

Mason got so deep! Too deep! I do not know what happened to Brianna. Something bad, maybe!

Koa is from the North Shore and talks some shit about how good at barrel he is. Juli is so good vibes. I did not expect her to be one of my favorites! But she is. And she did a nice barrel. Not the most perfect, but not bad either! She did not fall.

Ooooh, slo-mo for Koa! Turpel is very excited. They all like Koa’s barrel. It is very deep and amazing and stuff. I am still scared of Koa’s cheekbones. They are going to haunt me forever!

Oh shit, a commercial before I learn the winners! All-American boy Jesse is just taunting me now. Galaxy flip phone! So cute. Also, I am learning there is a lot of television to watch, and I am not doing a very good job watching it!

But I want to know the winners. Hurry marketing people! Hurry up and put your products in my brain!

Zeke and Malia win again! They are winning so much here. Malia is very excited. She likes to be in the power seat. Now they get to pick who goes to the surf-off.

The surf-off part is so stressful! There are so many possibilities and conniving. Zeke loves this part the most. I love stirring the pot, he says. I like to be in control.

Koa thinks they are going to pick them! Now, they are second-guessing all the guesses. They have extra waves.

Zeke and Malia have a plan!

Malia so hates Tia. Malia picks Tia and Alejandro. They pick Kai and Bruna! Juli gives her extra wave to Bruna. Koa does not give his extra wave away! Kai is like, shocked right now. He was hoping Koa would give him a wave.

I love how the men are learning that their friends are not actually their friends when there’s $100k on the line. Shakas, bros!

I did not realize Bruna has been on the CT previously. She is from Brazil. She lost her mojo and fell off Tour. She is hoping for a second chance.

Tia is just so fired up right now! She wants to win so much! The more times she goes to the elimination round, the more fired up she becomes!

Night surfing! So drama!

Bruna did not make the take-off? Omg. Like, she tried to paddle into it, and didn’t like, make it into the wave. Everyone is shocked and dismayed. After Juli gave her an extra wave and everything! Bruna has the most pressure now.

Tia is not good at the barrel. She tries to stall, but it gets away from her. She tries to turn, but gets all stuck. And she falls down.

Bruna, her turns are nice! Her barrel, she falls!

Kai, he is also a faller!

The door is still open for Alejandro! Turpel likes his turns. Idk, it’s all surfing to me. I am having trouble keeping track of the surfing part.

Scores, they come! We finally learn who stays and who goes!

Alejandro, he lives! He has survived. He is good at throwing down in the elimination rounds and surviving. This is good and useful.

Tia, she is also back!

Zeke and Malia’s big plan has backfired. They were hoping to send Tia and Alejandro home forever. Instead, Tia and Alejandro? So fired up right now. This is going to be so ugly next time! There is so much hate brewing. I feel so much blood feud coming.

New episode already, tomorrow!

I will be back, bitches!

Once home to the archest of anti-VAL surfers, Miklos Dora, the joint is now ground zero for surfing’s rebirth as the ultimate inclusive, diverse and safe divertissement.

A new belle epoch beckons for Malibu, a twenty-mile square beachfront and almost exclusively White enclave of million-and-billionaires thirty miles west of downtown Los Angeles.

Once home to the archest of anti-VAL surfers, Miklos “I am the one and only rightful king of Malibu” Dora, the pretty little town is now ground zero for surfing’s rebirth as the ultimate inclusive, diverse and safe divertissement.

The two-time academy award nominated actor and director Jonah Hill, who may or may not be referred to as a VAL, the epithet depending on how badly you want to swallow the Superbad star’s gravy, cemented his own position in the famous lineup last month when he paid nine million dollars for a house in Malibu Colony, a guarded, gated beachfront setup footsteps from point made famous by the aforementioned Dora.

And, Paris Hilton, just turned forty, is a surfing devotee, shown the ropes of the sport of Queens many years ago during a tour of LA by Bra Boy Koby Abberton.

Paris’ new joint, bought for $8.4 mill, and built in 1955, is Universal Pictures’ chairman Tom Pollock’s old place. Tom, he dead now, threw the same amount at it in 2007, proving not all real estate, even supposedly blue chip, is a sure thing investment-wise. 

Also living in the place is Paris’ boo, Carter Reum, rich kid son of late tycoon Robert Reum, although he ain’t entirely a trust-fund kid. He sold his vodka brand VEEV for bank and is worth around three-hundred mill. 

The joint is at La Costa beach, public below the high-tide line, but no direct access means if you wanna gawk at Paz, go via the Carbon gate next to Davey Geffen’s place, 22126 PCH, between the Malibu Pier at Surfrider Beach and Carbon Canyon Road. 

Here’s a taste.

 

 

“No kooks, locals only.”

In news that will chill the spine of vulnerable adult learner surfers everywhere, New Zealand has drawn a line in the sand against the VALpocalypse.

In a surprising move, Jacinda Adern’s leftist regime whose progressive bona fides are beyond any sorta reproach, Marxist at heart if not practice, has used the COVID pandemic to shut down out-of-towners and kooks. 

Currently the little island nation is under tough “Alert 4 level” restrictions as it battles what is, viewed through a worldwide perspective, a minor hit of the bug. 

Better to be safe than sorry, I suppose, although it does bring to mind Russian author Czeslaw Milosz’s observation of the “vulnerability of the twentieth century mind to seduction by socio-political doctrines and its readiness to accept totalitarian terror for the sake of a hypothetic future.”

Via the government’s COVID-info site, 

“Surfing — if you are an experienced surfer, you can go to your local break. If you are not experienced, do not surf.

“If you are not experienced, do not surf.” 

Have you ever read a sentence of comparable wisdom and virtue? 

Interestingly, outer-reef sessions are banned as restrictions remind surfers to “stay within 200 metres of the shore.” 

Also allowed in New Zealand is “white-baiting” which, I had hoped, would be the taunting of white devils by major media outlets, as per the US’s NY Times, New Yorker, CNN etc, although it appears to be a sort of fishing.