Wait, what?

Surfing’s grand Olympic debut is now, officially, one for the record books what with the Tokyo Olympics turning out the lights after two-weeks of heady excitement. The man responsible for getting our favorite pastime into the Games, International Surfing Association chief Fernando Aguerre, was drunk, as we all were, on the hope, the promise, the glory of global acceptance but now comes the hangover.

In a lightly depressing interview to the Associated Press, Aguerre reveals oh what might have been as “an eight-day Olympic Surfing Festival was supposed to ‘revolutionize the Olympic experience” because “it was designed to be an initiation to both the beloved niche sport and its famous laid-back lifestyle.”

And we all know that the surfing lifestyle is as essential to the overall experience as the surfing itself. Cocaine (buy here), talking to strangers about solutions to very challenging problems in beach-adjacent bars at surf movie premiers, riots when inland hordes invade with flat brimmed caps driven crazy by suggestive messages written on underaged bodies etc.

Alas what might have been.

“It was a view of the lifestyle and the culture of surfing,” Aguerre told the AP, “So there was yoga, there was environmentalism, classes on how to be environmentally sound as a person. It was a surf initiation. For me, it’s very sad because this was a very, very new idea. This is not something that happens at Olympic events.”

Yoga, environmentalism and classes on how to be environmentally sound as a person?

Wait, what?

A "come home" moment!

Surfing’s grand Olympic debut is now very much behind us but the impact of the historic day is still reverberating through hearts and minds. Italo Ferreira, plucky Brazilian all-star, won gold in the men’s division and Carissa Moore, Hawaiian-American, won gold in the women’s.

The Associated Press had made news ahead of the games by laying bare to our Sport of Kings, declaring it was culturally appropriated by California whites and deeply unchill. Bill Maher, days later, blasted the AP for pushing its “woke Olympics,” while singling the surfing coverage out as deeply unsettling, going so far as to doubt that it had been appropriated from Hawaiians because Hawaiians likely did not even invent surfing, saying, “How do we know that they were the first to stand on a board on water? It seems like its something that any person near any ocean would eventually do.”

Rude, no?

The AP, undaunted, is now reporting that surfing has officially been re-appropriated from the appropriators by Hawaii, due Moore’s win.

Moore has now become a realization of Kahanamoku’s dream, at once the symbol of the sport’s very best and a validating force for an Indigenous community that still struggles with its complex history.

“It’s a reclaiming of that sport for our native community,” said Kūhiō Lewis, president of the Council for Native Hawaiian Advancement, which convenes the largest annual gathering of Native Hawaiians.

Lewis said all the locals he knew were texting each other during the competition, glued to the TV and elated, even relieved, by Moore’s “surreal” win. He called it a “come to home moment” for a community that may never reconcile its dispossession.

After centuries of colonization by various European settlers, Hawaii was annexed by the United States in 1898 after the overthrow of the Hawaiian monarchy by U.S.-backed forces in 1893.

“At times, we’re an invisible people. We’re lumped in to other ethnic groups. Our sport is being defined by other groups. This puts it into perspective,” Lewis said. “It feels like an emerging of a people, of a native community that has been invisible to many.”

Beautiful, no?

Is cranky ol’ Bill Maher going to take another swing?

Moore as the story develops.

Which side will win?

Hawaii, well known for its rainbows, shaved ice and very find surf, is currently being ripped apart at the very seams as animal rights advocates, typically thin-armed and shrill, are ripping each other apart in a vicious civil war pitting cat lovers against bird lovers.

The troubles started with an explosion of the island’s feral cat population, which has boomed into the millions.

There they sit, under swaying palms, licking their own filth, killing birds.

According to scientists, cats kill an estimated 2.4 billion birds in the U.S. alone. The problem is exacerbated in Hawaii where native birds are not used to feline business and, therefore, easier to munch.

To help reduce the feral cat population, cat advocates have encouraged a program called TNR or “trap neuter release.” Bird advocates declare it is not enough as, once released, the sexless cats continue to kill, kill, kill. They argue that the program should be rolled into TNSD or “trap neuter suffocate dissect.”

The two sides are now engaged in a well-funded propagandhi war, violently handing out glossy pamphlets etc. pleading their position.

Which side will win?

Are you Team Cat or Team Bird?

I once dissected a suffocated cat in school. It looked a little like Tunsis.