"I start to swim as hard as I can and I'm not going anywhere and so I'm like, 'This is how I die...'"

The comedy superstar Jonah Hill, more famous, recently, for his ascension to the throne of King of Malibu, has revealed he nearly drowned at Bondi Beach while on a promo tour for 21 Jump Street in Australia. 

Hill, now thirty-seven, had to be rescued by the beach’s famous lifeguards after diving “blackout drunk” into one of the beach’s notorious rip-tides, the event captured in a series of dramatic photographs, which you can examine here. 

Speaking to late-night talkshow host Conan O’Brien, Hill said, 

“We got off the plane and immediately we’re like, ‘Let’s go swimming!’ and so we go to Bondi Beach… and there’s such a bad riptide there that dumb tourists get off the plane and go swimming and drown, and get rescued.

“We go in the ocean and I start swimming and then what feels like a second later I look back and Chan’s (Tatum) about a mile away from me … He’s, like, by the beach taking pictures with people and I’m literally, like, head bobbing out, like, ‘What’s going on? Where am I?’

“I start to swim as hard as I can and I’m not going anywhere and so I’m like, ‘This is how I die…’ I am a guy who died in the ocean in Australia … wasted.

“Finally a guy comes out on a jet-ski and he’s like, ‘Hey mate, we gotta pull you in; you can die out here!’ He kinda pulls me in and then I start swimming and what’s crazy is there was paparazzi on the beach. Rarely in life do you tell a story that sounds ridiculous and there’s a picture that’s even more ridiculous than the actual story.

“We’re there for a week doing press and I open the newspaper and on the front page was, ‘Jonah Hill, actor, almost drowns’ and that picture is on the cover for all of Australia to see. Every interview we did started off with, ‘Heard you went for a swim yesterday… Somebody needs to get some floaties’.”

Two years later, Tatum and Hill would reprise the near-fatal event in the sequel to 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, with Tatum pulling his co-star from the surf in Puerto Rico. 

We had to kill the earth in order to save it.

Ahh, 2019. Can you still remember it?

International travel was unrestrained. Instagram surf personalities hadn’t assumed their new roles as medical practitioners. The left/right political dichotomy was not yet fully redundant. Tongue kissing strangers in the street was still ok.

Did it really even happen?

Wisps of memory of life pre-Covid persist, though they quickly recede in our mind like some fevered dream. So you’d easily be forgiven for not recalling the partnership between the WSL and Nordic furniture giant IKEA announced back in June of that year.

It was a weird match.

Like Red Cross teaming up with Jack Daniels.

Or Kanye West with Marilyn Manson.

But this was our world back then.

Unbridled positivity. Anything was possible, if two profit-driven corporate bodies could put their mind to it.

Here’s a refresher:

“With around 70% of its surface covered by oceans, Earth is rightly known as the blue planet. The ocean is a major producer in the oxygen we breathe, making it a crucial part of our everyday life regardless of where we live. IKEA is teaming up with WSL to better understand the everyday life of people that have a mobile and active way of living in close rhythm with the ocean. There are 370 million people across the world interested in surfing and more than 40 million active surfers. No sport relies on the ocean as much as surfing, which is why sustainability and protecting the ocean are naturally important to surfers.”

So went the breathless press release, still quoting WSL CEO Sophie Goldschmidt (“We’re looking forward to working with IKEA on a product collaboration around plastic using ocean-bound plastic”).

But since the announcement there had been very little mention of the exciting collaboration.

No updates from Erik. No TikToks.

Three hundred and seventy million surfing interested persons had, presumably, turned their interest to more pressing issues.

Partnership canned. Gone to dust like so many other pre-covid plans.

But we were wrong. Boy, were we wrong.

Like some flat-packed Lazarus, the collab nobody ever asked for has risen again, just in time for Trestles.

Landing in the inboxes of surf industry leeches this week was an invite for a sneak peek at the new WSL x IKEA range, to coincide with the Fina Series at Trestles.

“Join world champions Italo Ferriera and Carissa Moore for an exclusive look at this surf-centric collection.”

It’s obvious when you think about it.

A dedicated team spending more than two years in deep R&D. Secreted away from the societal collapse the rest of us have been subjected to. Studying the everyday life of people that have a mobile and active way of living in close rhythm with the ocean.

Keen little Swedish hands beavering away with a million allen keys to produce a range of indispensable surf-adjacent products, feat. ocean bound plastics where possible, for our eager consumption.

Exciting times.

The Earth weeps with joy. Oceans saved etc, and all thanks to disposable furniture made in China and low-labour cost eastern European countries, Romania etc.

But seriously, wtf kind of ‘surf-centric’ product is Ikea going to come up with?

Predictions?

Hoping my long-suggested shoe horn/toilet brush invention makes the cut.

"Last night, I dreamed of Koa’s cheekbones. And not in the good way. They continued to haunt me, as I tossed and turned, sleepless."

In this episode: There is a beach challenge that sounds like bad sex.

The teams perform pairs surfing, which unlike pairs figure skating does not involve spangly outfits. This part is super disappointing.

Two more surfers exit! More chick drama lurks on the horizon.

Last night, I dreamed of Koa’s cheekbones. And not in the good way. They continued to haunt me, as I tossed and turned, sleepless.

Perhaps he will be sent home tonight, and I will no longer be sleepless. A girl can hope. 

Previously, we watched an assortment of barrel-riding. Last night’s episode included a joke that only a very square, 1950’s-era dad would have found amusing. Oh, how he would have guffawed at the barrel-riding that turned out to occur on actual barrels made from wood rather than water. 

This marked my first actual cringe moment of this Ultimate Surfer adventure. Perhaps if I were in fact the step-daughter of a landlocked, soy bean farmer I would have better appreciated this effort. 

The trailer for tonight’s edition tantalizes with pairs surfing. I do hope no one ends up with a surfboard stuck where it does not belong.

“Risk it for the biscuit.”

This is the title.

Apparently, the ‘50s dad is not going to leave us alone. He is here, and so are we.

Life is struggle, etc

Episode 4! I have chocolate, but no loungewear sponsor. I will somehow survive. 

Let’s go!

Only eight surfers left, so presumably, shit will get more real now. Also, I really miss Kelly, and I wish he would come back to us. Kelly! Kelly, please come back! Please show us all how not to fall down. Our lives are so meaningless without you! 

Zeke is doing work-outs, while Malia plays guitar. Brianna and Mason are having a heart-to-heart. Brianna feels that Mason doesn’t want it badly enough. Mason is very chill and very surf bro. I’m not sure he fits into the whole reality TV scenario. 

Oh, Turpel and the other lady are involved in the day’s Beach Battle. There was a very… weird intro. I am realizing it is a callback to Bay Watch. I momentarily forgot this show once existed. I will now forget again. Turpel and Erin are the lifeguards. It’s very cute! 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTQu9BBjO-5/

They are doing a paddle battle on tethered boards. Both team mates are on the same board. And they try to win, somehow. Winner gets extra waves. Also, an unmentioned advantage. Everyone looks intrigued. Malia looks disgruntled about the silence on the advantage part.

Zeke and Malia are going to paddle-battle Alejandro and Tia. This is so intense right now. 

I don’t understand why they don’t just like, do a paddle race. I guess this is cooler. Oh, the boards are connected. The more one team wins, the more the other team goes backward. Tricky!

This sounds like really bad sex. I do not know how I feel about this. 

Zeke and Malia beat Tia and Alejandro. 

This was perhaps a tactical error on the part of Tia and Alejandro to try to get even with their blood feud rivals.

Zeke, apparently is good at paddling. He is from Hawaii.

Apparently, they do water things there.

Who knew?

Juli is a straight-up badass. She has worked as a lifeguard. Every woman I’ve ever known who has worked as a lifeguard has been super gnarly, so this should not surprise me!

Zeke and Malia compete in the finals with Juli and Koa. It is so suspenseful! They are both so strong. No one is winning. 

Oh, commercial! The suspense is the worst. I might die here. 

It is supposed to be tug of war on water! I did not get this at first. I guess I am too dumb for this show. Maybe the 1950s dad can come over here and explain it all to me. I’m sure he likes explaining things. 

Zeke: We win or we die! Zeke and Malia finally win a Beach Challenge. 

Zeke and Malia win stand-up paddle boards. I just laughed so loud! Best moment yet in this whole thing. They pretend to be happy and Zeke says something about being from a family who loves the ocean and stuff. 

The additional advantage! Zeke and Malia get to mix up one of the other teams. They swap Mason for Alejandro. The chemistry will be so different! 

KELLY VISION! 

I am so excited to see Kelly back on the holographic television. They are doing a cross-over challenge! Team surfing. It’s going to be so rad to see two people on the wave at a time. I can hardly wait. 

Don’t surf your favorite board! This is good advice, I feel.

Malia is stoked, because she has surfed Lowers her whole life with her dad. She knows all about the cross-over. She and Zeke are confident. We got this, they think! Perhaps they are right. We will find out!

Each team has a little white board. They are making diagrams! This is so American football. X’s and O’s, baby!

Mason does not want to barrel together. It is way too sketch! 

But, Koa is very excited to barrel with Juli. Risk it for the biscuit! Koa, so quotable. He is a 1950’s dad in disguise! I feel like this is a totally plausible explanation. Let’s just send it! Koa is so pumped up. He is a 1950’s dad with a coke habit in disguise. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTPlXG3tCKu/

Many much commercials for pharmaceutical products. There are a lot of the drugs in the world, and they do things, is what I’m learning. I did not expect so much learning to happen during Ultimate Surfer! It is a good surprise, maybe. 

Half way! Ominous music! 

Juli is not that confident, because she has never done double-surfing before! She believes in Koa. It will be interesting! 

Wave challenge time! 

It’s like ice dancing, but surfing! I wish there was more spangly costumes for this part. We could use some spangles, I feel. 

Turpel is explaining the cross-over. The only time I have maybe liked this kind of thing was when Steph and Rasto did it in Proximity. But I feel like even Steph could not make this kind of thing cool. 

Mason is worried. It is very fast! And so close together!

But so far, they look alright. They get a six or something. 

Zeke and Malia! They have an extra wave. Their first wave wasn’t anything special. Perhaps the next one will be better! Zeke did chop hops and stuff. So many cross-overs! The second wave went so much better. They’re learning here, just like me. 

Brianna and Alejandro are up next. They want to win so much! Turpel thinks that if they barrel together, they can win! 

Oh shit, commercial in the middle of the wave! Something exciting happened, but we don’t get to see it yet. Waiting is so hard. I think I need more chocolate. Or something. 

Oh Brianna and Alejandro are dancing! They are very cute. Alejandro got barreled, but not Brianna. So sad for Brianna! Omg, they got an 8.17! So high! 

If they do wipe out together, that would be very dangerous, says Turpel. 

Koa and Juli want to barrel together! Koa is very deep. Juli, not in the barrel. 

Inside of the womb of mother ocean! Turpel is so on form tonight.

Brianna and Alejandro win! They get to pick the teams going to the elimination round. This is going to be so heated. 

Alejandro is super happy to win! 

Zeke wants to surf the elimination round because he likes surfing. He taunts the winning team, and tells them to pick him.

Mason is nervous! 

Brianna and Tia are besties, so they can’t choose Brianna and Mason! They want to get rid of Malia. Or maybe Juli and Koa. The choices are so hard to make and so nerve-wracking. I am nervous too, here at home with my chocolate. 

It’s so tense now. 

I have never seen an ad for Haribo on US television, there is a first for everything! 

Koa and Juli, to the surf off! They choose Tia and Mason. 

Tia is very fired up! She wants to win, she has done the surf off so many times now. She is super confident. 

Koa has a magic board. He is excited. His board is excited. I am going to make out with my board, if I win this one. I hope we get to see that moment, actually. Why the hell not? 

Surf-off is just like, surfing. Overall performance!

Who will survive? 

You have one chance. What are you going to do with it? 

I did not come all this way, just to go home again, say Tia. 

She has style and control, says Turpel. Tia made the barrel, this time! She is getting better at the Surf Ranch. I’m surprised she’s not on Tour yet, says someone, I don’t know who.

Do you expect me to know everything? No, no you do not. 

Juli is up now. Less style, plenty of power. Juli has a nice, deep barrel. Who will win? 

Local news break! Also, Olive Garden sells much pasta with cheese, I see. And more drugs to buy for whatever ails us. They all have truly demented names, is a thing I’ve noticed. 

Koa and Mason are up! 

It is their first time in the elimination round. Mason looks so surf bro. I think his hair should have its own Instagram account. Koa’s cheekbones also need an Instagram account, so you can be haunted, too. 

Koa tries to blow the tail and falls. Mason, he has a chance! 

Oh, well, he did have a chance. He got sucked over the falls in the barrel. This is very sad, because I wanted Mason to win! 

But I fear it is more Koa Cheekbones for me! 

The last teams are hoping they get second. Zeke, he is so cocky, and I don’t hate it as much as I should. 

Koa Cheekbones is back! He wins the surf-off and we get to see more Koa. I am so excited, really, I am so excited. 

Malia, she wants Juli back! But she gets Tia, who is so good at the surf-offs. She has eliminated three women so far. 

Bye Juli! I did like Juli. Bye Mason!

I only learn now that he is gone, that Mason likes big-wave surfing. He is very excited to chase some 60-foot waves next winter. That seems way more cool than reality television, but maybe my judgement isn’t the best in these things. Perhaps this is why he does not fit into the picture especially well. Anyway, he goes home now! Bye! 

Six left! 

Malia feels so sad and left out, because Brianna and Tia are besties. It’s time to get serious, she says. 

More chick drama next time seems inevitable! This is so my favorite part, I can’t even wait to see what happens. 

Next week! More Surfing! More drama!

You know the rest, bitches!