Koa is very excited to barrel with Juli. Risk it for the biscuit! Koa, so quotable. He is a 1950’s dad in disguise! I feel like this is a totally plausible explanation. Let’s just send it! Koa is so pumped up. He is a 1950’s dad with a coke habit in disguise. 

ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, episode four analysis, “Koa Smith is so pumped up. He is a 1950’s dad with a coke habit in disguise!” 

"Last night, I dreamed of Koa’s cheekbones. And not in the good way. They continued to haunt me, as I tossed and turned, sleepless."

In this episode: There is a beach challenge that sounds like bad sex.

The teams perform pairs surfing, which unlike pairs figure skating does not involve spangly outfits. This part is super disappointing.

Two more surfers exit! More chick drama lurks on the horizon.

Last night, I dreamed of Koa’s cheekbones. And not in the good way. They continued to haunt me, as I tossed and turned, sleepless.

Perhaps he will be sent home tonight, and I will no longer be sleepless. A girl can hope. 

Previously, we watched an assortment of barrel-riding. Last night’s episode included a joke that only a very square, 1950’s-era dad would have found amusing. Oh, how he would have guffawed at the barrel-riding that turned out to occur on actual barrels made from wood rather than water. 

This marked my first actual cringe moment of this Ultimate Surfer adventure. Perhaps if I were in fact the step-daughter of a landlocked, soy bean farmer I would have better appreciated this effort. 

The trailer for tonight’s edition tantalizes with pairs surfing. I do hope no one ends up with a surfboard stuck where it does not belong.

“Risk it for the biscuit.”

This is the title.

Apparently, the ‘50s dad is not going to leave us alone. He is here, and so are we.

Life is struggle, etc

Episode 4! I have chocolate, but no loungewear sponsor. I will somehow survive. 

Let’s go!

Only eight surfers left, so presumably, shit will get more real now. Also, I really miss Kelly, and I wish he would come back to us. Kelly! Kelly, please come back! Please show us all how not to fall down. Our lives are so meaningless without you! 

Zeke is doing work-outs, while Malia plays guitar. Brianna and Mason are having a heart-to-heart. Brianna feels that Mason doesn’t want it badly enough. Mason is very chill and very surf bro. I’m not sure he fits into the whole reality TV scenario. 

Oh, Turpel and the other lady are involved in the day’s Beach Battle. There was a very… weird intro. I am realizing it is a callback to Bay Watch. I momentarily forgot this show once existed. I will now forget again. Turpel and Erin are the lifeguards. It’s very cute! 

They are doing a paddle battle on tethered boards. Both team mates are on the same board. And they try to win, somehow. Winner gets extra waves. Also, an unmentioned advantage. Everyone looks intrigued. Malia looks disgruntled about the silence on the advantage part.

Zeke and Malia are going to paddle-battle Alejandro and Tia. This is so intense right now. 

I don’t understand why they don’t just like, do a paddle race. I guess this is cooler. Oh, the boards are connected. The more one team wins, the more the other team goes backward. Tricky!

This sounds like really bad sex. I do not know how I feel about this. 

Zeke and Malia beat Tia and Alejandro. 

This was perhaps a tactical error on the part of Tia and Alejandro to try to get even with their blood feud rivals.

Zeke, apparently is good at paddling. He is from Hawaii.

Apparently, they do water things there.

Who knew?

Juli is a straight-up badass. She has worked as a lifeguard. Every woman I’ve ever known who has worked as a lifeguard has been super gnarly, so this should not surprise me!

Zeke and Malia compete in the finals with Juli and Koa. It is so suspenseful! They are both so strong. No one is winning. 

Oh, commercial! The suspense is the worst. I might die here. 

It is supposed to be tug of war on water! I did not get this at first. I guess I am too dumb for this show. Maybe the 1950s dad can come over here and explain it all to me. I’m sure he likes explaining things. 

Zeke: We win or we die! Zeke and Malia finally win a Beach Challenge. 

Zeke and Malia win stand-up paddle boards. I just laughed so loud! Best moment yet in this whole thing. They pretend to be happy and Zeke says something about being from a family who loves the ocean and stuff. 

The additional advantage! Zeke and Malia get to mix up one of the other teams. They swap Mason for Alejandro. The chemistry will be so different! 


I am so excited to see Kelly back on the holographic television. They are doing a cross-over challenge! Team surfing. It’s going to be so rad to see two people on the wave at a time. I can hardly wait. 

Don’t surf your favorite board! This is good advice, I feel.

Malia is stoked, because she has surfed Lowers her whole life with her dad. She knows all about the cross-over. She and Zeke are confident. We got this, they think! Perhaps they are right. We will find out!

Each team has a little white board. They are making diagrams! This is so American football. X’s and O’s, baby!

Mason does not want to barrel together. It is way too sketch! 

But, Koa is very excited to barrel with Juli. Risk it for the biscuit! Koa, so quotable. He is a 1950’s dad in disguise! I feel like this is a totally plausible explanation. Let’s just send it! Koa is so pumped up. He is a 1950’s dad with a coke habit in disguise. 

Many much commercials for pharmaceutical products. There are a lot of the drugs in the world, and they do things, is what I’m learning. I did not expect so much learning to happen during Ultimate Surfer! It is a good surprise, maybe. 

Half way! Ominous music! 

Juli is not that confident, because she has never done double-surfing before! She believes in Koa. It will be interesting! 

Wave challenge time! 

It’s like ice dancing, but surfing! I wish there was more spangly costumes for this part. We could use some spangles, I feel. 

Turpel is explaining the cross-over. The only time I have maybe liked this kind of thing was when Steph and Rasto did it in Proximity. But I feel like even Steph could not make this kind of thing cool. 

Mason is worried. It is very fast! And so close together!

But so far, they look alright. They get a six or something. 

Zeke and Malia! They have an extra wave. Their first wave wasn’t anything special. Perhaps the next one will be better! Zeke did chop hops and stuff. So many cross-overs! The second wave went so much better. They’re learning here, just like me. 

Brianna and Alejandro are up next. They want to win so much! Turpel thinks that if they barrel together, they can win! 

Oh shit, commercial in the middle of the wave! Something exciting happened, but we don’t get to see it yet. Waiting is so hard. I think I need more chocolate. Or something. 

Oh Brianna and Alejandro are dancing! They are very cute. Alejandro got barreled, but not Brianna. So sad for Brianna! Omg, they got an 8.17! So high! 

If they do wipe out together, that would be very dangerous, says Turpel. 

Koa and Juli want to barrel together! Koa is very deep. Juli, not in the barrel. 

Inside of the womb of mother ocean! Turpel is so on form tonight.

Brianna and Alejandro win! They get to pick the teams going to the elimination round. This is going to be so heated. 

Alejandro is super happy to win! 

Zeke wants to surf the elimination round because he likes surfing. He taunts the winning team, and tells them to pick him.

Mason is nervous! 

Brianna and Tia are besties, so they can’t choose Brianna and Mason! They want to get rid of Malia. Or maybe Juli and Koa. The choices are so hard to make and so nerve-wracking. I am nervous too, here at home with my chocolate. 

It’s so tense now. 

I have never seen an ad for Haribo on US television, there is a first for everything! 

Koa and Juli, to the surf off! They choose Tia and Mason. 

Tia is very fired up! She wants to win, she has done the surf off so many times now. She is super confident. 

Koa has a magic board. He is excited. His board is excited. I am going to make out with my board, if I win this one. I hope we get to see that moment, actually. Why the hell not? 

Surf-off is just like, surfing. Overall performance!

Who will survive? 

You have one chance. What are you going to do with it? 

I did not come all this way, just to go home again, say Tia. 

She has style and control, says Turpel. Tia made the barrel, this time! She is getting better at the Surf Ranch. I’m surprised she’s not on Tour yet, says someone, I don’t know who.

Do you expect me to know everything? No, no you do not. 

Juli is up now. Less style, plenty of power. Juli has a nice, deep barrel. Who will win? 

Local news break! Also, Olive Garden sells much pasta with cheese, I see. And more drugs to buy for whatever ails us. They all have truly demented names, is a thing I’ve noticed. 

Koa and Mason are up! 

It is their first time in the elimination round. Mason looks so surf bro. I think his hair should have its own Instagram account. Koa’s cheekbones also need an Instagram account, so you can be haunted, too. 

Koa tries to blow the tail and falls. Mason, he has a chance! 

Oh, well, he did have a chance. He got sucked over the falls in the barrel. This is very sad, because I wanted Mason to win! 

But I fear it is more Koa Cheekbones for me! 

The last teams are hoping they get second. Zeke, he is so cocky, and I don’t hate it as much as I should. 

Koa Cheekbones is back! He wins the surf-off and we get to see more Koa. I am so excited, really, I am so excited. 

Malia, she wants Juli back! But she gets Tia, who is so good at the surf-offs. She has eliminated three women so far. 

Bye Juli! I did like Juli. Bye Mason!

I only learn now that he is gone, that Mason likes big-wave surfing. He is very excited to chase some 60-foot waves next winter. That seems way more cool than reality television, but maybe my judgement isn’t the best in these things. Perhaps this is why he does not fit into the picture especially well. Anyway, he goes home now! Bye! 

Six left! 

Malia feels so sad and left out, because Brianna and Tia are besties. It’s time to get serious, she says. 

More chick drama next time seems inevitable! This is so my favorite part, I can’t even wait to see what happens. 

Next week! More Surfing! More drama!

You know the rest, bitches!

Inspirational surfer Bethany Hamilton decries new Hawaii restrictions demanding customers must show proof of vaccination, negative COVID test, in order to enter bars, restaurants, gyms: “For goodness sakes people do some decent research.”

Duck Duck Go(ose).

Strange days etc. The end of them etc. what with The Ultimate Surfer still airing, the United States now officially out of Afghanistan, Covid-19 variants headed out on a world tour re-shuttering, re-cloistering, winding the clock back to 2020.

Just yesterday, New Zealand used the virus to become the very first sovereign nation to outlaw vulnerable adult learner surfers.

Today, Hawaii, just across the Pacific, is demanding that customers of bars, restaurants, gyms etc. show either proof of vaccination or negative Covid test in order to enter.

Per the report:

Beginning Sept. 13, customers wishing to enter Oahu restaurants, bars, gyms and other establishments will need to show proof of vaccination or a negative COVID test.

The city’s Safe Access Oahu program will remain in effect for 60 days.

And the rules will be mandatory for all businesses covered by a new emergency order.

Honolulu Mayor Rick Blangiardi announced the program Monday amid an alarming surge in new COVID cases in Hawaii that’s threatening to overwhelm Hawaii’s health care system.

Inspirational surfer Bethany Hamilton, not pleased, took to Instagram to declare:

“Just a “60 day period”

“Just 2 weeks to flatten the curve”

Look at Israel… 90% vaccinated. Is the V working for them?!

For goodness sakes people do some decent research.

And please do it on duck duck go app.


How much do you imagine the duck duck go app pays for such fine promotion?

Also, shouldn’t Hawaii ban VALs too while they’re at it?

Are you excited for 2021?

Impossible not to be.

World’s 5th richest man Mark Zuckerberg caught enjoying e-foil life with mystery woman off his 1300 acre Kauai plot; accused of “colonizing the island!”

The Age of Zuckerberg.

The Ultimate Surfer is still on the air, or so it would appear, and that is much good news for winner Zeke Lau and, I would imagine, World Surf League CEO Erik Logan. Lau’s victory, gifting him three wild card slots into next year’s Championship Tour, will be deserved but, as the northern hemisphere’s summer winds to a close, I believe a true The Ultimate Surfer has risen.

Mark Zuckerberg.

The Facebook CEO and world’s fifth richest man was caught, for the fifth time in mere weeks, participating in our favorite surf-adjacent activity, e-foiling, this time with a “mystery gal pal.”

Page Six reported that, “He was dressed casually in black swim trunks, Adidas flip-flops, a gray pullover sweatshirt and mirrored sunglasses.” Also, “His beach outing apparently took place near his $100 million luxury estate, which he shares with his wife, Priscilla Chan. The couple own more than 1,300 acres on Kauai and have been accused of trying to ‘colonize’ the island.”

Which raises a very important question. How many acres are required to stretch “1%er” to “colonizer?”

Also, what will Kauai’s Age of Zuckerberg look like? What will be its defining characteristics? Will he rule Da People benevolently or force them into click farms where they will toil without joy?

Will the Wolfpak rise again?

Many important questions, I suppose.

Zeke and Tia, feared, therefore hated.

ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, episode three analysis: “Everyone is, like, pretend happy for Zeke Lau. Really, they hate him! He wins all the surfing, which makes them angry and frustrated!”

"I love how the men are learning that their friends are not actually their friends when there’s $100k on the line. Shakas, bros!"

In this episode: There are barrels! So many barrels.

And plotting!

Some of it succeeds, but mostly, it fails!

There is much falling, and two more surfers go home, which is very sad.

Welcome back to the drama! More Ultimate Surfer, can you even believe it?

It is not cancelled, at least not yet.

This gives me joy, because I so want to see how it all turns out.

Will Anastasia, in fact, be back?

Can Bachelor contestants learn to surf?

I have so many questions. I can only hope the next episodes answer them all.

Last week, we said good-bye to Anastasia and Luke, who was very sad. My dude, you fell in the barrel.

Remember what Kelly said? Don’t fall. Do we have to explain everything?

There was chick drama! I am looking forward to Malia’s revenge. Surely, she will get even after Breanna and Tia ganged up on her bestie Anastasia. Really, I’m just here for the blood feuds, both real and imagined. More blood feuds! Please can I have this one nice thing.

Episode 3! “Nama-Stay off my barrel!”

I don’t even know what this means, but I have eaten my arugula salad and I’m cuddled up in my favorite jammies. Really, I should have a loungewear sponsor for this thing. I’m so ready for more barrel and more blood feud!

Let’s go!

Oh, I’m early. The Bachelor in Paradise is still on. There is a truly beautiful beach right here. Also, some very spangly frocks with perilously low necklines. And an actual ocean. Looks so sexy!

Surfing. We must stay so focused. Eyes on the prize!

There are ten surfers left. Maybe I’ll be back, bitches! They can’t replay that line too many times. Also, thanks to the opening credits, I finally know how to spell Brianna’s name. Things are looking up already.

Sweet. An air horn!

It sounds so good. Please do that more times. Love it.

The famous guy named Jesse is making everyone wake up super early. He is very square and American. I don’t know where they found him. Maybe they created him in a lab somewhere.

Malia is not stoked and her eyes are still stuck closed. They are doing something with barrels, but not like the wave, like the thing they use to carry beer. It looks very hard and not that fun. This joke is way too obvious.

Oh look! Marvel has a super-hero movie! Coming so soon! It actually looks rad. I know even less about super hero films than I do about famous people. But this commercial makes me want to learn. My brain is a sponge for marketing, yes!

More barrels. Everyone is falling. Somehow I missed who won the men. Someone won!

Tia wins the women! She is fierce!

Still more barrels! But it is the final round, at last!

Koa and Juli are in the final. So is Tia and Alejandro! Juli does a stylish dismount. Best air, I’ve seen this whole time so far! Koa wins the whole thing! This was way less exciting than they made it sound, I feel! Juli is wearing a cute bikini from Jolyn. Would wear!

Oh, there are prizes! Juli and Koa win an e-foil! It is full Zuckerberg right now. Koa, it feels like I’m walking on water! Like a bird flying through the sky! Also a sound effect that I cannot spell, so you must imagine. Koa likes his sound effects.

Kai Barger is trying to get an extra wave off Koa. Apparently, as part of the barrel-walking challenge, Koa and Juli scored some extra waves. So now Kai wants them. He reminds Koa that they’ve known each other forever and ever! So much kissing ass right now. I do not think Koa is convinced!

Somehow, there is a woman and I’ve not noticed her until now. I am not even sure what her name is! I am a terrible Surf Journalist! I should fire myself.

With the challenge over, they are having a party now. Malia and Mason are flirting cutely and dancing. Everyone has wine. It’s very precious and the soundtrack is so wholesome.

Celebrate! I’m pretty sure this is what Surfline Man listens to when he’s trying to get laid. I see why it never really works out for him.

Everyone is friends now and it feels like a happy family! All these good vibes are totally not going to last long, I can feel it. I miss Anastasia, bitches!

Koa is making some terrible mixture in the blender. I am scared to imagine what’s in there. Kai says he is old and he danced too much last night. Everyone is training super hard. There are weights and bicycles and stuff.

Mason! I did not even know this guy existed before now. He is from Hawaii! His hair is very good! It has the perfect, beach brah, tousle! I do not know how much product this effect required. Worth it!

Barrel challenge! Mason says the barrel at Surf Ranch is very hard! So fast! He is excited to try his skills.

I am scared of Koa’s cheekbones.

Oh wait, there’s Steph! They are using Steph as an example of how to barrel. I would like to watch Steph barrel all day.

I have learned the new woman’s name. It is Bruna. I mean, she is not new! But new to me, because I am bad at paying attention to details. Bruna is super excited about the barrel. Kai is her partner and hoping he can complete his wave.

Kai barrels so good! He stays in the barrel so long! He is good at the surfing now. Bruna falls down and disappears. Everyone is very worried. I hope there is no blood. I’m not good at blood.

Very exciting commercial now! I think for a car of some kind. They are getting tacos in a new car. I like tacos. No, I do not want upcoming news stories! I want more barrel!

Where is Bruna? The suspense is so hard!

Oh, she’s fine! It was all a hoax to keep me here during the commercials. Like, I was going anywhere. Zeke is hockey-talking about how great he is. Malia is very excited to barrel, too!

Malia is not wrong to be excited! She is very good at it, in fact! Zeke did a long one, too. So much barrel for Zeke! Everyone is like, pretend happy for Zeke. Really, they hate him! He wins all the surfing, which makes them angry and frustrated.

Oh shit, Tia falls without a barrel! She was trying to slow down, but it wasn’t working. And then, she dug a rail and bye bye Tia! Alejandro falls, too.

Mason got so deep! Too deep! I do not know what happened to Brianna. Something bad, maybe!

Koa is from the North Shore and talks some shit about how good at barrel he is. Juli is so good vibes. I did not expect her to be one of my favorites! But she is. And she did a nice barrel. Not the most perfect, but not bad either! She did not fall.

Ooooh, slo-mo for Koa! Turpel is very excited. They all like Koa’s barrel. It is very deep and amazing and stuff. I am still scared of Koa’s cheekbones. They are going to haunt me forever!

Oh shit, a commercial before I learn the winners! All-American boy Jesse is just taunting me now. Galaxy flip phone! So cute. Also, I am learning there is a lot of television to watch, and I am not doing a very good job watching it!

But I want to know the winners. Hurry marketing people! Hurry up and put your products in my brain!

Zeke and Malia win again! They are winning so much here. Malia is very excited. She likes to be in the power seat. Now they get to pick who goes to the surf-off.

The surf-off part is so stressful! There are so many possibilities and conniving. Zeke loves this part the most. I love stirring the pot, he says. I like to be in control.

Koa thinks they are going to pick them! Now, they are second-guessing all the guesses. They have extra waves.

Zeke and Malia have a plan!

Malia so hates Tia. Malia picks Tia and Alejandro. They pick Kai and Bruna! Juli gives her extra wave to Bruna. Koa does not give his extra wave away! Kai is like, shocked right now. He was hoping Koa would give him a wave.

I love how the men are learning that their friends are not actually their friends when there’s $100k on the line. Shakas, bros!

I did not realize Bruna has been on the CT previously. She is from Brazil. She lost her mojo and fell off Tour. She is hoping for a second chance.

Tia is just so fired up right now! She wants to win so much! The more times she goes to the elimination round, the more fired up she becomes!

Night surfing! So drama!

Bruna did not make the take-off? Omg. Like, she tried to paddle into it, and didn’t like, make it into the wave. Everyone is shocked and dismayed. After Juli gave her an extra wave and everything! Bruna has the most pressure now.

Tia is not good at the barrel. She tries to stall, but it gets away from her. She tries to turn, but gets all stuck. And she falls down.

Bruna, her turns are nice! Her barrel, she falls!

Kai, he is also a faller!

The door is still open for Alejandro! Turpel likes his turns. Idk, it’s all surfing to me. I am having trouble keeping track of the surfing part.

Scores, they come! We finally learn who stays and who goes!

Alejandro, he lives! He has survived. He is good at throwing down in the elimination rounds and surviving. This is good and useful.

Tia, she is also back!

Zeke and Malia’s big plan has backfired. They were hoping to send Tia and Alejandro home forever. Instead, Tia and Alejandro? So fired up right now. This is going to be so ugly next time! There is so much hate brewing. I feel so much blood feud coming.

New episode already, tomorrow!

I will be back, bitches!

Paris' pretty palazzo at La Costa. | Photo: Redfin

Hotel heiress and OG reality TV/Sex tape star Paris Hilton becomes latest celebrity to join Malibu’s burgeoning VAL colony; buys $8-million “lavish and lovingly dated” beachfront palazzo!

Once home to the archest of anti-VAL surfers, Miklos Dora, the joint is now ground zero for surfing’s rebirth as the ultimate inclusive, diverse and safe divertissement.

A new belle epoch beckons for Malibu, a twenty-mile square beachfront and almost exclusively White enclave of million-and-billionaires thirty miles west of downtown Los Angeles.

Once home to the archest of anti-VAL surfers, Miklos “I am the one and only rightful king of Malibu” Dora, the pretty little town is now ground zero for surfing’s rebirth as the ultimate inclusive, diverse and safe divertissement.

The two-time academy award nominated actor and director Jonah Hill, who may or may not be referred to as a VAL, the epithet depending on how badly you want to swallow the Superbad star’s gravy, cemented his own position in the famous lineup last month when he paid nine million dollars for a house in Malibu Colony, a guarded, gated beachfront setup footsteps from point made famous by the aforementioned Dora.

And, Paris Hilton, just turned forty, is a surfing devotee, shown the ropes of the sport of Queens many years ago during a tour of LA by Bra Boy Koby Abberton.

Paris’ new joint, bought for $8.4 mill, and built in 1955, is Universal Pictures’ chairman Tom Pollock’s old place. Tom, he dead now, threw the same amount at it in 2007, proving not all real estate, even supposedly blue chip, is a sure thing investment-wise. 

Also living in the place is Paris’ boo, Carter Reum, rich kid son of late tycoon Robert Reum, although he ain’t entirely a trust-fund kid. He sold his vodka brand VEEV for bank and is worth around three-hundred mill. 

The joint is at La Costa beach, public below the high-tide line, but no direct access means if you wanna gawk at Paz, go via the Carbon gate next to Davey Geffen’s place, 22126 PCH, between the Malibu Pier at Surfrider Beach and Carbon Canyon Road. 

Here’s a taste.