"I love how the men are learning that their friends
are not actually their friends when there’s $100k on the line.
Shakas, bros!"
In this episode: There are barrels! So many
barrels.
And plotting!
Some of it succeeds, but mostly, it fails!
There is much falling, and two more surfers go home, which is
very sad.
Welcome back to the drama! More Ultimate Surfer, can you even
believe it?
It is not cancelled, at least not yet.
This gives me joy, because I so want to see how it all turns
out.
Will Anastasia, in fact, be back?
Can Bachelor contestants learn to surf?
I have so many questions. I can only hope the next episodes
answer them all.
Last week, we said good-bye to Anastasia and Luke, who was very
sad. My dude, you fell in the barrel.
Remember what Kelly said? Don’t fall. Do we have to explain
everything?
There was chick drama! I am looking forward to Malia’s revenge.
Surely, she will get even after Breanna and Tia ganged up on her
bestie Anastasia. Really, I’m just here for the blood feuds, both
real and imagined. More blood feuds! Please can I have this one
nice thing.
Episode 3! “Nama-Stay off my barrel!”
I don’t even know what this means, but I have eaten my arugula
salad and I’m cuddled up in my favorite jammies. Really, I should
have a loungewear sponsor for this thing. I’m so ready for more
barrel and more blood feud!
Let’s go!
Oh, I’m early. The Bachelor in Paradise is still on. There is a
truly beautiful beach right here. Also, some very spangly frocks
with perilously low necklines. And an actual ocean. Looks so
sexy!
Surfing. We must stay so focused. Eyes on the prize!
There are ten surfers left. Maybe I’ll be back, bitches! They
can’t replay that line too many times. Also, thanks to the opening
credits, I finally know how to spell Brianna’s name. Things are
looking up already.
Sweet. An air horn!
It sounds so good. Please do that more times. Love it.
The famous guy named Jesse is making everyone wake up super
early. He is very square and American. I don’t know where they
found him. Maybe they created him in a lab somewhere.
Malia is not stoked and her eyes are still stuck closed. They
are doing something with barrels, but not like the wave, like the
thing they use to carry beer. It looks very hard and not that fun.
This joke is way too obvious.
Oh look! Marvel has a super-hero movie! Coming so soon! It
actually looks rad. I know even less about super hero films than I
do about famous people. But this commercial makes me want to learn.
My brain is a sponge for marketing, yes!
More barrels. Everyone is falling. Somehow I missed who won the
men. Someone won!
Tia wins the women! She is fierce!
Still more barrels! But it is the final round, at last!
Koa and Juli are in the final. So is Tia and Alejandro! Juli
does a stylish dismount. Best air, I’ve seen this whole time so
far! Koa wins the whole thing! This was way less exciting than they
made it sound, I feel! Juli is wearing a cute bikini from Jolyn.
Would wear!
Oh, there are prizes! Juli and Koa win an e-foil! It is full
Zuckerberg right now. Koa, it feels like I’m walking on water! Like
a bird flying through the sky! Also a sound effect that I cannot
spell, so you must imagine. Koa likes his sound effects.
Kai Barger is trying to get an extra wave off Koa. Apparently,
as part of the barrel-walking challenge, Koa and Juli scored some
extra waves. So now Kai wants them. He reminds Koa that they’ve
known each other forever and ever! So much kissing ass right now. I
do not think Koa is convinced!
Somehow, there is a woman and I’ve not noticed her until now. I
am not even sure what her name is! I am a terrible Surf Journalist!
I should fire myself.
With the challenge over, they are having a party now. Malia and
Mason are flirting cutely and dancing. Everyone has wine. It’s very
precious and the soundtrack is so wholesome.
Celebrate! I’m pretty sure this is what Surfline Man listens to
when he’s trying to get laid. I see why it never really works out
for him.
Everyone is friends now and it feels like a happy family! All
these good vibes are totally not going to last long, I can feel it.
I miss Anastasia, bitches!
Koa is making some terrible mixture in the blender. I am scared
to imagine what’s in there. Kai says he is old and he danced too
much last night. Everyone is training super hard. There are weights
and bicycles and stuff.
Mason! I did not even know this guy existed before now. He is
from Hawaii! His hair is very good! It has the perfect, beach brah,
tousle! I do not know how much product this effect required. Worth
it!
Barrel challenge! Mason says the barrel at Surf Ranch is very
hard! So fast! He is excited to try his skills.
I am scared of Koa’s cheekbones.
Oh wait, there’s Steph! They are using Steph as an example of
how to barrel. I would like to watch Steph barrel all day.
I have learned the new woman’s name. It is Bruna. I mean, she is
not new! But new to me, because I am bad at paying attention to
details. Bruna is super excited about the barrel. Kai is her
partner and hoping he can complete his wave.
Kai barrels so good! He stays in the barrel so long! He is good
at the surfing now. Bruna falls down and disappears. Everyone is
very worried. I hope there is no blood. I’m not good at blood.
Very exciting commercial now! I think for a car of some kind.
They are getting tacos in a new car. I like tacos. No, I do not
want upcoming news stories! I want more barrel!
Where is Bruna? The suspense is so hard!
Oh, she’s fine! It was all a hoax to keep me here during the
commercials. Like, I was going anywhere. Zeke is hockey-talking
about how great he is. Malia is very excited to barrel, too!
Malia is not wrong to be excited! She is very good at it, in
fact! Zeke did a long one, too. So much barrel for Zeke! Everyone
is like, pretend happy for Zeke. Really, they hate him! He wins all
the surfing, which makes them angry and frustrated.
Oh shit, Tia falls without a barrel! She was trying to slow
down, but it wasn’t working. And then, she dug a rail and bye bye
Tia! Alejandro falls, too.
Mason got so deep! Too deep! I do not know what happened to
Brianna. Something bad, maybe!
Koa is from the North Shore and talks some shit about how good
at barrel he is. Juli is so good vibes. I did not expect her to be
one of my favorites! But she is. And she did a nice barrel. Not the
most perfect, but not bad either! She did not fall.
Ooooh, slo-mo for Koa! Turpel is very excited. They all like
Koa’s barrel. It is very deep and amazing and stuff. I am still
scared of Koa’s cheekbones. They are going to haunt me forever!
Oh shit, a commercial before I learn the winners! All-American
boy Jesse is just taunting me now. Galaxy flip phone! So cute.
Also, I am learning there is a lot of television to watch, and I am
not doing a very good job watching it!
But I want to know the winners. Hurry marketing people! Hurry up
and put your products in my brain!
Zeke and Malia win again! They are winning so much here. Malia
is very excited. She likes to be in the power seat. Now they get to
pick who goes to the surf-off.
The surf-off part is so stressful! There are so many
possibilities and conniving. Zeke loves this part the most. I love
stirring the pot, he says. I like to be in control.
Koa thinks they are going to pick them! Now, they are
second-guessing all the guesses. They have extra waves.
Zeke and Malia have a plan!
Malia so hates Tia. Malia picks Tia and Alejandro. They pick Kai
and Bruna! Juli gives her extra wave to Bruna. Koa does not give
his extra wave away! Kai is like, shocked right now. He was hoping
Koa would give him a wave.
I love how the men are learning that their friends are not
actually their friends when there’s $100k on the line. Shakas,
bros!
I did not realize Bruna has been on the CT previously. She is
from Brazil. She lost her mojo and fell off Tour. She is hoping for
a second chance.
Tia is just so fired up right now! She wants to win so much! The
more times she goes to the elimination round, the more fired up she
becomes!
Night surfing! So drama!
Bruna did not make the take-off? Omg. Like, she tried to paddle
into it, and didn’t like, make it into the wave. Everyone is
shocked and dismayed. After Juli gave her an extra wave and
everything! Bruna has the most pressure now.
Tia is not good at the barrel. She tries to stall, but it gets
away from her. She tries to turn, but gets all stuck. And she falls
down.
Bruna, her turns are nice! Her barrel, she falls!
Kai, he is also a faller!
The door is still open for Alejandro! Turpel likes his turns.
Idk, it’s all surfing to me. I am having trouble keeping track of
the surfing part.
Scores, they come! We finally learn who stays and who goes!
Alejandro, he lives! He has survived. He is good at throwing
down in the elimination rounds and surviving. This is good and
useful.
Tia, she is also back!
Zeke and Malia’s big plan has backfired. They were hoping to
send Tia and Alejandro home forever. Instead, Tia and Alejandro? So
fired up right now. This is going to be so ugly next time! There is
so much hate brewing. I feel so much blood feud coming.
New episode already, tomorrow!
I will be back, bitches!
