ISA chief Fernando Aguerre declares no intent to run Olympic qualifying rebel tour: “We plan to continue and collaborate with the WSL as we did for Tokyo.”

Heartbreak hotel.

Earlier this morning, the most wonderful rumor floated across my horizon. Namely, that the World Surf League and International Surfing Association only had a one year deal in place for the WSL to be Olympic qualifier.

As you know, the ISA and its chief Fernando Aguerre, are surfing’s official governing body and, therefore, decide which surfers go to the Olympics and how they get there.

In the caffeinated buzz of a morning still fresh with possibility, I imagined our long awaited hopes and dreams of a rebel tour run by Aguerre himself which would culminate, every four years or thereabouts, with gold, silver, bronze medals being handed out.

The best surfers in the world shifting into the ISA camp.

Santa Monica’s high castle brought low.

Repechage to the moon.

But alas, hopes and dreams both punctured just moments ago with Aguerre himself reaching out and telling me, “The ISA doesn’t have any plans to start any world tour. This is nonsense! As we did for the Tokyo Games, we are already in collaboration mode with the WSL. Our role is not to run pro tours.”

The message came via text message, as I was on a plane to Nashville, Tennessee. A town that desperately needs an ocean.

We exchanged a few more pleasantries, had a few laughs, but, in truth, my eyes were welling with hot tears.

Noa Deane’s Olympic path no longer clear or viable.


Rumor: World Surf League loses Olympic qualifier status; ISA chief Fernando Aguerre considering running a “qualifying tour” thereby wresting all surfing power unto himself!

Rebel tour time?

Strange days etc. but a quiet rumor has pinged on my radar which could change… everything. You certainly recall surfing’s grand Olympic debut, just last month, and how thrilling it was. Well, according to my source, well-placed, the World Surf League and International Surfing Association only had a one year deal for the WSL to be route to qualification and that it will not be renewed.

The ISA is, of course, the official governing body of our sport of kings.

How then will surfers get themselves to the Olympics?

Well, whispers have it that ISA chief Fernando Aguerre is floating the idea of running a paired down “tour” in order for surfers to get to Teahupo’o in 2024. Format, location, etc. to be determined.

Imagine some glorious possibilities with me here. Kelly Slater, fresh off mind expansion, unburdened by the tour loses swinging in to three qualifying events at waves he enjoys, smashes young Coffin and representing the United States of America at 50?

Noa Deane, not needing all those dull QS events, swinging for Australia?

Italo Ferreira leaving the CT in order to create an endearing YouTube show, surfing only in the ISA events?

Chris Cote behind the microphone calling glorious acts of surfing prowess?

Everything we’ve always wanted?

Our dreams of rebellion finally achieved?

If Aguerre does, in fact, create a world tour, will the World Surf League be able to exist?

Strange days indeed.


Koa is very excited to barrel with Juli. Risk it for the biscuit! Koa, so quotable. He is a 1950’s dad in disguise! I feel like this is a totally plausible explanation. Let’s just send it! Koa is so pumped up. He is a 1950’s dad with a coke habit in disguise. 

ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, episode four analysis, “Koa Smith is so pumped up. He is a 1950’s dad with a coke habit in disguise!” 

"Last night, I dreamed of Koa’s cheekbones. And not in the good way. They continued to haunt me, as I tossed and turned, sleepless."

In this episode: There is a beach challenge that sounds like bad sex.

The teams perform pairs surfing, which unlike pairs figure skating does not involve spangly outfits. This part is super disappointing.

Two more surfers exit! More chick drama lurks on the horizon.

Last night, I dreamed of Koa’s cheekbones. And not in the good way. They continued to haunt me, as I tossed and turned, sleepless.

Perhaps he will be sent home tonight, and I will no longer be sleepless. A girl can hope. 

Previously, we watched an assortment of barrel-riding. Last night’s episode included a joke that only a very square, 1950’s-era dad would have found amusing. Oh, how he would have guffawed at the barrel-riding that turned out to occur on actual barrels made from wood rather than water. 

This marked my first actual cringe moment of this Ultimate Surfer adventure. Perhaps if I were in fact the step-daughter of a landlocked, soy bean farmer I would have better appreciated this effort. 

The trailer for tonight’s edition tantalizes with pairs surfing. I do hope no one ends up with a surfboard stuck where it does not belong.

“Risk it for the biscuit.”

This is the title.

Apparently, the ‘50s dad is not going to leave us alone. He is here, and so are we.

Life is struggle, etc

Episode 4! I have chocolate, but no loungewear sponsor. I will somehow survive. 

Let’s go!

Only eight surfers left, so presumably, shit will get more real now. Also, I really miss Kelly, and I wish he would come back to us. Kelly! Kelly, please come back! Please show us all how not to fall down. Our lives are so meaningless without you! 

Zeke is doing work-outs, while Malia plays guitar. Brianna and Mason are having a heart-to-heart. Brianna feels that Mason doesn’t want it badly enough. Mason is very chill and very surf bro. I’m not sure he fits into the whole reality TV scenario. 

Oh, Turpel and the other lady are involved in the day’s Beach Battle. There was a very… weird intro. I am realizing it is a callback to Bay Watch. I momentarily forgot this show once existed. I will now forget again. Turpel and Erin are the lifeguards. It’s very cute! 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTQu9BBjO-5/

They are doing a paddle battle on tethered boards. Both team mates are on the same board. And they try to win, somehow. Winner gets extra waves. Also, an unmentioned advantage. Everyone looks intrigued. Malia looks disgruntled about the silence on the advantage part.

Zeke and Malia are going to paddle-battle Alejandro and Tia. This is so intense right now. 

I don’t understand why they don’t just like, do a paddle race. I guess this is cooler. Oh, the boards are connected. The more one team wins, the more the other team goes backward. Tricky!

This sounds like really bad sex. I do not know how I feel about this. 

Zeke and Malia beat Tia and Alejandro. 

This was perhaps a tactical error on the part of Tia and Alejandro to try to get even with their blood feud rivals.

Zeke, apparently is good at paddling. He is from Hawaii.

Apparently, they do water things there.

Who knew?

Juli is a straight-up badass. She has worked as a lifeguard. Every woman I’ve ever known who has worked as a lifeguard has been super gnarly, so this should not surprise me!

Zeke and Malia compete in the finals with Juli and Koa. It is so suspenseful! They are both so strong. No one is winning. 

Oh, commercial! The suspense is the worst. I might die here. 

It is supposed to be tug of war on water! I did not get this at first. I guess I am too dumb for this show. Maybe the 1950s dad can come over here and explain it all to me. I’m sure he likes explaining things. 

Zeke: We win or we die! Zeke and Malia finally win a Beach Challenge. 

Zeke and Malia win stand-up paddle boards. I just laughed so loud! Best moment yet in this whole thing. They pretend to be happy and Zeke says something about being from a family who loves the ocean and stuff. 

The additional advantage! Zeke and Malia get to mix up one of the other teams. They swap Mason for Alejandro. The chemistry will be so different! 

KELLY VISION! 

I am so excited to see Kelly back on the holographic television. They are doing a cross-over challenge! Team surfing. It’s going to be so rad to see two people on the wave at a time. I can hardly wait. 

Don’t surf your favorite board! This is good advice, I feel.

Malia is stoked, because she has surfed Lowers her whole life with her dad. She knows all about the cross-over. She and Zeke are confident. We got this, they think! Perhaps they are right. We will find out!

Each team has a little white board. They are making diagrams! This is so American football. X’s and O’s, baby!

Mason does not want to barrel together. It is way too sketch! 

But, Koa is very excited to barrel with Juli. Risk it for the biscuit! Koa, so quotable. He is a 1950’s dad in disguise! I feel like this is a totally plausible explanation. Let’s just send it! Koa is so pumped up. He is a 1950’s dad with a coke habit in disguise. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTPlXG3tCKu/

Many much commercials for pharmaceutical products. There are a lot of the drugs in the world, and they do things, is what I’m learning. I did not expect so much learning to happen during Ultimate Surfer! It is a good surprise, maybe. 

Half way! Ominous music! 

Juli is not that confident, because she has never done double-surfing before! She believes in Koa. It will be interesting! 

Wave challenge time! 

It’s like ice dancing, but surfing! I wish there was more spangly costumes for this part. We could use some spangles, I feel. 

Turpel is explaining the cross-over. The only time I have maybe liked this kind of thing was when Steph and Rasto did it in Proximity. But I feel like even Steph could not make this kind of thing cool. 

Mason is worried. It is very fast! And so close together!

But so far, they look alright. They get a six or something. 

Zeke and Malia! They have an extra wave. Their first wave wasn’t anything special. Perhaps the next one will be better! Zeke did chop hops and stuff. So many cross-overs! The second wave went so much better. They’re learning here, just like me. 

Brianna and Alejandro are up next. They want to win so much! Turpel thinks that if they barrel together, they can win! 

Oh shit, commercial in the middle of the wave! Something exciting happened, but we don’t get to see it yet. Waiting is so hard. I think I need more chocolate. Or something. 

Oh Brianna and Alejandro are dancing! They are very cute. Alejandro got barreled, but not Brianna. So sad for Brianna! Omg, they got an 8.17! So high! 

If they do wipe out together, that would be very dangerous, says Turpel. 

Koa and Juli want to barrel together! Koa is very deep. Juli, not in the barrel. 

Inside of the womb of mother ocean! Turpel is so on form tonight.

Brianna and Alejandro win! They get to pick the teams going to the elimination round. This is going to be so heated. 

Alejandro is super happy to win! 

Zeke wants to surf the elimination round because he likes surfing. He taunts the winning team, and tells them to pick him.

Mason is nervous! 

Brianna and Tia are besties, so they can’t choose Brianna and Mason! They want to get rid of Malia. Or maybe Juli and Koa. The choices are so hard to make and so nerve-wracking. I am nervous too, here at home with my chocolate. 

It’s so tense now. 

I have never seen an ad for Haribo on US television, there is a first for everything! 

Koa and Juli, to the surf off! They choose Tia and Mason. 

Tia is very fired up! She wants to win, she has done the surf off so many times now. She is super confident. 

Koa has a magic board. He is excited. His board is excited. I am going to make out with my board, if I win this one. I hope we get to see that moment, actually. Why the hell not? 

Surf-off is just like, surfing. Overall performance!

Who will survive? 

You have one chance. What are you going to do with it? 

I did not come all this way, just to go home again, say Tia. 

She has style and control, says Turpel. Tia made the barrel, this time! She is getting better at the Surf Ranch. I’m surprised she’s not on Tour yet, says someone, I don’t know who.

Do you expect me to know everything? No, no you do not. 

Juli is up now. Less style, plenty of power. Juli has a nice, deep barrel. Who will win? 

Local news break! Also, Olive Garden sells much pasta with cheese, I see. And more drugs to buy for whatever ails us. They all have truly demented names, is a thing I’ve noticed. 

Koa and Mason are up! 

It is their first time in the elimination round. Mason looks so surf bro. I think his hair should have its own Instagram account. Koa’s cheekbones also need an Instagram account, so you can be haunted, too. 

Koa tries to blow the tail and falls. Mason, he has a chance! 

Oh, well, he did have a chance. He got sucked over the falls in the barrel. This is very sad, because I wanted Mason to win! 

But I fear it is more Koa Cheekbones for me! 

The last teams are hoping they get second. Zeke, he is so cocky, and I don’t hate it as much as I should. 

Koa Cheekbones is back! He wins the surf-off and we get to see more Koa. I am so excited, really, I am so excited. 

Malia, she wants Juli back! But she gets Tia, who is so good at the surf-offs. She has eliminated three women so far. 

Bye Juli! I did like Juli. Bye Mason!

I only learn now that he is gone, that Mason likes big-wave surfing. He is very excited to chase some 60-foot waves next winter. That seems way more cool than reality television, but maybe my judgement isn’t the best in these things. Perhaps this is why he does not fit into the picture especially well. Anyway, he goes home now! Bye! 

Six left! 

Malia feels so sad and left out, because Brianna and Tia are besties. It’s time to get serious, she says. 

More chick drama next time seems inevitable! This is so my favorite part, I can’t even wait to see what happens. 

Next week! More Surfing! More drama!

You know the rest, bitches!


Inspirational surfer Bethany Hamilton decries new Hawaii restrictions demanding customers must show proof of vaccination, negative COVID test, in order to enter bars, restaurants, gyms: “For goodness sakes people do some decent research.”

Duck Duck Go(ose).

Strange days etc. The end of them etc. what with The Ultimate Surfer still airing, the United States now officially out of Afghanistan, Covid-19 variants headed out on a world tour re-shuttering, re-cloistering, winding the clock back to 2020.

Just yesterday, New Zealand used the virus to become the very first sovereign nation to outlaw vulnerable adult learner surfers.

Today, Hawaii, just across the Pacific, is demanding that customers of bars, restaurants, gyms etc. show either proof of vaccination or negative Covid test in order to enter.

Per the report:

Beginning Sept. 13, customers wishing to enter Oahu restaurants, bars, gyms and other establishments will need to show proof of vaccination or a negative COVID test.

The city’s Safe Access Oahu program will remain in effect for 60 days.

And the rules will be mandatory for all businesses covered by a new emergency order.

Honolulu Mayor Rick Blangiardi announced the program Monday amid an alarming surge in new COVID cases in Hawaii that’s threatening to overwhelm Hawaii’s health care system.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTN478eLopQ/

Inspirational surfer Bethany Hamilton, not pleased, took to Instagram to declare:

“Just a “60 day period”

“Just 2 weeks to flatten the curve”

Look at Israel… 90% vaccinated. Is the V working for them?!

For goodness sakes people do some decent research.

And please do it on duck duck go app.

Whoa!

How much do you imagine the duck duck go app pays for such fine promotion?

Also, shouldn’t Hawaii ban VALs too while they’re at it?

Are you excited for 2021?

Impossible not to be.


World’s 5th richest man Mark Zuckerberg caught enjoying e-foil life with mystery woman off his 1300 acre Kauai plot; accused of “colonizing the island!”

The Age of Zuckerberg.

The Ultimate Surfer is still on the air, or so it would appear, and that is much good news for winner Zeke Lau and, I would imagine, World Surf League CEO Erik Logan. Lau’s victory, gifting him three wild card slots into next year’s Championship Tour, will be deserved but, as the northern hemisphere’s summer winds to a close, I believe a true The Ultimate Surfer has risen.

Mark Zuckerberg.

The Facebook CEO and world’s fifth richest man was caught, for the fifth time in mere weeks, participating in our favorite surf-adjacent activity, e-foiling, this time with a “mystery gal pal.”

Page Six reported that, “He was dressed casually in black swim trunks, Adidas flip-flops, a gray pullover sweatshirt and mirrored sunglasses.” Also, “His beach outing apparently took place near his $100 million luxury estate, which he shares with his wife, Priscilla Chan. The couple own more than 1,300 acres on Kauai and have been accused of trying to ‘colonize’ the island.”

Which raises a very important question. How many acres are required to stretch “1%er” to “colonizer?”

Also, what will Kauai’s Age of Zuckerberg look like? What will be its defining characteristics? Will he rule Da People benevolently or force them into click farms where they will toil without joy?

Will the Wolfpak rise again?

Many important questions, I suppose.