Wild footage: Man Arrested After Allegedly Sending Truck Through Maui Surf Shop and abandoning whip in ditch! “There was SPF 50 shot out of tubes like a bottle rocket on the 4th of July!”

“Our whole wetsuit section was destroyed (over 400 units). We found out that neoprene melts when a truck burns rubber on the suits."

Kekoa Kinimaka, 20, is in police custody after allegedly driving his truck straight through the shop, back to front.

While the motive is still unclear, the damage is striking.

Surveillance video shows a black truck, carrying a couple of surfboards, plowing through the store then reversing before ripping through the merchandise again.

Hi-Tech Surf Sports’ back door, front window, and merchandise were destroyed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CSgIxTHjxQ9/

Whada mess.

Owner Kim Ball described the ruins,

“Our sunscreen and GoPro displays went for a ride. There was SPF 50 shot out of tubes like a bottle rocket on the 4th of July. Sunscreen cleared the Olukai and Reef racks and hit surfboards on the other side of the store.”

According to Maui Now, assistant manager Tyler Abbott was alone in the shop at approximately 4:30 p.m. sitting at the cash wrap station, when he heard the “screeching of tires,” which he said is not particularly unusual for that intersection.

The employee reportedly stood up to see what was happening, when he “heard a loud pop,” saw “glass fly everywhere,” and observed the taillights of a truck within the store.

Ball reports that Abbott narrowly missed a bruising and is said “to be slowly recovering from the emotional trauma of nearly being run over.”

(This might sound callous, but most of us would pay money for a front row seat to witness such a bull-in-china shop romp, no?)

Ball has, however, found some levity in the situation.

“Our whole wetsuit section was destroyed (over 400 units). We found out that neoprene melts when a truck burns rubber on the suits.”

Police discovered the truck on nearby Auhana Road and arrested Kinimaka shortly after.

Bail was originally set at a hundred K but has been since reduced by half.

Fitting bail?

And what about sentencing?


Australia’s reputation as bold and fearless receives shot in arm as surfer allows venomous sea snake onto his board: “This time of year they become very active, sexually frustrated and potentially aggressive!”

That's not a sea snake. This is a sea snake.

Australia, my second home, my self-identified nationality, has been battered and bruised under crushing new pandemic lockdown measures. Punished. Once bold Australians allowed outside of homes or apartments for only one hour of exercise a day. Restaurants, bars, gyms shuttered. No travel, no socializing. All concentration paid to staying safe.

Oh this flies very much against the Lucky Country’s devil-may-care reputation.

Sydney was founded, did you know, when a ship carrying convicts and a ship carrying prostitutes crashed on its fatal shore. Instead of building stick forts and quarantining, the two groups had an orgy.

Crocodile Dundee is Australian.

Steve Irwin forever too.

And now, when needed most, a new savior has appeared.

Brodie Moss, a YouTuber maybe, recently filmed a venomous sea snake crawl upon his standup paddle board, posting the clip to Instagram and writing:

Sea snakes normally avoid humans but this time of year they become very active, sexually frustrated and potentially aggressive as they search for a mate like this old fella who appeared from the ocean floor and followed me around on my paddle board before disappearing.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTN1190hwQZ/

Barstool Sports was one of many U.S. outlets that could not believe the brazen, writing Australians Fear Absolutely Nothing: Surfer Let’s A Horny And Venomous Sea Snake Slither Onto His Surfboard.

The author, while wrong about the craft being a surfboard, was correctly amazed, recounted Moss’s story then added, “Australians are a different breed. In 2019, I got the chance to end down under and had the time of my life. Aussies are probably my favorite people on planet Earth, but they’ll never cease to amaze me with their attitude of being one with nature.”

A shot in the arm indeed.


A Relapsed Gambler’s Guide To The WSL Finals Day, “No chance Gabriel Medina’s letting a third title go begging. Put my house on it.”

"I don’t believe there’s a finer competitive surfer in history than Gabriel Medina."

All it took was a line from a Chas Smith pixel filler, “Who is your money on, by the way?”

Honestly, I hadn’t even realised the finals were so soon.

Sometimes life is like that.

Everything’s going swimmingly, there’s money in the bank, food on the table, smiles in the bedroom…

Then crack, there it is. A splintered mess of a front door with a big fuckoff wolf’s head poking through it.

Oh well. Here we go again.

So here’s the brief…

Some of you will know me by now, though I’ve been away for some time. Here’s a reminder of my personal bents, should you decide to follow any advice.

I bet largely with the heart rather than the head. Call me masochistic. Of course I know better, and statistically I’m a failure. But I like higher highs and deeper lows. I like to really feeeeeeel.

I don’t believe there’s a finer competitive surfer in history than Gabriel Medina.

Despite these facts, I like some long shots. There’s always the chance you might hit the big one and convince yourself enough’s enough.

I’m still waiting.

So, the players.

Gabriel Medina

What is there left to say? Medina is a favourite anywhere in the world. You’re a bold man to bet against him, though of course we’re at Trestles. It’s akin to moving the Masters from Augusta to a nine-hole par three course.

But Gabby is Gabby, and even if Charlie’s not there perforating eardums, he’s still got Andy King.

He seems to be lacking a little mojo overall this year, but he’s likely keeping his powder dry. He seems a little more mellow than we’re used to and is likely dipping his wick between heats, and who could blame him?

But peel back a layer and there’s a vicious competitive beast underneath, laced through to the core like a stick of rock.

We’ll see the real Medina at Trestles.

No chance he’s letting a third title go begging. Put my house on it.

Italo Ferreira

I love Italo, but from a gambling perspective I’m still smarting from money lost in the early days when he wasn’t so in vogue. I was on his bandwagon early. I could see that he had the most electrifying backhand in the game and the potential to thrill from day one.

And my, how I pulled for him!

The bookies, of course, were slower to catch on, so Italo’s odds were just delicious. However, as is the way with pro surfing and shit judging, he was often underscored.

I could give you specific examples and figures, but honestly it’s too painful.

A couple of vague biggish ones spring out – a 22k accumulator payout scuppered by a heat loss to Ace bloody Buchan somewhere along the way. (Maybe Kolohe? I can’t remember). Eleven thousand missed at the first Surf Ranch event on one underscored left. And a whole fucking whack of cash gone at Bells in 2019 when he got that interference on Jordy.

Suffice to say, I’ve been through the mill with Italo, and as soon as I stopped making him the fulcrum of all my bets he started winning everything.

So I can’t go back, because you know what’ll happen.

Heart over head.

Filipe Toledo

Who doesn’t find Filipe’s surfing completely CHOKE electrifying when he’s on CHOKE point?

Trestles is not only custom designed CHOKE for his CHOKE surfing, but it’s virtually his CHOKE local spot, despite what the local groms think when they CHOKE send him in.

He could CHOKE win the whole thing, there’s no doubt about CHOKE that, but not for my money.

CHOKE, CHOKE. CHOKE, CHOKE.

CHOKE.

Conner Coffin

I’ve got a wee soft spot for Conner. Not only was he most gracious with his time when I peppered him with questions for something I was writing, but I love a natural footer raised on a right point. His aesthetic appeals to me.

His surfing I mean, not his lesbian chic haircut.

He won’t win, of course, not at Trestles.

However there’s one conditional I will add.

A slim chance that’s worth throwing some money Conner’s way.

A ghost of a rumour that could swing everything his way.

A glimmer of a shadow of a tantilising possibility that he could blow the doors off our perception when it comes to riding waves.

I am of course referring to THE TURN.

As prophesied (nay promised!) by Brad Gerlach somewhere along the way, Conner Coffin has in his locker a TURN the likes of which we’ve never seen. A TURN to spin the world on its axis. The ki to unlocking multiple world titles…

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

Come on, Conner. Do it for us!

THE TURN!

Morgan Ciblic

I’ll confess to being a bit in the dark with Morgs, such is my recent casting off of all things pro surfing and associated bankruptcy. I haven’t seen him surf that much.

However…I’m presuming he’s a massive underdog, in which case his odds are going to be TASTY, and in which case he’s probably MY NEW FAVOURITE SURFER! A classic heart bet with payout to match.

Plus, he’s Australian, and that’s alright with me. He’ll be getting a slice of my wife and kid’s future for sure.

So that’s that. I guess I’m back.

Fuck it, you are who you are.


Happy Australian Father’s Day weekend to BeachGrit dads from the greatest player on the greatest team of the greatest game in sporting history!

Nothing but the best, for you.

We here, we are surfers from countries strewn all across this marvelous globe. Scotland to South Africa, France to Free Taiwan, Norway to Guinea both New and Old. We are not all men, Jen See is here, and we are not all fathers, Jonah Hill is here too, but we are mostly men and mostly fathers and in two short days Australian men are celebrated for being such.

Now, since BeachGrit is based in Australia, and since we are here, it is our duty to be celebrated too. Thus, I went out and recruited the greatest sportsman from the greatest team from the greatest sport in history, currently alive and waltzing this marvelous globe, to share his heartfelt congratulations to us all, to BeachGrit readers.

Who?

Collingwood Football Club’s Dane Swan of course.

Nothing beats Australian Rules Football, not soccer, basketball, cricket or ruby. Certainly not surfing which is not even a sport at all. No, footy is inarguably the best with its bouncing and its tackling and its guernseys. Collingwood is its best with its magpies and its “aggressive, unruly, profane” reputation and its rat pack. And Dane Swan is its best with his trophies and his tattoos and his leading that rat pack to glorious victory.

Nothing but the best of the best of the best for BeachGrit father-readers.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTVGl-FD9tS/

And you are very welcome, but if you are not satisfied with Dane Swan, and my Father’s Day gift, you can sort one out on your own, ungrateful bastard, using the brand-new personalized video messaging application memmo.me.

Ross Clarke-Jones is available.


Heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne Jonah Hill reveals he nearly drowned while swimming “blackout drunk” with Channing Tatum at Bondi Beach in eerie echo of famous scene from pair’s comedy-sequel masterpiece 22 Jump Street!

"I start to swim as hard as I can and I'm not going anywhere and so I'm like, 'This is how I die...'"

The comedy superstar Jonah Hill, more famous, recently, for his ascension to the throne of King of Malibu, has revealed he nearly drowned at Bondi Beach while on a promo tour for 21 Jump Street in Australia. 

Hill, now thirty-seven, had to be rescued by the beach’s famous lifeguards after diving “blackout drunk” into one of the beach’s notorious rip-tides, the event captured in a series of dramatic photographs, which you can examine here. 

Speaking to late-night talkshow host Conan O’Brien, Hill said, 

“We got off the plane and immediately we’re like, ‘Let’s go swimming!’ and so we go to Bondi Beach… and there’s such a bad riptide there that dumb tourists get off the plane and go swimming and drown, and get rescued.

“We go in the ocean and I start swimming and then what feels like a second later I look back and Chan’s (Tatum) about a mile away from me … He’s, like, by the beach taking pictures with people and I’m literally, like, head bobbing out, like, ‘What’s going on? Where am I?’

“I start to swim as hard as I can and I’m not going anywhere and so I’m like, ‘This is how I die…’ I am a guy who died in the ocean in Australia … wasted.

“Finally a guy comes out on a jet-ski and he’s like, ‘Hey mate, we gotta pull you in; you can die out here!’ He kinda pulls me in and then I start swimming and what’s crazy is there was paparazzi on the beach. Rarely in life do you tell a story that sounds ridiculous and there’s a picture that’s even more ridiculous than the actual story.

“We’re there for a week doing press and I open the newspaper and on the front page was, ‘Jonah Hill, actor, almost drowns’ and that picture is on the cover for all of Australia to see. Every interview we did started off with, ‘Heard you went for a swim yesterday… Somebody needs to get some floaties’.”

Two years later, Tatum and Hill would reprise the near-fatal event in the sequel to 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, with Tatum pulling his co-star from the surf in Puerto Rico.