Gluttonous.
The World Surf League will not want to read this, though it will, and you will not want to either but the trigger warning rests in the title. I am sick man, spiteful man, diseased liver, possibly, etc. And yes, I am currently at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch feasting on ill-deserved waves.
The amount of industrial farm dairy manure I’ve tossed Lemoore’s way has been Hall of Fame worthy. The number of cow pies lobbed from Cardiff-by-the-Sea nearing number of pitches thrown by the great Nolan Ryan through his 27-year career though I haven’t been all wrong.
As a venue for Championship Tour events, it is terrible.
Unwatchable.
As a wave to surf, it is fun and the surf journalists who surfed, here, far better than me some three-years-ago can all attest except for Nick Carroll who was forced into a party wave situation by the great Vaughn Blakey.
But as a learning canvas, it is… perfection.
Kelly Slater, Adam Fincham’s brainchild showcases every single flaw in ones game, every kink, every joint right out of place but, when feasting, ramming wave after wave after wave down gullet, those can be ironed out one at a time. Arm first, head second, legs sometime after sensible, organic lunch.
Surf Ranch, you see, now videos every single wave and they are available for review directly.
Brooke, brilliant surf team supervisor, with nose for hard truths and easy explanations, walked me through the turns, opening shoulders, double hand dragging barrel to square etc. and I’ve known these truisms all my surfing years but have never actually tried to do anything about these fault in my stars. Who has the time for that sort of nonsense in the ocean, where good waves are actually more precious than all of the Instagram followers in the world, especially when the spectre of a full blown, lifelong acceptance, love even, of intermediacy has taken root in our culture?
Not me.
Until yesterday.
And today.
A gluttonous, unjustified bacchanal just gorging on wave after wave after wave with wife, friends, Surf Ranchers, but it would be even more spiteful to leave it on the table, no? More sick and unattractive to continue top turning with both arms out front, shoulders closed and head looking wrong, yes?
More as the story develops.
Unreadable. Stick to surfing and leave the gonzo journalism to Hunter S. Thompson.
Peter Garret called, he wants his moves back.
I think not growing up in the era of air reverse etc. long limbed surfers suffer from having feet too close together. Watching a skater with long limbs who has good style and body mechanics only makes me wonder if going above the coping helped them sort it out? (foot note: although I’ve been complimented for having good style I personally feel I suffer from this.)
What in Gods name are you blubbering on about?! I actually feel less intelligent after reading this…the most pointless article on the internet today. Nobody cares that you’re at the ranch, pfffftttt….
I find it offensive that you read the article so fast, so as to miss the deeper meaning he is conveying.
WAIT, WHAT? Was G hiding a Whoop strap and a gun?
That’s not very much spray coming off the top of that wave.
Do they heat the water to 78 degrees as that is my preferred temp? And what about Lattes after each session?
Ronnie G would kill to have a Whoop number
So Kelly bought you off, interesting…
Well put.
I can’t believe ya didn’t take any of California’s most prolific BG commenters with ya
Fuckin’ dick move I reckon…
Makes you wonder if Chas was the type of kid who had coolest toys on the block but wouldn’t let you play with them.
Chas, as much fun you think your having your just a confirmed rich VAL.
Cattle country was a story five years ago.
Try and keep up old man.
It’s a youth sport your pretend to write about
Y’all need to stop riding Slater like the wave you’d wish you’d caught.
This comment had me rolling
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
I think the full psychological implications of these fake waves are going to take months, possibly years to decipher.
Maybe Chas will fall asleep tonight dreaming about a wave tank, instead of the Ocean, and maybe the Ocean will never look the same to him or have that same appeal anymore.
Me thinks so.
“The magic for perfection”, one big problem though, you have to keep paying and paying and paying for the perfection, while the magic was free.
PS
it seems Chas is now a ‘team rider’ for Dirk Ziff and also a Slater ‘Devotee’.
There’s a scene in The Godfather, where they ask if some dude could be ‘bought’.
In other words, pay him to play along.
It seems some people can be ‘bought’,
whether they are paid in money, or waves.
Perhaps so, but who cares?
As Raffles the Amateur Cracksman once wisely stated:
“Money lost, little lost.
Honor lost, much lost.
Pluck lost, all lost.”
“Social credit score” has even less value than money.
Now we see from where your inspiration for SM originates.
Really? Another solution occurs to me: both middle fingers in the air. One for the woke, the other for the PC.
Im totally PC
Pissed Cunt.
I wonder what a circa 1950 Rabbit Kekai would look like on Kelly’s wave?
Mate, this go neck yourself talk is pretty gross and concerning.