The Ultimate Surfer runner-up Koa Smith
goes on scorched earth campaign to win World Surf League wildcards
recently vacated by Hawaii’s Zeke Lau! “Let’s storm WSL!”
By Chas Smith
"LFG. Let’s foxing go. This would be a dream come
true. Oh my gosh."
Oh but The Ultimate Surfer is a gift that certainly
keeps on giving. Most recently, winner on the men’s side Hawaiian
Zeke Lau has officially qualified for the 2022 World Surf League
Championship Tour with a fair finish at the just-wrapped
Quiksilver Pro, France.
Many bravos but you will certainly recall that the present for
becoming The Ultimate Surfer was three wildcards into the
aforementioned tour.
The selfsame Lau no longer needs.
Though what to do with them?
The Ultimate Surfer runner-up, or Penultimate Surfer, Koa Smith
has decided, by right, that they belong to him and is going on a
scorched earth campaign in order to take and hold.
In an attempt to shame Santa Monica’s WSL into submission, the
blonde Hawaiian took to Instagram and declared, “Ok Zeke
requalified for the Championship Tour. That means his Ultimate
Surfer wildcards are just floating in the air, up for grabs. Should
I get them as runner-up to The Ultimate Surfer? If you think so,
repost this story and @ the WSL. LFG. Let’s foxing go. This would
be a dream come true. Oh my gosh. Let’s storm WSL.”
A potent mix of common sense, shame and heartfelt-ness.
Burning the potential competition to the ground.
Smith has 261,000 followers on Instagram, a fine amount, and no
doubt they are doing their very best to help him reach his dream
but I think Alejandro Moreda should be gifted one. He only has
14,000 followers but is a wonderful boy.
Surf Journalist realizes road to greatness
filled with many kinks, unexpected bends, takes role of iconic
“Mother Ginger” in famed Nutcracker ballet in order to push fitness
goals to heretofore never-imagined levels!
By Chas Smith
All the world's a stage.
It was a mere three weeks ago I made the
uncomfortable realization that I had fallen into a morass of mental, physical
inertia and purposed to fight toward greatness once
again. The impetus? Watching my young daughter toil under the heavy
yoke of classical ballet, the greatest artform ever gifted our
undeserving world.
Tendu, arabesque, rombe de jambe, pirouette.
Unlike our surfing, there’s no “almost good enough” in
ballet.
No “close.”
Ain’t horseshoes nor hand grenades in the greatest artform ever
gifted us from Italy, France, Russia.
Every sinew is either properly aligned or else it is properly
not and if it is properly not then angry barks rain down from
unrelenting masters.
Perfection demanded.
I watched her grit, felt my deep shame, purposed to knock
Ashton Goggans
out in the greatest trilogy fight of the decade but a funny thing
happened on the way to the octagon.
Originally choreographed by the legendary Marius Ivanovich
Petipa and scored by the even more legendary Pyotr Ilyich
Tchaikovsky, The Nutcracker has become one of the most iconic
ballets ever.
And there I was, taking young daughter to days’ long rehearsals,
endless classes, watching her reach levels of talent that I had
never even sniffed when the call came in.
“Would you be Mother Ginger?”
For the boorish, uninformed, Mother Ginger is a pivotal
character in The Nutcracker. She shuffles on stage, garishly, in
the second act during the “Land of Sweets” arrangement. She is pure
divertissement, enjoyable diversion, entering stage with a host of
Bon Bons, or tiny dancers, under the broad folds of her skirt whom
emerge, dance, get scolded, slide back under her dress while she
shuffles off to rapturous burst of applause.
Historically, Mother Ginger has been played by a tall man in
drag as it takes a tall man to support the skirt folds necessary to
hide many Bon Bons, and it was my destiny to be this tall man… in
drag.
Sensing the important kink in my road to greatness, I accepted
at once showing up to my first rehearsal with ever-present WHOOP strap
affixed, twenty-odd Bon Bons scrambling, giggling,
choreographer exhausted, me, in skeleton of broad skirt, trying not
to step on them, trying to vamp appropriately.
Artistically.
Perfectly.
In my premier, and much-loved, WHOOP
missive telegraphing that pivot to greatness, the
august Travis Edgar suggested, “Maybe just do ballet with the kid”
instead of training to fight.
He had no idea how stressful, how taxing, how completely
impossible the whole business is.
Sweating.
I was sweating profusely whilst trying not to step on Bon Bons
whilst attempting to remember my choreography whilst waving my
arms, garishly, fabulously, whilst hoisting my skirt skeleton.
A fitness bonanza.
My WHOOP measured
a heretofore record 9.8 of strain.
I was just also cast as “Party Dad” in the equally iconic Party
Scene.
Strain numbers through the roof.
Gogganses running for the hills.
Black dance shoes ordered.
More as the story develops.
Ticket information forthcoming.
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Rumour: Vans and Quiksilver in wild legal
war over use of checkers on Quik’s “The Original” surf trunks!
By Derek Rielly
Spicoli vs Wright!
Rumour to hand via the miracle of inside sources is that
Vans has taken the legal sword to Quiksilver for that company’s
re-release of their trunks, The Original, which feature a
checkered stripe running down each femur.
Sorta ‘cause even though they told ‘em checkers “do not function
as a trademark to indicate the source of applicant’s clothing” the
USPTO granted ‘em the registration to use it on “apparel, namely,
bottoms.”
Ten days after that, Nike, a company with a thousand times more
legal heft that Vans, said hell no, arguing that since the eighties
it “has sold and continues to sell” apparel products that include
“checkerboard patterns of various sizes, shapes, and colors placed
in various locations on shirts and pants, such as the front, side,
back, and inside thereof.”
Anyway, our Quiksilver source, hunkered over their (note use of
pronoun) machine in Huntington Beach there, ears popping, says Vans
came after ‘em, hard, following The Originals campaign.
Tried to take ‘em to court but lost ‘cause Quiksilver has been
running that same print for forty years.
And, says our source, allegedly, Vans told ‘em they will not
sponsor any Quiksilver surfer with shoes and that Quik can’t use
any Vans products in shoots or marketing.
Good to see a lil fire between companies now that Quik and
Billabong, once the most vicious of enemies, sit cheek by jowl in
the same Huntington Beach office, same masters etc.
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In entirely unexpected twist at inaugural
Surf Park Awards, quaint Lemoore, California comes within striking
distance of besting Melbourne, Australia as “most appealing” place
to experience artificial waves!
By Chas Smith
Much surprise.
Aftershocks are still reverberating through the
surf community after last night’s earthquake (feat. Chris Cote) at
the inaugural Surf Park Central Surf Park Awards. Recap here, but
for those short on time/attempting to preserve remaining brain
cells, the shocker occurred when Spain’s Wavegarden snatched “Most
Appealing Wave Technology” from the grasp of Kelly Slater’s Surf
Ranch.
Audible gasps and shocked sighs filled the lushly wood paneled
public library community room somewhere in San Diego.
Surf Lakes, Yeppoon clutching a bespoke monogrammed Occy clutch
to breast. Waco, Texas taking the stage unexpectedly, standing
there in front of Wavegarden saying, “Yo, Wavegarden. I’m really
happy for you, Ima let you finish, but Kelly Slater made one of the
best waves of all time. One of the best waves of all time.”
Wildness.
So much wildness that, as reported
earlier, URBNSurf, Australia there just off
Melbourne’s International Airport, almost didn’t hear its winning
of “Most Appealing Surf Park Destination.”
Melbourne, a world-class city, would have been completely
confident going against Yeppoon, Waco, Spain, Lemoore ahead of the
awards but, as a surf journalist, I would like to call for a
recount on the votes.
Berlin was on the list.
And so was Lemoore.
Surprising at it may seem, I have been to Melbourne’s Crowne
casino and I have been to Lemoore’s Tachi Palace.
Sorta potato, potato there.
Much closer than it would otherwise appear.
Melbourne has superior fussy cuisine, Lemoore a superior
Applebee’s Bar + Grill.
Potato, potato?
Where would you rather vacation?
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Public shocked, flabbergasted as Kelly
Slater’s Surf Ranch wins “Most Popular Surf Park for
High-Performance Surfing” but loses “Most Appealing Wave
Technology” to Wavegarden at inaugural Surf Park Awards!
By Chas Smith
"Ima let you finish..."
Audible gasps, shocked sighs, filled the lushly
wood paneled public library community room hosting the first-ever
Surf Park Central Surf Park Awards, last evening, when the
penultimate satin envelope, containing the winner of the coveted
“Most Appealing Wave Technology” award, was opened.
Up until that point, there had been few surprises as master of
ceremony Chris Cote, nattily dressed in a short-sleeved Hawaiian
print button-up buttoned all the way up, announced the results of a
global consumer opinion survey which had garnered over 2,000
votes.
Most popular surf park for beginners and intermediates:
URBNSurf, Australia.
Most appealing deep water standing wave technology: City Wave,
Germany.
Most appealing amenities: URBNSurf, Australia.
Most popular surf park for high-performance surfing: WSL Surf
Ranch, US.
Kelly Slater’s brainchild, crowning California’s industrial
farming Central Valley, has experienced somewhat of a renaissance
of late, what with erstwhile grouchy surf journalists being won
over by its charm, and Team Surf Ranch confidently, yet graciously,
accepted the honor only smirking ever so slightly toward Team Surf
Lakes Yeppoon.
Cote then began another patented charming spiel before segueing
into “…and the winner of the most appealing wave technology
is…”
Team Surf Ranch readied itself to stand and make its way up
front, gingerly fingering the acceptance speech it had written last
night.
“… Wavegarden, Spain.”
Audible gasps.
Shocked sighs.
Such commotion that URBNSurf, Australia also taking “Most
Appealing Surf Park Destination” went almost unheard, Melbourne
quietly happy not to have lost to Lemoore.
But Wavegarden taking out Surf Ranch for “most appealing wave
technology”… what do you think about that?
Which would you rather dance upon?
Watch the drama unfold here.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros