"LFG. Let’s foxing go. This would be a dream come true. Oh my gosh."
Oh but The Ultimate Surfer is a gift that certainly keeps on giving. Most recently, winner on the men’s side Hawaiian Zeke Lau has officially qualified for the 2022 World Surf League Championship Tour with a fair finish at the just-wrapped Quiksilver Pro, France.
Many bravos but you will certainly recall that the present for becoming The Ultimate Surfer was three wildcards into the aforementioned tour.
The selfsame Lau no longer needs.
Though what to do with them?
The Ultimate Surfer runner-up, or Penultimate Surfer, Koa Smith has decided, by right, that they belong to him and is going on a scorched earth campaign in order to take and hold.
In an attempt to shame Santa Monica’s WSL into submission, the blonde Hawaiian took to Instagram and declared, “Ok Zeke requalified for the Championship Tour. That means his Ultimate Surfer wildcards are just floating in the air, up for grabs. Should I get them as runner-up to The Ultimate Surfer? If you think so, repost this story and @ the WSL. LFG. Let’s foxing go. This would be a dream come true. Oh my gosh. Let’s storm WSL.”
A potent mix of common sense, shame and heartfelt-ness.
Burning the potential competition to the ground.
Smith has 261,000 followers on Instagram, a fine amount, and no doubt they are doing their very best to help him reach his dream but I think Alejandro Moreda should be gifted one. He only has 14,000 followers but is a wonderful boy.
Surf Journalist realizes road to greatness filled with many kinks, unexpected bends, takes role of iconic “Mother Ginger” in famed Nutcracker ballet in order to push fitness goals to heretofore never-imagined levels!
It was a mere three weeks ago I made the uncomfortable realization that I had fallen into a morass of mental, physical inertia and purposed to fight toward greatness once again. The impetus? Watching my young daughter toil under the heavy yoke of classical ballet, the greatest artform ever gifted our undeserving world.
Tendu, arabesque, rombe de jambe, pirouette.
Unlike our surfing, there’s no “almost good enough” in ballet.
Ain’t horseshoes nor hand grenades in the greatest artform ever gifted us from Italy, France, Russia.
Every sinew is either properly aligned or else it is properly not and if it is properly not then angry barks rain down from unrelenting masters.
I watched her grit, felt my deep shame, purposed to knock Ashton Goggans out in the greatest trilogy fight of the decade but a funny thing happened on the way to the octagon.
And there I was, taking young daughter to days’ long rehearsals, endless classes, watching her reach levels of talent that I had never even sniffed when the call came in.
“Would you be Mother Ginger?”
For the boorish, uninformed, Mother Ginger is a pivotal character in The Nutcracker. She shuffles on stage, garishly, in the second act during the “Land of Sweets” arrangement. She is pure divertissement, enjoyable diversion, entering stage with a host of Bon Bons, or tiny dancers, under the broad folds of her skirt whom emerge, dance, get scolded, slide back under her dress while she shuffles off to rapturous burst of applause.
Historically, Mother Ginger has been played by a tall man in drag as it takes a tall man to support the skirt folds necessary to hide many Bon Bons, and it was my destiny to be this tall man… in drag.
Sensing the important kink in my road to greatness, I accepted at once showing up to my first rehearsal with ever-present WHOOP strap affixed, twenty-odd Bon Bons scrambling, giggling, choreographer exhausted, me, in skeleton of broad skirt, trying not to step on them, trying to vamp appropriately.
In my premier, and much-loved, WHOOP missive telegraphing that pivot to greatness, the august Travis Edgar suggested, “Maybe just do ballet with the kid” instead of training to fight.
He had no idea how stressful, how taxing, how completely impossible the whole business is.
I was sweating profusely whilst trying not to step on Bon Bons whilst attempting to remember my choreography whilst waving my arms, garishly, fabulously, whilst hoisting my skirt skeleton.
A fitness bonanza.
My WHOOP measured a heretofore record 9.8 of strain.
Rumour to hand via the miracle of inside sources is that Vans has taken the legal sword to Quiksilver for that company’s re-release of their trunks, The Original, which feature a checkered stripe running down each femur.
Sorta ‘cause even though they told ‘em checkers “do not function as a trademark to indicate the source of applicant’s clothing” the USPTO granted ‘em the registration to use it on “apparel, namely, bottoms.”
Ten days after that, Nike, a company with a thousand times more legal heft that Vans, said hell no, arguing that since the eighties it “has sold and continues to sell” apparel products that include “checkerboard patterns of various sizes, shapes, and colors placed in various locations on shirts and pants, such as the front, side, back, and inside thereof.”
Anyway, our Quiksilver source, hunkered over their (note use of pronoun) machine in Huntington Beach there, ears popping, says Vans came after ‘em, hard, following The Originals campaign.
Tried to take ‘em to court but lost ‘cause Quiksilver has been running that same print for forty years.
And, says our source, allegedly, Vans told ‘em they will not sponsor any Quiksilver surfer with shoes and that Quik can’t use any Vans products in shoots or marketing.
Good to see a lil fire between companies now that Quik and Billabong, once the most vicious of enemies, sit cheek by jowl in the same Huntington Beach office, same masters etc.
In entirely unexpected twist at inaugural Surf Park Awards, quaint Lemoore, California comes within striking distance of besting Melbourne, Australia as “most appealing” place to experience artificial waves!
Aftershocks are still reverberating through the surf community after last night’s earthquake (feat. Chris Cote) at the inaugural Surf Park Central Surf Park Awards. Recap here, but for those short on time/attempting to preserve remaining brain cells, the shocker occurred when Spain’s Wavegarden snatched “Most Appealing Wave Technology” from the grasp of Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch.
Audible gasps and shocked sighs filled the lushly wood paneled public library community room somewhere in San Diego.
Surf Lakes, Yeppoon clutching a bespoke monogrammed Occy clutch to breast. Waco, Texas taking the stage unexpectedly, standing there in front of Wavegarden saying, “Yo, Wavegarden. I’m really happy for you, Ima let you finish, but Kelly Slater made one of the best waves of all time. One of the best waves of all time.”
So much wildness that, as reported earlier, URBNSurf, Australia there just off Melbourne’s International Airport, almost didn’t hear its winning of “Most Appealing Surf Park Destination.”
Melbourne, a world-class city, would have been completely confident going against Yeppoon, Waco, Spain, Lemoore ahead of the awards but, as a surf journalist, I would like to call for a recount on the votes.
Berlin was on the list.
And so was Lemoore.
Surprising at it may seem, I have been to Melbourne’s Crowne casino and I have been to Lemoore’s Tachi Palace.
Sorta potato, potato there.
Much closer than it would otherwise appear.
Melbourne has superior fussy cuisine, Lemoore a superior Applebee’s Bar + Grill.
Where would you rather vacation?
Public shocked, flabbergasted as Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch wins “Most Popular Surf Park for High-Performance Surfing” but loses “Most Appealing Wave Technology” to Wavegarden at inaugural Surf Park Awards!
Audible gasps, shocked sighs, filled the lushly wood paneled public library community room hosting the first-ever Surf Park Central Surf Park Awards, last evening, when the penultimate satin envelope, containing the winner of the coveted “Most Appealing Wave Technology” award, was opened.
Up until that point, there had been few surprises as master of ceremony Chris Cote, nattily dressed in a short-sleeved Hawaiian print button-up buttoned all the way up, announced the results of a global consumer opinion survey which had garnered over 2,000 votes.
Most popular surf park for beginners and intermediates: URBNSurf, Australia.
Most appealing deep water standing wave technology: City Wave, Germany.
Most appealing amenities: URBNSurf, Australia.
Most popular surf park for high-performance surfing: WSL Surf Ranch, US.
Kelly Slater’s brainchild, crowning California’s industrial farming Central Valley, has experienced somewhat of a renaissance of late, what with erstwhile grouchy surf journalists being won over by its charm, and Team Surf Ranch confidently, yet graciously, accepted the honor only smirking ever so slightly toward Team Surf Lakes Yeppoon.
Cote then began another patented charming spiel before segueing into “…and the winner of the most appealing wave technology is…”
Team Surf Ranch readied itself to stand and make its way up front, gingerly fingering the acceptance speech it had written last night.
“… Wavegarden, Spain.”
Such commotion that URBNSurf, Australia also taking “Most Appealing Surf Park Destination” went almost unheard, Melbourne quietly happy not to have lost to Lemoore.
But Wavegarden taking out Surf Ranch for “most appealing wave technology”… what do you think about that?
Which would you rather dance upon?
Watch the drama unfold here.
Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros