"Ima let you finish..."
Audible gasps, shocked sighs, filled the lushly wood paneled public library community room hosting the first-ever Surf Park Central Surf Park Awards, last evening, when the penultimate satin envelope, containing the winner of the coveted “Most Appealing Wave Technology” award, was opened.
Up until that point, there had been few surprises as master of ceremony Chris Cote, nattily dressed in a short-sleeved Hawaiian print button-up buttoned all the way up, announced the results of a global consumer opinion survey which had garnered over 2,000 votes.
Most popular surf park for beginners and intermediates: URBNSurf, Australia.
Most appealing deep water standing wave technology: City Wave, Germany.
Most appealing amenities: URBNSurf, Australia.
Most popular surf park for high-performance surfing: WSL Surf Ranch, US.
Kelly Slater’s brainchild, crowning California’s industrial farming Central Valley, has experienced somewhat of a renaissance of late, what with erstwhile grouchy surf journalists being won over by its charm, and Team Surf Ranch confidently, yet graciously, accepted the honor only smirking ever so slightly toward Team Surf Lakes Yeppoon.
Cote then began another patented charming spiel before segueing into “…and the winner of the most appealing wave technology is…”
Team Surf Ranch readied itself to stand and make its way up front, gingerly fingering the acceptance speech it had written last night.
“… Wavegarden, Spain.
Audible gasps.
Shocked sighs.
Such commotion that URBNSurf, Australia also taking “Most Appealing Surf Park Destination” went almost unheard, Melbourne quietly happy not to have lost to Lemoore.
But Wavegarden taking out Surf Ranch for “most appealing wave technology”… what do you think about that?
Which would you rather dance upon?
Watch the drama unfold here.
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It’s kind of funny to be giving awards for a sport that is relatively ecofriendly with natural wave creation to an energy gobbling bastardization of the sport.
“energy-gobbling”
You’re dehyphenated there.
They should have generated a holograph to host it.
Jonah hill flaccid foam awards
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Who gives a shit
Wtf is this crap?
Who the fuck is old balding man cote to hand out awards?
Ziff….it’s a youthful sport you dead set brain dead billionaire.
Young people, young girls, young men .
Give them the chance!
Sack these old cunts who are leeches off u.
Wsl shouldn’t be employing any one over 25!
P.s Melbourne is about as appealing as a zombie apocalypse COVID-19 waste ground for a surf trip and no half normal cunt wants to catch a train in lenmore
Surely this should be judged by “swellnet” man.
Waco? Hasn’t Waco killed two people, gone bankrupt and isn’t Waco in, like Texas?
You think Waco holds a candle to Lemoore?
What kinda glue you sniffing?
Waco being in Texas is actually even worse because it’s in Waco, Texas. Most famous for David Koresh and Baylor athletic department murders and sexual assault scandals
Yeah I was gonna bring up Koresh and all that. But on the good side, I believe Steve Martin is originally from Waco and Dr. Pepper was invented there, so there’s that.
But there is no contest between Waco and Lemoore.
Surf Ranch is an engineering marvel.
If Surf Ranch were a person: https://www.youtube.com/wat…
I’ve read somewhere that you can still buy original recipe Dr Pepper under a different name in Texas. Supposed to be more “herbal”.
Dr. Pepper with crushed ice in plastic cups is the go.
3-4 fingers of bourbon, ice and just enough Dr Pepper (or Mr Pibb…. I’m not bougie!) to give it some color.
My faith does not allow me to drink fermented grain or grapes, or touch women who aren’t my wife or listen to modern country.
So just Dr. Pepper is good for me.
Melbourne tub is closest to a border.
That’s handy cause their dear leader is next level cunt.
This is a joke right?
Beach Grit
or
the 1st Annual Surf Park Awards ?
Yeah. Which one, Gil?
Chas, baby, as above. Loosen up!
Get a grip JB, BG is the last bastion of professional surf journalism! I was meaning the 1st ASPAs
Dyslexia is a trip or maybe from tripping. I’m always misreading words at first then laughing to myself at what I thought they said. Road signs, packaging, there’s no limits…anything with words. Lol.
that sounds like a BS R-gument in the making.
They needed Cote to MC this shindig?
I can’t get past wondering what he charges for an evening engagement? Or what would be his low end he’d be willing to take?
For some reason this little quote from Linda Evangelista came to mind
« I don’t get out of bed for anything less than 10 k « but it’s possible that
Ko Tay might be up at dawn for 10 bucks and a block of wax
I gotta think $10k too. Though, this is the surf industry where aspiring “pros” apparently eat off a box of clothes and stickers. I don’t think any number would shock me.
What do you got? We can make a deal.
What’s my estimate? For some reason I feel like you will say if I hit it. Which would command maximum respect.
Let’s break this down contributing factors to pricing..
+ You’re a name in surf
+ Edgy enough to be dangerous to the wanna-be-surf-adjacent execs of these companies
+ Still PC and G rated enough to not be a wildcard
– No Turpel in the looks department
+ You’re not Turpel
– Not as amusing as Wingnut (he would have been my pick for this event for a lot of reasons)
– Probably don’t require first class if you have to travel
– Top button thing on an Aloha shirt is questionable
+ Intelligence
+ Potential to command a room full of wankers for an awards ceremony no one cares about
Summing all of that up, I’d say $10k.
Am I hot or cold?
Chris? Hot or cold? I’m gonna say this, being in backyard library, netted 3k.
One thing that likely keeps him working and paid decently is all the dirt he probably has on execs in the industry.
Will you be my manager? I like you
Let’s do this shit. Send your next contract over. I guarantee at least 10% more on the next one (that will be my take) and we’ll get them to throw in Pez on your rider.
Also, I commit to doing my damndest to get Turpel fired. I’m dedicated to that.
Uhh, I really don’t feel a need to dance on any of them, I’m pretty content with the real ocean.
Dr. Franken-Slater can keep his soul-less creation and it may turn on him in the end– like the others may turn on their creators also.
PS
Me thinks the next time you surf in the real ocean Chas, it may have lost some of its allure for you.
PSS
Did Slater get an award for the ‘ultimate ‘grumpy’ local’–my beach, my waves, go home, go home.
(Unless you have 50 g’s for a one day session, or unless you are some soft minded journalist who can be ‘bought’ with a couple of free sessions….
I’ve surfed in the ocean much since the Ranch and turns enhanced!
Well Chas, it’s way too
early to tell, the jury is still out on this whole wave tank trip, and what ramifications it may have in the long haul.
I still see young kids (who used to be content with what the Ocean gave us), falling to sleep at night dreaming about a wave tank instead of the ocean.
Have we traded the magic for perfection?
THE BEST BEER IN THE WORLD CONTEST, BY BUDWEISER! THE WINNER IS, BUDWEISER! HONORABLE MENTION: BUD LIGHT!
Be a bit like holding a World Series but forgetting to invite teams from the other 194 countries ?
I don’t like baseball but that’s kind of dumb since the best players from around the world are all in the league.
Truth , Justice and The American Hegemony Way ?
Beer makes you smarter… it made Budweiser.
But Victoria Bitter ?
Is the ranch pool treated with chemicals? If not they should stock it with catfish, bass and bluegills for the down time between sessions. SUSTAINABILITY!!!!
Piranhas , Anacondas and electric eels ……for the fun
“can’t fish you’ll Peirce the bottom” same reason they have to wear leashes.
People leashed up piercing bottoms sounds somewhat Sodom and Gomorrahesque
Pierce Brosnan
Pierce off Jack ….Gibbs on !
“What dïd you say?”
Tough old Jack brought out the best in the entertainer , ARTIE BEETSON but I still prefer a Ronnie Coote .
After that you can light up a Fatty.
Currently working on a system of wavepools doubling as fish ladders on the Klamath.
Great. Now the local tribes will get all the salmon AND all the waves! Why can’t they just be content with the casinos?!?!
Most desirable backdoor section: Yeppoon
Most likely to be surfed by ghosts of the Branch Davidians ?
Most likely spot to land a Koresh flip
THE BOOK OF ELI hanneman …..
I really thought this was parody until I saw the video. More surf industry self-aggrandizement and bullshit awards? In a world where Dirk Ziff is a waterman of the year this makes perfect sense.
Truly.
The surf industry should simply rent a large auditorium and engage in the world’s biggest circle-jerk. Leave surfing and its associated lifestyle to the silent majority who do it just for the fun of it.
They would have to build a special design stadium to fit all the surf media/industry types in.
Isn’t that what all those “surf” trade shows are?
Any time I hear or see Chris Cote associated with surfing, it instantly goes into the category of parody.
He is a parody of himself
Who won sexiest pool cleaner?
Bill Murray seen here working at a golf course / wavepool ….same same ?
https://youtu.be/TPxiXGr9nFM
Good old bill murray
https://medias.spotern.com/…
“Surf Park Awards”
Somewhat synonymous with “Dick Measuring Contest”. Instead of worrying about the size of my dick, I’d rather just enjoy sex. Not being interested in any way about surf ponds, I’d rather just paddle out in the ocean and surf.