"way to blatantly disregard the boundary he JUST blatantly set."
Yesterday, not even twelve hours ago, fans of Hollywood funnyman Jonah Hill bared their gleaming fangs and viciously rounded on the 63-year-old actress Sharon Stone over a seemingly compliment paid to the heir of Miki Dora’s Malibu throne.
The business got started when Hill uploaded an earnest message to Instagram reading, “I know you mean well buy I kindly ask that you not comment on my body (heart) good or bad I want to politely let you know it’s not helpful and doesn’t feel good. Much respect.”
The mainstream media speculated the post was in reference to a recent adulatory US Weekly candid spread.
In February, the Superbad actor addressed his newfound freedom, taking off shirt in public, after years of sensitivity. “Probably would have happened sooner if my childhood insecurities weren’t exacerbated by years of public mockery about my body by press and interviewers,” he said. “So the idea that the media tries to play me by stalking me while surfing and printing photos like this and it can’t phase me anymore is dope. I’m 37 and finally love and accept myself.”
His latest post was met with much love and respect. The artist SZA commented, “Absolutely love you. Thank you!!!” Saturday Night Live alum Aidy Bryant shared a green check mark. Beanie Feldstein, who appears as Monica Lewinsky in the new program Impeachment: American Crime Story added, “That’s (clap) my (clap) brother (clap).”
The trouble began when Sharon Stone noted, “Can i say you look good cuz you do (fire emoji)”
The fallout was instantaneous and universally damning with Hill fans digging in, tearing out hunks of flesh.
“wtf that’s literally the point of the post.”
“Be better, Sharon.”
“he said NO!!!”
“Read the post again (eye roll).”
“u don’t seem to understand the assignment.”
“way to blatantly disregard the boundary he JUST blatantly set.”
On and on and on it cascaded with universal disdain for the Basic Instinct lead.
Difficult to see how Stone survives the hold down.
A heavy heavy wave.
Sunny Garcia at full extension, Burleigh Heads.
New existential crisis: Is jiujitsu actually gonna work in a surf fight?
No one gets into martial arts for community, discipline or the camaraderie. You walked into that gym to create an ultra-violent, fighting machine.
Around here, we’ve been around the world enough to not be shy.We know the booby traps.
Let’s be real.
No one gets into martial arts for community, discipline or the camaraderie, although this ideal is often expressed to friends, family.
You walked into that gym cause you wanted to beat hell out of another man.
You wanted to create a dynamite fighting machine with an ultra-violent capability.
You bite a hunk of trouble off in the water and it’s more than you can chew, what do you do, tough guy? You want skills.
Girl gets slapped in some bucket-of-blood bar and she’s counting on you to wrap that fool up in your sails. Skills.
Kid gets belted by a coach or wanna-be baby gangsters. Skills.
You want to walk tall. Fear no man.
I threw in with what used to be called Brazilian jiujitsu, as referenced here, here and here, but what is now rapidly evolving into all-discipline grappling, snatching the best of wrestling, sambo and judo.
Does it work in the surf?
Le me sketch a recent surf fight.
Smallish but lushly rounded waves, crowd not so bad.
I’m in a pack with two pals and another man whom I’ve already noted pauses on takeoffs and whose back foot operates from a position three inches in front of his tail pad, a mirror image of me.
He rides a squared-off Tomo, a one-thousand dollar surfboard handled only by the very best and the very worst.
Tomo man on inside, pal on outside. Whistle for pal to go despite the superficial shattering of surf etiquette.
Tomo man yells with full doomsday vibes; pal ignores.
I take next wave into impact zone to enjoy the melee first hand.
Tomo man insults pal’s prematurely aged appearance.
Pal lifts Tomo man by the collar of his wetsuit and…pop…pop…pop… three shots to the head. Practised jabs. Tomo man’s eyes are phosphorescent. He rolls to his side to avoid more blows.
A set separates ‘em, they paddle back out.
Tomo man tells another couple of surfers he’s just been belted although the only injury, interestingly, is a dislocated finger on my pal’s hand, and adds something to the effect my pal is lucky it didn’t go to the beach ‘cause he would’ve unleashed his jiujitsu.
Existential crisis. Did I just spent a year, six days a week, learning to operate a vehicle that is obsolete?
And now an aside, a message from our sponsor, whatever you want to call it: the training benefits of jiujisu have been superb, although not as sharp as surfing. Here, let’s pause, all of us, to examine a recent day of surfing by the two-time world surfing champion John John Florence, whose wrist is bejewelled in WHOOP.
John John, who turns twenty-nine in five days, went to bed at 7.43 pm, a Saturday, woke up a little after five am, surfed from 7:45 until 10:25, ate, maybe, whatever, then shredded from 12:40 to 4:03, a total of nearly seven hours in the drink.
“I really like surfing,” writes John John, who burned 4309 calories and whose heart rate variability, a measure of the variation in time between each heartbeat, fitter you are, higher the number, is a relatively impressive 77 although well short of my 101, as seen below.
Anyway, the deeper you get into grappling game, the more you realise its inherent flaws, although as a jiujitsu man, who surfs told me, the guy getting punched should’ve dived down, grabbed my pal’s heel, hooked it and wrenched out his knee. No more surfing for you, buddy.
As the philosopher, author etc Sammy Harris advised,
When you are standing at arm’s length from your opponent, you want to be able to punch like a Western-style boxer and kick like a Thai boxer.
Moving closer, you want to remain a Thai boxer in your ability to strike with your knees and elbows.
Once your opponent grabs hold of you, or you him (the clinch), you want to have the skills of a Greco-Roman/freestyle wrestler—controlling his posture and throwing him to the ground at will.
In the presence of sufficient clothing (jackets, coats, or traditional martial arts uniforms), this vertical grappling can take the form of judo. The general picture at this range is of two people being too close to strike one another effectively: You want to be the one who can move the fight to the ground on his own terms—by executing takedowns or throws—and who can resist being taken there.
And if the fight goes to the ground, the surest path to the safety of home remains Brazilian jiu-jitsu. The original revelation of the UFC still stands.
He added an important caveat,
Because BJJ is geared toward fighting on the ground, and is so decisive there, you can easily acquire a bias toward going to the ground on principle. When rolling on the mat, perfecting arm locks and chokes, it is easy to forget that in a real fight, your opponent is very likely to be punching you, or armed with a weapon, or in the company of friends who might be eager to kick you in the head (facts that are given cursory treatment in most BJJ training).
What’s a girl to do?
Next week: Wrestling with bears!
Question: Is professional longboarding secretly the jewel in the World Surf League’s gilded crown?
Yesterday, the 50-adjacent onetime prodigy Joel Tudor became champion of professional longboarding with his inspirational win at the Jeep Malibu Classic presented by Havaianas. The victory, over British man Ben Skinner, cemented Tudor’s already extremely solid place in surf history.
The oldest champ ever and the black belt declared, afterwards, “The most proud thing of all of this is that I finally beat Kelly at something. So remember that.”
Poignent and made me wonder. Is professional longboarding secretly the jewel in the World Surf League’s gilded crown?
To wit, longboarding is much more practiced by the legions of VALs embracing surfing as a healthy lifestyle alternative and much more understood by them. This vast army represents the sort of hockey stick growth the WSL so craves.
Furthermore, the gap between the women and the men is virtually non-existent leading to the very real possibility of the two competing in one, beautiful genderless class. Equal prize money, equal opportunity, equal wave quality, equal coverage, more than equal hope in breaking through mainstream reticence to embrace a pursuit often seen as “white” and “privileged.”
Lastly, the League is sitting on the world’s greatest longboard wave, one that can be conjured at the push of a button flowing magnificently through the middle of industrial dairyland.
Altogether, it really does seem there is much more upside in longboarding than in short.
Prove me wrong.
China conducts beach invasion exercise on island opposite Taiwan famous for its “inconsistent, blown out, poor quality surf!”
Days ago, it was reported that China’s robust People’s Liberation Army conducted beach invasion exercises on Fujian island, which happens to be very near Taiwan.
According to official Chinese accounts the action involved “shock” troops, sappers and boat specialist who were “divided into multiple waves to grab the beach and perform combat tasks at different stages.”
Video was released of soldiers throwing smoke grenades and breaking through barbed wire. Digging trenches in the sand etc.
The war-game was extremely provocative as, over the weekend, Chinese President Xi Jinping declared that Taiwan will be “reunified” with the mainland.
Worrisome but, as a surfer, I was curious as to Fujian’s potential and quickly searched “surf Fujian.”
Funingwan in Fujian is a reasonably exposed beach break that has inconsistent surf with no particular seasonal pattern. Offshore winds are from the west with some shelter here from north winds. Short period wind swells are the rule and the best wave direction is from the east southeast. The beach break offers both left and right hand waves. Crowds are never a problem here. Water quality is rather poor here.
It sounds lightly depressing so I then conducted an image search for “sad surfer.”
And look at that. Top row, fifth picture from left, Derek Rielly spraying all the mopes.
What was I writing about again?
World War III?
Do you think the west will care if/when China gets grabby or will there be much hand-wringing followed by Hong Kong-sized shrugs?
More, I suppose, as the story develops.
Surfing ultra-purist Joel Tudor stomps best in biz to win world longboard crown, “I finally beat Kelly Slater at something, oldest world champ!”
The ultra-purist and black belt grappler Joel Tudor has become the sport’s oldest-ever world champion, winning the log crown, aged forty-five, beating the Brit Ben Skinner at two-foot Malibu.
Tudor won his first log world title in 1998 in the Canary Islands and number two in Biarritz, 2004.
Before today’s final Tudor said,
“I was at a Final here decades ago, the last time the WSL decided a World Title at Malibu, and I lost in the final to Russ K (Keaulana). Winning here all these years later would be a heck of a way to top off a pretty good run. You need to have goals, it gets you up in the morning. Winning another Title off this incredible field of talent won’t be easy, but I have a lot of experience at that wave and I intend to give it everything I’ve got to pull out the event win and the Title.”