The Boss. Photo: Sea Dragon Films.
The Boss. Photo: Sea Dragon Films.

Underwater cinematographers capture world’s most abused shark casually swimming off coast of South Australia: “No one knows what causes that sort of damage to a shark, but the poor guy had a bit of a hard time I think.”

Tougher than the rest.

There are not many occasions, as surfers, to feel sympathy for our Great White Shark neighbors, the selfsame that nibble our feets and cause us to hop on metaphorical sleds and reset, but there’s a 10-foot li’l nugget, currently swimming off the coast of South Australia, that is so battered, so bruised as to maybe become BeachGrit‘s new mascot.

The amazing footage was captured by underwater cinematographer Dean Spraakman who described the shark as “friendly” but said no one on his team had ever seen a creature in such condition.

“We see sometimes down there the white sharks tracking stingrays because they hunt and eat them and we thought they chase them into shallow reef areas where it’s quite sharp and it might get stuck and cause that sort of damage. You can only speculate what happened there and to be honest no one … ever really knows what causes that sort of damage to a shark, but the poor guy had a bit of a hard time I think. I noticed he had scars on him but I didn’t realise to what length until I reviewed the footage later.”

They wondered if the gouges might have been caused by boat propellers but dismissed the notion and continued to remain befuddled.

National Geographic explorer Professor Yannis Papastamatiou thought some of the wounds might have been from fighting with other sharks saying, “Females are often heavily scarred from mating behaviour but males can get bitten as well during dominance interactions between sharks, eg a larger shark may want a smaller shark and dominate the smaller individual with a non-fatal warning bite.”

Whatever the case, this shark is a working class hero and, you know, some girls, they want a handsome Dan or some good-lookin’ Joe on their arm. Some girls like a sweet-talkin’ Romeo. Well, ’round South Australia, baby, he learned you get what you can get so if you’re rough enough for love, honey, he’s tougher than the rest.

Angry local jerks rock above his head multiple times to slay foil-board.

Wild scenes at San Francisco’s Fort Point as surfer uses rock to destroy foil-boarder’s expensive craft in shadow of Golden Gate Bridge, “Bro, what? Why are they doing that?”

“Local surfers have a well-earned reputation for intimidating and belittling newcomers."

In case y’weren’t au fait with the scene at Fort Point, a novelty wave beneath San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, it has a cadre of locals former Surfer editor Steve Hawk describes simply as “dicks.”

This from a piece a few years back on Bloomberg,

“Local surfers have a well-earned reputation for intimidating and belittling newcomers. In a short documentary on the surf break, one local reports seeing hundreds of violent incidents in the water in his 30 years of surfing there, including broken boards and fins, beatings, and attempted drownings.… In 2003, three surfers at Fort assaulted a Berkeley resident during a spring afternoon session. They held him underwater, broke his nose, and left a gash in his eye that required eight stitches. None of them received jail time.”

Whatevs, ain’t in no hurry to surf a junky dirty water left.

Yesterday, one foil-boarder, using the tow-in method where a boat propels ’em into the waves, failed to get the memo, as they say in the classics.

After the leashless foil is washed onto the shoreline, it is attacked by an angry local who jerks a rock above his head multiple times to slay the damn thing.

The footage below was captured by Jon Solaga, a member of the Bay Area Kiteboarding page. 

Good times.

New Drive-Thru team with handsome and very funny Benji Weatherley sandwiched tween Griff Colapinto and Dane Reynolds at the front. | Photo: @benjiweatherley

Rumour: World Surf League says no to Drive-Thru movie franchise sponsorship after star Benji Weatherley refuses CEO Erik Logan’s list of things he won’t be able to do on the show, tells Elo “Well, it’s not like anybody watches the WSL anyway!”

Iconic surf movie comedy franchise keeps legend alive!

Here’s a rumour, and a very good one, from a source lingering there in a shadow-haunted vestibule very close to the action, that rips the hem from recent negotiations between the WSL and Drive-Thru principals Greg Browning, Taylor Steele, Donavon Frankenreiter and Benji Weatherley. 

Drive-Thru was a movie franchise from the early two-thousands that put five surfers in an RV and filmed their adventures over the course of two weeks to one month. It peaked in the first episode, one month in a van travelling California, and hit a nadir in the last, Drive-Thru Australia. 

Many limbs pocked with sores oozing pus, ropes of dried semen looped on chins, the musical splash of turds in bowls etc.

Good times for participants and for viewers.

Its recent re-boot, we are told, was met with an offer to buy from the WSL.

Many important meetings. All systems go, as they say.

And, then, at the very end of the last meeting, papers ready to sign, Benji Weatherley, still funny and too beautiful to behold at almost fifty says, “Well it’s not like anybody watches the WSL anyways.”

A very good joke and clearly a joke for a quick search on SimilarWeb (a website that tracks internet traffic) reveals the WSL to be almost half the size of surf news behemoth BeachGrit.

But no laughs from WSL executives, apparently.

They want to move forward with project but not with Benji. 

Greg Browning moves in, fights for Benji who is, let’s face it, the pulse-racing magic that defines the franchise, and, eventually, the WSL says yes. 

But, first, Benji has to agree to special terms. 

WSL CEO Erik “Elo” Logan sends Benji a list of things he can’t do on the show. 

Benji, very much allegedly etc, sends Logan a photo of a penis.

And that was that! 

According to our source, 

“The next day FUEL TV called, made the boys an of an offer… And we’re off to the races!”

The first film is a doozy, stars Dane, Kelly, Griff, Donnie, Benji, Parker Coffin.

Trailer coming soon! 

Slater (pictured).
Slater (pictured).

World’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater shockingly silent as Green Bay Packers superstar quarterback Aaron Rogers dragged though public square for anti-vaccine mandate stance!

But is it a ploy?

At 1:25 pm, California time, the NFL’s Green Bay Packers will take the field against the Kansas City Chiefs and there will be one dominant storyline. The absence of Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rogers who tested positive for the Covid virus earlier this week. Rogers at the beginning of the season told reporters that he had been “immunized” but had not, in fact, taken one of the three vaccines.

Days ago, last year’s most valuable player decides to address the situation directly.

“I realize I’m in the crosshairs of the woke mob right now, so before my final nail gets put in my cancel-culture casket, I think I’d like to set the record straight on some of the blatant lies that are out there about myself right now,” he told Pat McAfee of the Pat McAfee Show.

“It wasn’t some sort of ruse or lie, it was the truth,” he said about his being immunized, and if further questions had been asked “I would’ve said, ‘Look, I’m not some sort of anti-vax, flat-earther. I am somebody who is a critical thinker, you guys know me, I march to the beat of my own drum, I believe strongly in bodily autonomy.'”

Continuing, “I believe strongly in bodily autonomy and the ability to make choices for your body, not to have to acquiesce to some woke culture or crazed group of individuals who say you have to do something. Health is not a one-size-fits-all for everybody.”

Entirely Slater-esque.

Slater himself went on his own pro-choice campaign, recently, opening various fronts against Instagram commenters, doctors and his fellow professional surfers, telling Australian Ironman Matt Poole, “If I know the risks (informed consent) and I judge the choice to be one that benefits/hurts me based on stats and info and my own ability (health), I can choose accordingly.”

And yet, the world’s greatest surfer has been uncharacteristically silent since Rogers’ dragging began.

Not a peep.

Now, I’m no military tactician, but might the 11x World Champion have seen an opportunity to join forces with Rogers and the very popular Joe Rogan and punch through the fortifications of the pro-life side?

A real Battle of the Bulge moment?

Maybe Slater is waiting until 1:25 California time to announce the attack.

It would be wise.

Erwin Rommel-esque.

"Go home, child. There's nothing for you here." Photo WSL/Matt Dunbar
"Go home, child. There's nothing for you here." Photo WSL/Matt Dunbar

In darkly candid moment, Australia’s Julian Wilson declares that the World Surf League’s “Dream Tour” is dead, that Brazilian professional surfers will never again taste the ignominy of defeat!

Green and gold über alles.

BeachGrit is known to be many things, most importantly anti-depressive, but there is no way to spin recent dark comments from Australian superstar, one-time Championship hopeful Julian Wilson into light. No how to find any such silver lining as the black cloud that just emanated from his handsome mouth covers the sky as far as the eye can see.

For in a sit-down with Australia’s august Daily Telegraph the famous Wilson laid absolute waste to the World Surf League’s “Dream Tour” and also to the hopes any young American, Australian, South African, Frenchman might ever have of winning a championship for themselves.

His revelation of the dystopia came to him during this past summer’s Olympic Games in Tokyo wherein he got to see the future up close.

“The Olympics were better than I imagined,” he began, “And I just felt so much responsibility representing Australia … it was so much bigger than I thought — nothing like a surfing event and I was blown away.Even without spectators it is the biggest event I have surfed at. The athletes village, the Opening Ceremony … the athletes were like avatars, they were such specimens and so primed and just ready for their Olympic moment. And the Brazilians all year have been the ones to beat. With all the changes that have happened with the world tour and the competition schedule …the Brazilians have been too hungry. They are just tenacious and with the waves, most people would say a lot of the waves at world tour events were mediocre this year compared to the standard wave quality, but the Brazilians just stepped up. Until we go back to the full schedule of events they will be hard pressed to beat, they are used to making the most of messy, inconsistent waves.”

Wilson had time to ruminate on the poor quality waves and the Brazilians who surfed them so well during three separate isolation stints totaling three weeks and decided to step away, now fronting Oakley’s “Be Who You Are” campaign which encourages children “that they don’t have to conform, to be brave and embrace who they really are.”

i.e. not a surfing world champion if hailing from America, Australia, South Africa or France.

Green and gold über alles.