The title stays in Brazil!
(This story was originally slated to appear as a comment beneath the latest Medina story but was scooped out of Disqus by moderator Negatron.)
35. Joao Chianca
Someone had to be here.
34. Lucca Mesinas
Have only watched videos of him going left.
33. Liam O’Brien
Irish-sounding named, Australian Rook who got some ‘CT experience last year at Rottnest, where he surfed ra… he surfed. Joey said something like he wanted to be a physicist or something, which would be great, squaring up his surfing ability with his profession. Too harsh? Of course, but the only other thing I could think of to say about him was something about the potato famine and him having to survive the time eating a steady diet of rats and nettles, which is all he could muster.
32. Jake Marshall
Who was the last decent ‘CT’er from San Diego County? Taylor Knox? Machado? He’s neither of them.
31. Callum Robson
Husky dude with flailing arms, which I could see the judges not penalizing, but also not getting into.
30. Jackson Baker
Looks like a thumb. Like other Tour thumbs before him (StuKen, Adam Melling, Drew Courtney), he’ll end the year lowly rated (probably cut), forced to requalify via the Challenger Series.
29. Jadson Andre
Charges and seems like a cool guy. Rank style, but like that he’s on Tour. Hopefully he can do better than this (not make the cut, mind you, but maybe be near it).
28. Connor O’Leary
Had a good rookie year, but hasn’t been able to get it together on Tour. Kinda hoping he doesn’t, it being pretty funny to read Bicko rave about him when he’s doing shit.
27. Caio Ibelli
Replacement surfer for Gabe. Thank God he’s not Mikey Wright, who if still around I’d rank dead last, easily.
26. Owen Wright
Ranked this highly for the bronze in Japan and his potential performance at the Pipeline.
25. Carlos Munoz
Costa Rican Kelly Slater or something. DLS thinks he’s great. Don’t know, as my skills at rating surfers, as should be apparent, are negligible.
24. Miguel Pupo
Thing 1 will probably end up rated low.
23. Ryan Callinan
Hurt and I forgot about him.
22. Zeke Lau
Might want to try boosting his median heat score above 11, where he has generally been on Tour, otherwise we’ll see him have to Challenger Series again. Not everyone can be a Top-20 surfer.
21. Imaikalani deVault
Looks like he rips. Hopefully better than the second coming of Roy Powers.
20. Samuel Pupo
Younger brother to Thing 1… that’s all I got.
19. Ethan Ewing A
ndy reincarnate he’s not. Still waiting to see what all the hype was/is about.
18. Deivid Silva
Nice backhand attack. Should be plenty of rights to keep him on Tour.
17. Nat Young
Freckled face devil spawn from Santa Cruz, hopefully Natty breaks out and ends the year higher than this, if only to have people get frustrated and use him as an example of someone who is overrated by judges. Like Daeiouiavid, should be plenty of rights for him to stay on.
16. Leonardo Fioravanti
Leo is blah. Would be way cooler to learn that he had brothers named Donatello, Raphael, and Michaelangelo.
15. K-Hole Andino
Still looking for that elusive first win… will probably still be waiting. Rated lowly due to me needing to place him somewhere.
14. Kanoa Igarshi
2021 was a year of semi-fulfilled opportunities for Mr. Japan, him having placed in the Top 10 and winning silver at the Olympics. Bet he was wishing to do more. The chance of becoming a global superstar could dwindle if he does poorly early. If that happens, we can only wish that we’d witness a claim from him where he screams and punches himself in the face for all of us.
13. Conner Coffin
Surprise Top 5 finalist. Looking for him to fall back a little bit, but should remain on Tour, entertaining all the folks with his Live Musical Performance at Trestles brought to you by Fermensch Kombucha and b-Vibe Butt Plugs, where he will perform his version of Steal My Kisses to a bunch of zealous OC white people.
12. Frederico Morais
Seems about right. Not a Top-fiver (I was hoping through Barra that he’d somehow qualify for the Final at Trestles), but judges like his surfing.
11. Seth Moniz.
Phenomenal body.
10. Jack Robinson
Seth and Jack should benefit from better waves on Tour this year, rather than having to surf garbage Australian beachbreaks all year. Would have put Jack higher, except I can’t trust that he’s going to be able to put everything together. Barra was encouraging last year and hopefully not an anomaly, but… nothing.
9. Morgan Cibilic
What a year 2021 ended up being for Little Morgan: a Top 5 finish! A surprising performance for not really going to the air. Like compatriot Liam, Morgan surfs simply, feasting on a diet of cutbacks, off-the-tops, and bottom turns, which are not a move. Unlike Liam, Morgs rips, really sinking his teeth into waves, devouring them as if he were sampling his favorite willow or maple bark. Rated lower than he placed last year just because.
8. Griffin Colapinto
Griff finished just outside the Top 5 last year because he boofed Barra. No matter, he would’ve been pulverized by Fil or Gabe anyway. Well-rounded and seemingly never suffering from constipation, Griff could do really well this year, so well that this ranking might be criminal by year’s end, but the people ahead of him have other things going for them…
7. Yago Dora
“Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he’s inferior to Thing 1.” He’s better.
6. Jordan Michael Smith “
This is Jordy’s year!” Everyone, every year. Still, getting older, I can see the judges breaking down enough for him to get his own Joel Parkinson Lifetime Achievement Award World Title.
5. Gabriel Medina
Before opting out of Pipe, Gabe ranked Number 1 in these rankings (still, he probably should), but has been bumped down a little based on the uncertainty around when he is coming back. His surfing has always been more important in a jersey than outside of it, so it is a little disorienting to know that he will not be competing. Still, let’s hope he gets back and smites everyone down to re-claim his throne.
4. Italo Ferreira
Easily the most exciting surfer on Tour, Ike could prove to be a big beneficiary of Gabe dropping off Tour. The absence of a clearly superior Gabe in barreling, hollow lefts, while also probably boosting backsiders, could potentially make Ike’s surfing more appealing to the judges, as he will be the preeminent goofy on Tour with no real comparison on Tour. Without being compared to Gabe, Ferreira will look better.
If these rankings were based only on skill and ability, JJF would rank first, easily. At full-strength, as we saw in 2017 and the first half of 2019, John John is nearly unbeatable. Unfortunately, despite his focus on wellness and fitness, he appears to be injury prone, missing time each of the last three seasons due to a broken body. If only the Whoop bracelet could keep your knees from exploding…
2. Kelly Slater
Based purely on the amount of discussion he evokes around himself and whatever else the fuck he wants to talk about, Kelly is the most important surfer in the world. Unfortunately, potentially missing the Australian events, we might not see Jimmy too long on Tour this year in the water. No matter, that probably just means we’ll get to see more of that bulbous snout on-screen as part of the call-ins during the contests for faded pros, which Kelly is not, least of all in his own mind.
1. Filipe Toledo
The 2022 World Champion of the Finals at Lower Trestles.
Hey dork, can you read this?
I persuaded Kelly and the WSL to sponsor a Media Heat at Pipe this year.
They are going to invite Chas and you and Haggis Breath and Plumber’s Butt and all the snarky, sideline-sitting dorks to paddle out at good Pipe for an hour-long heat between the semis and the final of the Pipe event.
Kelly and Gabe are going to commentate as all y’all go over the falls and get shishkabobbed on the reef – now that will be good comedy.
All y’all will be there? With your Wavestorms?
Fun!
Goggle shadow ban Ben.
I know.
I’m talking to the Shadow Banners.
You saw the word “dork” right?
And it’s “Google” not “Goggle.”
Shadow Banners is a good band name.
See you at Pipe!
It’s Google, not Goggle. I know the Kiwis make a mess of their vowels, but not that much.
Brilliant summary
NonJohn will read the article tomorrow due to his affliction. In the meantime, how is so much crap “ICONIC”? Slater might meet the definition though.
He’s still a douche. When is his heat?
Excellent update on Seth “the body” Moniz. Also glad this was made a feature as it definitely deserved more than comment status!
Morgan above Jack? With all those great waves on Tour?
Welcome to the Florence and the Marine and Ke12y show
Filipe won´t even finish top 5. Mark my words Karl
Top 5 lamest body cartoons for sure!
Gabs: “Yo JJF, I’ll take the year off and cite a mental health issue changing daddy’s mid season last year, exhausting that all my parents need homes to live”
JJF: “Yeah bro, that knee injury I faked last year to give you the title is now “healed” and stop with the heart strings pull dude, I would love to have a dad free load on me”
Gabs: “How much longer do you think we can keep trading this thing without the wSl figuring it out?”
JJF: “Already handled, my girl and I will get lost at sea on our Cat and I’ll shoot enough footage to drop a new movie by the time we are “found”.
Gabs: “I can’t imagine surfing without a jersey on”
Wow, Lewis Samuels has been hiding in this comment section for this long and no one realized?
Oh wait, Lewis would have pained, taking months of installments and edits to get this posted in time for Pipe.
As far as career arc, KVF should apply to Surflie dot com and cash in on this great effort. Bravo!
(Special shout out for Chloe’s nickname, several hilarious jokes, a Drew Courtney reference (Samuel=esque) genius, and pointing out that most of the tour has no fucking shot)
Just happy the old bald fart is gonna have another crack at it, my prediction is he makes the final at pipe bribes John to throw the heat, wins and promptly retires into relative obscurity..
Robbo top 5
Karl would be more suited to ranking sandwiches
I don’t eat sandwiches… so, same.
Cheese then
Will the victim of this heist receive ad revenue from BG?
Such wasted space when we could be reading about Sophie’s latest struggles with US Skiing’s Olympic quotas, Jonah’s progress with embrassing Jerry’s body type and lifestyle, Foil Girl Erika Lane’s recovery from the shark bite and how she is leveraging her 15 mins of fame…and Ronnie G’s HB legacy
I might have been tripping yesterday KVF, but wasn’t Seth blank? It def made me chuckle
Surprised myself that I wrote the new stuff!
You really find him attractive?
Dez added it.
Yeah sure lol
Caught!
You don’t?
Understandable thoughhhhhhh……..
Can’t believe Fil is still not in Hawaii
I would love to see Kanoa punch himself in the face, and then blame it on the wave conditions.
That was a public service announcement by KVF>
JJF will win Pipe with his eyes shut. Sunset (if proper) should have a rail demon hoisting the cup(JJF,Jordy, Coffin,Fred) and will be cruel to the goofyfoots. Slater will ride a 5’5″ twin fin and look alternatingly genius/retarded.
Jack
He won there recently.
That remains to be seen. I have my doubts.
Cry is free!