Unfancied Hawaiian surfer shocks world’s best to win Sunset Beach event and steal tour lead from Kelly Slater, “Barron Mamiya has a power so evident there’s no need for theatrics, a quiet, smooth violence that greatly appeals!”

As we leave the North Shore a Hawaiian surfer who hasn’t qualified stands on top of the world, and that, ladies and gentlemen, may be an anomaly but it is not a fluke.

Finals day it was. A day where the waves will go unremembered but some sharp surfing from athletes we’re just getting to know, and perhaps beginning to love, might linger a little longer.

I worked myself into a hole early. I’d began the day with my head high and chest puffed like Ultimate Surfer Zeke Lau as he made his way to the water.

Ppppffffffff…Caio Ibelli. Both of us were thinking.

Nice run, now off home to say your prayers and comb your hair forward.

But we forgot about God.

Apparently He had infiltrated the judge’s tower. The eight-point ride awarded for Caio’s opening ride seemed like it could only have come from the land of make-believe.

Just on judging for a minute…I don’t want to dwell on it for fear of madness or smite, but it was typically erratic for the whole competition.

Why, in God’s name, can they not just get this fundamental element right? No-one’s expecting it to be perfect, but everyone expects it to be better.

They might start with a little accountability. Let’s see the judges, let’s hear from them. We want justification, transparency. You know, normal expectations of people empowered to make high-stakes decisions.

Do they review heats and produce reports? If I was an athlete or coach I’d demand it.

Or do they just get to hide in their ivory tower and toy with us? It’s no wonder god felt at home. The judging stand looked plush, like a house, said Joe. They’ve got a kitchen apparently. And presumably a massive fridge crammed full of booze.

Ultimate Surfer Zeke Lau’s loss in the first heat of the day drove a stake through my bruised and bloodied chances of redemption. After that I chased it, as you do.

Joe told us “a lot of Caio jerseys have been flying off the shelves”. It was a classic Joe Turpel segue, otherwise known as an outright lie.

Sorry if you think that’s slanderous, Joey, but I’d defy you to prove otherwise.

Barron dispatched Seth in quarter final two. I noted that Barron continued to look like he belongs here, and that was about the only thing I got right.

The WSL bucked a trend by interviewing some losers today, though notably only the nice ones. Seth Moniz spoke after his loss and appears infinitely likeable. I enjoy his surfing and the way he carries himself. Correct me if you think I’m wrong, but is he not one of the few surfers without a glaring weak spot in his game?

The universal and dizzying love affair with Ethan Ewing was in full effect next. It’s a cultish following, and although I’ve begun to understand it a little, he could become the most annoying name on Tour through no fault of his own.

Barton said we watch him surf and say aaaaaahhh, uuuhhhhhh and OOOhuuuhhhaaa…

So do the deities in the tower, apparently.

At some point Barton mentioned prizemoney. He said he’d been asked how much you got for a quarter final finish and admitted to having no idea, before finding out later it was 16k. Not bad, he reckoned. I’d disagree.

Prize money has always seemed like another big WSL hush, hush. Likely due to the embarrassing recognition that it’s utter chicken feed in comparison to other sports.

So, just to out them, here it is: $80k for a win; $45k for 2nd; $25k for a losing semi-finalist; $16k for getting to a quarter-final; $13k for going out in the round of 16; $10k for round of 32; and $9750 for a 33rd place finish.

(It bumps up slightly after the cut).

Incidentally, whilst trawling the rule book to find this, I also discovered that a surfer might be fined $2k for failing to attend a press conference if requested, including post-heat interview. This seems to give them licence to talk to the losers, particularly the sore and angry ones, and this would be a massive improvement going forward.

On hang on, there’s a slight issue with this further down the rulebook. Apparently a surfer might be fined up to $10k(!) for “using profanity on broadcast of event or media interview”.

Puritan cunts.

Which brings me to Kanoa, who dispatched Jack Robbo in the last quarter final. A shame given Robbo’s aesthetically pleasing dominance when the waves are firing, but inevitable given today’s conditions.

Kanoa surfed well today. His turn in the semi against Ethan was spectacular and he was a deserving winner. I actually thought he was underscored a bit overall in this heat and Ethan “Golden Child” Ewing was conversely overscored.

Can I tell you a secret? I don’t hate Kanoa’s surfing.

It can be sharp and clinical, maybe a little too much at times, but that’s surely nitpicking. He does carry himself a bit weird, his claims are distasteful and his fashion sense is an abomination, but I’m going to try and ignore that stuff in future. Maybe.

But the day was won by Barron Mamiya, and perhaps a little of our hearts, too.

An injury-replacement surfer stealing a win is always a good story, and whilst many would have expected the local boy to be in the mix at Pipe, few might have expected his strongest result to come just along the beach.

If the conditions were suspect for finals day, Mamiya’s surfing was not. Beyond that, he was a standout throughout the comp – big and unruly, clean and rippable, or marginal like today, Mamiya slayed it all.

Usually when an unheralded surfer goes a long way we might point to elements of luck or controversy that pushed them on, not so with Barron. I can’t remember a single score that seemed juiced or unreasonable.

It would be a tough call for the WSL to deny him the opportunity to compete for the rest of the year.

As we leave the North Shore a Hawaiian surfer who hasn’t qualified stands on top of the world, and that, ladies and gentlemen, may be an anomaly but it is not a fluke.

Barron Mamiya seems every bit a surfer we might enjoy supporting. He seemed composed, intelligent, measured. There’s something tiger-like in his demeanour, a power so evident that there’s no need for theatrics. There’s a quiet, smooth violence about his surfing that greatly appeals.

Barron’s win put me squarely even for the day but roundly trounced for the comp overall.

This morning the weather is bright and clear, a brief window of calm before the approaching storms.

I’m going splitboarding to wash off some of the filth.

See you in Portugal?