Scot (pictured) vaping. Photo courtesy OCEARCH.
Scot (pictured) vaping. Photo courtesy OCEARCH.

1600 lbs Great White Shark with ideal frat boy name moves into Florida’s warm waters ahead of Spring Break terrifying authorities: “With enough co-eds and alcohol in the mix, Scot could have a smorgasbord!”

Scary times.

It is spring break season in Florida, that time of year when college students and those who prey on college students stuff into cheap hotel rooms from Jacksonville to South Palm Beach, Tampa to Panama City consume much alcohol, attend soirees in less-than-sanitary clubs, day drink, listen to Morgan Wallen and otherwise misbehave.

In normal years it is difficult for the state’s various authorities to control the madness. This year, though, they worry spring break could become a literal, not figurative, bloodbath.

According to the non-profit marine group OCEARCH, an extremely chubby, perpetually hungry Canadian named Scot has moved just off shore in the gulf and is malingering far longer than typical or appropriate.

The 1600 lbs great white shark is a juvenile male, making things that much worse. Per CNN, “The tracker’s records show Scot is a dedicated traveler. He was first tagged in September of 2021 in Nova Scotia – where he was named in honor of the “welcoming and ocean first dedicated people” there by OCEARCH’s partners at Sea World. Scot then traveled a total of 3,910 miles down the East Coast in just 119 days. He has been relaxing around the Florida Keys and Gulf Coast since at least Valentine’s Day.”

While Scot’s razor sharp teeth and undiscerning appetite are causing much hand-wringing, it is actually his name that is most worrying to the aforementioned authorities.

“Any sorority girl away from home and looking for a good time could get lured in, thinking they were simply going on a date with a likeminded fraternity brother,” is the common refrain.

Scary times.

“Pride of Jalisco” Carlos Santana pockets almost $4 mill profit after only two years following sale of Kauai vacation home for $11.9 million!” I know the secret of life.…I am worth more than my house, my bank account, or any physical thing!”

"The most valuable possession you can own is an open heart. The most powerful weapon you can be is an instrument of peace."

The hall-of-fame guitar player behind the warm sounds of his eponymous band, Santana, has sold his redundant Anini Beach mansion on Kauai for $11.9 mill, almost four mill more than what he paid in 2020. 

Santana, who’s moved more than a hundred mill records worldwide and who is mostly famous for the karaoke hits Black Magic Woman and Oye Come Va, bought the 4000 square foot, four-bedder joint on three acres and with its own little trail to the beach, right as the market started to explode courtesy of the pandemic. 

Here’s a taste of the old place.

He ain’t moving far, howevs.

Four miles if you wanna be exact. 

Carlos has spent $20.5 mill on a wild compound twice the size of the old place in Princeville on Kauai’s North Shore, real near to where Andy Irons had his Hanalei Bomber crib (sold for four mill in 2012 ‘cause Andy’s widow was getting hit with 17 gees a year tax plus everything else, now selling for around eleven mill) and where Bruce once roamed in a giant pickup truck. 

The 5121 Hanalei Plantation Road joint has four separate pods connected via a living space in the middle that has a retractable roof. 

Also, has an infinity pool, naturally. 

The previous spent eighteen mill building the place on a $1.6 mill lot back in 2004. 

Carlos’ main home is in Vegas but he digs Kauai for its “serenity.”

Sailor Kaz gives hell!

Analysis: “Sailor Karen” clear winner in heated exchange with surfers, giving parking lot lurkers the tongue lashing they’ve long been begging for!

Non sibi sed patriae.

The greatest viral clip of the year, which dropped a mere two days ago and taken social media by wind storm, is without doubt the short featuring an exchange between a livid seawoman and a gaggle of surfers in a San Onofre-adjacent parking lot.

At first blush, “Sailor Karen” gets filed under the modern comedy “angry white gal losing mind” as she lights into California-voiced males slowly egging her on but let’s examine more closely.


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While context is obscured, we are all well aware of the car park lurkers, those surfers who mingle hours after their paddle has ended and talk and talk and etc. Beautiful folk, sometimes, but not always. Rarely in fact. Most times they are an annoying blight. A generally worthless appendage privileged enough to hang out beach-adjacent for hours. Stupid enough to do the same.

So imagine this crew was of the annoying blight varietal. Malingering etc.

Being vaguely worthless and here comes a mariner disgusted by their embarrassingly poor ship shapeliness. Also, her actual points were likely spot on. They had zero idea how the wind works. How to harness and employ. Hell, I bet not one of them could even spin an air reverse.

Oh they were begging for that tongue lashing, deserving of that tongue lashing, and we have been, perpetually, too weak to deliver but not Rear Admiral Karen.

She lit right in and put them in her place. She did it for us and should be praised.

Non sibi sed patriae.

The suit stems from the 2020 Nazaré Tow Surfing Challenge, held on February 11, 2020. During the event, Botelho was involved in the infamous jet ski crash that made international headlines, where he and his partner, Hugo Vau, were thrown more than 20 feet in the air. The chaos of the accident led Albee Layer to state, “Our lives are clickbait.”

World Surf League responds to lawsuit brought by star big-wave surfer after near-fatal wipeout during contest, “He was thrown more than 20 feet in the air…It took more than a minute for personnel to revive him.”

"He was hospitalized fifteen days and alleged further psychological injuries, including nightmares and a fear of the ocean."

The WSL has moved to compel arbitration in its suit with Alexandre Botelho, member of the Big Wave Tour. 

In February of this year, Botelho sued the WSL, along with Bill Sharp (General Manager of the Big Wave World Tour) and Scott Eggers (Safety Director of the Big Wave World Tour) in California state court for injuries sustained during the 2020 Nazaré Tow Surfing Challenge. During the event, Botelho was thrown more than 20 feet in the air when his jetski was launched after trying to drive out of the impact zone. 

Botelho landed on the ski, rendering him unconscious. He floated for almost six minutes before being pulled onto the beach.

It took more than a minute for personnel to revive him.

He was hospitalized fifteen days and alleged further psychological injuries, including nightmares and a fear of the ocean. 

Botelho alleged that the WSL “willfully and fraudulently” misrepresented its safety measures, particularly in failing to hire a rescue swimmer after promising surfers that an additional swimmer would be on hand. 

Botelho further claimed that the WSL failed to ensure necessary safety measures, including working radios and a coherent emergency strategy. 

According to the complaint, surfers did not become aware of the lack of adequate safety measures until the eve of the competition, but still signed the competition agreement due in part to costs associated with traveling, training, and perceived obligations to sponsors. 

On March 21st, the WSL filed its response and moved to compel arbitration. 

Calling the events, “an unfortunate accident” (reminding one writer of a “shark incident”) the WSL alleged that Botelho actually had access to the agreement, including the safety provisions, for “almost three months prior to the Event.”

Further, they claimed that Botelho signed the agreement “four days before the event was even greenlit.” Thus, Botelho “had months to contemplate the terms of the agreement before actually putting on a jersey and competing in the Event.” 

The WSL further noted that there were four titles awarded after the event: “Men’s Wave of the Day, Women’s Wave of the Day, Team Champions, and the Commitment Award.”

According to the WSL, in apparently a nod to the adequacy of the WSL’s safety measures, “after observing the quick and professional response of the WSL’s safety team that day, the surfers made the unprecedented decision to give the Commitment Award, not to any of the competing surfers, but to the safety team.” 

The WSL also claimed that Botelho had “received weekly payments [of thousands of dollars] under the insurance policy the WSL procured and paid for” and only filed the suit “on the eve of those payment [sic] expiring.”

Arbitration would effectively shield the litigation from public view.

If the court grants the motion, the resulting proceedings and outcome would likely remain confidential. 

More as the story develops. 

World’s fourth richest man Bill Gates infuriates laid back neighbors by moving to sleepy Southern California surf town town and erecting palatial beachfront bachelor pad!

Where the surf meets the turf war.

News has broken, this past week, concerning the world’s 4th richest man Bill Gates and his life as a freshly single man. Gates, who co-founded Microsoft as is worth some $134 billion and his wife Melinda Gates-Foundation became divorced months ago after it was revealed that the computer entrepreneur had hung about disgraced financier Jeffery Epstein last decade.

Gates-Foundation is moving forward by diving deeper into her philanthropy. Gates, it appear, is planning on getting funky.

The longtime Seattle resident has recently purchased a beachfront mansion in surf-rich* Del Mar, torn it down and is erecting a palatial bachelor pad much to the chagrin of his laid back** neighbors.

Per the New York Post:

The initial six-bedroom, 3.5-bathroom estate, which spanned 5,800 square feet, has been completely demolished and locals claim it’s being rebuilt from the ground up at the direction of the Microsoft tycoon himself.

Gates has allegedly stopped by twice in the last few months with his two bulletproof suburban security details to check on the project, according to neighbors who are not happy about all the disruptions going on.

“It’s been a nuisance,” one neighbor said.

“They make a lot of noise, my baby can’t sleep,” another neighbor explained. “It’s become a real hindrance on the whole neighborhood.”

Gates himself, it is reported, flies into neighboring Carlsbad regularly to inspect progress and possibly scouting local “talent,” if you get my drift, but there are no sightings, as of yet, of him participating in the SUP or foil life.

Will he follow the world’s 4th richest man, Mark Zuckerberg, down that primrose path or do like onetime neighbors Mitt and Ann Romney and get turned on to the ponies just inland?

Del Mar’s slogan, after all, is “where the surf meets the turf.”

More as the story develops.

*Del Mar is not surf-rich.

**His neighbors are not laid back.