"Scott Morrison is actually the biggest joke in Australian history."

The world’s greatest athlete and current world #2 surfer Kelly Slater has slammed the Australian prime minister Scott Morrison for his government’s dreadful inaction, a trademark of his administration, during calamitous flooding on the country’s north-east coast.

Morrison, who is a fifty-three-year-old  former child actor (tellingly, he played cunning pickpocket, the Artful Dodger in Oliver), is famous for holidaying in Hawaii while Australian burned during the cataclysmic bushfires of 2109.

“I don’t hold a hose, mate,” Morrison explained of his vacay during a disaster that killed almost five hundred and incinerated eighty million acres of land.

While posting messages from fans about the flooding, Slater wrote, “The lack of federal assistance in the flood zones in northern NSW has been nothing short of appalling. The stories from friends are hard to comprehend. But the gathering of local communities has been inspiring to watch from afar. So while the MP @scottmorrisonmp and cohorts pat themselves on the back or poke fun at people who ‘live in the gum trees’, the communities will continue to get on with the tasks at hand in helping their neighbors. 

Twitter and Instagram users were mostly universal in their praise of Slater’s pointed criticism.

“The greatest surfer of all time has just fly kicked the worst Prime Minster of all time,” wrote one,

although another fired back with,

“Kelly Slater is NOT the best ‘surfer’ in history … don’t you people have access to books?”

Weird.

If not Kelly, who?

"WHY YOU SHOULD NOT SURF IN FLOODED AREAS OF AUSTRALIA RIGHT NOW."

The level of shark activity in Australia is, how do you say, off the hook, off the charts?

How would you describe it?

Last month a swimmer was bitten in half by a fifteen-foot Great White at Little Bay, a few clicks north of Maroubra Beach; today a surfer had to fight off a shark at Maroubra.

Yesterday a swimmer was rammed by a Great White at a popular surf beach in Western Australia; a few weeks ago a girl on an inflatable toy was bitten in the guts by a Great White, in September last year, a surfer was killed near Coffs Harbour; a few months before that another surfer was killed in a shallow-water attack by a Great White at Tuncurry a few hours south; before that, fifteen-year-old Mani Hart-Deville at Wooli, dead, Rob Pedretti, Kingscliff, dead, Laeticia, dead, Gary, dead, Sharpy, dead, Paul, all dead. Killed by Great Whites in the space of a couple of years.

Shortly before the latest attack, over on Instagram @sharkgirlmadison was warning of the likelihood of attacks, not by Great White, but by Bulls.

“IT’S A DANGEROUS TIME TO SURF. Please be safe. Tag a surfer friend…”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Madison Stewart (@sharkgirlmadison)

Lifeguards have cleared the water at Maroubra, beach closed.

Once again it seems God is the only man with a more inexplicable interest in pro surfing than Dirk Ziff.

Let’s see the wood rather than the trees and not look for poetry where there’s clearly none.

Let’s just be frank.

Those finals were fucking boring.

The world’s best were castrated by the conditions like orcas at Seaworld. They forced themselves to perform a few pumps then a flaccid air. Sometimes they were made, often they were not. Never did they have much verve or drama.

Is it just me or do surfers in general lack a little imagination when it comes to airs?

I’m no expert, and while I like watching the likes of Italo and Filipe’s ariel surfing, I don’t love it. It’s a bit too predictable and repetitive, 360-ish rotations frontside or backside, distinguished only by moderate degrees of height and how clean the landing is.

Not that interesting.

What about some variations in grabs? Some tweaking here or there?

It would’ve been fun to surf today.

Peniche sparkled in the morning sun and little glassy runners at Supertubos looked nothing like the reason we hold World Championship Tour events there, but everything like the days most of us surf for.

I think this is the mealy-mouthed point Kaipo was trying to make when Pete shut him down and we were treated to a brilliant few seconds of awkwardness.

If you’ll allow me to paraphrase for clarity, Kaipo thought the performances we were seeing were relatable to all surfers.

“Well, if they can get above the lip,” Pete noted bluntly.

Kaipo drew breath as if about to speak, twice.

But he was flummoxed. Entirely lost for words.

He just stared in silence, his face painted with the mild strain of a man pushing out a big shite.

If tiny, inconsequential waves to tickle the fancy of amateur surfers wasn’t befitting of finals day, then at least we had four of the men best equipped to do special things in marginal conditions, right?

You might reasonably have thought so.

But the best wave of the day was to be Italo’s backside rotation at the opening of the first semi-final. It was clean and ominous. A typical power move that Italo often pulls first thing in a heat then repeats and repeats until his opponent crumbles in the face of sheer energy.

The 8.83 awarded seemed reasonable, but his board died on the landing. The board he swapped out for was a dog. He was out of sorts, out of rhythm, couldn’t make a thing.

Strider pointed out that not all boards feel the same, and while we can surely agree with this, I think too much is made of it in the modern day.

Far more foibles exist in the mind rather than the fabric of the board.

Nothing interesting happened beyond Italo’s board break which snapped the energy of the heat. Both surfers sat apart, either content to let the other do his thing, or in such a deep state of loathing that they couldn’t tolerate the same airspace.

I have no evidence, but I strongly suspect it’s the latter.

Filipe and Italo may be countrymen but they don’t appear to be friends. There was no handshake at the end. There wasn’t even eye-contact.

Italo sat in his jersey long after the heat was done, silent and seething.

Can we make something of this please, WSL?

It’s a rivalry that could make for some interesting competition. God knows we need it.

What’s wrong with Italo anyway? Maybe he needs to re-find the joy and stop taking himself so seriously.

Who are his friends on Tour? He often seems to cut a solo figure, not part of any crew, surfing alone in the dark, only ever seen with his girlfriend or coach.

He looks very much like a man who’s drawn a circle around himself many miles away from the person he once was.

Griffin beat John in the second semi-final in entirely unremarkable fashion. Florence seemed as deflated by the conditions as we were. There was a lackadaisical tone to his efforts, as if he’d thrown in the towel before he’d paddled out.

Meanwhile, Griffin was applauding himself for smashing out a few backhand turns on a one-foot wave. It wasn’t very zen and more than a little embarrassing. John felt it, too.

I’ll refer you to my predictions of yesterday about John sticking with it. A few more heats like these will surely kill his motivation once and for all.

And would you blame him?

I enjoyed hearing the Brazilian surfers speak their native language during this comp. I think it tells you something about a person to hear them speak in their own tongue. How long have we known Filipe now, and we’ve never heard him speak anything other than slightly Americanised English? You lose something of a person like this.

The final between Griffin and Filipe was so uneventful I can’t think of a single thing to note other than what the two men did to prepare.

Filipe hosted a prayer meeting, apparently.

Once again it seems God is the only man with a more inexplicable interest in pro surfing than Dirk Ziff.

Griffin did calisthenics and ate strawberry laces, presumably.

The WSL curtain of silence was pulled regarding wave quality.

Make no mistake, friends, with six full days remaining in the waiting period and the forecast significantly improved over the past 24 hours, the WSL have seriously fucked this up. Solid swell is on the way with variable but light winds and the potential for offshores and some very clean conditions. Go have a look.

Besides, when did this stop being a mobile event?

There are a ton of quality beachbreaks to the north of the peninsula that are offshore when the wind isn’t ideal at Supertubos.

Why not move there? It’s been done in the past.

Griffin being chaired up the beach amid a thin, apathetic crowd (barring one close friend who screamed repeatedly) was an enduring image of how desolate pro surfing can be when the WSL make basic errors.

Priority number one is facilitating the right conditions for performance by making good calls, and in Portugal this was not done.

And what of my favourite elephant in the room? What of Gabriel Medina?

I miss him more than ever.

Looking at his recent Instagram feed vs what we’ve just seen in Portugal it would seem like he has no regrets tonight. How ironic would it be if he has packed it in for good? It would be in stark defiance of everyone’s expectations and judgements of his character. But if you don’t create the conditions for the likes of Gabby and John to show what they can do then you risk losing them.

Does Medina go to Australia, do you think? The current ratings still seem primed for him to join late and slot in as if he’s never been away. I hope so.

Come home soon, Gabby.

The current top five surfers in the world are Kanoa Igarashi, Kelly Slater, Barron Mamiya, Filipe Toledo and Seth Moniz.

How do you feel about that?

MEO Pro Portugal Presented by Rip Curl Men’s Semifinals Results:
SF 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 13.67 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 12.66
SF 2: Griffin Colapinto (USA) 12.40 def. John John Florence (HAW) 10.50

MEO Pro Portugal Presented by Rip Curl Women’s Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) 12.34 def. Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 12.00
SF 2: Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA) 10.76 def. Carissa Moore (HAW) 10.17

MEO Pro Portugal Presented by Rip Curl Men’s Final Results:
1 – Griffin Colapinto (USA) 14.34
2 – Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.20

MEO Pro Portugal Presented by Rip Curl Women’s Final Results:
1 – Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA) 15.33
2 – Lakey Peterson (USA) 14.27

Men’s Top 5:
1) Kanoa Igarashi
2) Kelly Slater
3) Barron Mamiya
4) Filipe Toledo
5) Seth Moniz

Women’s Top 5:
1) Brisa Hennessy
2) Carissa Moore
3) Lakey Peterson
4) Tatiana Weston-Webb
5) Malia Manuel