"I bet you don't even know how the wind works."

Very many of my favorite things happened to collide in a Southern California parking lot, presumably San Onofre, recently and all captured to film. The scene is picked up in its middle when a woman with jet black hair held back by sunglasses and a black vest, pant combination approaches what sound to be a gaggle of surfers, pointing and saying, “You need to get out of here, I already told you once. Get the fuck out. Get in your car, drive the fuck away and never come back here again. Not once.”

It is unclear what was done, which bit of bad behavior to deserve the tongue whipping, creating much tension.

One of the offenders, in any case, asks, “Have you ever been to this beach before?” and Karen gets set right off.

“Have I ever been to this beach before?” face twisting gorgeously, rage-filled sarcasm dripping from every not-so-subtle movement “Have you ever been to Church’s* or Lowers or Middles?” then something about going left, telling them all they could never do it.

“Are you a surfer?” is the next question proffered, shooting the exchange to the moon.

“Am I a surfer?” voice breaking “I’M A SAILOR, BITCH! You can’t sail. I bet you don’t even know how the wind works!”

And end.

But is this not the best piece of surf-adjacent cinema that has been released in a decade? Maybe two? Hollywood’s finest actors, save Jonah Hill, would not be able to reprise with any more glory.

Though, for which side will you fight in the coming surfer vs. sailor wars?

A difficult choice.

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*Yes, yes, we all know it is “Church” not “Church’s.”

Boardroom to beach.

Oh but the World Surf League has done it again, and by “done it again” I mean lost out on a thrilling new television program exploring the world of surf. But have you heard of “Barons?” A surf and business drama that will premier this very week over Australian, I think, air?

According to Variety, “Barons is an upscale, but easily approachable, eight-part series that examines what happens when money gets muddled with friendship. The 1970s-set beaches-to-boardroom rivalry story is fictional, but parallels the establishment of the real-world Billabong and Quiksilver surf-wear labels.”

The industry publication sat down across show creator Mick Lawrence and asked how he became inspired to which he answered, “I picked up a book at the airport called ‘Salts and Suits,’ which was a very dry business book by a journalist that I had known called Phil Jarratt. It’s not an absolute roaring yawn or a page turner. But what it did have was the really fun kind of direction as to how the surf industry was built from 1970s. How they turned the idea of a surf lifestyle into a multi-billion-dollar industry.”

A little rude to Jarratt, no? The “a very dry business book by a journalist I had known” dig?

In any case, the first season will cover the 1970s and feature Torquay, I think, which is nicknamed Velcro Valley, then, if all goes well, roll out four more seasons featuring the 1980s, 1990s and 2000s.

“The 80s and 90s are crazy as far as the characters and the decadence in that time,” Lawrence adds.

Exciting but back to our World Surf League. Isn’t this the sort of business WSL Studios was supposed to be producing before its untimely demise?

Another swing. Another miss, I suppose.

Watch the teaser here.