Robinsonho.

The Brazilian-ification of Jack Robinson leads to stratospheric rise propelling young Australian to possible first world title and fulfillment of heavy childhood destiny!

By Chas Smith

2 years ago

Green and golden hair.

Aside from never-before-seen growth across all platforms and the poaching of top-level NBA talent, the greatest story of this 2022 World Surf League season, even eclipsing Kelly Slater’s Pipeline win at near 50-years young, is that of Jack Robinson. The Western Australian currently sits at number two in the world, having taken two events already and possibly on the way to fulfilling his childhood destiny.

But imagine being born a prodigy. Being born with the weight of wild expectations on your shoulders. That you would, someday, be The One.

I was never going to be The One unless “The One” refers to a surf journalist who can badger certain folk in the surf industry into eventually responding then writing volumes about that interaction, cornering them with a barrage of dumb so fast and furious that early round knockout becomes all but guaranteed.

15 – 0.

Robinson, though, was it. A talent so prodigious that even the most short-sighted could see his arc. Except the weight of wild exception is heavy and Robinson seemingly faltered, or seemingly faltered until this year. His rocket to the top-adjacent is, again, is the greatest story of the year but to what can it be attributed?

The answer is simple.

Jack Robinson has been Brazil-ified. From marrying into the wonderful heritage to dying his hair blonde to publicly working out on Instagram to Sharp Eye surfboards to surfing with a purpose, back-paddling etc., the Man from Margaret River is now within striking distance of his first world title.

Genius.

Genius to smell a winner and get onboard. Like Kevin Durant joining the Golden State Warriors in 2016.

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, talk about that particular genius and other things too. I can’t remember. I’m jet lagged. Enjoy.

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@curvysurfergirl Instagram

Activist struts through New York’s Times Square wearing nothing but pink bikini; uses surfboard as cudgel to bash body-positive message over un-evolved heads!

By Chas Smith

2 years ago

The spice of life!

It ain’t the 1940s anymore, Bub, in case you’ve been hiding under a rock. We live in a brave new world where passive racism, sexism, paternalism are no longer “hip” or “cool” and those who practice such thinkings get deservedly shamed. Very un-chill to believe, for example, that there is one standard for beauty and all people should strive to fit into that cramped box.

To bash this truth over somehow still un-evolved heads, body-positive activist Elizabeth Sneed waltzed into New York’s very crowded Times Square, days ago, wearing only a hot pink bikini and carrying a triple stinger’d longboard to use as weapon of truth and justice. A cudgel of enlightenment, as it were.

Sneed, who creates content under the moniker Curvy Surfer Girl on social media, says, “I want the world to know women with curves are surfers & athletes. What better place than New York City to show the world.”

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A post shared by Elizabeth (@curvysurfergirl)

I am not a massive New York City fan so can think of better places to be but that un-evolved thinking misses the point entirely. Her fans, on Instagram, thrilled at the move, one writing, “My inner little girl is so grateful to you.” And another declaring, “Loving this and what it’s doing for our surf culture.”

It thrilled my inner girl, too, as variety is the spice of life. Lineups choked with middle-aged men, hair medium length, of medium build, wearing black neoprene, riding pointy thrusters so dull.

Gag me with a spoon.

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Member of global surf community and newly minted CFO Jason Eckert. (Courtesy WSL)

In move that sends shockwaves through sporting community, World Surf League poaches top-level National Basketball Assoc. executive as new Chief Financial Officer!

By Chas Smith

2 years ago

Winning time.

Days ago, World Surf League Chief Executive Officer Erik Logan delivered a stunning interview in which he shed light on the crazy robust growth the aforementioned WSL is currently experiencing. Percentages up by double to triple digits across all categories from “consumption of the product” to “brand relationships” to “viewership.”

Wild wins that must have other professional sport leagues turning their corporate heads and looking. Especially turning their corporate heads and looking with the recent poaching of top-tier executive talent from the booming National Basketball Association.

Per the press release, “The World Surf League announced today that Jason Eckert has joined the league as its new Chief Financial Officer, reporting to WSL CEO Erik Logan. Eckert joins the WSL after nearly 15 years at the National Basketball Association, most recently serving as Vice President, Head of Finance and Strategy EMEA. During his NBA tenure, Eckert held progressive leadership positions within the NBA’s Finance department in both New York and London.”

Eckert’s wins at the NBA included “the formation and capital raise of NBA China” and the “formation and capital raise of NBA Africa.”

Logan said, “I’m thrilled to welcome Jason to the WSL team. His rich professional experience, as well as his personal investment in our sport, will be invaluable as we continue to grow a global business and make professional surfing one of the premier sports in the world. The WSL is in the midst of a truly breakout 2022 season, with growth in nearly every area of our business. Jason is going to help us invest our resources strategically and efficiently to build on that momentum and capitalise on this moment.”

Eckert responded, “As a member of the global surf community, I couldn’t be more excited to step into this role during a transformational time for the WSL. Having watched from afar as Erik and the WSL team have built a business truly capable of transforming the world of professional surfing, I can’t wait to leverage my experience to contribute to our collective success.”

I’m going to start calling myself a “member of the global surf community” instead of a “surfer” from now on.

Winning talk.

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Three of the best colour comms in the game, Smoking Joe, Chris "The Crippler" Cote and Pistol Pete Mel.

Comment live, opening round, Oi Rio Pro, Brazil, “Contest to go ahead despite Latin surf fans warning of mass protests and issuing gruesome death threats to world #3!”

By Derek Rielly

2 years ago

Showdown in Brazil!

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Newcastle folk hero and famed sex pot “Mullet Lord” saved from certain death during catastrophic wipeout by twenty-year-old surf helmet, “I’ve had this Gath since I was eleven and a mate left it at my house! My chin was folded into my neck!”

By Derek Rielly

2 years ago

"I'm a thrillseeker but I've kids, a wife and a bunch of businesses so I need my head.”

The air becomes naturally electric around Mullet Lord aka Daniel Brown, cafe owner, espresso martini mix wholesaler, sex pot and wild slab hunter.

Brown self-describes as “a thrillseeker. And my wife knows what happens when I get in the surf when the surf’s up. If I’m going when it’s big I have to wear a helmet. I’ve got kids, a wife and a bunch of businesses so I need my head.”

In the wave wave pictured below, a secret below-sea level bone-crusher on the NSW South Coast, Brown was “launched out in front of it. I thought I’d be exploded back up with the whitewash, but I was drawn down so fast I hit the back of my Gath on the reef. It bent my head down and folded my chin into my neck. It hit my upper spine as well.”

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A post shared by Daniel Brown (@mullet_lord)

The helmet was a leftover from when he was a kid and his pal forget to take it home one day. Brown moved from the neighbourhood, never saw the kid again, and kept the Gath.

“The Gath actually took the impact so well. My head was fine. It was just my neck getting pressed into the chin and the pressure of my neck bending so much. But, my actual head, no bruise whatsoever. It’s an old Gath but it’s served me well.”

The day before he’d had worn one of his Billabong impact vests. He figured it was a little smaller the following morn so didn’t put it on. What he didn’t take into account was the long-period swell as masking the eight-to-ten-foot bombs that were hitting the reef.

“Wish I’d worn it, especially when I hit my spine. I deadset thought I’d broken my back and when I came up. I had hair sticking out through the cracks in my helmet, I got a mad mullet cranking, and everyone was laughing. I said, ‘Yeah, I just cracked my head on the reef.’ Their smiles turned to frowns. I got someone to touch my spine, to see if there were any broken vertebrae.”

A few minute later, an even bigger set loomed.

“There’s eight-foot slabs and you could get the wave of your life,” he says. “There was no way I was going in. It was a proper bomb and I was in the right spot. But that wave was so big it went mutant.”

Brown hit the reef again, this time on his thigh.

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A post shared by Daniel Brown (@mullet_lord)

“I have a true love for this sport, he says, listing recent slab-hunting injuries, including a smashed shoulder and a ripped MCL.

“Deadset, if I didn’t have that Gath on and I was back in hospital I would’ve been so depressed. When I can’t surf I get depressed. I may as well look like a crash-test dummy and prevent injuries. If I can’t surf and I get depressed no one wants to be around me. Deadset, armour up when the surf is big, out there always.”

Brown can sure feel his away around a folding sandwich, something even Kelly Slater approves of, liking this video where he cavorts at an extraordinary ledge.

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A post shared by Daniel Brown (@mullet_lord)

The mullet, he says, is a symbol of freedom.

“I used to work in hospitality where you have to have collar-length hair. I started my own thing and now I don’t have to shave, I can have a mo, a mullet and no one’s telling me I can’t. It’s a good reminder of not taking anything too seriously. If I’m depressed, I look in the mirror at my head and have a good laugh, like, what are you taking so seriously? We’re here for fun and games! In my head, I’m just an Aussie bogan and this is the haircut that chose me.”

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Eat beach grit spam!