Pure man.
Pure man.

World’s favorite professional surf commentator Barton Lynch stops shaving face, sprouts most magnificent beard since John “Grizzly” Adams!

Pure man.

Each of us, here, have opinions about facial hair. We see men, or women, walking down the street featuring goatee, mutton chops, a handlebar, amish beard and wonder how it might work but are often too set in our ways to deviate. Derek Rielly, for example, has been rocking the Don Johnson 5 o’clock shadow impeccably for as long as I have known him. I have carried versions of the director, or pencil, mustache for the last decade. The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater always and forever clean, zero hint of sprout from tip of head to Adam’s apple.

Barton Lynch, the world’s greatest surf commentator, usually appears before us in the booth as fresh as a baby, rosy cheeks, sparkling eyes but look at this most glorious transformation. At this best style transition surfing has seen in decades.

I have not seen a beard so fine since John “Grizzly” Adams graced television screens in the late 1970s and don’t know how/why Lynch’s sometime employer, the World Surf League, is not demanding his services each and every contest. Paying him double, in fact, for a beard like that is pure magic and would certainly rescue sagging viewership numbers.

Or is his hirsute the reason that he has not been invited into the booth of late? Too much pure man in the day and age of borderless gender?

Much to ponder.

Medina and not-real gal. | Photo: @gabrielmedina

Newly minted singleton and world champion surfer Gabriel Medina celebrates Lovers Day in Brazil by passionately kissing augmented reality girlfriend!

Watch sultry video of Medina and not-real gal here!

June twelve, I suppose you know, is the Dia dos Namorados, Lover’s Day, in Brazil. 

Like V-Day in the west, gifts of candy, flowers and rechargeable sex toys are handed to the primary lover in one’s multi-ethnic and gender diverse stable. 

And it falls on June 12 ‘cause the following day is Saint Anthony’s Day and Ant is noted for blessing marriages and so on. February fourteen ain’t so good in Brazil ‘cause it’s carnivale and everyone is guts and throat deep in cock, pussy, ass.

Anyway, Gabriel Medina, three-time world champ, newly single after his  one-year marriage to Sports Illustrated model Yasmin Brunet ended earlier this year, took  to Instagram to dispel any worries he might be lonely on this very special day by exchanging kisses with an augmented reality lover. 

Currently single, Medina, who is twenty-eight, has been linked to a variety of celebrities since the breakup, including TikTok star Vanessa Lopes, model Gabriela Versiani, Jade Picon and actor Isis Valverde. 


Brunet, meanwhile, told fans the special date would be “my first single Lover’s  Day in ten years”. 

The just-turned thirty four year old was in an on-off relationship with Evandro Soldati from 2005 until 2020 and Medina until earlier this year. 


Swell forecasting titans clash over wave size for El Salvador event, “Magic Seaweed says two-foot, Surfline promises eight-to-ten-foot… who to trust?”

"I’m genuinely excited about a brand new location. Less so the forecast, which is, once again, sub-optimal. Though that depends on who you believe."

How’s your knowledge of mid 00s UK faux-indie music?

I’ve had Athlete’s song “El Salvador” firmly lodged in my head since last week.

Fly to El Salvador

I don’t know why and I don’t know what for

Clearly Kelly couldn’t get past the chorus either.

It’s a mark of how irrelevant Athlete are/were that I couldn’t figure out who the song was by for ages. All I knew was the chorus, over and over, and I didn’t remember El Salvador was actually the song title. I was sure it was part of a song by Gomez, from 1998’s “Bring It On”, which would’ve been vastly preferable. But at least it reminded me of that album.

Leaving high school, world at my feet…

I do wonder, sometimes, if it’s just nostalgia, or if things really were good then. They were different, certainly.

But objectively I’m not sure it was any better. And in many ways it was almost certainly worse.

But so it goes with aging. We yearn for a past that may or may not have existed.

There’s probably no point in trying to have a discussion about music with you lot, though, is there?

I never understood why the US and Australia always seemed about ten years behind the scene, but there we are.

Not so in New Zealand, apparently.

(They were 20 years behind).

Except for one man.

Did you know that everyone’s favourite omniscient and benevolent moderator once had dinner with the greatest drummer of several generations? Owing to an ex girlfriend who worked in the music industry, as I understand, our own Negatron once shared drinks and football banter with Reni from the Stone Roses.

Well past peak Roses, of course. But nevertheless, for me that shits over most celebrity interactions I can imagine.

Aside from journeyman Moroccan pro, Ramzi Boukhiam, sharing spliffs, a hot tub and potentially bodily fluids with Rihanna. That tops anything – or anyone – Slater ever did.

Anyway, El Salvador.

I’m genuinely excited about a brand new location. Less so the forecast, which is, once again, sub-optimal.

Though that depends on who you believe.

Magicseaweed say 2-3ft, maxing out at 4-6ft on Wednesday/Thursday.

Swellnet says “a great run of swell is due through the first week of the waiting period.” (But they tell lies, as we know.)

Surfline are calling 8-10ft for Wednesday and Thursday.

All agree the wind’s potentially quite shit.

Who to trust?

If the waves do show, this event could be very, very good. As a right point that offers hollow sections, we should be able to see most people surf to their strengths. Theoretically.

You’d be hard-pushed to look past Filipe, but if you did, look to Italo to get some redemption for a lacklustre season so far, especially if the wind offers a little push for airs.

Otherwise I like the chances of Ethan having his first CT win, or Jordy having his first in a long time.

Who lights up the Central American point for you?

Let’s talk…

There’s money on the line.

Just one more beer...
Just one more beer...

World Surf League shocks professional sport pundits, moral majority by renewing longterm deal with Corona even after cheating rampantly with multiple other beer brands!

Dirty business.

The World Surf League is many things including beleaguered, inept, absurd, silly but it is, above all, a serial beer polyamorist. The home of professional surfing since 1976 by way of 2013 has hopped into bed with Michelob Ultra, Coopers, 805 and Corona but to name a few trysts leaving sport pundits open-jawed.

How do they do it?

What is the draw?

Well, those selfsame watchdogs became even more confused and/or concerned when, days ago, it was announced that the aforementioned Corona has agreed to a multi-year deal with the WSL even knowing all the infidelity.

Per the wedding announcement:

The World Surf League (WSL) today announced the renewed global partnership with Corona, an AB InBev global brand, as the Official Beer Partner (outside Australia and USA) of the WSL Championship Tour (CT) for the next three years.

In addition to being the Official Beer Partner, Corona is the title partner of Stop No. 9 on the 2022 CT, the Corona Open J-Bay, as well as the presenting partner of the upcoming Surf City El Salvador Pro Presented by Corona (Stop No. 7) and the Oi Rio Pro Presented by Corona (Stop No. 8). Corona’s support also extends to the Challenger Series, where they are the title partner of the Corona Saquarema Pro Presented by Banco do Brasil.

“The global Corona brand has been part of the WSL family since 2016 and we continue to strengthen that relationship,” said Cherie Cohen, WSL Chief Revenue Officer. “Corona shares our passion for the beach, and the strength of their presence globally, and particularly in Latin America, makes this such a powerful partnership. We are both deeply vested in protecting our ocean and our work this season reflects that with much more to come.”

Corona and WSL share a long-standing commitment towards protecting the world’s oceans. For the first time, Corona has officially partnered with WSL PURE as part of the We Are One Ocean initiatives across the Championship Tour. Most recently at the Quiksilver and ROXY Pro G-Land, Corona supported the expansion of the NGO Sungai Watch to build an ambitious river interception program that will prevent 100 tons of plastic from ending up in the ocean. Corona also partnered with WSL PURE grantee, Surf Conservation Partnership, to expand the initiative to establishing up-cycling facilities with local communities and surf camps.

“Corona is a brand that was born on the beach, so it’s only natural that we’ve been a favorite brand of surfers and a part of surf lifestyle for decades,” said Felipe Ambra, Global Vice President of Corona. “We are so excited to work with WSL to bring the Championship Tour to El Salvador, and we really believe in the incredible growth opportunities for the sport in Latin America. This is an exciting time for pro surfing and we are thrilled to be part of it.”

Is Corona abused? Does it think the WSL will change?

Any cut-rate therapist would advise that once a cheater always a cheater and it’s sad that Corona has denigrated itself so but let’s be here for it at the inevitable crash and Bud. Let’s love unconditionally.

David Lee Scales and I did not discuss Corona during our weekly chat, in any case, though I am in the spiritual home of beer. Germany, man. What a place. We did discuss Swellnet’s perversion, though.


Listen here. You know you want to.

Latinx Cuckquean Shakira makes online overture to surfing superstar Kelly Slater following public breakdown of marriage to cheating Barcelona soccer star husband Gerard Piqué!

Hip-swinging Colombian seeks vaguely injured surfing superstar for hot times.

Who would dare argue against Kelly Slater’s bona fides as the sport’s most gorgeous practitioner?

Yeah, brave little Kalani Robb came close for a time in the nineties, both men and women swooning over his freaky rectus abdominis and mixed-race handsomeness, sexpot groupies fighting to hump his wet stump.

But its Kelly Slater, even in his fifty-first year, who still puts the world’s most beautiful women into a creaming frenzy.

Enter Shakira Ripoll, the Colombian-born singer famous for dance hit Hips Don’t Lie and the theme song for the 2010 soccer World Cup, Waka Waka (This Time for Africa.)

Shakira, who is forty-five, took up with soccer star Gerard Piqué at the tournament, the couple bred a couple of kids, before Piqué split in recent weeks for a gal half her age.

Anyway, hell hath no fury etc and Shakira has wasted no time in following a bevy of the world’s hottest middle-aged superstars on Instagram, including Henry Cavill, Scott Eastwood, Chris Evans but, for our purposes, and most importantly, Kelly Slater.

It’s a dead end for the cuckquean songstress for Slater is steadfastly devoted to his “Chinese girlfriend” Kalani Miller. 

The pop sensation and 12-time Latin Grammy winner ain’t a stranger to surfing, however.

She is a visitor to Wavegarden’s test pool in the Basque Country, and is fiercely anti-VAL, warning her kids, “Don’t ‘Wait Up’ to surf at 40 when you can start at 6.”