Heartbreak hotel.

There is fourteen-some hours, at time of writing, until the kickoff of the Surf City El Salvador Pro brought to you by Dirk Ziff and excitement hangs heavy in the banana-scented air. Many storylines to follow. For example, John John Florence and his tragic knee injury, Gabriel Medina’s return to tour, mid-way, in order to run the table and win at San Clemente, the world’s most decorated surfer, and its greatest draw, withdrawing citing injury.

Slater was last seen, here, celebrating World Ocean Day by spinning gorgeously at Uluwatu there on Bali otherwise known as the Isle of the Gods.

Ageless.

The north-of-fifty year-old professional looked ageless but, apparently, he somehow became hurt and has therefore withdrawn from Central America’s first championship tour event in… years?

Decades?

North of fifty years?

Difficult to say as it is difficult to pry true information from behind the World Surf League’s patented Wall of Positive Noise™. Did that thing ever get spackled right up in nearby G-Land or what?

The Apple TV smash Make or Break threatened to break the absurd rosy outlook but then 2 foot (3 German male lower leg) Grajagan got sold as “the best contest of the year” and boom.

Back.

Slater’s injury has yet to be announced but it may have to do with not wanting to go to El Salvador during rainy season.

Wet.

Will the 11x champ head to J-Bay, the next tour stop, in order to defend his current number 15 slot?

Currently more questions than answers.

Poetry a half century in the making.

But are you fifty years young, puttering around the mini golf course, maybe, banking shots near the cup and feeling talented? Running three blocks down the street in order to hand the mailman a letter and beaming pride? Mowing the lawn in one go without a water or toilet break and thinking you may, just might, be the one to beat Father Time?

Well, Kelly Slater, the most accomplished professional surfer ever and current world number fifteen was recently on the holy isle of Bali, plying his trade, throwing tail high air reverses that would make John John Florence blush.

He is now well over the half century mark old.

It must be assumed that he is either now, or will soon be, in El Salvador to participate in the hours-away Surf City El Salvador Pro, maybe on a very fancy yacht, but it would behoove us all to celebrate World Ocean Day by simply gazing at his artistry.

Could you do such flair on a wave at even forty?

Thirty?

Here’s to World Ocean Day and also to the fountain of youth (Syrian heritage).

But, quickly, how did you celebrate? It was on June 8th and I think woefully under-advertised.

Sad.

Perfection from the heel of das boot up to das knee.

I am currently sitting down to a breakfast of poached eggs in hollandaise, asparagus dusted with chili, pancakes smothered in rhubarb in Germany’s vibrant Berlin. Delicious. Last night, it was the Sleeping Beauty at the Deutch Oper performed with exceptional flair by the Staatsballet. Phenomenal (more later). And there may be nothing this country can do wrong including unlocking the long-debated mystery of how to most accurately measure wave height.

Ahhh the German male’s lower leg. Say it loud and there’s music playing. Say it soft and it’s almost like praying. Scientists from the United States discovered the secret after teutonic Sebastian Steudnter achieved number one surfer in the world status by riding its largest wave. But how to measure? Yes, his lower leg and debates were instantly settled from the low-balling Hawaiian isles to the utterly insane offices of Surfline.

But the bend of history is moving toward automatization. You certainly recall the American folk tale where John Henry, a steel drivin’ man, took on a steam machine in a race to see who could pound the most railway stakes into the ground. Henry won but died in so doing.

And now an evil unmanned drone has set upon the beautiful German male’s lower leg. From industry source Drone DJ:

Meteorologist Teddy Allen and algorithm expert Milan Curic are the driving force behind Henet Wave, a startup they created using a sensor packing drone to accurately measure the size of waves their fellow surfers can never, but ever agree on. The pair has attracted other swell riders and geek-inclined teammates to develop their technique of deploying a UAV equipped with a high-resolution altimeter and sophisticated GPS monitor over breakers. The results have been accurate readings of liquid dimension are currently “calculated” with too much pure eyeballing to be entirely reliable.

The duo formed Henet – from the Egyptian for “pelican”– in 2020 after reading an article about a women’s big wave surfing competition. The piece debated aspects of how winners of competitions were determined, with the element of size oddly being less of a factor than “making” the giant swells – that is, riding them all the way to the end.

“To us the bigger debate should have been the ability to differentiate between a 73-foot wave and a 69-foot wave using subjective methods,” the startup’s website recalls, with Allen and Curic immediately deciding approximative appreciation was flawed to begin with. “Henet was born… (and now) guides surfers into the new world of purely objective real time XXL wave measurement.”

Damn the machine.

Long live the German male’s lower leg.