Shakira (pictured) on board but with no instructor.
Shakira (pictured) on board but with no instructor.

As football stud Gerard Pique allegedly seeks reconciliation with estranged songbird Shakira, heartbroken surfers worldwide bemoan fate of sexy surf instructor!

Troublingly Gatsby-eque.

Spanish news is reporting that Gerard Pique, defensive back for the Barcelona Football Club, has just broken off his affair with a waitress and is allegedly hoping to reconcile with his estranged wife, the chanteuse, Shakira. Normally this sort of twist would be, should be, embraced by the public. A family being stitched back together again. Love reigning. But surfers around the world are increasingly heartbroken by events as they are unfolding.

You will certainly recall in the very heat of allegations surfacing that all was not well in the Pique-Shakira household, potential infidelities etc. that Shakira absconded to Spain’s north in order to be healed by the therapeutic properties of surfing. There she worked, diligently, smile beginning to present on her face but only after a mysterious sexy surf instructor entered the scene did that smile explode like fireworks.

The unnamed man helped the multi-platinum selling artist smooth her frontside flow and clearly cheered her heart. Surf fans wondered if it was possible that a Jonah Hill-esque fairytale might be playing out before our very eyes. Hill, you celebrate, met and fell in love with his own surf instructor. The two now live together and post adorable selfies on important days.

A dream that we all have for Shakira but now in light of reconciliation maybe dashed upon the rock. Life imitating art. Oh not Jonah Hill beautiful craftsmanship but rather F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Great Gatsby where, at the end, the philandering husband wins and the bold lover is shot dead.

Light a candle, tonight, for the sexy surf instructor.

“I feel like the short concept, the less is more concept, denies the performance to become a dance. It stops it from having the ability to link in what the entirety of the wave’s opportunity on offer and create some art with it."

World’s favourite surf commentator Barton Lynch releases wildly profound guide to upcoming J-Bay event, “The less is more concept denies the performance to become a dance and the dance is what we’ll get back at Jeffrey’s Bay!”

And introduces the “distinct length of ride stigma”, a judging determination where two turns can now beat a mile-long ride.

Although currently benched from the WSL’s commentary lineup, the world champ Barton Lynch has released the essential guide to the upcoming J-Bay Pro, his opinions like homing warheads with atomic loads.

Lynch explains why Ethan Ewing, one of the most skilful men in the graceful art of rail-surfing needs to evolve his aerial surfing to match the Brazilians, and draws comparisons between the Brazilian dominance of modern professional surfing with the heat delivered by Australian pro’s in the eighties.


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There is the “distinct length of ride stigma”, he says, a judging determination where two turns can now beat a mile-long ride.

“I want the long ones, I want the longest wave I can get, the longest tube I can get, I’m not about short anything in that sense,” says Lynch. “I feel like the short concept, the less is more concept, denies the performance to become a dance. It stops it from having the ability to link in what the entirety of the wave’s opportunity on offer and create some art with it. Something that is absolutely beautiful, that is magic surfing. As opposed to a quick gymnastic vault where you run up and throw the vault and you get the score…The dance is what we’ll get back at Jeffreys Bay.”


Miley-Dyer (pictured) in no hurry.
Miley-Dyer (pictured) in no hurry.

Opening of Corona Open J-Bay, hours away, thrown into wrenching doubt as World Surf League SVP of Tours, Head of Competition, remains missing in action: “Still here Rio. I’m never leaving Brazil!”

Grab the stress ball.

Fans of professional surfing at its highest level could not be more excited for the upcoming Corona Open J-Bay which is set to kick off in South Africa in less than 48 hours. After a string of events featuring lackluster swell, the forecast for the Open is very promising, likely a Surfline 80 – 100ft, and wave-starved devotees are growing increasingly rabid. Can Filipe Toledo, for example, drive a dagger into the heart of his competition yet still lose the crown months later at Lower Trestles to an increasingly beefed up Italo Ferreira?

Will homegrown hero Jordy Smith cap a Joel Parkinson-lite career with an out the front win?

All that energy, passion, might just be for nothing, though, as it was revealed today that the World Surf League Senior Vice President of Tours and its Head of Competition is missing. Or not missing but refusing to leave site of the last stop of sunny Rio de Janeiro.

Taking to Instagram, Jessi Miley-Dyer declared, “Still here Rio. I’m never leaving Brazil.”

While enthusiasts thrilled at Miley-Dyer enjoying much-deserved “me time,” worry began to grow that she will not, in fact, make it to J-Bay in time for the Open.

If she left the pool this very minute, it would still take over thirty hours of fly time and that is just to Cape Town. A further seven-odd more hours of driving and/or hopping an ecologically sound helicopter next to surfing great Kelly Slater and family.

Still within the window but disciples are beginning to bite fingernails, nervously check watches every three minutes or so.

Without Miley-Dyer present, the event will not be able to be called “on” or “off” and left in a state of permanent flux.

Can this be scripted?

Is the World Surf League collapsing before our hungry eyes?

More as the story develops.

"The stock price for my cream was here..."
"The stock price for my cream was here..."

As stock prices for Laird Hamilton’s eponymous Superfood dip near junk territory, surfers and radical investors wonder if it might be the next GameStonk!

Get rich or die trying.

Years ago, or maybe it was just months as time is moving very quickly, Laird Hamilton took his eponymous Superfood public and the stock price soared making him a multi-multi millionaire overnight. The coffee creamer, plant-based, was meant to fill a morning ritual with health and vitality. Good fats, I’d imagine, and THC or rather MCT or whatever that nice oil that comes from coconut is called.

A captivated public, wanting to drink from Hamilton’s fountain of youth, snatched the product right up, the company went public and prices floated near $60 a share.


But something happened on the way to the ice bath and, over the past months or weeks (who really knows anything anymore) Laird Superfood value has tanked near junk level.

Basically worthless.

Market watchers are wondering, though, if the time is right for another GameStonk. You certainly remember when the beloved video game retailer GameStop was set to go under and loving fans, disruptors and radical investors, went all in, spiking share price and roiling the market.

While, at the time, stalwarts in the investment game found the whole episode crazy Forbes, as august as any, declared:

The GameStop (GME) eruption has been portrayed as the product of wildly irrational investor behavior – a “frenzy,” a “speculative orgy” (Charlie Munger’s phrase), a “game played by losers who don’t have any idea what they’re doing” – a classic case of the Madness of Crowds.

This view is incorrect. Observers are misled by the fact that the market is obviously not “rational” in the finance-theoretic sense of the term. Share prices no longer reflect the underlying asset-value. GameStop’s mediocre, money-losing business is certainly not 4000% more valuable than it was at this time last year.

But this does not mean that the decisions of the GME traders are irrational.

The GME event is in fact the result of a process that is hyper-rational. It is based on highly accurate calculations of specific outcomes which possess a much higher degree of certainty than is the case for normal investment decisions. There is no “madness of crowds” here. It is a premeditated, predatory take-down of a cornered and defenseless counterparty.


So should we GameStonk Laird or what?

I’m in if you are.

Us, potentially.
Us, potentially.

Bradley Cooper (pictured) in film Limitless which I never saw but seems like it is about meth.
Bradley Cooper (pictured) in film Limitless which I never saw but seems like it is about meth.

San Diego-area surfers slow out of bed, noticeably on edge as record-breaking 5000 lbs of methamphetamine seized crossing border from Mexico to America’s Finest City!

Tough days.

5000 lbs of methamphetamine was seized yesterday afternoon in San Diego County’s southern suburbs. The bust, setting a record, got underway when officials noted a suspicious box truck crossing the border from Tijuana into Southern California. Law enforcement agents followed the truck as it wound around neighborhoods before stopping in an industrial area. Four men exited and began unloading cardboard boxes from the truck and putting them into a van.

Agents moved in, apprehending the suspects, who ranged in age from 37 to 44, and discovering 148 bundles of methamphetamine weighing 5000.

Meth and dog.
Meth and dog.

“This is a significant accomplishment by our law enforcement partners,” U.S. Attorney Randy Grossman told ABC News. “Due to stellar work by law enforcement agents, the government stopped more than 5,000 pounds of methamphetamine from being distributed on our streets.”

The first sign of this lack of distribution is being seen in San Diego surfers. Normally bright eyed and bushy tailed, excited to paddle out before the sunrise, lineups are relatively uncrowded this morning and the few surfers are sluggish and grouchy.

Mean and rude.

“Coffee sucks,” one was heard grumbling as he drug his 7’0 single fin up the Swami’s stairs by its leash.

Every La Jolla break is, reportedly, vacant, save young bodyboarders on vacation with families, and a state of emergency has been declared amongst various surf clubs.

Tough days.