Heaf to Head.

They say those who live in glass houses should not throw stones but this morning happens to find me outside my little see through cottage, arm cocked, stone in palm ready to zing. Ill-advised? Likely though, well, what the heck. I have been inundated over the past two World Surf League events with emails, text messages, DMs showcasing typos, spelling and grammar errors, names botched etc. on WSL propaganda. Everything from the most basic accident to complex absurdist messes.

Oh you know that here at BeachGrit abusing the English language is a way of life but why does the Santa Monica-based home of professional surfing have such open disdain for our tongue?

WSL CEO Erik Logan recently declared in a stirring interview that growth across all platforms was through the roof and a new Chief Financial Officer was just poached away from the mighty NBA in order to put those coins in the right purses but clearly the League’s copy editing offices have been throttled.

Is it on purpose?

The potential goal being to transition to Portuguese as official language partner?

Why Papa Barton has been unceremoniously lynched?

I have to say, I wouldn’t be so mad. As an applied linguist, my love of language knows no bounds but as an American I have never been forced to become competent in any. I have a elementary grasp of Spanish, can get around in Arabic and have done work on Russian grammar, can read the Cyrillic alphabet, but no mastery.

Might I become fluent in Portuguese with enough heats under the belt?

Might you?

Muito legal.

A real weepy!

The sister of the Maui aerialist Matt Meola has stunned judges Simon Cowell, Heidi Klum, Sofia Vergara and Howie Mandel on America’s Got Talent with a compelling combo of dazzling talent and tragic story, earning a standing ovation and the coveted golden buzzer.

Lily Meola’s been exercising those velveteen tonsils since ol Willy Nelson spotted her singing in a cafe as a teen and got her to open for him on tour.

Soon, the kid was on a record deal and touring solo. 

Then, as she tells Heidi and co, her “life flipped upside down” when mama Nancy was hit with cancer. 

Lily became her full-time carer, losing the record deal in the process. 

“I think maybe it was a bit of a blessing because it gave me some extra time to really be there for her,” Meola said. “She was my biggest cheerleader.”

Nancy died in 2020 and, now, Lily is back into her music, AGT the first stop.

“Singing was something my mom and I really connected with, and it’s how I fell in love with music in the first place, her playing music in the car,” Meola said. “So I’m just trying to make her proud and continue to live my daydream.”

Judge Simon Cowell, man with wild hair said, “There is something special about you. And I know you’ve gone through a very difficult period. I think the fact that you’ve come back after what you’ve gone through, that says a lot about you, Lily, so good for you.”

“She’d be so mad at me if I wasn’t pursuing what I love,” Meola said. “And ‘Daydream’ was one of her favorite songs. So I think she’d be really happy.”

Argh. But silver (beard) lining?

If there is one thing the World Surf League’s core fanbase can agree upon it is that Barton Lynch is, by far and away, the game’s best commentator. Any time the 1987 world champion is in the booth a sort of lightness reigns. Lightness coupled with intelligence, a fine vocabulary, the good attitude, vibes, that Joe Turpel attempts to replicate except cannot because his interior universe is like a Barney and Friends episode on loop.

Fairly vacant.

Papa Barton, though, has not been in the booth of late leaving the aforementioned core fanbase restless and confused. Is everything ok? Did he stumble into the same net of transit visa issues that so snared Tyler Wright?

More questions than answers until today when Lynch revealed that the World Surf League has unceremoniously hung his career, with them, from a tree. In a direct-to-camera explanation, thus he begins:

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A post shared by Barton Lynch (@barton_lynch)

Hi guys, I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately from people about my commentary, when they can listen to me and when I might be back in the booth, and what the situation is there. So a couple weeks ago, just to update you, I reached out to the WSL and offered my services, let them know that I was available for any upcoming events but was unfortunately told that I wasn’t needed this year so I won’t be back, I won’t be commentating this year and, uh, well that’s not altogether to be unexpected, I suppose. In reality, I’m happy about the opportunities that opens up for me to share what I know, what I see and what I understand of competitive surfing with people outside of that official capacity. So some great things we’re working on, I’m going to let you know about them very soon but, unfortunately, I won’t be back in the booth this year. Have a great day, people, all good though. Love yous.

The surf community was, rightly, apoplectic with father of competitive surfing Ian Cairns writing, “The comments on here speak for themselves. You’re the only commentator that illuminates concepts and situations in heats, that former champions recognize as well. These insights are critical explanations to the hoped for expanded WSL audience. Otherwise it’s ongoing blah blah blah. Their loss and your gain!”

Filipe Toledo’s daddy Rich adding, “Let’s go!!! We missing u papa Smurf.”

And the great Mike Stewart declaring, “Would love to hear your commentary on various significant heats. Maybe a YouTube channel?”

Oh wait.

Is that what is happening here? A pirate stream? Please let it be true. Silver Beard would absolutely crush with a salty non-sanctioned mutiny and we raise our various cutlasses in support.

Viva the revolution, to mix communist and piracy metaphors, or as Noa Deane said…

…well, you know what he said.