World Surf League suffers embarrassing spate of typos and grammar errors leading fans to wonder if the “home of professional surfing” actively hates the English language!

Chas Smith

By

Heaf to Head.

They say those who live in glass houses should not throw stones but this morning happens to find me outside my little see through cottage, arm cocked, stone in palm ready to zing. Ill-advised? Likely though, well, what the heck. I have been inundated over the past two World Surf League events with emails, text messages, DMs showcasing typos, spelling and grammar errors, names botched etc. on WSL propaganda. Everything from the most basic accident to complex absurdist messes.

Oh you know that here at BeachGrit abusing the English language is a way of life but why does the Santa Monica-based home of professional surfing have such open disdain for our tongue?

WSL CEO Erik Logan recently declared in a stirring interview that growth across all platforms was through the roof and a new Chief Financial Officer was just poached away from the mighty NBA in order to put those coins in the right purses but clearly the League’s copy editing offices have been throttled.

Is it on purpose?

The potential goal being to transition to Portuguese as official language partner?

Why Papa Barton has been unceremoniously lynched?

I have to say, I wouldn’t be so mad. As an applied linguist, my love of language knows no bounds but as an American I have never been forced to become competent in any. I have a elementary grasp of Spanish, can get around in Arabic and have done work on Russian grammar, can read the Cyrillic alphabet, but no mastery.

Might I become fluent in Portuguese with enough heats under the belt?

Might you?

Muito legal.

Lily Meola, voice of an angel etc.

Sister of Maui aerialist Matt Meola stuns on America’s Got Talent after revealing “life flipped upside down” when she became the full-time carer of their terminally ill mama, “She’d be so mad at me if I wasn’t pursuing what I love”

Derek Rielly

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A real weepy!

The sister of the Maui aerialist Matt Meola has stunned judges Simon Cowell, Heidi Klum, Sofia Vergara and Howie Mandel on America’s Got Talent with a compelling combo of dazzling talent and tragic story, earning a standing ovation and the coveted golden buzzer.

Lily Meola’s been exercising those velveteen tonsils since ol Willy Nelson spotted her singing in a cafe as a teen and got her to open for him on tour.

Soon, the kid was on a record deal and touring solo. 

Then, as she tells Heidi and co, her “life flipped upside down” when mama Nancy was hit with cancer. 

Lily became her full-time carer, losing the record deal in the process. 

“I think maybe it was a bit of a blessing because it gave me some extra time to really be there for her,” Meola said. “She was my biggest cheerleader.”

Nancy died in 2020 and, now, Lily is back into her music, AGT the first stop.

“Singing was something my mom and I really connected with, and it’s how I fell in love with music in the first place, her playing music in the car,” Meola said. “So I’m just trying to make her proud and continue to live my daydream.”

Judge Simon Cowell, man with wild hair said, “There is something special about you. And I know you’ve gone through a very difficult period. I think the fact that you’ve come back after what you’ve gone through, that says a lot about you, Lily, so good for you.”

“She’d be so mad at me if I wasn’t pursuing what I love,” Meola said. “And ‘Daydream’ was one of her favorite songs. So I think she’d be really happy.”

Saint Barton.

World’s most popular surf commentator Papa Barton unceremoniously lynched by World Surf League: “I reached out to the WSL, offered my services but was unfortunately told that I wasn’t needed this year!”

Chas Smith

By

Argh. But silver (beard) lining?

If there is one thing the World Surf League’s core fanbase can agree upon it is that Barton Lynch is, by far and away, the game’s best commentator. Any time the 1987 world champion is in the booth a sort of lightness reigns. Lightness coupled with intelligence, a fine vocabulary, the good attitude, vibes, that Joe Turpel attempts to replicate except cannot because his interior universe is like a Barney and Friends episode on loop.

Fairly vacant.

Papa Barton, though, has not been in the booth of late leaving the aforementioned core fanbase restless and confused. Is everything ok? Did he stumble into the same net of transit visa issues that so snared Tyler Wright?

More questions than answers until today when Lynch revealed that the World Surf League has unceremoniously hung his career, with them, from a tree. In a direct-to-camera explanation, thus he begins:

Hi guys, I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately from people about my commentary, when they can listen to me and when I might be back in the booth, and what the situation is there. So a couple weeks ago, just to update you, I reached out to the WSL and offered my services, let them know that I was available for any upcoming events but was unfortunately told that I wasn’t needed this year so I won’t be back, I won’t be commentating this year and, uh, well that’s not altogether to be unexpected, I suppose. In reality, I’m happy about the opportunities that opens up for me to share what I know, what I see and what I understand of competitive surfing with people outside of that official capacity. So some great things we’re working on, I’m going to let you know about them very soon but, unfortunately, I won’t be back in the booth this year. Have a great day, people, all good though. Love yous.

The surf community was, rightly, apoplectic with father of competitive surfing Ian Cairns writing, “The comments on here speak for themselves. You’re the only commentator that illuminates concepts and situations in heats, that former champions recognize as well. These insights are critical explanations to the hoped for expanded WSL audience. Otherwise it’s ongoing blah blah blah. Their loss and your gain!”

Filipe Toledo’s daddy Rich adding, “Let’s go!!! We missing u papa Smurf.”

And the great Mike Stewart declaring, “Would love to hear your commentary on various significant heats. Maybe a YouTube channel?”

Oh wait.

Is that what is happening here? A pirate stream? Please let it be true. Silver Beard would absolutely crush with a salty non-sanctioned mutiny and we raise our various cutlasses in support.

Viva the revolution, to mix communist and piracy metaphors, or as Noa Deane said…

…well, you know what he said.

High n tight.

In troubling sign that Hawaiian gods may be growing fed up, Florida boat gets struck by lightning seconds after profoundly caucasian man flashes culturally appropriated shaka at camera!

Chas Smith

By

The Wrath of Kane.

A boat carrying seven people, motoring off the shore of Clearwater, Florida, was struck by lightning, days ago, causing massive engine failure though, miraculously, none of the passengers were injured. Per news reporting:

The group was participating in a fishing tournament Saturday when their “39-foot personal vessel” got caught in a storm and was struck by lightning, according to a press release from the Coast Guard.

Immediately in need of a rescue, the five women and two men aboard were then brought to safety without medical concerns, and were greeted by family members when they returned to an air station, the Coast Guard said.

“Lightning storms are routinely encountered in the Florida maritime environment and can pose a significant hazard to boaters,” Lt. David McKinley, a Coast Guard pilot, said in a statement. “Fortunately, the boaters in this case were well prepared with all necessary safety equipment including an EPIRB, flares, and a marine VHF radio to ensure a quick and efficient rescue.”

Unsaid is the fact that, milliseconds before the bolt smash, a deeply caucasian gentleman can be seen throwing a high and tight shaka at the camera.

Might it be that the Hawaiian gods have simply had enough?

One haole too many culturally appropriating?

Possibly and, if true, those going to work at The Inertia’s offices should demand danger pay.

Scientology’s “Super Power Building” also happens to be in Clearwater. The colossal Mediterranean Revival-style structure can be seen from most perches in Clearwater, even the deck of the world’s first Hooters, which is in Clearwater too.

I was there, once, and decided to walk in to the Super Power Building but was met by a rather angry man in a dark suit who told me that I was not allowed. I was then ushered down the street by a cadre of younger people wearing khaki pants and light blue polo shirts. Some had walkie-talkies and they charted my progress to my rental Fiat then glared at me when I drove away.

Uninviting though I’m sure I deserved.

Anyhow, would you take Kane, the Hawaiian god of thunder and lightning, or L. Ron Hubbard, the beloved Scientology teacher and friend, in a celestial battle royale?

What if John Travolta was tag teaming with L. Ron?

Hmmmm.

High-performance.

Pop sensation Shakira embraces cathartic properties of high-performance surfing in order to mend damaged heart after breakup with cheating soccer stud!

Chas Smith

By

Healing.

We, each of us, use surfing to help with life’s various lows. There is something cathartic in jumping into the drink, paddling, catching, standing, blow-tail reversing. Something healing. The world’s greatest athlete, Kelly Slater, revealed yesterday that he used surfing to fill a giant void in his heart and, today, we learn that pop sensation Shakira is using the same too in order to spackle her own ticker back together.

The “hips don’t lie” songstress has been tied to Spanish football stud Gerard Pique except the happy coupling came to a sudden end, recently, with speculation running wild that he was not true and other, less salacious, gossip suggesting the split is due financial reasonings. Specifically, that Pique asked Shakira to invest in something-rather-else but the two don’t mix monies and so Shakira became frustrated.

Whatever the case, Colombian compatriot Carlos Vives said, “She is sad. I was definitely sad, it’s a very tough time when you have such a beautiful family.”

Ah, but surfing. Shakira is said to be on a surf vacation in northern Spain, Oyambre Beach to be exact, and absolutely ripping, healing. You may also recall that she recently attempted to make connection with the aforementioned Slater via Instagram.

Might he join her or is northern Spain too much like Brazil for him? MagicSeaweed is claiming solid 3 – 5ft surf. That’s 20 – 35ft Surfline.

Punchy.

Back to you, though. What interior pain do treat with surfing?

Grouchiness?

Nice.