Bourez (pictured) in undated photo.

Already-fagged surf fans suffer extreme bouts of lethargy as World Surf League reaches peak milquetoast, fills John John Florence vacant Tahiti Pro spot with uninspiring Michel Bourez pick!

"May our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, Go tell the Spartans, passerby: That here by Spartan law, we lie.”

Yesterday surf fans around the world were riding high. Zeke Lau had just etched his name in the annals of surf history by taking out the entire field at the US Open of Surfing, hoisting a fluorescent board high above his head as the beach went wild. Those who doubted that Lau was, in fact, “The Ultimate Surfer” forced to eat much crow. To make matters even sweeter, John John Florence was somewhere near the South Pacific and even though his boat might be hobbled, possibly sailing to the Outerknown Tahiti Pro, name still on the heat draw.

Well, the sun set and rose again to the news that Florence is out and the World Surf League has, instead, gone for the safe, though entirely uninspiring choice of Michel Bourez.

Surf fans, around the world, falling heartsick, breaking down emotionally as the WSL, long on the way, officially reached Peak Milquetoast.

According to BeachGrit’s stat department, Bourez has gotten 9th place four times, at Teahupoo, 13th place three times and 25th place three times.

He retired from professional competition at some point in the last decade but nobody cared and so it is undocumented.

The World Surf League could have followed the surprising inclusion of Nathan “Hog” Hedge with two-time winner Bobby Martinez or simply done the right thing and tapped the trials’ runner-up Matahi Drollet.

Bourez.

Snooze-town.

Or, in French if you prefer, roupillon-ville.


Elated surf fans lose collective mind as “The Ultimate Surfer” Zeke Lau curb stomps competition, wins US Open of Surfing thereby etching name alongside Kelly Slater, Brett Simpson in annals of Huntington Beach history!

Historic!

Surf fans, riding a rollercoaster today, are currently elated as Hawaii’s Zeke Lau has just etched his name into the annals of history by living up to his billing as “the ultimate surfer” in a stunning win over Joao Chianca in the US Open of Surfing finals.

Riding a florescent yellow surfboard, Lau employed excellent clock management skills and extreme hopping in front of a beach filled with ecstatic supporters.

Online, Brazilian fans became outraged at apparent judging biases.

Much “World Shame League.”

A full recap will not be forthcoming, as the waves were knee high and horrible looking, but enjoy this spectacular moment. With the win, Lau is likely to re-qualify, again, for the Championship Tour via the Challenger Series after qualifying through unscripted reality program and Qualifying Series victories.

Historic.


Open Thread: Comment Live on the Outerknown Tahiti Pro specialty trials event as local hopefuls dream Championship Tour dreams!

Place of Broken Skulls!


Classic Bobby (left) with friend.

Surf fans, moving through stages of grief, wonder if Bobby Martinez might receive wildcard for Tahiti Pro in off chance John John Florence fails to arrive on time!

Silver linings.

Fans of professional surfing have ridden extreme emotional waves over the last two weeks since it was revealed, exclusively on BeachGrit, that the universally adored regular foot Jonathan Jonathan Florence may be en route to the Outerknown Tahiti Pro, set to get underway in three short days, via catamaran.

Florence, who has been hurt, took to Instagram and informed his 1.5 million followers that he would be sailing south while sharing images of provisions and many surfboards being properly stowed.

Hope soared in hearts that Teahupoo was on his map and that an injured knee, that kept the twice over champion out of the last three events, was magically healed.

Those same hearts crashed hard, hours ago, into morbid blackness when it was revealed that the Florence yacht had run into some unexpected weather and the brave crew was searching for an atoll for which to safely anchor and assess damage.

Those three short days growing shorter by the hour.

Moving through the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, surf fans are arriving at acceptance and wondering who might replace Florence in the event.

With the obvious choice Nathan “Hog” Hedge off the board, consensus has landed on the 2006 and 2009 Teahupoo winner Bobby Martinez.

Tell me you wouldn’t thrill to see the bad boy from Santa Barbara back in a singlet.

Happy days here again.


John John Florence (pictured) carrying hopes. (Photo: @John_john_florence Instagram).

Panicked surf fans flip desperately through navigation books, petition patron saint of sailing as John John Florence, currently in damaged boat at sea, remains on Tahiti Pro heat draw!

All fingers crossed.

Nearly two weeks ago, the hard-hitting surf news service BeachGrit reported, exclusively, that universally adored surfer John John Florence was filling his catamaran with surfboards and provisions, cryptically penning, “South we go, excited and a bit nervous. I have never done a trip like this.”

Surf fans, desperate for a return of Blonde Ambition, immediately broke out nautical charts, protractors, and discovered that French Polynesia just so happens to lie south of Florence’s Hawaii.

Could it be?

Might it be?

The two-time world champion headed to Tahiti for the Outerknown Pro which kicks in mere days?

Florence, injured since G-Land, has missed the last three competitions but there his name, bold, tautological floats above Miguel Pupo and Kelly Slater in the heat number eight draw.

Well, the aforementioned surf fans, bathing in hope, received quite the scare, days ago, when Florence released an update that they had run into heavy seas.

Florence’s yacht may have suffered some damage to the rudder and rig and the crew is now searching for an atoll in which they can anchor and make necessary repairs.

Panicked, surf fans are doing anything they can to assist including offering advice on Instagram and petitioning the patron saint of sailing, Nathan “Hog” Hedge.

Will he arrive in time?

All fingers crossed.