"May our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, Go tell the Spartans, passerby: That here by Spartan law, we lie.”

Yesterday surf fans around the world were riding high. Zeke Lau had just etched his name in the annals of surf history by taking out the entire field at the US Open of Surfing, hoisting a fluorescent board high above his head as the beach went wild. Those who doubted that Lau was, in fact, “The Ultimate Surfer” forced to eat much crow. To make matters even sweeter, John John Florence was somewhere near the South Pacific and even though his boat might be hobbled, possibly sailing to the Outerknown Tahiti Pro, name still on the heat draw.

Well, the sun set and rose again to the news that Florence is out and the World Surf League has, instead, gone for the safe, though entirely uninspiring choice of Michel Bourez.

Surf fans, around the world, falling heartsick, breaking down emotionally as the WSL, long on the way, officially reached Peak Milquetoast.

According to BeachGrit’s stat department, Bourez has gotten 9th place four times, at Teahupoo, 13th place three times and 25th place three times.

He retired from professional competition at some point in the last decade but nobody cared and so it is undocumented.

The World Surf League could have followed the surprising inclusion of Nathan “Hog” Hedge with two-time winner Bobby Martinez or simply done the right thing and tapped the trials’ runner-up Matahi Drollet.

Bourez.

Snooze-town.

Or, in French if you prefer, roupillon-ville.

Historic!

Surf fans, riding a rollercoaster today, are currently elated as Hawaii’s Zeke Lau has just etched his name into the annals of history by living up to his billing as “the ultimate surfer” in a stunning win over Joao Chianca in the US Open of Surfing finals.

Riding a florescent yellow surfboard, Lau employed excellent clock management skills and extreme hopping in front of a beach filled with ecstatic supporters.

Online, Brazilian fans became outraged at apparent judging biases.

Much “World Shame League.”

A full recap will not be forthcoming, as the waves were knee high and horrible looking, but enjoy this spectacular moment. With the win, Lau is likely to re-qualify, again, for the Championship Tour via the Challenger Series after qualifying through unscripted reality program and Qualifying Series victories.

Historic.

All fingers crossed.

Nearly two weeks ago, the hard-hitting surf news service BeachGrit reported, exclusively, that universally adored surfer John John Florence was filling his catamaran with surfboards and provisions, cryptically penning, “South we go, excited and a bit nervous. I have never done a trip like this.”

Surf fans, desperate for a return of Blonde Ambition, immediately broke out nautical charts, protractors, and discovered that French Polynesia just so happens to lie south of Florence’s Hawaii.

Could it be?

Might it be?

The two-time world champion headed to Tahiti for the Outerknown Pro which kicks in mere days?

Florence, injured since G-Land, has missed the last three competitions but there his name, bold, tautological floats above Miguel Pupo and Kelly Slater in the heat number eight draw.

Well, the aforementioned surf fans, bathing in hope, received quite the scare, days ago, when Florence released an update that they had run into heavy seas.

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A post shared by John john Florence (@john_john_florence)

Florence’s yacht may have suffered some damage to the rudder and rig and the crew is now searching for an atoll in which they can anchor and make necessary repairs.

Panicked, surf fans are doing anything they can to assist including offering advice on Instagram and petitioning the patron saint of sailing, Nathan “Hog” Hedge.

Will he arrive in time?

All fingers crossed.