Bummer days are here to stay.
A mere hour ago, fans of competitive professional surfing around the globe thrilled at the possible return of our glory days. Julian Wilson, one-time golden boy, the “Conquerer from Coolum,” was set to paddle out at the world’s most popular surf contest, currently underway in Huntington Beach, California, and usher in a new era of hope and prosperity.
Our heroes once surfed the “Dream Tour” and we thrilled at their exploits.
They were once sponsored by august brands like Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA and we wore their clothing.
Now?
The dream tour has died and we are left with a handful of scrappy Brazilians attempting to punch their ticket to Lower Trestles.
Lower Trestles.
Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA are all one brand that will soon belong to notoriously stingy Vans. The company making heaps of money but loves, more than anything, not paying market value for extreme sport athletes who toil in the action salt mines.
And, thus, Wilson paddled out with the weight of time’s past, a possible new age of Aquarius and was thusly defeated by Ryan Callinan and Taichi Wakita in waves neither you nor I would surf unless we were going to get grounded for refusing.
Taichi Wakita.
It’s over. All over.
Anti-depressive.
Also, as a child, what is the longest you were ever grounded?
Two weeks?
One month?
On paper, I think I was grounded for the back half of my entire high school campaign.
Anti-anti depressive.
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it worked…
Wsl needs to hire Peter vlandys as CEO
more tex-mex, less chinese…
“I’ll take the cherry…”
The bigger, more intriguingly urgent question is surely this: what the fuck is Jules doing at Huntington? Didn’t he quit the dream not dream tour to be with his kids and his missus and his new Rivvia company? Per the drivel-blurb on Rivvia’s site:
“Rivvia Projects’ goal is to deliver everyday versatile products that are built for a multifunctional world. A world where surf meets sport, and sport meets street. Products that are timeless and adaptable created for and inspired by a category we’re calling ‘Active Discovery’.
“This year has been a big one for me personally. I’ve made some major decisions surrounding my career and my family. Digging deep to find purpose and really figure out and decide what my future holds. These decisions have allowed me to take on new projects I never thought possible. Dreams I’ve always wanted to make a reality. What you’re seeing is a concept that is years in the making. An idea I needed to explore. An itch I needed to scratch.”
Dreams and purpose and digging deep and timelessly scratching itchy itches…it’s all manifested in a trip to surf Huntington slop mid-year? Mid-life crisis? Marriage crisis? Rivvia just a heap of shit that ain’t selling and his kids need new fucking designer nappies to shit the bed in?
https://beachgrit.com/2022/…
blah, blah, blah…does he have a sticker on his board that says:
No wife, no kids, no worries…?
“Wife, kids, what have I done?”
yeah, mine are still around, but nothing legally binding…like r-bull, they give me wings!
At least they ain’t clipped your wings!
oh yeah, nicked up a bit…but the kids are alright. used to kid w ’em: It’s so hard being a dad…”Yeah, think it was easy being your kid?”
Nice Ian Gentil quote, Surfer, 2016 – he gets what ELo doesn’t get. “Now I’m starting to see just how small surfing is in relation to the world, like our industry is tiny, and it’s really awesome to branch out a little bit. I remember when the NSSA nationals seemed like the Olympics. It literally felt like the entire world was watching. When realistically, there were maybe like 100 people on the beach, if that.”
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
‘Hide The Pain Julian’
Could this get any more boring?
Jules is the old tale of Samson and Delilah, while Jules slept and slowly wained off competitve surfing he lost his hair and his strenght.
Amongst the pantheon of professional surfers crying photographs, worth noting that this one came after paddling at speed directly towards a mate entangled with a white shark.
well said.
Is the shark ok?
STAY TUNED: coming up next…”Take A Shark For Lunch Day!”
Watching Julz surf is as exciting as watching a QS 1000 in Galicia.
Chas, you got it wrong, two stories in a row, and coming from someone with a journalistic background, (very disappointing), so a review– a ‘surf fan’, is very self explanatory–someone that is a fan of surf, like myself.
A ‘surf ‘star’ fan’, well, that’s another story, and I think that’s what you are referring too above.
Sam you’re worse than a Vegan constantly reminding us what a “core” surfer you are!
No, I just like surf, waves, the Ocean in general, salt water, beach sand under my feet, the smell of salt in the air., the sound of surf……I like a little beach sand I’m my car too, I tell my kids sometimes, ‘if there’s no beach sand in the car, they’re doing something wrong’…
Haha
Youre a legend Sam
Do you take a beachball with you?
No.
Do you.
Sam you need to put all your ideas into action to really make a difference. Take a dump on the roof of the next latte drinking puffy jacket wearing person’s van and write “Sprinter maggots go home “ in wax on their windshield.
Or patchouli scented pube straightener?
I live in Japan. I need miso scented pube curler…
I’m sure that’s available there somewhere
Julian never had any dog in him, can’t win being that happy (see Medina, Ke11 Ke11, Andy, etc).
Best technique on tour at one time, no fire.
Wonder how Jamie will see it in his review?
Same like Jordy Smith.
I think they’ll both be competing for the biggest underachiever compared to hype award in pro surfing history.
Probably Jordy will win it as he has more years on tour underachieving for the hype than Julian and is still counting.
Okohle gets my vote. At least those two have won a few cts.
Nah he’ll get the award for best surfer never to win a CT event.
And he’s 5 or 6 years younger than the other two so still has a bit of time to turn things around.
But he is looking like he’s pretty done lately.
you see him smash his board on the fence after his loss?? On the Highlight vid! Mayhem’s at the local shop running well over $700…spoiled fuckin kook.
Don’t forget the biggest underachiever of them all …Khloe.
Seems the only retired surfer that puts on a show at his cameos is goatdaddy
My concern watching this contest is that most of surfing Australia will now move to HB and make it crowded.
Where is Huntington anyway? I picture it to be a quaint hunting village with picturesque cliffs and beaches where one can bag fowl and enjoy time by the fire place with loved ones
once upon a time in the west…
Nice cover for the drug smuggling.
Newy bout to party.
Without Julian’s viciously-squashed rumour of a move to Lululemon there would be no Hurluley. So as a behemoth of the surf industry, we owe him a debt of gratitude. And perhaps a couple of stickers.
This is why our industrial espionage team have sneakily purchased some of his new company’s products (oven mitts, air freshener and a bottle of ‘beard juice with crumbs’) to reverse engineer them and figure out what makes them so dang popular.
It’s the least we can do.
Ssshhh. Don’t tell anybody.
)(
Bye Felicia
Isn’t it all about self identity these days anyway ?
All Julian needs to do is change their name to Julia and enter the womens next year, then surely they’d make the cut and perhaps even get to surf Trestles with the potential of winning that elusive world title…
You should be his coach, great plan.
And if he gets into any trouble, he won’t, he would go to women’s prison (Bruce Jenners plan)
Julian could never win a world title even as a women. He just parks himself out the back and waits for 10’s and waits for the heat to end. If you remember he let Felipe take a wave under priority and score a 10 at Snapper. I would be interested in why he quit to start with.
I’d make a witty reply but your comment is tired and unoriginal … the opposite of Julia’s freesurfing
As opposed to the article itself, which is the height of originality? Instead of down voting you for your 0/10 reply, I’ll upvote B&B.
I see you’ve graduated from the Matt Biolos school of commentary.
Congrats…
You’re tired. Take a nap.
Julian who?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…