Bummer days are here to stay.

A mere hour ago, fans of competitive professional surfing around the globe thrilled at the possible return of our glory days. Julian Wilson, one-time golden boy, the “Conquerer from Coolum,” was set to paddle out at the world’s most popular surf contest, currently underway in Huntington Beach, California, and usher in a new era of hope and prosperity.

Our heroes once surfed the “Dream Tour” and we thrilled at their exploits.

They were once sponsored by august brands like Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA and we wore their clothing.

Now?

The dream tour has died and we are left with a handful of scrappy Brazilians attempting to punch their ticket to Lower Trestles.

Lower Trestles.

Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA are all one brand that will soon belong to notoriously stingy Vans. The company making heaps of money but loves, more than anything, not paying market value for extreme sport athletes who toil in the action salt mines.

And, thus, Wilson paddled out with the weight of time’s past, a possible new age of Aquarius and was thusly defeated by Ryan Callinan and Taichi Wakita in waves neither you nor I would surf unless we were going to get grounded for refusing.

Taichi Wakita.

It’s over. All over.

Anti-depressive.

Also, as a child, what is the longest you were ever grounded?

Two weeks?

One month?

On paper, I think I was grounded for the back half of my entire high school campaign.

Anti-anti depressive.

Giving the people what they need!

These have been hard days for fans of competitive professional surfing. Rough hours punctuated by vaguely depressing minutes. The World Surf League, home to the aforementioned CPS (competitive professional surfing), thrilled all by recently announcing robust growth across all platforms. Engagement though the roof. Brand partners bashing down the door to get inside.

That windfall was used to slash the upcoming Quiksilver Pro France and place many more Challenger Series and lesser point’d events on “tentative.”

Well, one-time golden boy Julian Wilson, hearing those tear drops, has decided to give the people what they want and return to the singlet.

Can you believe?

He will be surfing in just thirty minutes.

Watch here and let’s discuss his performance afterward, ok?

Fun.

Cold-hearted.

Our surfing community, known for being cantankerous or, in the word’s of competitive professional surfing’s benefactor Dirk Ziff, “grumpy.” We don’t take kindly to strangers and are generally dismissive of everyone and everything. Buttholes, as I came to discover across my epic quest, making the warm embrace of Colombian chanteuse Shakira that much more amazing.

You will certainly recall, weeks ago, when news broke that the multi-platinum recording artist and her partner, footballer Gerard Pique, had hit an extra rough patch in their eleven-year relationship. Pique stayed in the couple’s hometown of Barcelona while Shakira ran to northern Spain and mended her wounded soul by surfing.

It was then that we took her into our arms, have her back in a vicious tax fight, made her one of our own.

Wearing the crown as our adopted surf darling.

But, just today, in an absolutely cold-hearted move, Nicole Scherzinger attempted to rip that crown of Shakira’s head and slam it on her own head by ripping a foot-plus right.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nicole Scherzinger (@nicolescherzinger)

“It’s a new week y’all. Let’s ride them waves like we own ‘em!” the Pussycat Doll wrote in a nod to Laird Hamilton and his “take every wave” mantra.

I would imagine Scherzinger to be Team Laird in his blood feud with Kelly Slater and I suppose I’d imagine Shakira would be Team Kelly.

A very exciting tag team begging the question, are you Team Laird + Nicole or Team Kelly + Shakira?

Choose wisely.