Julian Wilson (pictured) sad.
Julian Wilson (pictured) sad.

Thoroughly heartbroken surf fans openly sob, without embarrassment, on city streets as relic of surfing’s glory days Julian Wilson fails to advance at world’s most popular surf contest!

Chas Smith

By

Bummer days are here to stay.

A mere hour ago, fans of competitive professional surfing around the globe thrilled at the possible return of our glory days. Julian Wilson, one-time golden boy, the “Conquerer from Coolum,” was set to paddle out at the world’s most popular surf contest, currently underway in Huntington Beach, California, and usher in a new era of hope and prosperity.

Our heroes once surfed the “Dream Tour” and we thrilled at their exploits.

They were once sponsored by august brands like Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA and we wore their clothing.

Now?

The dream tour has died and we are left with a handful of scrappy Brazilians attempting to punch their ticket to Lower Trestles.

Lower Trestles.

Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA are all one brand that will soon belong to notoriously stingy Vans. The company making heaps of money but loves, more than anything, not paying market value for extreme sport athletes who toil in the action salt mines.

And, thus, Wilson paddled out with the weight of time’s past, a possible new age of Aquarius and was thusly defeated by Ryan Callinan and Taichi Wakita in waves neither you nor I would surf unless we were going to get grounded for refusing.

Taichi Wakita.

It’s over. All over.

Anti-depressive.

Also, as a child, what is the longest you were ever grounded?

Two weeks?

One month?

On paper, I think I was grounded for the back half of my entire high school campaign.

Anti-anti depressive.

Wilson (far left) ready.
Wilson (far left) ready.

Vaguely depressed surf fans thrill at return of one-time golden boy Julian Wilson to competitive professional surfing at the penultimate level!

Chas Smith

By

Giving the people what they need!

These have been hard days for fans of competitive professional surfing. Rough hours punctuated by vaguely depressing minutes. The World Surf League, home to the aforementioned CPS (competitive professional surfing), thrilled all by recently announcing robust growth across all platforms. Engagement though the roof. Brand partners bashing down the door to get inside.

That windfall was used to slash the upcoming Quiksilver Pro France and place many more Challenger Series and lesser point’d events on “tentative.”

Well, one-time golden boy Julian Wilson, hearing those tear drops, has decided to give the people what they want and return to the singlet.

Can you believe?

He will be surfing in just thirty minutes.

Watch here and let’s discuss his performance afterward, ok?

Fun.

Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli in the 1982 high school flick, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Shoe being belted against Spicoli's stoned skull is the Vans Off the Wall slip-on. Sales of the style soared after movie became a hit.

Once Iconic surf brands Quiksilver, Billabong and RCVA rumoured to’ve been offered in packaged sale to multi-billion dollar shoe company Vans, “At least now they could justify having a surf team!”

Derek Rielly

By

"With a projected turnover of over three-bill from its pretty little canvas shoes and branded trinkets in 2023, Vans has enough cash to buy ‘em all a few times over."

Hot little rumour going around, pretty close source etc, is that Billabong, Quiksilver and RVCA have been offered to the multi-billion dollar shoe company Vans in what we’re told is an attractively priced package.

With a projected turnover of over three-bill from its pretty little canvas shoes and branded trinkets in 2023, Vans has enough cash to buy ‘em all a few times over, as well as throw in a million-dollar bonus here and there to get the deal over the line.

Quiksilver, Billabong and RVCA all operate under the umbrella Boardriders Inc, majority owned by Oaktree Capital, an American global asset management firm.

Of course, Vans, which was founded by the late, great Pauly Van Doren in 1966 with his little bro James and their pals Gordon, Ryan Emmert and Serge D’Elia, ain’t much diff, ownership wise.

It was bought in 2004 by VF Corporation, a behemoth in rude fiscal health that owns fifty percent of the US backpack market via its brands North Face, Timberland, Eastpak and JanSport.

The sale is neither here nor there, I suppose, giant corpos tossing their assets around, but ain’t it wild that in the span of twenty years, the rocks upon which modern surf culture was founded, in Billabong and Quiksilver’s case, have become little more than a logo with a bit of residual goodwill.

RVCA is an interesting one, its co-founder Pat Tenore, one of the canniest in the biz, turned the surf brand into a pivotal player in MMA, then sold out for thirty-seven mill, having bought out the other founder, Conan Hayes, a well-known man in election circles, for seven and a half mill in 2011.

Scherzinger throwing a dagger shaka Shakira's way.
Scherzinger throwing a dagger shaka Shakira's way.

Blood Feud: Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger makes brazen attempt to steal “surf darling” crown from fellow chanteuse Shakira, kicking multi-platinum Colombian in ribs while down!

Chas Smith

By

Cold-hearted.

Our surfing community, known for being cantankerous or, in the word’s of competitive professional surfing’s benefactor Dirk Ziff, “grumpy.” We don’t take kindly to strangers and are generally dismissive of everyone and everything. Buttholes, as I came to discover across my epic quest, making the warm embrace of Colombian chanteuse Shakira that much more amazing.

You will certainly recall, weeks ago, when news broke that the multi-platinum recording artist and her partner, footballer Gerard Pique, had hit an extra rough patch in their eleven-year relationship. Pique stayed in the couple’s hometown of Barcelona while Shakira ran to northern Spain and mended her wounded soul by surfing.

It was then that we took her into our arms, have her back in a vicious tax fight, made her one of our own.

Wearing the crown as our adopted surf darling.

But, just today, in an absolutely cold-hearted move, Nicole Scherzinger attempted to rip that crown of Shakira’s head and slam it on her own head by ripping a foot-plus right.

“It’s a new week y’all. Let’s ride them waves like we own ‘em!” the Pussycat Doll wrote in a nod to Laird Hamilton and his “take every wave” mantra.

I would imagine Scherzinger to be Team Laird in his blood feud with Kelly Slater and I suppose I’d imagine Shakira would be Team Kelly.

A very exciting tag team begging the question, are you Team Laird + Nicole or Team Kelly + Shakira?

Choose wisely.

Open Thread: Comment Live, Day Four of US Open of Surfing, the place where Southern Californian’s prefer to riot almost 3 – 1!

Chas Smith

By

Challenger-ing!

Photo: Jack English
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