Cold-hearted.

Our surfing community, known for being cantankerous or, in the word’s of competitive professional surfing’s benefactor Dirk Ziff, “grumpy.” We don’t take kindly to strangers and are generally dismissive of everyone and everything. Buttholes, as I came to discover across my epic quest, making the warm embrace of Colombian chanteuse Shakira that much more amazing.

You will certainly recall, weeks ago, when news broke that the multi-platinum recording artist and her partner, footballer Gerard Pique, had hit an extra rough patch in their eleven-year relationship. Pique stayed in the couple’s hometown of Barcelona while Shakira ran to northern Spain and mended her wounded soul by surfing.

It was then that we took her into our arms, have her back in a vicious tax fight, made her one of our own.

Wearing the crown as our adopted surf darling.

But, just today, in an absolutely cold-hearted move, Nicole Scherzinger attempted to rip that crown of Shakira’s head and slam it on her own head by ripping a foot-plus right.

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“It’s a new week y’all. Let’s ride them waves like we own ‘em!” the Pussycat Doll wrote in a nod to Laird Hamilton and his “take every wave” mantra.

I would imagine Scherzinger to be Team Laird in his blood feud with Kelly Slater and I suppose I’d imagine Shakira would be Team Kelly.

A very exciting tag team begging the question, are you Team Laird + Nicole or Team Kelly + Shakira?

Choose wisely.

Completely unforeseen violence.

Two weeks ago, the public became absolutely shocked when it was revealed that Laird Hamilton, considered the world’s greatest surfer by many, metaphorically punched Kelly Slater in the mouth, also considered the world’s greatest surfer by many, in releasing a luxury watch deemed more ecologically friendly than Slater’s.

Hamilton’s Waterman Apex dive watch, released with British manufacturer Bremont, was developed to “draw awareness to ocean and sea life conservation,” with all proceeds going to the Bimini Biological Field Station Foundation which, it must be assumed from context, draws awareness to ocean and sea life conservation.

Slater’s SuperOcean Automatic 42, released by Swiss watchmaker Breitling, merely has a band made from ocean junk as an option.

Both watches retail in the $5000 range.

And while many observers imaged that Hamilton’s metaphorical punch would send Slater to the canvas, many also don’t know how resilient the 11x World Champion is.

Slater absorbed the punch, held back for two weeks then, just today, metaphorically karate chopped Hamilton in the teeth by having his watch included in the Robb Report’s “High Seas” guide.

The Robb Report, for the unwashed, is the world’s leading luxury lifestyle magazine.

Included alongside Slater’s SuperOcean were the Rolex Yacht-Master 42, Glashütte Orginal’s SeaQ, IWC Pilot’s Watch Chronograph Top Gun Edition “Lake Tahoe,” Blancpain Fifty-Fathoms Bathyscaphe Quantième Complet Phases de Lune in red gold, Luminor Panerai Luna Rossa, TAG Heuer Aquaracer Professional 1000 Superdiver and Ulysse Nardin Diver X The Ocean Race.

Not included was Laird Hamilton’s Bremont Waterman Apex.

Will the multi-disciplinarian be able to handle the violence and strike back?

Christmas is coming quicker than any of us would like. 146 days until you bless the ecologist in your life with a luxury watch.

More as the story develops.

There will be blood.

But how good does it feel to have our US Open of Surfing back in Huntington Beach, California? Two years ago, the Covid pandemic upended it entirely. Last year, it was but a shell of its former self. Now, though, the sands are packed with rabid fans, the water teeming with Championship Tour hopefuls.

As you know, the “world’s most popular surf contest” is a Challenger Series event, much like the Quiksilver Pro France that was, days ago, beheaded and tossed into a shallow grave. Being such, it contains many multiples of points for which the aforementioned Championship Tour hopefuls to pocket and join the top ranks (before being beheaded themselves mid-year, shallow grave etc.).

Exciting and even more exciting with the possibility that Hawaii’s Zeke Lau is very much in the mix.

Lau, you will recall, won last summer’s Ultimate Surfer on ABC proving to himself, and the world, that he was the greatest living surfer. The reward for such a feat was multiple wildcard entries into 2022 Championship Tour events though our hero did not need as he qualified on his own. Well, he was cut, mid-year, no telling what happened to the golden Ultimate Surfer tickets, and is there, in Huntington, tan, rested and ready.

“I feel good coming back to Huntington. It’s just somewhere that feels comfortable,” Lau told the The Orange County Register‘s Laylan Connelly. “It was pretty rough today, there weren’t a lot of waves. It looks like there’s going to be some waves later this week. Every event at this point is a make or break. If I do good here, it will put me in a really good spot to re-qualify. I’m just focused on surfing and do good in the events I’m in, and enjoy it.”

Make or Break, it must be noted, is the watchable World Surf League series as opposed to The Ultimate Surfer.

In any case, if Lau qualifies soon it will be three qualifications in one calendar year.

Historic?

It must be.