Completely unforeseen violence.

Two weeks ago, the public became absolutely shocked when it was revealed that Laird Hamilton, considered the world’s greatest surfer by many, metaphorically punched Kelly Slater in the mouth, also considered the world’s greatest surfer by many, in releasing a luxury watch deemed more ecologically friendly than Slater’s.

Hamilton’s Waterman Apex dive watch, released with British manufacturer Bremont, was developed to “draw awareness to ocean and sea life conservation,” with all proceeds going to the Bimini Biological Field Station Foundation which, it must be assumed from context, draws awareness to ocean and sea life conservation.

Slater’s SuperOcean Automatic 42, released by Swiss watchmaker Breitling, merely has a band made from ocean junk as an option.

Both watches retail in the $5000 range.

And while many observers imaged that Hamilton’s metaphorical punch would send Slater to the canvas, many also don’t know how resilient the 11x World Champion is.

Slater absorbed the punch, held back for two weeks then, just today, metaphorically karate chopped Hamilton in the teeth by having his watch included in the Robb Report’s “High Seas” guide.

The Robb Report, for the unwashed, is the world’s leading luxury lifestyle magazine.

Included alongside Slater’s SuperOcean were the Rolex Yacht-Master 42, Glashütte Orginal’s SeaQ, IWC Pilot’s Watch Chronograph Top Gun Edition “Lake Tahoe,” Blancpain Fifty-Fathoms Bathyscaphe Quantième Complet Phases de Lune in red gold, Luminor Panerai Luna Rossa, TAG Heuer Aquaracer Professional 1000 Superdiver and Ulysse Nardin Diver X The Ocean Race.

Not included was Laird Hamilton’s Bremont Waterman Apex.

Will the multi-disciplinarian be able to handle the violence and strike back?

Christmas is coming quicker than any of us would like. 146 days until you bless the ecologist in your life with a luxury watch.

More as the story develops.

There will be blood.

But how good does it feel to have our US Open of Surfing back in Huntington Beach, California? Two years ago, the Covid pandemic upended it entirely. Last year, it was but a shell of its former self. Now, though, the sands are packed with rabid fans, the water teeming with Championship Tour hopefuls.

As you know, the “world’s most popular surf contest” is a Challenger Series event, much like the Quiksilver Pro France that was, days ago, beheaded and tossed into a shallow grave. Being such, it contains many multiples of points for which the aforementioned Championship Tour hopefuls to pocket and join the top ranks (before being beheaded themselves mid-year, shallow grave etc.).

Exciting and even more exciting with the possibility that Hawaii’s Zeke Lau is very much in the mix.

Lau, you will recall, won last summer’s Ultimate Surfer on ABC proving to himself, and the world, that he was the greatest living surfer. The reward for such a feat was multiple wildcard entries into 2022 Championship Tour events though our hero did not need as he qualified on his own. Well, he was cut, mid-year, no telling what happened to the golden Ultimate Surfer tickets, and is there, in Huntington, tan, rested and ready.

“I feel good coming back to Huntington. It’s just somewhere that feels comfortable,” Lau told the The Orange County Register‘s Laylan Connelly. “It was pretty rough today, there weren’t a lot of waves. It looks like there’s going to be some waves later this week. Every event at this point is a make or break. If I do good here, it will put me in a really good spot to re-qualify. I’m just focused on surfing and do good in the events I’m in, and enjoy it.”

Make or Break, it must be noted, is the watchable World Surf League series as opposed to The Ultimate Surfer.

In any case, if Lau qualifies soon it will be three qualifications in one calendar year.

Historic?

It must be.

Go team.

The US Open of Surfing is currently underway, biggest event of our entire world, though un-streamed as the financially robust World Surf League has chosen to aim those riches at cutting Challenger Series events.

Surfline is currently calling Huntington Beach 2-3 foot, poor to fair, which means 0-1 foot crap to unchill so we may not be missing out on much but, meanwhile, across the “pond” in Spain, multi-platinum recording artist Shakira is headed to court over a tax evasion charge and facing eight years in prison, with a loss.

Per The Washington Post:

On Friday, prosecutors unveiled six charges against Shakira, 45, after she rejected a settlement deal earlier this week, El País reported. According to the Spanish newspaper, authorities highlighted the substantial amount of taxes she allegedly owed, as well as her record of using offshore tax havens, as aggravating factors in the case.

The Grammy-winning performer, famous for hit songs such as “Hips Don’t Lie” and “Waka Waka,” has denied wrongdoing on multiple occasions, including during her court testimony in 2019.

Shakira’s publicists in London said the singer “has always cooperated and abided by the law, demonstrating impeccable conduct as an individual and a taxpayer,” the Associated Press reported. Her public relations team in Spain said she immediately repaid the amount she owed to the country’s tax agency once she was notified. She also deposited an additional 3 million euros in interest. These payments, El País reported, may be considered a mitigating circumstance by prosecutors when it comes to the length of a potential prison sentence.

The tax fraud charges hinge on where Shakira lived from 2012 to 2014. She claims that her tax residency was in the Bahamas until 2015, when she relocated to Barcelona with her partner, FC Barcelona soccer player Gerard Piqué. (The couple, who have two children together, last month announced the end of their 11-year relationship.)

The “announced end of the 11-year relationship with Pique” is when surfers, worldwide, adopted the Colombian chanteuse as she chose to mend her broken heart by sorting out her backside hitch while possibly making eyes at her surf instructor.

One of us.

And we will, certainly, rally around our adopted sister. Showing up outside Spanish courts with signs screaming “DON’T DROP IN ON SHAKIRA!” and “BACK OFF WAR CHILD!’ referencing Spain’s fascist past.

We don’t ever let one of our own down, not ever, unless they ride a surfboard over 7’1.

Go team.

Let them eat cake.

The sudden cancellation of the upcoming Quiksilver/Roxy Pro France sent shockwaves through the professional competitive surfing community. Many of those participating in the Challenger Series event had already purchased tickets, hotel rooms, dreams of making it to the “big dance” percolating in heads. Fans having already worked early autumn, or spring, work schedules around the holding period.

The Challenger Series is relatively new in our landscape, springing out of the blood of those professional surfers who fell below mid-year cut, fertilizing the earth.

Many, again, felt very angry about the chop, including but not limited to Owen Wright, but the World Surf League brass promised even more riches were possible for the minor league surfers as long as they “trusted the process.”

Rising tide.

Crazy robust growth.

But now France has been burned, Senior Vice President of Competition, Head of Tours Jessi Miley-Dyer delivering the news in a very “let-them-eat-cake” sorta way and might other Challenger Series, and lesser point’d, events follow?

An examination of the upcoming schedule doesn’t exactly bolster confidence.

What are your thoughts?

Taiwan on the chopping block?

More as the story develops.