Intrepid reporter paddles into lineups and carefully documents important conversations happening around her: “Malibu is one of the most dangerous surf spots — it’s Peahi, Pipeline and then Malibu.”

Fascinating.

For me, and my money, the best lineup is a relatively quiet one. I do not paddle out to jibber jabber or small talk. Sure, if some bit of conversation naturally blooms so be it, but I attempt to keep it all within close proximity and not widely share nonsense where it doesn’t otherwise belong.

I don’t generally get upset at others who chatter… unless they are upper-middle aged gentlemen riding longer boards talking about years’ ago trips to Mexico, college aged men riding soft-tops talking about weekend plans, tech bros talking about anything.

Otherwise, I’m relatively ok.

Yesterday, a bit of “overheard in the lineup” that I enjoyed came courtesy of lower-teenagers. One said, “I really want to get a Lost Puddle Jumper.” Another said, “Those are made by Lib.” A third added, “Mayhem is a style of surfboards from Lost, I think.”

Informative but not as valuable as the anthropological work of Los Angeles Times reporter Jackie Connor who paddled from Malibu to Lowers collecting bits of verbal flotsam.

“Like walking through a bar or concert,” she begins, “you can’t help but overhear casual convos while surfing. The chatter can range from trash-talking the last person who caught a wave to uncovering relationship drama, like why someone’s clothes were tossed on the lawn in trash bags.”

A sampling:

Surfer 1: “Taking off on a wave is like surfer bowling out here. How do you not decapitate someone?”

Surfer 2: “You just gotta go — everyone usually knows what they’re doing, but maybe there are some groms with missing limbs.” (Lower Trestles, San Clemente)

Surfer 3: “I wanted that wave. You were in my f—ing way. I get whatever the f— I want out here. Don’t get in my f—ing way.”

Surfer 1: “You shouldn’t have f—ing pulled my leash when I was taking off. You keep getting all the waves. It’s my turn.”

Surfer 3: “You want to fight?! Go to the beach. I’ll take you out any day, and I’ll pull your leash every time you get in my way.” (Second Point, Malibu)

“Malibu is one of the most dangerous surf spots — it’s Peahi, Pipeline and then Malibu.” (Second Point, Malibu)

“I don’t know why we keep getting skunked on these surf reports. Everyone I know hates Surfline. It’s all about Wavecast.com — the guy updates it three times a week, and it’s way more accurate than Surfline, or should I say ‘Surflie.’”(Northside of Huntington Pier, Huntington Beach)

Surfer 1: “Did you see?! I got so much air on my last wave. I think it was bigger than yours.”

Surfer 2: “This isn’t a pissing contest, bro.”

Surfer 1: “It is now. Sack up and keep up with yo’ man bustin’ fat airs.” (Upper Trestles, San Clemente)

Etc.

But how do these bits compare to the conversations in your lineup?

Add to the cultural study below.