Dirty Water: World champion surfer Barton Lynch on being falsely outed as a “Commie Red”, living on “stolen land” and the wild viral success of his Karl Marx beard, “It was the most thoughtful and deliberate conversation I have ever had!”

"Stimulation of conversation is a good thing!"

Rarely do I get as much pleasure as when the telephone connects to the 1988 world champion Barton Lynch, who cinched his title at perfect eight-to-twelve-foot Pipeline but is now more famous for his oratorical gymkhanas on WSL broadcasts.

A few days ago, BeachGrit outed Barton as a filthy communist bastard,  which you can read here, and which was swiftly refuted, here. 

A very good time to pick up the telephone, I figured.

And, reader, I do wish this was a video broadcast, just so you could see the way his three-month beard twitches and his body quivers with excitement when points are made.

You may not always, or ever, agree with Barton, but he makes for great company.

And, it’s a pantomime I was thrilled to be a part of.


Hill (pictured) on his throne.
Hill (pictured) on his throne.

Universally adored big board surfer, heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne Jonah Hill thrills locals by purchasing “beach side” Malibu Colony home for $15.5 million after signaling move to Hawaii!

Long live the king.

Jonah Hill is, without one doubt the world’s favorite surfer. Over one year ago, now, the Wolf of Wall Street co-star made his love for our sport of kings very well known and was captured much plying his art on Malibu’s gorgeously tapered shoulders. The wildly popular surf network, BeachGrit, celebrated his rise, carefully documenting his every move including his purchase, just one year ago, of a Malibu home thereby insuring his spot as heir to the great Miki Dora’s throne.

Months ago, however, it was revealed that Hill and his surf instructor girlfriend were planning a move to paradise, i.e. Hawaii. The latter posted an Instagram message declaring a love for the islands and spoke of “soon calling this place home.” It was quickly modified but Malibu serfs were thrown into disarray, wondering if their benevolent ruler was going to abdicate. Disarray turned to straight worry when it was reported that the Superbad co-star had unloaded his New York loft for a cool $11 million, the assumption being a home in Honolulu was a foregone conclusion, the kingdom of Waikiki all but his.

Disarray, however, has since been replaced by sheer joy as news is trickling out that the War Dogs co-star has just purchased a beachfront Malibu home for just south of $15.5 million.

Per Dirt:

A little over a year ago, Jonah Hill purchased a contemporary home on the “land side” of Malibu Colony for $9 million. Now records show the Oscar-nominated actor has just doled out nearly $15.5 million for another residence in the same guard-gated enclave, this one on the “beach side,” right on a desirable strip of sand offering picturesque ocean views.

Resided in for decades by the late Paul and Joan Almond — he a Canadian filmmaker, and she a noted photographer — Hills’ most recent acquisition was originally listed for $16.9 million in November 2021 before ultimately going to the “Moneyball” star at a big discount.

Nestled on a compact 0.16-acre parcel, the three-story stucco and wood-shingled structure is separated from the street out front by a two-car garage, brick driveway and gated entry. Built in the 1930s and updated through the years, the traditional-style house has four bedrooms and an equal number of baths in 3,100 square feet of sun-drenched yet decidedly dated living space.

Among the highlights: a fireside living room boasting a vaulted wood-beam ceiling, which flows via wide arched doorways to a formal dining room and family room. There’s also a galley-style kitchen outfitted with green-hued cabinetry and newer stainless appliances. A curving staircase heads upstairs, where the master suite comes complete with an ocean-view balcony, walk-in closet, and bath sporting dual vanities and a tiled rainfall shower.

Long live the king.

Open thread, Comment Live, Elimination Round, Surf City El Salvador Pro, “Long Live the Unity of Latin America!”

Get in the heat, raise your voice!

Former child prodigy, current world number two Jack Robinson lovingly profiled in mainstream press as Australians sniff first men’s world surfing title in a decade!

"Everyone thought I was gonna go crazy..."

It seems like just yesterday that Mick Fanning was hoisting his third title high above his tow head with all of Australia cheering wildly for their hero. The sporting nation has a long, storied history in the ocean waters with many champions before Fanning, including Mark Occhilupo and Mark Richards and Tom Carroll to name but three and there was no indication that mastery over the waves and American and Brazil would end.

Except it accidentally did. That yesterday is now nearly a decade ago and no Australian has been close to a title. Thoroughly and properly dominated by John John Florence and Adriano De Souza.

But could sweet relief be just in reach in the form of Western Australia’s thoroughly lovable Jack Robinson?

After back to back event mainstream news organ The Guardian thinks yes. The one-time prodigy and current world number two is profiled in today’s online issue, readying the public for his potential ascendence.

Robinson talks about this childhood:

I did home-school for a lot of the years. Everyone kind of thought I was gonna go crazy, like didn’t know what was gonna happen with me, because I’d be surfing all the time. It was like: ‘He’s not at school!’. But I had the best time ever. I was lucky to travel at a young age and see the world, see different cultures. It was pretty cool growing up like that.

The World Qualifying Series:

I think my view on it wasn’t very good – especially when the waves were shitty.

His relationship with his unique father:

I think it’s not always the easiest when you’re doing it with your family, them playing the manager as well – doing that with the companies, managing me and then also managing the deals. He’s my Dad – we keep that relationship like that, and I think it’s in a much better place.

And this year’s building pressure:

There’s a lot going on, more eyes on you, people saying this and that. But I think the main thing is to focus on yourself. Take it moment by moment, being present, going surfing.

It is a fine profile, certainly worth a read. Enjoy here.

Yago Dora slams leap of the year and returning world champ Gabriel Medina “underscored yet still unbeatable” on opening day, Surf City El Salvador Pro!

Meanwhile, Italo Ferreira struggles to stay in world title contention… 

Joe Turpel and Mitchell Salazar kicked us off today, each man resplendent in the statutory Hawaiian shirt uniform of the WSL announcer.

Turpel, muted pastels and grey; Salazar, a more robust orange pattern on black background.

Joe turned to Mitchell for introductions.

“Joe Turpel, here with Mitchell Salazar, a man who competed here at the QS level…a few years back.”

The pause was critical.

The pause seemed to look Salazar up and down.

Deliberate or otherwise, it was a wonderful start to the day.

The waves, however, were less than wonderful.

Onshore throughout the day. Never to the stage that they were unsurfable, but relentlessly sectiony and distinctly unpretty.

The quality of the waves was not helped by continual comparisons to J-Bay. In classic WSL Emperor’s New Clothes tradition, they followed the script they had hoped to deliver, not the one we could see.

But the day was not lost, and not without moments of entertainment. More so for me because this comp runs at sociable hours and I’m better able to respond in a timely and lucid fashion.

Not so for the BeachGrit principals, it would seem, who couldn’t even manage to get a live comment post up.

(Editor’s note: A little comms static ‘tween DR and Chas. Stream saved in the back end by DR, instructions sent to Chas to kick live if contest runs, Chas in Germany, good times intervened etc.)

The message was clear: European (or Central American) Gritters be dammed.

One might imagine the mood in El Salvador as low today.

The jewel in the crown of their self-proclaimed “Surf City” failed to shine for the first WCT event in Central America, and Bitcoin continued to plummet to lows not seen for a year or more.

This is the country, if you recall, that made Bitcoin legal tender, and whose government, led by president Nayib Bukele, have gone all in on the digital asset, purchasing 2301 Bitcoins for a cost of around $105 million.

Today, that stash is worth around $51 million.

(I wonder how Mr Diamond Hands is feeling?)

It’s a bold strategy to throw your country’s wealth into such a volatile asset, especially when you’re already in debt.

But what else to do when your back’s against the wall? You might as well gamble.

Far be it from me to criticise.

Buy the dip, boys. Buy the dip.

Safer bets, however, would have been made on professional surfing today, and it’s not often you can say that.

Gabriel Medina, Filipe Toledo and Jack Robinson seem unflappable right now. Victories over lower seeds seem assured in any conditions they’re forced to go in.

Ethan Ewing is close behind.

He never advanced through his heat today, narrowly losing to Yago Dora’s tail-high rotation, the only truly spectacular moment of the day.


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But I was sure that in these conditions he would struggle. I still see Ewing as a surfer who needs good waves to perform, but maybe that’s just a hangover from previous failures at this level. I’m not quite ready to bet the house on him, but his immaculate style and flow was evident even in today’s junky surf, and I noted the improvement.

There is no consistency nor improvement for poor Italo, who can’t seem to buy a win right now.

Would you believe me if I told you that Italo’s only had four scores above an 8.0 all season?

Don’t believe me? Believe Joe Turpel. That’s who said it.

I haven’t fact-checked it (why would I need to, Joe don’t lie) but it’s more than a little surprising. Shocking, even.

Think of how many waves Italo catches. We’re six events deep. Just four scores over 8?

On more than one occasion this season I’ve thought Italo to be judged harshly.

By whom?

Pritamo Ahrendt…a vengeful god…I’m not sure. All I know is that he’s on someone’s bad side.

Caio Ibelli, however, seems to have fallen back into favour now that he’s wound his neck in, ditched the white wettie, and diligently performed his prayers at bedtime. He advanced through to the round of 16 at the expense of Griffin and Jake Marshall. Not entirely surprising given the conditions, I suppose, but I had expected (more than hoped) that Colapinto would be juiced up on Haribos and smash him.

I’m not sure I can stomach any more of Caio Ibelli’s unspectacularly moderate success this season.

At the opposite end of the scale was Medina, who looked underscored yet still unbeatable. The acceleration he gets from his bottom turns is perplexing. He seems to find speed in dead sections of the wave where there should be none.


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I know he’s only been back two minutes, but if Medina appeared at my front door as Vecna from Stranger Things I’d happily let him eat my brain and snap my limbs.

Onto elimination we go.

Let’s hope the wind swings tomorrow, along with my fortunes.

Unfortunately for this writer, Brisa Hennesy’s hoof injury wiped out nearly half of my initial stakes for this competition.

Eat me, Gabriel. Eat me.