Logan (pictured) no longer economically dangerous.
Logan (pictured) no longer economically dangerous.

World Surf League fans exhale major sigh of relief as CEO Erik Logan addresses long-simmering facial hair issue: “It’s Finals Week. Had to call in the professionals to tame down this beard situation LOL.”

Die socialist die.

As you are certainly well aware, the World Surf League opens its Final’s Day window in two days. Of course that does not necessarily mean the event, pitting the top five surfers, on both male and female side, against each other over one scintillating eight-ish hour period will directly run but it will run soon, that much is certain.

As anticipation builds to fever levels, one troubling issue has dogged diehard fans of professional surfing for the past few months.

Namely, the state of WSL CEO Erik Logan’s facial hair.

What was once pure cocaine cowboy has since gone the way, lightly, of Karl Marx and while hirsute radicalism is accepted in some corners, professional surfing is not one of them. The world’s favorite surf commentator Barton “Papa Surf” Lynch, for example, was unceremoniously sacked for possibly getting too weird, metaphorically economically.

Seeing as nobody doesn’t like Lynch, aficionados worried that Logan’s visual pivot to “socialism” might endanger his position and, thus, upset the apple cart once again after a string of failed CEOs including, but not limited to, Paul Speaker.

Well, a major sigh of relief was exhaled, moments ago, when the Oklahoma native addressed the issue publicly.

In a video trend popular with 11-year-old girls, Logan shared a stunning before and after, writing, “It’s finals week. had to call in the professionals to tame down this Beard situation. lol. @neekobackstage_ exciting times ahead see everyone at lower Trestles! LFG!!!!!”


View this post on Instagram


A post shared by Erik Logan (@elo_eriklogan)

LFG stands for “let’s fucking go” to the under-informed here.

Logan spared for now.


Clouds (pictured).
Clouds (pictured).

Hysteria, wanton panic buying, grip Southern California as weather models appear to show mighty hurricane tracking into Golden State!

Apocalypse Day.

Sheer panic has taken hold in Southern California as weather models are making the rounds, emailed from person to person, shared from phone to phone at block parties, appearing to show a mighty hurricane forming just below Baja with a trajectory bringing it directly to the Golden State.

Tropical Storm Kay is swirling and twirling there, clouds forming that classical hurricanal shape, and growing.

Southern Californians, not used to this sort of weather event, are using it as an opportunity to hysterically buy generators, plywood, big jugs of water, batteries and other items they have jealously watched their Floridian brothers and sisters hysterically buy for years.

Surfline is grouchily downplaying the potential, as the hurricane is not the World Surf League, declaring, “To be very clear: a hurricane is not going to hit Southern California and it’s a coin flip on whether we get any surf at all from Kay. But there are several possible impacts ranging from surf to wind to precipitation as this very large storm strengthens and tracks near – or possibly over – Baja. However, due to a highly uncertain forecast track beyond 72 hours, the precise details will need to be worked out in the coming days.”

Bah humbug.

But imagine Tropical Storm Kay was the World Surf League. There would certainly be calls for 1000 mph winds and 700 ft swells and absolute certainty 142 hours out.

Apocalypse Day.

Stephanie Gilmore, far left. | Photo: Steve Sherman/@sherms

“Kelly Slater of surf journalism” predicts horror end to Stephanie Gilmore’s quest for historic eighth world title at Lower Trestles, “She has absolutely no chance of winning this world title!”

No record-smashing eighth crown for Gilmore says "His Holy Frothness".

The former BeachGrit habitué who now steers Surfline in Australia, Nick Carroll, has driven his sword into Stephanie Gilmore’s world title hopes in a sizzling interview on the always heart-quickening Ain’t That Swell podcast. 

Carroll, who is sixty-three and described as “his Holy Frothness” for his storied forty-year-plus career in surf media, made the claim as he gave his characteristically thoughtful analysis of Rip Curl Finals Day, which is gonna be held at Lowers, sometime between September eight and sixteen. 

Asked how he figured Gilmore, who goes into Finals Day ranked fifth and who must beat three other surfers to have a shot at world number one Carissa Moore, would fare, Carroll first, carefully applies a layer of butter. 

“Ah, well, Stephanie, is probably my most favourite surfer in the world world, really, just because she’s got the best style of any surfer in the world and I’m a sucker for that. But…”


“I will say she’s got absolutely no chance of winning this world title.” 

Cue roar of laughter. 

Nick Carroll, in situ, at a surfing contest, sometime in the nineteen eighties. Note, cigarettes affixed to adonis belt. Photo: Tom Carroll.

“She’s got some nasty opposition between her and Carissa and I suspect one will take her out at some point. But…”


“If she was number two, she’d be a serious risk to Carissa. Steph has a lot of surf for here, eight world titles, can you imagine? She’d be the all-time one, then. Imagine would Layne (Beachley, who ties Gilmore for most world titles at seven apiece) would say! But…”


“I can’t see it, it’s too big an ask.” 

Vans down a billion shekels in sales, Billabong, RVCA and Quik brought in to stem the leak.

Rumour: VF Corp, owner of Vans, just bought Billabong, Quiksilver and RVCA and only days before mass-sackings and after almost a decade of circling the once-iconic surf brands!

Vans, meanwhile, drops a billion in sales!

Az predicted a month back, and set to be revealed in coming days, is VF Corp’s acquisition of the once-iconic surf brands, Billabong, Quiksilver and RVCA. 

Quiksilver, Billabong and RVCA all operate, or operated I suppose now, under the umbrella Boardriders Inc, majority owned by Oaktree Capital, an American global asset management firm

VF Corp, a behemoth in rude fiscal health that owns fifty percent of the US backpack market via its brands North Face, Timberland, Eastpak and JanSport, first had a swing at Billabong in 2013.

VF offered over half-a-billion dollars, before ending the chase when it became “too expensive.” 

Dreams do come true, as they say, and the acquisition by one of the world’s largest apparel, footwear and accessories companies, consolidates VF Corp, which also owns the canvas shoe company Vans, as the hub around which surf fashion now revolves. 

The buy comes amid mass sackings within the company, six hundred jobs shed following an astonishing one-billion dollar drop in sales from the aforementioned Vans, China and supply issues blamed for the probs.

More when the ink dries.

Zuckerberg (left) and Lenny. Happier times.
Zuckerberg (left) and Lenny. Happier times.

Big-wave honeypot Kai Lenny responds to public dumping by “Meta King” Mark Zuckerberg with vicious snub of his own: “My non-surfing heroes are Travis Pastrana and Bruce Lee!”


News broke, over the evening, that Facebook founder, CEO Mark Zuckerberg had very publicly broken up with erstwhile BFF, big-wave honeypot Kai Lenny. In a relationship tremor no one saw coming, the extreme sport aficionado (Zuckerberg) shared that the new Meta of his eye is none other than UFC debutant Kha “The Shadow” Wu, even sharing pictures of the two in hot pants dancing some erotic dance.

Lenny, initially silent, has responded today with his own vicious snub.

In an interview with Forbes, a magazine for the rich and richer, the Maui-born stud was asked “What athletes have inspired you most as a surfer and outside surfing?”

The answer brutally snarky.

The most inspiration I’ve drawn from athletes from an early age was from the (group of famed surfers known as) the “Strapped Crew”—Laird Hamilton, Buzzy Kerbox, Dave Kalama, Rush Randall, Derek Doerner. They were the first surfers to tow into unrideable waves and broke those barriers and did it in such a cool way.

I always wanted to be a part of that. Plus, competition-wise, I respect and look to Kelly Slater and Robby Naish in their respective fields, surfing and windsurfing.

Outside of surfing I’ve always been impressed with (motorcycle racer) Travis Pastrana. Just his fearlessness and how nice of a person he is, how much he innovated within that. Of course, always thought of Bruce Lee as a hero too.

Zuckerberg clearly inhabits both surfing and outside surfing spaces thus amplifying his omission.

The question now, Zuckerberg’s hole has already been filled by Wu but which multi-billionaire will sweep Lenny off his feet?

More as the story develops.