Catty.

News broke, over the evening, that Facebook founder, CEO Mark Zuckerberg had very publicly broken up with erstwhile BFF, big-wave honeypot Kai Lenny. In a relationship tremor no one saw coming, the extreme sport aficionado (Zuckerberg) shared that the new Meta of his eye is none other than UFC debutant Kha “The Shadow” Wu, even sharing pictures of the two in hot pants dancing some erotic dance.

Lenny, initially silent, has responded today with his own vicious snub.

In an interview with Forbes, a magazine for the rich and richer, the Maui-born stud was asked “What athletes have inspired you most as a surfer and outside surfing?”

The answer brutally snarky.

The most inspiration I’ve drawn from athletes from an early age was from the (group of famed surfers known as) the “Strapped Crew”—Laird Hamilton, Buzzy Kerbox, Dave Kalama, Rush Randall, Derek Doerner. They were the first surfers to tow into unrideable waves and broke those barriers and did it in such a cool way.

I always wanted to be a part of that. Plus, competition-wise, I respect and look to Kelly Slater and Robby Naish in their respective fields, surfing and windsurfing.

Outside of surfing I’ve always been impressed with (motorcycle racer) Travis Pastrana. Just his fearlessness and how nice of a person he is, how much he innovated within that. Of course, always thought of Bruce Lee as a hero too.

Zuckerberg clearly inhabits both surfing and outside surfing spaces thus amplifying his omission.

The question now, Zuckerberg’s hole has already been filled by Wu but which multi-billionaire will sweep Lenny off his feet?

More as the story develops.

A work of singular genius.

In this year 2022 it can sometimes seem like we have seen it all. A twenty-year-old from Cocoa Beach, Florida somehow winning the Pipeline Masters on Oahu’s terrifying North Shore. A near-fifty-year-old more than twice the age of his competitors storming back and, someway, winning the Pro Pipeline.

Etc.

But yesterday morning early, as I crossed over the Pacific Coast Highway to a spot I surf regularly, I witnessed something that I have not only never seen but never imagined.

A work of singular genius.

A pop tent has been set up, you see, in the parking lot and a knot of locals mingled. As I got closer, I saw that Rip Zinger was behind a camp stove, mixing some wildly delicious Japanese breakfast, serving on paper plates with biodegradable utensils.

Now, Rip is a local legend and jack-of-all-trades. Originally from Japan, he mostly resides in North County, San Diego these days. He snowboards, skates, surfs, of course, but is also an award-winning photographer and in-demand chef, hired for celebrity home parties. But here he was cooking in a parking lot on a camp stove.

As I sauntered up he smiled widely.

“What you doing Rip?” I asked.

“I am cooking breakfast for everyone I burned last year and everyone I’m planning on burning this year,” he beamed.

Absolute inspiration.

The meal was irresistible, some Japanese pancake and delicately seasoned noodle combination, and once taken, the eater has clearly entered into a contract. His or her waves for yum yums. Much like Esau trading his birthright to younger brother Jacob for a bowl of stew.

To be fair, there was some debate amongst the gathered locals whether or not the breakfast only covered past sins or future ones as well, but Rip was insistent that it was both and, as chef, I feel it was his call.

I took a plate, ate and now carry a target on my back or, rather, chest, but, boy oh boy, was it tasty.

Probably worth it.

Follow the money.

The champagne is not yet dry following almost fifty-one-year-old Kelly Slater’s stunning victory over the best surfers in a monumental generation at the Four Seasons Maldives specialty contest. Fans thrilled as Rob Machado, Taylor Steele, Shane Dorian etc. battled it out with single, twin and three-finned surfboards, Slater losing then winning the big money at the end.

Thrills and chills.

Except.

Was the event actually sanctioned by the home of professional surfing, the World Surf League?

The issue was floated after the just-announced re-imagined and anti-woman Pipeline Masters revealed that WSL surfers would be free to participate while turning equality’s clock back.

Slater, current World Surf League number fifteen, given a pass to perform in singlet?

Surf journalism says “No.” That Slater was reprimanded in the form of a fine.

As the world’s greatest surfer maybe owns a nibble of his employer, via the WSL’s acquisition of Slater’s Wave Ranch, further questions begin to percolate.

Does the potential fine flow back to the 11-time champion’s pocket or at least a portion of it? Sources close to the works suggest the exact amount is being debated.

While any ding could, should be easily absorbed by the multi-millionaire and paid with uncaring flair like Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban pays his, Slater is, by all accounts, notoriously cheap. Ridiculously cheap. Absurdly cheap.

Like, wow cheap.

Are you wow cheap?

If the fine doesn’t end up in his wallet will he be sad and/or finally retire in protest?

More as the story develops.

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it."

Yesterday, surfers became extremely shocked to learn that forecasting juggernaut Surfline had celebrated the upcoming Labor Day celebration by giving many of its employees permanent time off. After receiving $30 million from investment first TCG barely two-years ago, the advertising, content, design, and data science departments were gutted along with the entire brand team, sent home to enjoy hot dogs and Pepsi served from nearby breadlines.

At the same time, but unknown to surfers trying to learn if the waves for the upcoming World Surf League Final’s Day are going to be 20 or 30 feet,  parent company of canvas shoe behemoth Vans, VF Corp., has followed suit and axed 600 jobs of its own.

An extreme sport “Laceration before Labor Day.”

Per Complex:

An internal letter from VF Corp. chairman, president, and CEO Steve Rendle obtained by the outlet expounded on the cuts but did not mention which locations or brands were affected by the layoffs. “We’re working to improve those areas of the business that need attention,” Rendle reportedly wrote. He said the company would take “a strategic and thoughtful approach to new roles going forward.”

And…

While brands like The North Face experience record sales, Vans has struggled in recent years, with a noted sharp decline in China. Meanwhile, during a May earnings call, Rendle was optimistic about Supreme and hinted at opening new locations in Asia.

Vans workers taking the brunt for poor Chinese performance?

The just-announced re-imagined and thoroughly unequal Pipeline Masters under threat?

Whatever the case, surf, skate and snow dreams are now filling shallow graves.

Pour a Bud Light out for them today or tomorrow.