And how it might just be saved by a country boy
from the nineties who once threatened Kelly Slater's dominance!
This writer was recently afforded the opportunity for a
two-and-a-half-week road trip along Australia’s east
coast, travelling from Newcastle in the south to Noosa in
the north. A distance of roughly 570 miles each way.
Late winter.
Cusp of spring.
Usually a dormant time along this stretch, wave-wise, but an
active La Nina cycle has seen a conveyor belt of easterly trade
swells keeping conditions alive. A family holiday, so not dedicated
entirely to surfing. But enough time was spent in the water to form
a rough contemporaneous sketch.
In that time approximately ten different locations were
surfed:
Saltwater
Queens
Delicate nobby
Broken head x 3
Suffolk Park
Sunshine beach x 3
Noosa (Tea Tree and First Point)
Superbank
Pippys x 2
Turners
Angourie x 3
Such a mix of high-profile and lesser known spots allows the
observer a unique transect of the current species of littoral fauna
active in the Australian surf biosphere.
This is not a comprehensive list.
I have not attempted to catalogue all species encountered at
each location given a) levels of duplication b) some rare solitary
surfs and c) some people not being as funny as others.
This is meant purely as a guide. A reference point. A record of
a moment in time. Picture a crystal, held in direct sunlight, its
many faces beaming.
Let us begin.
Saltwater
Conditions: Glassy, 3-4’ SE swell hitting the inside section on
a mid to low tide. Approx 20 subjects in water in total
Species observed:
Mr Go with the Flow
A middle-aged male raised on a steady diet of surf media
consumption. Competent without rising above the pack. Likely to
follow prevailing trends of board design though generally surfs
well enough to understand the nuances of each. Rode a 6’3 x 18 ½ x
2 /14 in the ‘90s, a 5’10 x 19 x 2 ½ in the noughties and is now on
a mid length when the conditions dictate. Will generally ride
whatever he feels he is being told to. Being a wobbly right point
with a flatter face, this particular subject was riding a new
looking Christenson tracker, single fin, with no legrope. He
subsequently lost his board on his first wave. Board went up and
over the cobblestone point with owner catfishing behind it. Last
seen heading back to car for said legrope.
Status: Of little concern. Plays an integral role as both
predator and prey in the ecosystem. Population steady.
The big Aussie Battler
Usually a 40+ toiler who has been riding the same dimensions for
the last twenty years with the motto Give me a 6’1 or give me
death. Generally well built but with an expansive middle section,
often alternatively referred to as a skinny fat cunt. Takes to a
meandering, flat faced point wave with the same gusto he would a
heaving Indo wall or a mid-morning pie from the local bakery.
Admirable in dedication to the cause despite the overwhelming
reality of the situation with which he is faced.
Status: While aggressive in small pockets and an important apex
predator in the food chain, the big Aussie battler’s overall sparse
distribution, dwindling population numbers and fatty diet mean that
this species will soon be classified as protected.
Broken Head
Conditions: wobbly 2-3’ swell with ENE onshore winds. Coupla
runners but.
Species observed
Mr Friction
Early-to-mid 30s. Tanned, taut skin. Impeccably built. Eyes to lose
yourself in. Mr Friction most often works in the industry or
industry-adjacent, and is a highly competent surfer. Most likely
has been sponsored at some point. Always ahead of the pack.
Rejecting the form and function of traditional high performance
equipment, Mr Friction now rides a finless foamy in anything under
3 foot. Yet he still sprays innocent bystanders with the same fury
he unleashed on his competitors in the U14s division at the 1998
Rusty Gromfest in Lennox Head.
Status: Steady. Plays an important role in the overall ecosystem,
especially in crowded point waves.
The She-Rahs
An introduced species, usually hailing from European or South
American countries. The She-Rahs travel in packs of 3-4, riding
those DHD twins with the floral inlays and wearing hi cut Rip Curl
wetties. They love good vibes, hi-5s and post-surf gin and
kombuchas.
Status: A welcome addition to the ecosystem, though they do need
to chill the fuck out sometimes. To monitor and evaluate at a later
date.
Tea Tree
Conditions: 3’ runners, cleaner than an Inertia afterparty.
Species observed:
The Skullet
I dunno about this one. Was just a guy ripping on a mal at Tea
Trees who looked like a cross between Owen Wright and Martin Bryant
and had one of the best skullets (long hair with a bald crown) I’ve
ever seen.
Status: a rare and beautiful creature. To be protected at all
costs.
Sunshine Beach
Conditions: 4-5 E swell on the open beach with occasional bigger
ones. some push to it. Solid wide sets regularly sweeping the line
up.
Species observed:
The Board Guide Baron
The littoral zone encompasses not just the sea itself but the
adjacent land. This particular species was observed in the Sunshine
beach surf club, a popular watering hole that attracts a broad
cross species of endemic and exotic fauna. Time was 330pm, Friday
afternoon. Peak libation period.
The Board Guide Baron is the Antipodean cousin to the well known
Surfline Man. Usually found buying overpriced surf gear and
gentrifying coastal suburbs. Similarities to Mr Go with the Flow
but two notable discerning features: Board Guide Barons have only
recently started surfing and will take anything read online
regarding boards as gospel. Kale Broccoli acolytes. Skill level is
such that the minutiae of design they discuss make little to no
difference to their overall performance.
Two subjects spotted on this occasion. Post surf. Well
presented. Early 40s with youthful, soft faces. Dressed in what
could best be described as Casual Friday work wear. Well-fitted
jeans, unblemished Vans sneakers. Keys to late model SUVs,
big-screen smartphone, schooner of mid-strength craft beer by their
side.
“Bro I saw you have the new JS, tell me about it?
“Well I felt like it went really well out there today but I
probably could have used something with a few more litres through
the nose. From what I was reading online I think the Sharpeye would
have been a better purchase for my skillset given the lower rocker
entry but the online guide at Board Warehouse suggestd the JS with
its more forgiving outline was the go. If it continues to
disappoint I’ll most definitely be leaving them a bad Google
review.”
“Right on.”
Status: Already overwhelming certain ecosystems. Targeted cull
recommended.
SuperBank
Conditions: lazy 3 foot of E swell resulting in some runners but
baby food in between. No sand behind the rock, so takeoff is around
little mali. Paddle out is now behind take off zone, meaning
anybody can make it out the back. An entire book could be written
on this joint alone. Not just a microcosm of the genus surf but an
exacerbation of it.
Ms. Ripper
Female version of Mr Go With the Flow, or even the Big Aussie
Battler, but infinitely cooler. Usually a little older, still
riding high-performance equipment. Practical. Wears a springsuit or
utilitarian swimsuit. Could be riding a bigger board to be more
competitive, but like the Aussie Battler steadfastly refuses to
cede defeat. This makes her an easy mark, but anybody that paddles
around or snakes her is a straight up kook. If you know, you know.
Subsequently, she still gets her fill.
Status: to be protected, proserved, and promoted
The Transplant
A close cousin to The Board Guide Baron but usually on a mini mal
or oversized funboard, wearing below the knees and bright rash
shirt. Can surf but exploits extra length and width for own
purposes. Talks loudly about how much more relaxed it is up the
coast than back on the Northern Beaches as he takes his third set
in a row.
Status: Quickly becoming a pest, but the transplant usually
disappears once the surf gets over 4’ – as such he can be tolerated
/ burned in any other conditions.
Mr POV
The Go-Pro-in-mouth-clasping, barely intermediate bro. He writhes
his way down the point on his new FireWire, filming content for his
Nathan Florence knock off youtube channel with titles like ‘POV
surfing crowded Snapper Rocks’ and is likely to sue you for assault
when he drops in on you and dings his board.
Status: Cull with extreme prejudice.
Angourie
Conditions: 4-5’ SE swell, slow but with the odd wrapper
Species observed:
Shane Powell
Powelly, man. Wow. He was looking lithe. Healthy. A little less
grass on the dome but otherwise fighting fit. A walking
contradiction in that he was wearing a camouflage wetsuit with a
bright red board. Do you want to be seen or not?
But any chance of staying low-key went out the window on his
first wave. Scintillating surfing. Tight, concise lines. Incredible
to watch up close. Stylish, swooping turns, the type Angourie loves
to tease out of you. But seeing Shane’s approach was mind blowing.
There was one insane double tap of a slightly crumbling lip that
appeared to defy the laws of physics. Even the Universe couldn’t
keep up with what he was doing.
The sun pixellated.
Clocks clicked twice.
A cosmic moment.
Status: Shane Powell
