Not Laird Hamilton approved.

Can we be honest with each other, if just for one moment? Do you cry at movies? I will be the first to admit that an emotional scene in a well-crafted film will get me teary. Oh, I won’t sob but the sting definitely comes followed by blurred vision and then a tear, maybe two. I will try and not bring attention to myself so will pretend to stretch, or some such, while wiping away but there it is.

I bubbled up during Punch Drunk Love, Forrest Gump, The Empire Strikes Back. I did not during Titanic though it Is considered, by many, a very sad picture.

The James Cameron blockbuster, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, is set, of course, on the ill-fated steamship that went down after striking an iceberg in the north Atlantic. Cameron fictionalized a tale of a large bauble, held by a headstrong social climber, that might be amongst the wreckage captivating Bill Paxton, and takes us into those final doomed hours where she shakes responsibility in order to make pornography with a poverty-stricken doodler.

But might they both have fit on that door and both survived?

The question, which has been haunting fans for years, was hours ago squished by Winslet herself on a recent podcast.

“I don’t fucking know. That’s the answer, I don’t fucking know,” Winslet said at first, according to Insider, before lending a considered answer after explaining that she has an “understanding of water” from SUPing.

“If you put two adults on a stand-up paddleboard, it becomes immediately extremely unstable,” she explained. “So the reality is, it was a door. I have to be honest, I actually don’t believe that we would have survived if we had both gotten on that door. I think he would have fit but it would have tipped and it would not have been a sustainable idea.”

Who knew that stand-up paddleboarding would be valuable for anything at all much less explaining great cinematic truths?

Laird Hamilton, that’s who.

Except he famously proved that two adults can, in fact, be put on a stand-up paddleboard, even naked, and soar.

Try to justify your selfishness again, Kate.

It's hard out there for a local.

Any surfer who knows anything about anything knows that the practice of “localism” has changed drastically during the past few decades. Certain waves used to have reputations and outsiders were not welcome, infractions in the water were dealt with through or threats of violence.

Waxed windshields. Broken fins. Busted teeth.

And nowhere did this way of life, hierarchy of respect, present itself more poetically that on the Hawaiian islands. From Kauai to Oahu, Maui to the Big One, keeping folk in line was a way of life and time honored tradition. Those who didn’t belong in lineups didn’t paddle out, or if they did, and failed to learn the consequences of their mistake naturally, would be taught on the beach by men with names that struck fear.

Well, times have shifted and now we have influencers attempting to decapitate locals at Pipeline with no penalty.

Cop calling Gogganses creating a free-for-all hell.

One brave man on Oahu’s west side, though, decided to buck the trend of worrying about lawyers this and lawsuits that and enforce the traditional way.

Samson Souza, or Brother Sam, is a native Hawaiian who posted up on Makua Beach six months ago after becoming infuriated by vans full of tourists coming to swim with dolphins. A sign declares “No Commercial Activity,” but was not being policed, and so Brother Sam took it upon himself.

“Swimming with the dolphins, which is against the law. They take pictures of this place and some of them put it on their websites and make money off of it,” he told Hawaii News Now.

Visitor Emily Silge heard about his quest, though, and became real mad. “Well, I had heard there was a guy down at Makua threatening people so immediately pulled right up next to them and got out my car and said you cannot be threatening people. He was calling me all these racial slurs telling me because I’m haole, and I’m white I’m not allowed to be at this beach because this is where his ancestors are.”

A few other similar instances led the Honolulu prosecutor to charge Brother Sam with harassment and second-degree terroristic threatening. He now must appear in court on Dec. 28 and get all in trouble and stuff.

Quick question. Is “haole” really a racial slur?

But also, David Lee Scales had a wonderful idea that the homeless population encamped on many west side beaches should be shipped to the North Shore this winter so they can do the enforcement in return for being sheltered in the Volcom House. A good idea but will Brother Sam’s charging negatively affect the roll-out?

Possibly.

We discussed various plans plus the new, reimagined Pipe Masters on this week’s chat, in any case.

Worth a listen.