"The bald look intimidates people. Short and nasty."

“King of the Waves” Julian Wilson debuts jaw-dropping “Mr Clean” look on Instagram, “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough!”

“I had a Gollywog mop of beautiful right brown curls with sun-bleached tips. It’s hard to believe now, but I once had trouble running fingers or a brush through it.” 

The Australian Olympian Julian Wilson whose new multi-functional clothing brand Rivvia Projects has raised eyebrows with its tight poom-poom shorts and radically aggressive off-the-shoulder tees, has debuted his dramatic transformation from hirsute Prince Valiant to a wild looking Mr Clean on Instagram. 

“What’s interesting is a man with no facial hair is less intimidating than a man with facial hair, and a man who is bald is more intimidating than a man with hair.”

After a brave decade-long fight, Wilson, who is thirty-four and a former world number two, threw in the towel on Friday, joining the ranks of bald surfers which include the greatest of all time, Kelly Slater, the Brazilian Jadson Andre, 2001 world champ CJ Hobgood, Nathan Hedge and Pipe Master Jake Paterson.

“I had a Gollywog mop of beautiful right brown curls with sun-bleached tips,” recalled Paterson some years back. “It’s hard to believe now, but I once had trouble running fingers or a brush through it.” 

With baldness comes a caveat, however. 

“Bald isn’t like being ethnic or disabled,” warned the critic AA Gill. “Everyone can and will make jokes about it and expect you to laugh good-naturedly, which you will.


“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair,” says Larry David. “But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

Sexy Jackie, left, and sweet, vulnerable Pip.

Post-Pipeline and Pre-Portugal Power Rankings, “Filipe Toledo’s transient helplessness reminds us of his little boy charm and sweet vulnerability!”

A freaky rogue's gallery of sex-pots with rattlesnake instincts!

Stuff happened in Hawaii that surprised… no one.

Jack won Pipe, leaving his usual rope of dried semen on the world’s chin, and brave little Pip, the reigning world champ although with an asterisk, won Sunset thus completing his transmogrification from wide-eyed lamb to beefy shouldered big-wave stud.

A lot of dross surfed both contests.

35. Ramzi Boukhiam
: Missing both Hawaii events, Ramzi has accrued 530 points, approximately the same amount one might have expected him to earn had he competed anyway… that’s not true, even the next guy on the list made it through a heat. Whatever, still out injured for Portugal, Ramzi is looking down a potential 2022 Liam O’Brien season, where he is cut before healthy enough to compete.

34. Maxime Huscenot:
 Since it was established in 1635,  l’Académie Française has existed as the elitist, state-sponsored outfit responsible for the regulation of all matters of the French language to make sure it does not become corrupted. While it seems stupid to have an official body whose main function is to be responsible for maintaining the purity of a language, I think it would be good if someone created an organisation that could regulate which people we get to watch on Tour. Such an organization would have snuffed Maxime a long time ago.

33. Jadson Andre: 
Injured for Sunset and not going to make Portugal, it is a little sad to see Jaddy in dead last with Ramzi. Only yesterday he was taking to the air and collecting Aussie and American scalps, serving as an omen, along with ADS, of a Brazilian Anti-Style takeover of surfing. While that didn’t happen (Pip and Gabe and Italo swooped into the light), it is fun to reminisce about and laugh at how stupid our past selves were.

32. K-Hole Andino: 
Speaking of the stupidity of our past selves, surfing’s collective past self was apparently super retarded thinking K-Hole was ever a World Title threat. Two straight losses in the Round of 32 to start the year, K-Hole will be looking to simply stay on Tour by Margs time.

31. Michael Rodrigues: 
My name is what?

30. Zeke Lau: With a game tighter than mosquito pussy, ain’t no reason Zeke gonna languish here in gurgling silence.

29. Jake Marshall: 
Two straight 17ths sees Jakey on the wrong side of the knife heading into Portugal. Nerve racking for him considering Sunset represents his best chance of success, but not something he can’t come back from. He surfed decently in Hawaii, made a couple waves at Pipe (an improvement on last year) and got hosed by the judges in favor of Ol’ King Jimmy at Sunset. Long shot, but maybe.

28. Kelly Slater
: As Hawaii proved this year, Kelly needs good waves to perform. Will be tough to watch should he be cut after Margs, all commentary duties should be gifted to Kelly. It will be fun to listen to him constantly relating everything going on in the water to a random heat he had during some contest no one remembers all while trying to one up himself.

27. Jackson Baker: 
Four sub-10 total heats in Hawaii, one could argue that Jackson had a bad showing… well, he did, he got two 17ths, but he did happen to put together a very overinflated 15.00 total against Kanoa in the Round of 32 at Sunset and lost. That, coupled with his look suggesting he’s going to offer me a sarsaparilla at some Old West saloon, I was really tempted to lift him a little higher, but his claims knock him down a couple pegs. Why is everyone claiming every wave? Even wobble fuck turns like Jackson’s were claimed. Gross.

26. Rio Waida: 
After an impressive ninth at Pipe (even after discounting his juiced 7.0 in Round of 32), I was excited to see how he would do at Sunset. Even making one heat, his Elimination Round one against Zeke, I was thoroughly unimpressed, mostly due his overselling the interference.

25. Connor O’Leary
: Shit the bed in Hawaii, leading to the concern that he could possibly not requalify for the Tour via the Tour. If the judging criteria was head size, Connor would be guaranteed perpetual participation.

24. Barron Mamiya
: Did you know that Barron likes to ride smaller boards like 6’2”s out at Sunset? Oh, you did! Well, of course you did, because the commentators wouldn’t button up about the dudes riding smaller boards at those vague specifications (6’2”s) during the comp. Speaking of, it’s always funny to hear old has beens talk about modern competitors riding the wrong equipment, like them using the old farts’ boards of yesteryear would allow them to hack the waves to pieces like they never did.

23. Ryan Callinan: 
Seems to exist only for the elite guys to devour and/or trip up against.

22. Kanoa Igarashi
: Sometimes I feel bad for disliking particular people. And, in some instances, I feel so bad that I end up somewhat liking them just to troll myself. When it comes to the case of disliking Kanoa, I haven’t decided whether that should apply. Perhaps it his complete lack of charm or his self-aware insistence on making being annoying his whole personality as a mechanism to mute any real criticism of his persona/antics by saying claiming it’s just who he is that rubs me the wrong way. Expect him to be a standout in Portugal, but Hawaii kind of sucked for him.

21. Liam O’Brien
: To steal a Derek Riellyism, ooooooweeee, Liam blew up in Hawaii! He didn’t really, but he did make the QF at Pipe, which should bolster his requalification chances enough to where he won’t have to surf the Challenger Series. Would be a cool turnaround for Mr. Physics to stick after having his leg amputated last year.

20. Callum Robson
: Last year’s winner of the Morgan Cibilic Award for Inexplicable Aussie Tour success, Callum did not surf well in Hawaii, never cracking 10-point combined heat total (peaking at 8.33 in the Round of 32 at Sunset). Not entirely his fault that his scores sucked, as the waves were garbage when he surfed.

19. Samuel Pupo: 
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Sammy boy, not for anything I have written about him directly, but in that in my last installment, I referred to Callum as having won Rookie-of-the-Year last year, when it was in fact Samuelsan.

18. Ian Gentil
: Watching midgets all day, it can be a little disorienting seeing a comparatively taller, lanky dude ride the same waves, especially someone like Ian, whose arms sometimes look like he’s practicing taekwondo blocks, specifically the olgul makki technique. I’m looking forward to seeing Gentil take on the fat, slopey rights of Bells, which should provide enough of an open canvas to see him in all his potentially gawky glory.

17. Matthew McGillivray: 
A last-place finish at Pipe and a quarterfinal finish at Sunset has Matty all by his lonesome in the number 15 spot on Tour. Spicy stuff.

16. Miguel Pupo
: Miggy’s rated eighth on the WSL rankings, but only 16th here? Yeah, but only because like having a crush on someone you see often but who you’re unsure about whether they’d share in those same feelings, I must protect myself and keep my distance/keep playing things too subtly, so as to avoid looking like a fool should everything go sideways.

15. Jordan Michael Smith
: Almost no matter what the result is that comes from his performances, Jordan manages to simultaneously surprise and be predictable. He makes a quarterfinals at Pipe? Well, he certainly has the talent, but he also generally underperforms. He gets a 17th at Sunset, a place where he should dominate? Well, he’s a bit of bonehead when it comes to competing, but surfs too well for that to happen.

14. Nat Young: 
Hate to do this, but I am just going to say that I like Natty’s surfing on his backhand. Powerful, horizontal, and repetitive in the vein of Occy, it is strangely compelling. Did I just compare another goofyfooter’s backside to Occy? Put me in the booth.

13. Seth Moniz
: Another great start in Hawaii for Set…. Wait, he got two ninths but is rated eighth? Motherfucker.

12. Caio Ibelli: As well as being sneaky good at surfing, much better than you ever remember him being, he must have a top-notch personality or undisclosed personal wealth.

11. Leonardo Fioravanti: After failing to make the cut last year, he’s already requalified for next year this year. Motherfucker in the Seth Moniz sense.

10. Carlos Muñoz: 
Placed here only to keep Leonardo from making it into the Top 10. Had to do it… on second thought…

9. Italo Ferreira: 
Shitty start for everyone’s favorite TV DEA agent, Ike will pick up steam in Portugal where anything less than a semi would be truly shocking.

8. Yago Dora: 
Unlucky to meet a rampaging Baby Chumbo at Sunset, Yago didn’t start the year as anyone expected. Do I care? Fuck no, Reincarnated-But-More-Electric-Gerry-Lopez is awesome.

7. Ethan Ewing
: A disappointing result at Pipe, followed by a to-be expected performance at Sunset (a quarterfinal finish), I have nothing to other to offer about Ethan’s surfing outside saying he’s well rounded enough to get results anywhere except T’poo, held among the favorites at Bells, Margs, El Salvador, and J-Bey.

6. John John Florence
: When John John is on, like during his Round of 16 heat against Miguel Pupo at Pipe, it seems hardly fathomable that anyone else could win a World Title. The problem is that sometimes his talent can be so overwhelming (just bask in it) and his ability to make the impossible look so thoroughly easy that when he’s surfing more pedestrianly, he’ll be underscored. In his OF with Jack, he was underscored, while Jack, due to his innate ability to make both hard and easy things look hard and radical (ala early-aughts Andy Irons), surfed no better but won with almost a point to spare.

5. Gabriel Medina: 
Two ninths ain’t so great, but he’ll make the cut, win at the Kook Pond or at Chopes, and snatch the number one seed for Lowers.

4. Joao Chianca: 
Picking up where he left off at Pipe last year, Joao surfed as if fizzing with electricity, this time making it to the semis before losing to Golden Boy. He followed that up with a semi at Sunset, a mixture of Filipe Toledo and Tyler Wright (too many laybacks). With these performances, especially at Sunset, he’s already requalified for next year. Without the stress of possibly being cut, it’ll be fun to see him pack barrels at Teahupoo and put it on rail everywhere else to try to push into Finals Day.

3. Griffin Colapinto
: I admire Griffin. Watching him interact in post-heat interviews and video clips, I always had the sense that Griffin felt uncomfortable in his own skin, which he admitted to in Episode 6 of the latest season of Make or Break. What’s interestingt and what I kind of admire, is how he decided to deal with those feelings, by acting sincerely, which is almost completely opposite to how I’ve dealt with my own issues of inadequacy and self-doubt. Sure, I probably am reading way too much even into that supposed revelation via Griff… anyway, after a poor result at Pipe, he got back on track at Sunset, surfing like the mega talent he is.

2. Jack Robinson: 
Fantastic performances from Robbo in Hawaii, with a win at Pipe and semi at Sunset, has him sitting in the top slot with the yellow jersey heading to Europe and looking “ominous,” as Aussie commentators would say (to quote Inigo Montoya, “I don’t think that word means what you think it means”). The most amazing part of his Hawaiian contest adventure was his record-breaking feat of riding-the-most-waves-on-Tour-without-being-underscored-on-a-single-one-to-start-a-career at Sunset. Through Sunset, across all competitions since 2013, Jack has now ridden 461 consecutive waves without once being underscored. Miraculous, especially since it is the longest to start a career and has only been eclipsed by one Mick Fanning, who owns the overall consecutive record at 601, put together in the late-aughts/2010s using just three turns. Will he ever catch Mick? If Pritamo has anything to say about it, he will.

1. Filipe Toledo
: Pippy’s transient helplessness reminds us of his little boy charm and sweet vulnerability. Winning at Sunset, Pippy proved once again that he is the best surfer on-rail on Tour. In second position with Pipe gone, look for him to seal up a spot for Trestles by El Salvador on his way to becoming a two-time defending champ.

The Inertia founder Zach Weisberg (peeping) liking what he sees.
The Inertia founder Zach Weisberg (peeping) liking what he sees.

Environmentally conscious outdoor blog The Inertia stuns diehard fans by promoting landfill-ready big box store Wavestorm surfboards!

The nexus of kook and hypocrisy.

What topsy-turvy times we live in. All wild and upside down, or at least in these United States. Those on the left are busily attempting to erode free speech. Those on the right are actively attempting to undermine the FBI. And, most confusing of all, environmentally-conscious outdoor blogs are breathlessly promoting landfill-ready surfboards.


Yes, fans of The Inertia woke this morning to quite a start. The surf-adjacent site which promises to “make a positive impact on our planet through partnerships with nonprofits working hard to preserve earth’s sacred places,” had joined forces with Wavestorm on a 10% off promotion when using the code AGTHEINERTIA10.

Per the announcement:

Wavestorm is one of the most recognized foam surfboard brands worldwide. Light weight, soft, and easy to handle, the 8ft Classic Longboard is one of the best selling learn-to-surf models in the market. Utilizing Wavestorm’s extensive manufacturing experience, the 8ft Classic surfboard has been upgraded for the Premium Surfboard to bring you the most advanced and innovative material compositions and component setup available. It offers a new look to the 8-footer with the extra 7.5” single fin in addition to the three classic 4.5” performance fin set. Use the single-fin setup for speed and drive and the three-fin setup for maneuverability options. You are bound to catch even the smallest of waves so even a bad day of surfing is a good day with one of these foamies. Add the Wavestorm 8ft Premium Surfboard to your quiver: whether you are a beginner or a seasoned pro, you’ll have a ton of fun out on the water. And that’s what surfing is all about.

Imagine selling a soul for a 10% discount.

Also, imagine thinking that surfing is “all about having a ton of fun out on the water.”

The Inertia… where kook meets hypocrisy.

Buy here!

Surf fans ecstatic over news of upcoming “Cocaine Shark” film before realizing mistake and falling into pronounced depression!


The MEO Rip Curl Portugal Pro continues to be on hold, entering into day two of the waiting period, leaving surf fans’ idle minds to wander unnecessarily. Yesterday’s news that a resurgent Leonardo Fioravanti had punched John John Florence in the teeth by signing with an all-weather jacket company billing itself “par excellence,” for example, only truly intriguing in the absence of an Italo Ferreira, Zeke Lau, Connor O’Leary heat.

Also, the news that “Cocaine Shark” has been greenlit sending the aforementioned surf fans into paroxysms of ecstasy before they realized the error of their ways and falling deeply depressed in the absence of a Griffin Colapinto, Samuel Pupo, Maxime Huscenot heat.

But of course you have followed the stunning success of “Cocaine Bear” and maybe you’ve even seen the film that tells the true story of a 1985 cocaine smuggler’s plane crash, a large black bear that ate much cocaine and the chaos that ensues as he chews hikers etc.

Surf fans, understandably, assumed “Cocaine Shark” would tell the true story of 1985 cocaine smugglers’ planes, trucks, cars, buses, boats etc. that crashed into a nascent surf industry and the chaos that ensued as it pushed out mid-calf length jams, fluorescent boat neck’d tee shirts and riots at Huntington Beach.

Alas, it is not but rather this sort of uninventive schlock.

Here’s back to waiting for a Kanoa Igarashi, Yago Dora, Jackson Baker heat.

Thumbs down-ish. Photo: Gladiator
Thumbs down-ish. Photo: Gladiator

Blood Feud: World’s best vampire porn-cum-surf film director Michael Oblowitz fires dart at “the man who made Kelly Slater” Taylor Steele over world’s greatest unreleased masterpiece!


It’s been a cold minute since a proper blood feud in our small but tidy surf world. Things have gotten… neat. Clean. San Clemente’s other other other first son Griffin Colapinto today, for example, granted an exclusive interview to olympics.com where he boldly declared “I don’t want to be the boring guy.”

An excerpt.

“It’s funny, I always see people getting interviewed and it’s always so boring to me and I’m like, I don’t want to be the boring guy! I don’t want to do things like anyone else. If I have an opportunity to tell a story or something, I enjoy doing that and just show my true self.”

He then proceeded to say, “I just focus on the preparation and working hard at training because that’s where you get your confidence from,” when responding to a question about what makes him such a daredevil. Adding, “If you’ve taken care of everything you can control and that you have improved wherever you can, you can leave everything else up to the ocean and just be in the moment. The rest will follow.”

Decidedly not punk.

Thankfully, we have Michael Oblowitz. The man known for his phenomenal turn in vampire porn just so happened to create the most notorious, arguably best, surf film ever. One, though, that has still not been released.

Oh you, unless your name starts with Emily and ends with Morgan, are aware of Sea of Darkness. I won’t even waste one second in telling you what you already know about the legendary piece or why it is not available.

But wait, why isn’t it available?

I have heard many things, from… well, listen to the podcast, but is it Taylor Steele’s fault?

The man who made Kelly Slater famous, via his Momentum masterpieces, recently posted an Instagram Stories feat. a bootlegged Sea of Darkness DVD with the caption “found this today.”

Oblowitz, ever the provocateur, screenshoted (above) and added the caption “For 14 years I’ve been wondering who illegally stole a copy of my film, that I have been blocked from releasing and from which I have never earned a cent and today I saw this post …”

The New York Film Festival.

I went to one of those fine bacchanals with Stab’s handsome Taylor Paul and met, for the first time, surfing’s only historian Matt Warshaw.

Those were the days etc.

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, discussed the aforementioned while also addressing the greatest question of our time. Should a man, or woman, call his, or her, in-laws “mom” and “dad?”

I dare you to listen.