Surf fans ecstatic over news of upcoming “Cocaine Shark” film before realizing mistake and falling into pronounced depression!


The MEO Rip Curl Portugal Pro continues to be on hold, entering into day two of the waiting period, leaving surf fans’ idle minds to wander unnecessarily. Yesterday’s news that a resurgent Leonardo Fioravanti had punched John John Florence in the teeth by signing with an all-weather jacket company billing itself “par excellence,” for example, only truly intriguing in the absence of an Italo Ferreira, Zeke Lau, Connor O’Leary heat.

Also, the news that “Cocaine Shark” has been greenlit sending the aforementioned surf fans into paroxysms of ecstasy before they realized the error of their ways and falling deeply depressed in the absence of a Griffin Colapinto, Samuel Pupo, Maxime Huscenot heat.

But of course you have followed the stunning success of “Cocaine Bear” and maybe you’ve even seen the film that tells the true story of a 1985 cocaine smuggler’s plane crash, a large black bear that ate much cocaine and the chaos that ensues as he chews hikers etc.

Surf fans, understandably, assumed “Cocaine Shark” would tell the true story of 1985 cocaine smugglers’ planes, trucks, cars, buses, boats etc. that crashed into a nascent surf industry and the chaos that ensued as it pushed out mid-calf length jams, fluorescent boat neck’d tee shirts and riots at Huntington Beach.

Alas, it is not but rather this sort of uninventive schlock.

Here’s back to waiting for a Kanoa Igarashi, Yago Dora, Jackson Baker heat.

Thumbs down-ish. Photo: Gladiator
Thumbs down-ish. Photo: Gladiator

Blood Feud: World’s best vampire porn-cum-surf film director Michael Oblowitz fires dart at “the man who made Kelly Slater” Taylor Steele over world’s greatest unreleased masterpiece!


It’s been a cold minute since a proper blood feud in our small but tidy surf world. Things have gotten… neat. Clean. San Clemente’s other other other first son Griffin Colapinto today, for example, granted an exclusive interview to where he boldly declared “I don’t want to be the boring guy.”

An excerpt.

“It’s funny, I always see people getting interviewed and it’s always so boring to me and I’m like, I don’t want to be the boring guy! I don’t want to do things like anyone else. If I have an opportunity to tell a story or something, I enjoy doing that and just show my true self.”

He then proceeded to say, “I just focus on the preparation and working hard at training because that’s where you get your confidence from,” when responding to a question about what makes him such a daredevil. Adding, “If you’ve taken care of everything you can control and that you have improved wherever you can, you can leave everything else up to the ocean and just be in the moment. The rest will follow.”

Decidedly not punk.

Thankfully, we have Michael Oblowitz. The man known for his phenomenal turn in vampire porn just so happened to create the most notorious, arguably best, surf film ever. One, though, that has still not been released.

Oh you, unless your name starts with Emily and ends with Morgan, are aware of Sea of Darkness. I won’t even waste one second in telling you what you already know about the legendary piece or why it is not available.

But wait, why isn’t it available?

I have heard many things, from… well, listen to the podcast, but is it Taylor Steele’s fault?

The man who made Kelly Slater famous, via his Momentum masterpieces, recently posted an Instagram Stories feat. a bootlegged Sea of Darkness DVD with the caption “found this today.”

Oblowitz, ever the provocateur, screenshoted (above) and added the caption “For 14 years I’ve been wondering who illegally stole a copy of my film, that I have been blocked from releasing and from which I have never earned a cent and today I saw this post …”

The New York Film Festival.

I went to one of those fine bacchanals with Stab’s handsome Taylor Paul and met, for the first time, surfing’s only historian Matt Warshaw.

Those were the days etc.

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, discussed the aforementioned while also addressing the greatest question of our time. Should a man, or woman, call his, or her, in-laws “mom” and “dad?”

I dare you to listen.

Gucci Leo and FMX Johnny.

Italian stud Leonardo Fioravanti punches Hawaii’s John John Florence in the teeth ahead of Portugal Pro, signs deal with French company claiming to be “waterproof jacket par excellence!”

Blood in the water.

Surfing is riven with various competing claims. Best boardshort, best wetsuit, best traction, best shark deterrent, best wax, best changing poncho, best bottle-opening sandal etc. though nobody, not one person and especially at the World Surf League Championship Tour level, has ever suggested anything other than John John Florence making the best waterproof jacket.

The multi-talented seaman, and 2x professional surfing champion, has charted his own course, charging various obscure waves, sailing the open Pacific, creating a line of outerwear that is as functional as it is functional.

Florence Marine X burst onto the scene as a pure reflection of John John’s true passions after his sponsor Hurley was sold to a beard oil outfit necessitating his abandonment. The Hawaiian prodigy left millions, likely, on the table to create outerwear that he actually needs. Warmth and dryth on the high seas.

And let us examine the Rain Pro 3-Layer Waterproof Shell (no relation to Albee). Promising a 10k rating with coated zippers, it is undeniable (buy here).


On-again-off-again Italian upstart Leonardo Fioravanti has just signed a deal with a French company that claims to make the waterproof shell “par excellence.”

“Proudly announcing our collaboration with @leofioravanti,” K-Way posted to Instagram. “Can’t wait to have fun and start this journey together.”

A shaka emoji was added, for good measure, rubbing salt deep into Florence’s wound.

K-Way, born in Paris in 1965 and claiming to be the first windproof, waterproof jacket ever, have long been a “category leader” and while superiority may be true, challenging John John so directly, so… personally is certain to create friction.

Which leaves a most important question for you.

Team Florence Marine X or K-Way?

Maybe fifth or sixth thing that comes to mind in San Francisco (pictured).
Maybe fifth or sixth thing that comes to mind in San Francisco (pictured).

Revamped Surfer magazine’s exciting new writer creates online outrage after ruthlessly denigrating Bay Area: “When you think of San Francisco, surfing probably isn’t the first word that comes to mind!”

Let 'er burn!

Yesterday, the surf world thrilled as the “Bible of the Sport,” Surfer magazine, debuted an exciting “trending news” writer. Based in East Tennessee, Emily Morgan, ” a proud owner of a Pyrnesse-mix, her hiking partner, every time she hits a trail,” and enjoyer of “strong coffee, spicy food, and live music,” seemed to hit the ground sprinting, covering a proposed wave tank in Arizona.

An excerpt:

We have major news coming out of Arizona: a 37-acre surf park is about to hit the landlocked area of Phoenix, and no, we’re not joking. Thanks to @haileyfrances in a new TikTok, we got the low down on what to expect from the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of surf parks. You’re going to want to take notes on this one, folks. The newly artificial ‘Cannon Beach’ will not only be a mecca for surfers who want to ditch airfare prices and stay local, but it will also offer an on-site hotel.

It was the first time since 1987 that Rick Kane did not appear in a story related to surfing and Arizona, marking a radical shift and defining a fresh tone.

Morgan followed up by dumping gasoline all over California’s Bay Area and tossing a match right into the mess. “When you think of San Francisco, surfing probably isn’t the first word that comes to mind,” she penned before brutally twisting the knife. “Although the city is known for its skate spots, this clip, posted by @hunterjones_, has changed our minds about the city’s potential for catching breaks.”


Surfing “not the first word that comes to mind.” A flamethrower after my own heart? I remember, when I was getting my start, that I enjoyed kicking Puerto Rico in the guts. The Ultimate Surfer’s Alejandro Moreda and friends confronted me, at some point, and you can listen here to how that all went down.

In any case, I’m very curious as to what Ocean Beach etc. surfers are thinking about this cold-hearted slap. Will there be retribution? A petition signed n sent to Surfer demanding respect? A caravan out to East Tennessee led by Fort Point “dicks?

Currently more questions than answers.

American progressives shocked by bombshell court decision to jail two native Hawaiians for hate crime against white ex-pat from Arizona, “You have the wrong skin color. No ‘haole’ is ever going to live in our neighborhood!”

“The hate crime messed me up…(they) brutally attacked me out of hate for the color of my skin.” 

American progressives have reacted with horror, outrage, tears and fainting spells following the jailing of two native Hawaiians for beating hell out of an old man from Arizona who’d moved to Maui thinking the proximity to the ocean might help his wife’s multiple sclerosis. 

Last November Kaulana Alo-Kaonohi and Levi Aki Jr. were convicted for punching, kicking and using a shovel to hit Christopher Kunzelman, who suffered concussion, two busted ribs and head trauma, in 2014. 

It’s the first time the US has prosecuted Native Hawaiians for hate crimes, which ain’t to say it beat-downs of white devils don’t happen. 

The Magic Mike of surfing, the ageless, peerless, dick-swinging Mr Laird Hamilton, who grew up on Maui, knows. 

“There was a certain level of …of…of…aggression… on the land. Or should I say, instead of aggression, a certain level of separation. I was a white guy in a dark guy’s world. When you’re a minority in a racially tense environment you get used to being an outcast.”

Aki and Alo-Kaonohi’s lawyers said it wasn’t so much Kunzelman being a white devil so much as his “entitled and disrespectful attitude.” 

U.S. District Judge J. Michael Seabright didn’t buy it telling ‘em, “You were a racist on that day” and sentenced Alo-Kaonohi to six-and-a-half years and Aki to four years and two months in prison. 

Heat between the men began to simmer after Kunzelman and his wife, who has MS, bought a run-down oceanfront home in Kahakuloa for $175,000. 

“We loved Maui; we loved the people,” Lori Kunzelman told The Associated Press. 

Things got real heated when Kunzelman cut the locks to the village gates, saying residents kept locking him and out. 

“It was obviously a hate crime from the very beginning,” she said. “The whole time they’re saying things like, ‘You have the wrong skin color. No ‘haole’ is ever going to live in our neighborhood.’”

Prosecutors said Aki described Kunzelman to the cops as “rich Haole guy,” a “dumb haole,” and a “typical haole thinking he owning everything … trying to change things up in Kahakuloa,”

Kunzelman said the attack left him with lasting psychological damage. 

“The hate crime messed me up…(they) brutally attacked me out of hate for the color of my skin.” 

Interestingly, Kunzelman had a gun but didn’t use it which impressed hell out of the judge. 

“He had a right to defend himself,” Judge Seabright said. “He didn’t use that firearm.”

And, in a letter to the judge, Aki pulled out the old “some of my best friends are Jews/Blacks/Homos” defence.

“I have people who I love and care about who are white.”

The Kunzelmans’ love affair with Maui is over and they now split their time between Arizona and Puerto Rico although they still own the Kahakuloa house. 

“We couldn’t even sell it to anybody because it’s not safe,” Lori Kunzelman said. “It’s not safe because of the animosity that’s there.”