Surf fans ecstatic over news of upcoming
“Cocaine Shark” film before realizing mistake and falling into
pronounced depression!
By Chas Smith
Gotcha.
The MEO Rip Curl Portugal Pro continues to be
on hold, entering into day two of the waiting period, leaving surf
fans’ idle minds to wander unnecessarily. Yesterday’s news that a
resurgent Leonardo Fioravanti had punched John John
Florence in the teeth by signing with an all-weather
jacket company billing itself “par excellence,” for example, only
truly intriguing in the absence of an Italo Ferreira, Zeke Lau,
Connor O’Leary heat.
Also, the news that “Cocaine Shark” has been greenlit sending
the aforementioned surf fans into paroxysms of ecstasy before they
realized the error of their ways and falling deeply depressed in
the absence of a Griffin Colapinto, Samuel Pupo, Maxime Huscenot
heat.
But of course you have followed the stunning success of “Cocaine
Bear” and maybe you’ve even seen the film that tells the true story
of a 1985 cocaine smuggler’s plane crash, a large black bear that
ate much cocaine and the chaos that ensues as he chews hikers
etc.
Surf fans, understandably, assumed “Cocaine Shark” would tell
the true story of 1985 cocaine smugglers’ planes, trucks, cars,
buses, boats etc. that crashed into a nascent surf industry and the
chaos that ensued as it pushed out mid-calf length jams,
fluorescent boat neck’d tee shirts and riots at Huntington
Beach.
Alas, it is not but rather this sort of uninventive schlock.
Here’s back to waiting for a Kanoa Igarashi, Yago Dora, Jackson
Baker heat.
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Thumbs down-ish. Photo: Gladiator
Blood Feud: World’s best vampire
porn-cum-surf film director Michael Oblowitz fires dart at “the man
who made Kelly Slater” Taylor Steele over world’s greatest
unreleased masterpiece!
By Chas Smith
Heavy.
It’s been a cold minute since a proper blood
feud in our small but tidy surf world. Things have gotten… neat.
Clean. San Clemente’s other other other first son Griffin Colapinto
today, for example, granted an exclusive interview to olympics.com
where he boldly declared “I don’t want to be the boring guy.”
An excerpt.
“It’s funny, I always see people getting interviewed and it’s
always so boring to me and I’m like, I don’t want to be the boring
guy! I don’t want to do things like anyone else. If I have an
opportunity to tell a story or something, I enjoy doing that and
just show my true self.”
He then proceeded to say, “I just focus on the preparation and
working hard at training because that’s where you get your
confidence from,” when responding to a question about what makes
him such a daredevil. Adding, “If you’ve taken care of everything
you can control and that you have improved wherever you can, you
can leave everything else up to the ocean and just be in the
moment. The rest will follow.”
Decidedly not punk.
Thankfully, we have Michael Oblowitz. The man known for his
phenomenal turn in vampire porn just so happened to create the most
notorious, arguably best, surf film ever. One, though, that has
still not been released.
Oh you, unless your name starts with Emily and ends with Morgan,
are aware of Sea of Darkness. I won’t even waste one second in
telling you what you already know about the legendary piece or why
it is not available.
But wait, why isn’t it available?
I have heard many things, from… well, listen to the podcast, but
is it Taylor Steele’s fault?
The man who made Kelly Slater famous, via his Momentum
masterpieces, recently posted an Instagram Stories feat. a
bootlegged Sea of Darkness DVD with the caption “found this
today.”
Oblowitz, ever the provocateur, screenshoted (above) and added
the caption “For 14 years I’ve been wondering who illegally stole a
copy of my film, that I have been blocked from releasing and from
which I have never earned a cent and today I saw this post …”
The New York Film Festival.
I went to one of those fine bacchanals with Stab’s
handsome Taylor Paul and met, for the first time, surfing’s only
historian Matt Warshaw.
Those were the days etc.
David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, discussed the aforementioned
while also addressing the greatest question of our time. Should a
man, or woman, call his, or her, in-laws “mom” and “dad?”
I dare you to listen.
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Gucci Leo and FMX Johnny.
Italian stud Leonardo Fioravanti punches
Hawaii’s John John Florence in the teeth ahead of Portugal Pro,
signs deal with French company claiming to be “waterproof jacket
par excellence!”
By Chas Smith
Blood in the water.
Surfing is riven with various competing
claims. Best boardshort, best wetsuit, best traction,
best shark deterrent, best wax, best changing poncho, best
bottle-opening sandal etc. though nobody, not one person and
especially at the World Surf League Championship Tour level, has
ever suggested anything other than John John Florence making the
best waterproof jacket.
The multi-talented seaman, and 2x professional surfing champion,
has charted his own course, charging various obscure waves, sailing
the open Pacific, creating a line of outerwear that is as
functional as it is functional.
Florence Marine X burst onto the scene as a pure reflection of
John John’s true passions after his sponsor Hurley was sold to a
beard oil outfit necessitating his abandonment. The Hawaiian
prodigy left millions, likely, on the table to create outerwear
that he actually needs. Warmth and dryth on the high seas.
And let us examine the Rain Pro 3-Layer Waterproof Shell (no
relation to Albee). Promising a 10k rating with coated zippers, it
is undeniable (buy here).
Except.
On-again-off-again Italian upstart Leonardo Fioravanti has just
signed a deal with a French company that claims to make the
waterproof shell “par excellence.”
“Proudly announcing our collaboration with @leofioravanti,”
K-Way posted to Instagram. “Can’t wait to have fun and start this
journey together.”
A shaka emoji was added, for good measure, rubbing salt deep
into Florence’s wound.
K-Way, born in Paris in 1965 and claiming to be the first
windproof, waterproof jacket ever, have long been a “category
leader” and while superiority may be true, challenging John John so
directly, so… personally is certain to create friction.
Which leaves a most important question for you.
Team Florence Marine X or K-Way?
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Maybe fifth or sixth thing that comes to mind in San
Francisco (pictured).
Revamped Surfer magazine’s exciting new
writer creates online outrage after ruthlessly denigrating Bay
Area: “When you think of San Francisco, surfing probably isn’t the
first word that comes to mind!”
By Chas Smith
Let 'er burn!
Yesterday, the surf world thrilled as the
“Bible of the Sport,” Surfer magazine, debuted an exciting
“trending news” writer. Based in East Tennessee, Emily
Morgan, ” a proud owner of a Pyrnesse-mix, her hiking partner,
every time she hits a trail,” and enjoyer of “strong coffee, spicy
food, and live music,” seemed to hit the ground sprinting, covering
a proposed wave tank in Arizona.
We have major news coming out of Arizona: a 37-acre surf
park is about to hit the landlocked area of Phoenix, and no, we’re
not joking. Thanks to @haileyfrances in a new TikTok, we got the
low down on what to expect from the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory
of surf parks. You’re going to want to take notes on this one,
folks. The newly artificial ‘Cannon Beach’ will not only be a mecca
for surfers who want to ditch airfare prices and stay local, but it
will also offer an on-site hotel.
It was the first time since 1987 that Rick Kane did not appear
in a story related to surfing and Arizona, marking a radical shift
and defining a fresh tone.
Morgan followed up by dumping gasoline all over California’s Bay
Area and tossing a match right into the mess. “When you think of
San Francisco, surfing probably isn’t the first word that comes to
mind,” she penned
before brutally twisting the knife. “Although the city is known for
its skate spots, this clip, posted by @hunterjones_, has changed
our minds about the city’s potential for catching breaks.”
Boom.
Surfing “not the first word that comes to mind.” A flamethrower
after my own heart? I remember, when I was getting my start, that I
enjoyed kicking Puerto Rico in the guts. The Ultimate Surfer’s
Alejandro Moreda and friends confronted me, at some point, and you
can listen here to
how that all went down.
In any case, I’m very curious as to what Ocean Beach etc.
surfers are thinking about this cold-hearted slap. Will there be
retribution? A petition signed n sent to Surfer demanding
respect? A caravan out to East Tennessee led by Fort Point
“dicks?”
Currently more questions than answers.
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Who can name the three famous surfers in this
scene from North Shore? Yes! Eddie Rothman, far left, Gerry Lopez,
middle, and Johnny Boy Gomes, right!
American progressives shocked by bombshell
court decision to jail two native Hawaiians for hate crime against
white ex-pat from Arizona, “You have the wrong skin color. No
‘haole’ is ever going to live in our neighborhood!”
By Derek Rielly
“The hate crime messed me up…(they) brutally
attacked me out of hate for the color of my skin.”
American progressives have reacted with horror, outrage,
tears and fainting spells following the jailing of two native
Hawaiians for beating hell out of an old man from Arizona who’d
moved to Maui thinking the proximity to the ocean might help his
wife’s multiple sclerosis.
Last November Kaulana Alo-Kaonohi and Levi Aki Jr. were
convicted for punching, kicking and using a shovel to hit
Christopher Kunzelman, who suffered concussion, two busted ribs and
head trauma, in 2014.
It’s the first time the US has prosecuted Native Hawaiians for
hate crimes, which ain’t to say it beat-downs of white devils don’t
happen.
The Magic Mike of surfing, the ageless, peerless, dick-swinging
Mr Laird Hamilton, who grew up on Maui, knows.
“There was a certain level of …of…of…aggression… on the
land. Or should I say, instead of aggression, a certain level of
separation. I was a white guy in a dark guy’s world. When you’re a
minority in a racially tense environment you get used to being an
outcast.”
Aki and Alo-Kaonohi’s lawyers said it wasn’t so much Kunzelman
being a white devil so much as his “entitled and disrespectful
attitude.”
U.S. District Judge J. Michael Seabright didn’t buy it telling
‘em, “You were a racist on that day” and sentenced Alo-Kaonohi to
six-and-a-half years and Aki to four years and two months in
prison.
Heat between the men began to simmer after Kunzelman and his
wife, who has MS, bought a run-down oceanfront home in Kahakuloa
for $175,000.
“We loved Maui; we loved the people,” Lori Kunzelman told The
Associated Press.
Things got real heated when Kunzelman cut the locks to the
village gates, saying residents kept locking him and
out.
“It was obviously a hate crime from the very beginning,” she
said. “The whole time they’re saying things like, ‘You have the
wrong skin color. No ‘haole’ is ever going to live in our
neighborhood.’”
Prosecutors said Aki described Kunzelman to the cops as “rich
Haole guy,” a “dumb haole,” and a “typical haole thinking he owning
everything … trying to change things up in Kahakuloa,”
Kunzelman said the attack left him with lasting psychological
damage.
“The hate crime messed me up…(they) brutally attacked me out of
hate for the color of my skin.”
Interestingly, Kunzelman had a gun but didn’t use it which
impressed hell out of the judge.
“He had a right to defend himself,” Judge Seabright said. “He
didn’t use that firearm.”
And, in a letter to the judge, Aki pulled out the old “some of
my best friends are Jews/Blacks/Homos” defence.
“I have people who I love and care about who are white.”
The Kunzelmans’ love affair with Maui is over and they now split
their time between Arizona and Puerto Rico although they still own
the Kahakuloa house.
“We couldn’t even sell it to anybody because it’s not safe,”
Lori Kunzelman said. “It’s not safe because of the animosity that’s
there.”
