Cape Fear comes to Torquay.

Yesterday global surf fans rejoiced at the announcement that one of the precious wildcard slots for the upcoming Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach would be gifted to Owen Wright who declared he would use the moment to announce his retirement. The Olympic bronze medalist, and mainstay on the World Surf League Championship Tour, stated, “After my traumatic brain injury in 2015, my desire to prove to myself and the world that I could still be great and overcome this life-threatening incident inspired my recovery. Given my recent history with head injuries and concussions, competing at some of the heaviest waves on the planet is no longer in the best interest of my long-term health.I excelled in these conditions over my career, but the risks associated with this type of surfing are too significant for someone in my position, given my medical history.”

And while global surf fans were drying their eyes while fetching Owen Wright singlets from cedar-lined hope chests, the Championship Tour surfers, themselves, and especially those residing near the dreaded mid-year cut line, are quaking with fear.

Wright, himself, was one of the major names guillotined last year, given a proper head injury as it rolled from the blade and into the gutter. He was certainly having an off year but was not nearly incompetent, many good years appearing out ahead.

And you don’t imagine that revenge, a Cape Fear-style madness, has been percolating for an entire year?

Pictures tacked to the walls of one of his beautiful homes featuring World Surf League foes in crosshairs?

You certainly recall the 1962 thriller starring Robert Mitchum, remade in 1992 starring Robert Di Niro, wherein a very angry ex-con terrorizes the family of the public defender he believes responsible for his lengthy imprisonment.

Aye, aye, aye.

As a wildcard, he will come up against those in danger of The Widow including, possibly, Connor O’Leary, Matt McGillivray, Kanoa Igarashi, Kolohe Andino and one Kelly Slater.

How many skulls do you think Wright will carry with him into retirement?

The aforementioned greatest of all-time’s?

Light your torch.

Are we there yet? Peak Nanny Culture? Nothing to do but just sit atop the humungous mound of worry, victimization, lost sense of humor, nitpick and warm ourselves in the hot beam of disapproval? To be honest, I’d thought we’d arrived at the tippy-top six months ago when a certain tasteless surf tabloid was slammed by the Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing for posting an image of an old gal having the best of times.

We were not even close.

For hours ago, surf royalty Chris Hemsworth and his wife, Elsa Patasky, were sent to the stocks for putting their son’s face in a chocolate cake and posting it to social media.

Hemsworth, best known for being Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe star Luke Hemsworth’s brother, wrote:

Happy 9th birthday to my two little men! Only one way to eat cake in this house and that’s to have mum slam your head into it face first!! “Hey mum I don’t like chocolate cake I prefer vanilla” “oh really son, what about now”?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth)

Rage was swift and unrelenting.

“Why people smash their kid’s face in the cake is above my understanding but whatever,” one concerned global citizen, who is clearly childless, wrote.

“Why do people think this is funny?” another lobbed, before a third added, “It’s so violent.”

“In my country this is done, but it’s very poorly looked upon because several accidents have already happened,” a fourth opined.

Please gather at the less famous Hemsworth’s house with torches already lit.

See you there.

(If you don’t know the address, DM Derek Rielly.)

That's all, folks.

Kelly Slater is many things. An 11x champion, 4x ringer of Bells, 2x Oahu homeowner (that I know of) and I don’t doubt that he has done quite well for himself, financially. The old Association of Surfing Professionals used to list career earnings, though that tradition has been disappeared since the World Surf League has refused to raise pay, but a quick search declares he has won over $4 million, which does not count many millions more in endorsement deals.

Certainly a double-digit millionaire.

Paltry and sad compared to one Jeff Soffer.

Rumors are burning hot that the son of an important Florida property developer, who inherited billions, is currently in an amorous relationship with Slater’s one-time love Gisele Bündchen.

You will certainly recall, months ago, when the Brazilian supermodel and her then-husband Tom Brady announced their shock split after a decade-plus of marriage. While surf fans mourned the breakup, they also busily lit candles, hoping beyond hope that Bünchen would find her way back to Slater and the world would be right.

Alas, things have not gone as desired.

Bündchen was first linked to her dashing jiu-jitsu instructor and now to Soffer, who was once married to Elle Macpherson and has a reputation for dating supermodels.

And is this where the fairytale bubble pops?

Is this where they all pop?

Princess falls in love with woodcutter before ending up with loaded prince thanks to rich king daddy?

Shoot.

"The problem with Hawaii is..."

Surfing’s Triple Crown, which took place in November – December, was once a grand and glorious test of skill and will. Kicking off at Haleiwa before moving to Sunset and ending at Pipeline, the series was as oft as thrilling as the entirety of the Championship Tour. Alas what the World Surf League has wrought.

Long bent on degrading the Hawaiian islands, the Santa Monica-based governing body has allowed the Triple Crown to be turned into a TikTok contest, given away the prestigious Pipeline Masters, moved the season’s ender from Oahu’s North Shore to Southern California’s Lower Trestles, cancelled Maui’s Honolua Bay, introduced Covid and has now downgraded the aforementioned first jewel from Challenger Series event to the Qualifying Series.

World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer defended the action in a wide-ranging interview with artificially flavored outdoor website The Inertia, declaring the intended slap was meant to help Hawaii “The main piece of feedback I’ve received from the surfers is around making the whole qualification pathway really strong – including at the regional level. It’s important to us that we also ensure (the surfers from the Hawaii/Tahiti Nui region) have a strong regional pathway and some really good opportunities to compete on the championship tour.”

There was more talk on the “product” of surfing and “synergies” etc. along with a refutation that Haleiwa has been vulgarized due Vans pulling out as sponsor.

“I can’t speak to what has been reported on (some other) website, but we’ve had great partners and continue to do so for 2023.”

Surfing on the new-look Challenger and Qualifying series can be buoyed by the fact that their numbers have been slashed, there are less events and the finals will take place in Brazil.

Product and synergy.

The wave of the future.