More cock than a women’s swim meet!

To know Nick Pollet is, at the very least, to love him and his comedic collaborations with Swellian Lord Adam “Vaughan” Blakey who, when his hind legs aren’t quivering and he isn’t easing his crimson dingus out, is a man who straddles the fine line between positive noise and toxic slime.

Together, Nick and Vaughan have collaborated on Postcards from Morgs – a film on the one-time world title contender Morgan Cibilic prior to his catastrophic failure to re-qualify for the tour and the explosively popular Free Scrubber whereupon Tom Curren is revealed to have a personality worth close examination.

In a couple of weeks, the pair will launch, via an Australia-wide tour that coincides with two of the pro contests here, their latest film, The Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe, a stop-motion epic three years in the making.

On the blustery and, let’s be frank, sadly autumnal Tuesday when I call Byron Bay-based Nick, he’s a few hours from a trip to Australia’s Great White-infested southern flank with Mick Fanning, Gabriel Medina and Mason Ho.

“I’ll swim and shoot but, fuck, real close to the other photographers,” he says.

First, he says, The Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe, is not a Rip Curl feature, as I’d presumed, which forces me to dive under the hood of BeachGrit while we talk and delete it from the previous day’s story.

The inspiration came from Team America, made by South Park wizards Trey Parker and Matt Stone, as well as the all-time surf-comedy classic from 2003, Vaughan’s Doped Youth.

Nick approached Vaughan years back but he didn’t sound too keen” which ain’t surprising, stop-motion is hit or miss and so labour intensive even a Bangladeshi kid would turn his nose up at the return on investment.

When a gap in his work schedule presented itself in 2020, Nick decided, well, ain’t no time like the present.

“I hit up all the surfers, got some dolls made of ‘em, started playing around and working out how I was going to do it, learned stop-motion animation and then, ‘cause we were working together on a Rip Curl project, asked Vaughan to write the script.”

The idea for the dolls came from Mick Fanning’s retirement dinner when each guest was gifted a bobble-headed Mick.

“It was on my desk and I was tinkering around and I ripped the head off it, grabbed a Superman doll from my kid, ripped the head off that and put Mick’s head on it. Then I started mucking around with a green screen.”

For three hundred dollars each, and after much to and froing with a factory in China, Nick had reasonable facsimiles of the cast, including the WSL commentators Ronnie Blakey, who is also Vaughan’s brother, and Joe Turpel, and surfers Mick Fanning, Mason Ho, Griffin Colapinto, Jack Freestone, Matt Wilkinson and Craig Anderson.

“They all came with a bag of dicks and that’s the reason there’s so many dicks in the movie,” says Nick, revealing a crucial plot line.

His mammy made the outfits for the tiny creatures, which saved the production a significant amount.

“Mum did it for free. Doll clothes are so expensive,” he says.

After talks with production company Bronte Pictures, who suggested he make it as a feature film and not a thirty-minute featurette, Nick got himself a little cash to pay Vaughan for the script, as well as of the use of the colour grader who did Elvis and the the sound engineer from Mad Max.

The premise for the film is beautiful: It is ten years in the future and a virus has hit and John Fig, played by Vaughan, has made a vaccine to save everyone but the vax wipes out everyone’s memory of surfing.

“Mick’s a yogi meditation guru bogan. Griff is a hyped-up guy stuck in the desert who hasn’t seen anyone in years, Wilko is a cowboy, Ando is a ninja, Mason is a volcano tour guide in Hawaii and Jack’s trying to be a rock star but he’s real bad.”

Tour dates in Australia re, roughly, April 3, Bells, Perth, April 18, Margs, April 19, Sydney, sometime around the end of May, Gold Coast, May 3, Byron, May 4.

And, how did he get Luke Hemsworth, a man described yesterday as an “honest lover and a brave bull” involved in the venture?

Nick says he’d been filming Mick, along with Luke and his little brothers Chris and Liam and they were having a post-surf beer when he showed Luke an early version of his stop motion work.

“You should get dolls made of us,” Luke said.

“When we finished the animation I got his number off Mick and asked him to narrate it,” says Nick. “He was keen. He’s such a legend he didn’t hesitate. “

"If tourists don’t respect Bali and its culture and ceremonies they don’t have a right to stay there. Seeing this makes me feel ashamed."

If you know Bali, you’re probs aware that it’s Nyepi tomoz, the day of silence where for twenty four hours there’s no lights, no working, the faithful don’t eat or talk, and when even tourists aren’t allowed onto the beaches or streets.

Traditional security patrols called Pecalang roam the joint policing the restrictions.

Depending upon your view of such things, it’s either an insight into an exotic religion or a drag upon your vacation that forces you to your hotel room couch for a day-nighter on Netflix.

A few days before Nyepi is the Melasti ritual a purification ritual which takes place near the ocean.

And it’s here we find a tourist or “bule” as they call ‘em in Bali, similar to haole or whitey, who lights up after his girlfriend is pushed back by the Pecalang after the pair were apparently refused permission to ride through the ritual and get to pretty Padang Padang (aka Labuan Sait) beach.

 

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The Google translate is a little rough, but goes something like this:

Bali really depends on tourism, but do we have to be silent about their treatment of people who don’t respect BALI?Balinese hospitality is utilized right. Maybe because we often say “it’s okay sir (with big smile)”.

I believe there are still many tourists and expatriates who care about and love culture, customs, people and this island who don’t want rogue tourists.

Bali will always be kind if you do the same.

I saw yesterday’s incident at Labuan Sait myself. While the Pecatu people are holding a Melasti event and are getting ready to return to the village, the Pecalang temporarily stopped traffic from the direction of Suluban.

When everyone stopped there was a couple of arrogant foreigners riding their motorbike (small motorcycle syndrome) wanting to break through the preparations with the excuse of being in a hurry.

The Pecalang has explained to them to take a shortcut if they are in a hurry, but the foreigner is still insistent.

The female came down and forced her to pass. Because the woman was very talkative, the pecalang touched her to get back on her motorcycle, but the male Caucasian was emotional and wanted to hit the Pecalang.

Fortunately, there are many pecalang colleagues and they could be stopped. The male Caucasians shouted, “I live in Bali for two years and I respect Bali but clearly you don’t understand anything.”

The tourist found very few allies amid the comments, which included the WCT rookie Rio Wada.

This bule should be deported and never be allowed back in Bali again.

If he were this rude to a Muslim religious ceremony in Jakarta he would be through in Jail for a long time! Lucky he’s in Bali.

If tourists don’t respect Bali and its culture and ceremonies they don’t have a right to stay there.  Seeing this makes me feel ashamed. Unbelievable this motorcycle idiot. I love Bali. I love the culture the people and respect their island and rules.

Some People around the world bring arrogance and ego. It doesnt fit Balinese. Because in Bali we learn patience and kindness, unlike the rest of the world uses aggression. Please go to Bali to learn about life and the true meaning of kindness.

And so on across three hundred-ish responses.

It’s further ammo, if more munitions were necessary, for Indonesia’s new hard line towards tourists.

Five days ago, Bali’s governor asked the federal government to ban tourists riding scooters and motorbikes as well as revoking visas for Russians and Ukrainians. 

Three months before that, Indonesia introduced puritanical sex laws that included year-long jail terms if an unmarried person’s sexual energy became such you had no choice but to come, full blast, into a woman, man or beast.

Anyway, how about you?

Would you take on the religious cops ’cause you and your gal couldn’t get to a particular strip of sand? Or smile and swing your bike around?